Tag: mind

Everyone wants to feel included, valued, and loved, but wasting time and energy worrying what friends, family, and acquaintances think about us usually does more harm than good. We care about other people and understandably want to be well liked. It’s not wrong to give some thought to others’ views, but the problem comes when we care about what someone else thinks more than what we think. This can bring a lot of stress and get in the way of our happiness.

The first thing to consider is that you can never really know what someone else thinks of you. Too often, women seem to think that they are mind readers and can say with near certainty that someone else thinks they aren’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. We create negative portrayals of ourselves that may have no real basis in reality and then project them onto someone else. You can’t say for sure what another person is thinking, and it’s unnecessarily damaging to act like you do. 

Also—this might be a tough pill to swallow, but the truth is that other people probably aren’t giving us lots of space in their brains at all. Eleanor Roosevelt once said that we wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of us if we knew how seldom they do. Kind of stings a bit, but it helps put things in perspective that we don’t have to create a big drama trying to guess what someone is thinking.

But let’s say that your fears are confirmed and someone you know actually does think less of you. Who really cares? 

It’s all right if someone doesn’t agree with you, doesn’t like all your choices, or generally doesn’t think you have it all together. We can’t use other people’s approval as our main source of motivation. As a former people-pleaser, I understand this is difficult. But when something isn’t our business (and this includes others’ opinions of us), it’s best we stay out of it. My guess is that you have more than enough going on in your life to occupy your attention; no need to be burdened by someone else’s view of you on top of everything else. 

And guess what else? You can be happy without someone else’s approval! You don’t need others to validate you; you can validate you! This is such a liberating truth that I wish I had known many years ago. It doesn’t really matter if someone doesn’t like your beliefs, your clothes, your career, your significant other, etc. It doesn’t have to bear any influence on your sense of joy and well-being. It’s draining to care so much about what others think of you, and it’s incredibly refreshing to let go of that worry. I promise you that you’ll have more emotional energy to spend on things and people that really matter to you.

And finally, one of the best reasons to quit worrying about what people are saying or thinking about you is that your self-worth is constant. You are a human being of infinite value. Be careful not to inadvertently link your worth to someone or something else. 

When I was young and beginning my career as a singer/songwriter, I was extremely sensitive to what critics said about my music. I’m grateful that much of my work was well received, but when a song didn’t do quite as well as I had wanted or expected, I was crushed. Looking back, I realize that this was partially because I was tying my worth to someone’s opinion of my art. I’m thankful to know now that my self-worth is unchanging, no matter what happens in my career.

Almost all of us have spent too much energy stressing about what someone else thinks. I invite you to consider how you can let go of this stress to be content with yourself and reach your own personal potential.

At its core, anxiety is a good thing: It’s the body’s natural response to danger. But when it becomes irrational or all-consuming, it turns into a disorder. Certain forms of anxiety require medication. In some cases, recovery can be difficult without it, but for some of us, alternative medicine and a few lifestyle changes can make all the difference in the world.
This is not a doctor’s advice, and you should consult with your healthcare provider if you’re suffering symptoms.

What Are the Symptoms of Anxiety?

Although there are varying degrees of anxiety with varying degrees of symptoms, generally it can cause feelings of dread, trouble concentrating, tension, irritability, restlessness, and a sense of constantly anticipating the worst. Physically, it can cause trouble sleeping, a pounding heart, frequent urination, muscle tension and twitches, headache, insomnia, and fatigue.
If you’re suffering from the above symptoms, here are some steps you can take:

1. Lay off the Caffeine

If you’re feeling anxious, giving up caffeine should be your first step because it only aggravates the problem. Caffeine intensifies feelings of restlessness, irritability, and fear, especially if you’re sensitive to it. If you love the taste of coffee, switch to decaffeinated coffee or espresso (espresso has less caffeine than drip coffee). Or if you can’t give up caffeine completely, switch to tea, which generally contains much less caffeine.

2. Try Pranayama

Pranayama—or breath work—is one of the best ways to alleviate anxiety because it drastically slows down the central nervous system. Try these deep-breathing exercises:
Three-part breathing
Start by breathing naturally, relaxing the face, forehead, and jaw. Watch the breath as it expands and contracts in the rib cage. Begin by breathing into the belly, then into the rib cage, and then into the chest. Slowly release the breath from the chest, ribs, and belly. It may help to place the hands on the belly. Continue for 5 minutes.
Alternate Nostril Breathing
Using your right hand, cover the right nostril with your thumb. Breathe in for four counts and then using your ring finger, cover your left nostril and exhale the breath for eight counts. Repeat for 5 minutes.

3. Stay Grounded

Anxiety is energetically caused by a blockage in the first chakra or the Muladhara chakra. This “root chakra”—or energy center—is responsible for our survival instinct; if it’s imbalanced our minds can float off into a world of irrational fears. The deep-breathing method above can help with grounding, as can a number of yoga postures described below.
Knee to Chest
Lie on your back imagining your body sinking down into the earth. Feel the energy from the ground beneath you rising upward. Bend the right leg and hug it into the chest. Hold for 10 breaths and then switch sides.
Bridge Pose
Lie on your back and then bend the knees to connect the bottoms of your feet with the ground. Clasp the hands underneath the body and lift the chest. Hold for five breaths and then release. Repeat once more.
Half Locust Pose
Lie face down, stomach on the floor, legs together, arms placed along the side of your body, palms facing down (toward the floor). Lift your right leg as high as is comfortable and hold for five breaths. Switch sides. Repeat once more.

4. Try Acupuncture

Anxiety can be caused by an imbalance or blockage of energy or life force in the body. In Chinese medicine, this is referred to as Qi. Blockages occur along passages in the body called meridians. A number of acupuncture points can help to unblock these lines of energy. Additionally, research has shown that many of the acupuncture points are located close to nerves, and when the needles are placed they release chemicals in the body that can help regulate emotions.

5. Try Massage Therapy

Research has shown that regular massage therapy reduces levels of cortisol—or the stress hormone—in the body and increases serotonin and dopamine, the body’s feel-good chemicals. Getting a massage every week or every other week can help keep the brain’s chemicals in line, and it can also reduce the physical tension that builds up in the body and leads to mental tension.

6. Use Anxiety to Your Advantage and Get Excited!

Sounds weird? A Harvard Business School study revealed that getting excited helps with performance anxiety more than attempting to calm yourself down. Participants in a study performed better when they got excited about their task than those who were calm, sad, angry, or anxious.
Anxiety can be a painful experience, especially when it takes over your life. But a number of alternative therapies and simple lifestyle changes can help alleviate and reduce your symptoms.

Last week I had to deal with a legal situation that had been dragging on for years. I went to a settlement hearing to try to get the best possible outcome without going to trial. Although ultimately I was able to achieve that goal, I walked away feeling profoundly angry about the situation that had brought me there.

Without giving details you can trust that I was not permitted a fair due process, and I was at the mercy of the plaintiff because of their power and immunity. Overall I was unfairly treated, and there was nothing I could do about it. This kind of anger is the hardest to cope with because underneath it lives a deep feeling of powerlessness. The only other time I have felt this kind of anger was when my marriage unexpectedly ended against my will. It wasn’t fun then, and this most recent bout of frustrated anger didn’t feel any better.

Anger is an emotion that lives on the surface. Underneath it can be anything from sadness to fear, but more often it’s a sense of powerlessness that lurks below. The feeling of not having control over an outcome can have deep effects on the psyche if left unprocessed and unresolved. A good example of this type of powerlessness can be seen with children who have very little free will because of their dependency on the older people who care for them. If you’ve ever been in a store where a parent refuses to allow a little person to have what they want you’ve probably witnessed a power struggle. The child feels powerless to get what they want and throws a tantrum to release the angry tension of not getting their way. The adult version of this is exactly what we’re talking about, just with a different look to it.

So how do you deal with a feeling of anger when you can’t scream, cry, curse or get vindication in some physical way? You use the following coping methods until the anger dissolves, and you can get to a more rational and calm place in your mind and body.

Vent to a good listener.

Being heard is a helpful first step toward becoming less angry. This isn’t a process of sharing your story after it’s been resolved and you feel calmer. This person has to be able to tolerate your frustration and have a willingness to let you “have your moment.” This may take multiple conversations, but over time, if you share with the right person you’ll feel heard and that in itself is a form of vindication.

Remember your integrity.

If you’ve ever behaved irrationally when angry you know that what follows shortly after is a feeling of shame. Not because you’re a bad person, but because you’ve acted in a way that isn’t in line with your normal character. Anger can drive you to a dark place when it gets the best of you, so remembering your own values and how you want to be perceived will help you walk away or let the moment pass without a reaction.

Give yourself a moment of self-pity.

Try not to tell yourself you shouldn’t be mad. Feeling angry is perfectly normal in many situations, and although it’s an emotion that can lead to negative outcomes, it’s also very human and natural. Give yourself some time to be a victim and feel upset about the situation. This isn’t a free pass to take the “poor me” show on the road, just a bit of self-compassion for what you’ve been through.

Use the 24-hour rule.

There’s a kind of unspoken rule that when you’re mad you should wait 24 hours before taking action. This is because anger is very fiery and it goes as quickly as it comes. Being patient, breathing through the heated moment, and taking a day to reflect will serve you well in the long run. Wait 24 hours before sending an email, calling, suing, or doing whatever you feel compelled to do.

Accept the powerlessness.

The most important piece of the anger resolution puzzle is your inner ability to accept what you’re powerless over. This is a tenet of any good 12-step process and that’s because it works. Realizing that you cannot control all outcomes, people, or situations will release you from even trying. You may want to believe you control things that you don’t, but the sooner you can accept your powerlessness as a natural part of life you’ll suffer less with anger.

There is no reason in the world that you should expect to not get angry. People who never get angry are denying themselves one of the most natural and human experiences. Anger serves as a source of motivation for making a wrong right, and it is what drives us to protect ourselves and the things that are precious to us. Welcome your anger in, but just don’t let it stay too long.

Living well is as much a choice as it is a privilege. Learning lessons and getting reminded of how to live a healthy, happy life can renew the spirit and motivate you to make a few shifts in your daily habits.
I was lucky enough to escape to Hawaii for a few days last week and although the beauty was overwhelming, the visit served as a powerful reminder to live fully and honestly. I observed the locals closely and felt inspired to bring a bit of their well-lived lives home to my own daily routine.
I think we are guilty of being too busy. But even worse, when we become too busy we forget to do the things that matter and to spend time doing things that are both necessary and beneficial to our overall health. There is so much research surfacing around spending time in nature, the powerful benefits of awe, and the importance of down time. Yes, vacations make this much easier for sure, but in small ways we can all do better when it comes to living well.
Upon my return, I committed to a few improvements in how I’m living my life, and I want to share them with you. They may not seem overly groundbreaking, but I think you’ll find that you’ve forgotten about at least one of these things, so I hope they serve as a small reminder for you as you move forward in your life.

Don’t miss a sunset.

Hawaiian people congregate at dusk. No matter what side of the island they’re on, they are not inside watching TV when the sun is about to set. It’s almost like a natural need instead of a conscious choice to go outside and witness this time of the day because it’s inherently part of the culture and lifestyle. I often forget to enjoy the beauty of life, and this Hawaiian habit reminded me of the importance of making time for moments of awe every day.

You don’t need much.

I over packed on this trip because I have this underlying feeling that I’ll need something I don’t have. This is a byproduct of living in a state of deprivation instead of abundance and of living too long in a consumer-driven culture. In Hawaii, I learned that you need very little to feel satisfied, and even if something is missing you can easily make things work anyway. Spending a few days in only flip flops and a bathing suit is a great reminder that living minimally doesn’t equate with sacrifice.

Playing is important.

When I first arrived I wasn’t dying to go in the ocean. It looked beautiful, but I’m a bit afraid, and it just didn’t seem like something I was eager to do. When I got hot I would wade in up to my waist and then head back to the towel. By day two, after watching surfers and the happy frolicking people in the water, I couldn’t help but feel the urge to go deeper. Finally, I dove under the waves, floated, did summersaults and body surfed until my face hurt from smiling. I had forgotten how to play, and the waters of Hawaii invited me back to that part of myself.

Do what you love.

Being on vacation can always open perspective and serve as a good reminder to do the things you love, but the people who live in Hawaii take that to a new level. Yes, they’re living in one of the most beautiful locations possible, but they’ve made a choice to be close to what they’re passionate about. Surfers, ocean lovers, and students alike are there to pursue their dreams and live the life they want. This brought me back to the awareness of trying to make more time for the things that really matter and lift my spirit and to live from a place of passion as much as possible.

Take advantage.

Anyone who lives in a cold environment where getting outside to do anything is a luxury knows it’s essential to take advantage when the opportunity is presented. I live in a warm climate, so for me it’s more about pushing myself to get out before it’s too dark or to steal a few moments away from the grind to get a breath of fresh air.
But for someone else, taking advantage might be more centered around doing something that inspires or lifts the spirit when there’s a break in weather or a chance to get away to somewhere else. In Hawaii, the beauty of the landscape is never wasted, and this was a reminder that life is precious and so is my time.
These aren’t profound discoveries, and you certainly don’t need to go to Hawaii to remember how to live, but when there’s an opportunity to get out of the hustle and bustle, the chance to re-center and evaluate life is hard to ignore. Stepping back to get a broader, big-picture view of the way you’re living your life is an important practice that you can engage in at any time and anywhere.

We receive messages all the time. The music we listen to, the street signs we read, and the conversations we have with other people mean that there’s always something being communicated to us. 

But what can be even more powerful than what we hear from the outside world is what’s going on inside our minds. Sometimes that inner dialogue can be encouraging and inspirational, but all too often it’s pretty brutal (think of that annoying voice inside your head that may be telling you you’re not good enough or worthy of success or love). 

Fortunately, you don’t have to let that voice win or completely hijack your self-worth. Here are some ways to tame your inner critic and calm down negative self-talk.

The first thing to do is be aware that you have an inner voice. We don’t always think about the things we tell ourselves from day to day. Pay attention to what sorts of messages are swirling around in your brain. Maybe even take notes or write out your thoughts to determine how many negative vs. positive things you tell yourself. Then try to identify the source of that voice. 

If you find that you’re berating yourself in your head, figure out who’s really talking. It might be one or both of your parents. It might be someone else who’s criticized you or even bullied you when you were young. It could even be a painful experience you once had that caused you to question your own ability or worth. It’s helpful to realize that the voice is not you, instead it’s most likely a voice from your past. Identifying the voice as someone or something else means that you can choose to accept or reject it.

Once you’ve recognized your inner critic and determined where it came from, ask yourself if you can know for sure that what it’s saying is true. 

For example, if that voice is telling you that you’re not intelligent, how do you know that that’s true? You’re not intelligent compared to what? With whom? By what standard? It’s a baseless assumption, so challenge that voice that’s bringing you down. Counter it with possible other ideas. Let’s say you feel stupid for doing a bad job on a work project. I encourage you to challenge that critical voice that says you won’t be successful with a thought like, “I’m disappointed in myself for not doing as well as I wanted, but that doesn’t mean I can’t rise above this and do better in the future.” Don’t let your inner critic have the last word.

And finally, in order to quiet that critical voice inside your head, you’ll need to give it less space by replacing it with something positive. When working with clients who’ve struggled with this, I’ve suggested that they at least try to balance the positive and negative thoughts 50/50. It’s estimated that around 60 to 80 percent of what we say to ourselves is negative, so practice applying self-compassion and speaking kindly to yourself. 

When you catch yourself criticizing your body, balance that with something complimentary (or at least with something neutral). If you think you’re overweight or unattractive, for instance, remind yourself that you’re healthy, you’ve made fitness improvements, or that you have some other trait or accomplishment specific to you that is positive.

We truly are often our own worst enemies. Saying negative things in our head all day can bring us down and keep us from experiencing real joy and fulfillment. Apply these strategies to tame that pesky critic in your mind and find some inner peace.

Have you ever cried at something small and insignificant? Lost your temper and yelled at a friend? Cursed someone who cut you off in traffic? Most of us have. The truth is that it’s human nature to overreact (even if we don’t particularly like to admit that we do it). The hard part is catching ourselves before we have an outburst or say something we regret later. Here are some strategies to help you keep your cool under pressure and not overreact.

The first step is to take care of your basic needs. We’re more prone to lash out or have a (mini) emotional breakdown if we’re hungry, tired, or stressed out. Women especially sometimes neglect themselves and ignore their own needs when taking care of others. But it’s not self-indulgent to take time for yourself, it’s smart! Make yourself a priority and take some time regularly to reenergize and rejuvenate your most valuable resource—you! By doing so, you’ll reduce the likelihood that you’ll overreact to upsetting situations.

If you find yourself on the verge of reacting or responding to something or someone in a way that’s overly dramatic, another thing you can do is tune in to your feeling and name it. For example, if your partner is giving you feedback that is really hard to hear, acknowledge your feelings and give them a name. Saying to yourself, “this is painful” or “I’m getting defensive,” can help you manage those difficult feelings and stay in the moment instead of losing control and letting your emotions get the better of you. 

And of course, the tried-and-true strategy of taking a deep breath can prove very useful. It sounds simple, but it really works! When we overreact we’re experiencing a remnant of the primal fight-or-flight response; breathing can calm our nervous system and help us remain levelheaded in the moment. For example, if a crazy driver on the highway has you seething with anger, audibly breathe in and out then let the moment pass; it’s not worth getting all worked up about it. Taking a deep breath can help you respond more clearly and productively.

Finally, one of my favorite ways to keep a stressful experience from getting out of hand is to cognitively reframe it. That’s just a fancy therapy term that means telling yourself a story to put a positive (or at least neutral) spin on things. Say, for instance, that you find out you weren’t invited to an outing that a group of your friends went on. It can be tempting to get upset and assume that they intentionally left you out to hurt your feelings. A better approach would be to give them the benefit of the doubt and create a story in your mind that makes things seem more reasonable and understandable: Maybe they threw it together at the last minute, maybe they thought you were busy, or maybe they made a mistake (like we all do) and just straight up forgot to ask you. Either way, creating an alternate story or context to help ease the blow of a painful or stressful situation can help us rewire our thinking so that we don’t freak out.

We all are pushed to our emotional limits at times. Our careers, our finances, and certainly our relationships can test our ability to cope and endure hard things. When you find yourself experiencing something difficult, I encourage you to acknowledge and identify your feelings and bodily sensations, keep your breathing steady, and consider reframing the context of what happened so that you can stay in control.

We tend to think that age is indicative of maturity. The older we get in years, the better we can navigate and manage our feelings like grown-ups, right? Not necessarily. There are plenty of adults who act childish or try to escape responsibilities they may have. There are also a lot of young people who are very wise in how they think and behave. The truth is that emotional maturity takes energy, work, and honest self-evaluation. Here are some signs that you’re an emotional grown-up (and some tips to help you move forward if you’re a little behind).

One of the first indications is that you feel in control of your decisions. You’re the main character in your own life. While you take others’ ideas and perspective into consideration, it’s you who has the final say. I once worked with a client who was deciding whether she wanted to go back to school to get a graduate degree. She had a very busy life, and some members of her family felt that it wasn’t the right time for her to pursue more education. She valued their opinions, but it was her choice to make. Although she knew it wouldn’t always be easy, she made the decision to go back to school. This woman is a great example of emotional maturity in owning and embracing the ability to act for herself. If you find that you struggle with this, I’d suggest you start small. Make one decision completely on your own without any outside input. This will help you practice being the ultimate authority on your own life.

Another sign of emotional maturity is that you know what you think and how you feel. You can identify, articulate, and share your feelings in your relationships. You know what you need. Think of a young child who is cranky and overwhelmed from a sleepover. She probably doesn’t understand exactly what she needs, but a parent knows that having a nap and a story read to her would do wonders help her feel better. A mature grown-up can properly assess her own physical and emotional state. She knows what’s bothering her and can convey it to someone else if necessary. If you’re not adept at identifying your emotional needs, try journaling to get in touch with your thoughts and feelings. You can’t change what you don’t admit or understand, and it’s so important for your own well-being and for the health of your relationships to really dig deep into your inner experiences.

An emotional grown-up is considerate enough to empathize with another person’s struggles without taking them on as her own. For example, a young woman I worked with had gotten to the point that she stopped confiding in her mom about the difficulties she was facing. Her mother would become overwhelmed and distressed by the things her daughter had to deal with. It’s not helpful to anyone to be consumed by someone else’s problems. If you find that other people’s burdens weigh on you too heavily, imagine an invisible bubble around yourself (sounds weird, I know, but just go with it!) You can choose which ideas, words, and experiences you let in and which ones you keep out. As a therapist, I’ve had to use this small but powerful metaphor to keep myself sane and emotionally protected. Try it for yourself if you’d like.

An individual who is emotionally mature enjoys being with others as well as spending time alone. It seems that many people have a tough time being on their own. They may get anxious or restless without someone else there. If you have a hard time with this, try to become better acquainted with yourself. Go out to eat on your own or see a movie without anyone else. It really is a freeing experience to learn to enjoy your own company. You can create your own happiness. On the other hand, if you spend an inordinate amount of time alone, it might be time to branch out and seek social connection.

Being an inner grown-up doesn’t necessarily come as naturally or as easily as one may think. It’s not a question of years so much as it is one of emotional management. If you find that you’re lacking some emotional maturity, take small steps to get in better touch with and manage your own feelings, communicate in your relationships, and take a stand for yourself.

We all get a little down from time to time. Sometimes it’s because of major events such as divorce, job loss, death of a loved one, etc. Other times it’s simply because we are human and naturally experience sadness. During these times it can feel really good to have a little emotional pick-me-up. Here are a few small but powerful ways to boost your mood and lift your spirits.
One of the fastest ways to feel better when you’re low is to listen to music. Put on your favorite song, dance around, rock out in your car or bedroom, and remember that there’s a lot to be joyful about in life. Research shows that the type of music (country, pop, hip hop, etc.) doesn’t really matter; just pick something that you like! It doesn’t even have to be a happy or upbeat song, either. If you’re going through a breakup or something else that’s particularly tough, sometimes you have to go through that painful emotion to move past it and get to a more cheerful one. Might be time to break out the Adele…
Another way to quickly improve your mood is simply to smile more. Studies show that even a fake smile can help you feel better, and by continually practicing this technique you can quit faking it and truly be happier. There’s a great feedback mechanism that when we act as if something is true, it can actually become true. So show the world your pearly whites and feel your mood lifting.
Sunlight is an important tool to beat the blues. Who doesn’t feel better after spending some time in the sun? The light and vitamin D that you get from being outside are so good for our bodies and our spirits (don’t overdo it, though: Skin cancer is a real thing, so sunbathe with caution and always wear sunscreen.) Exercise can also be a great way to get those endorphins going. Get to the gym and work up a sweat to improve your mood. If you’re not up for a full workout, then just take a walk up and down the street or do something else to get moving.
The next tip may surprise you a bit. Do you remember being taught as a little kid not to talk to strangers? As a professional therapist, I’m telling you to toss that advice aside, get outside of your comfort zone, and converse with people you don’t know! Research shows that this actually makes us feel better (cool, huh?) We’ve culturally been brought up to be a bit more cheerful to new faces, so this can help us feel cheerful and happy as well. So why not strike up a conversation with the cashier at the grocery store, the woman you sit next to on the train, or the new co-worker you haven’t met yet? Interacting with strangers (or new friends) is really energizing and can bring out the best in us.
A final piece of advice I can give you to help lift your mood is to change your mind. When we’re feeling down our thoughts slow down too, so the solution is to help speed up and change our thought patterns. Maybe play a fast-paced game, talk to a friend who’s cheerful and high energy, or try something new—anything to switch up your thinking. Another thing you can do is challenge negative thoughts. Too often, we tend to be self-defeating by saying negative things to ourselves. Become aware of your own internal dialogue, then fight back against your inner critic. For example, if you find yourself thinking that you’re not intelligent, challenge that thought. Ask yourself if it’s really true, if it’s an assumption you’ve made, or if it’s something you’ve been taught. You can often get rid of those kinds of pessimistic ideas about yourself just by confronting them.
I promise that these mini-changes can work for you. From my own experiences (as well as those of my friends, family, and clients, and also as shown by clinical research), they have been shown time and time again to really work to drive out the gloom we all feel sometimes. Try them today if you need an emotional boost.

Have you ever noticed how much we talk about self-esteem? From the time that we’re very young, we learn that it’s important to feel good about ourselves. It’s not a bad thing, really. After all, confidence is the key to success and long-term contentment. But self-esteem has its limits. It is usually dependent on our performance, and therefore can waver, which means it isn’t a reliable source of comfort when we may need it the most. 

For example, if I bomb a work presentation or ruin my New Year’s resolution of taking it easy on the sugar by bingeing on peanut M&Ms, I can’t reach for self-esteem to make me feel better. A few years ago, Dr. Kristin Neff introduced a new idea to help us reframe this discussion. Whereas self-esteem is how we evaluate ourselves, the concept of self-compassion refers to how we treat ourselves. Let’s explore this a bit further.

Self-esteem is related to how unique we are, how successful how we are, and how well we can hide our shortcomings. By contrast, self-compassion is something that everyone deserves, doesn’t require success, and is always available, even in the face of mistakes. 

As a therapist who has worked with many individuals who berate and judge themselves harshly, I can tell you that self-compassion is much more important than self-esteem. Though some may initially think that being compassionate toward ourselves is self-indulgent, in reality self-compassion allows us to look outward to others once we’ve made peace with ourselves. The more patient you are with yourself, the more you have to give to others. And when it comes to compassion, it’s safe to say that women are usually pretty compassionate in nature, but sadly are often not very kind to themselves. Here are some strategies to help you increase the amount of compassion you show toward yourself.

The first thing you can do is to tune in to your own suffering. Often when we’re in pain we want to avoid our feelings, but I challenge you instead to be brave enough to acknowledge them. 

If you feel guilty for yelling at your kids, for example, don’t shy away from your shame. Look at the situation without making less or more of it. This is not self-pity, it’s simply an evaluation of your own emotions in the present moment. You’ll be more compassionate if you can be honest with yourself about what’s going on. Then practice self-kindness. This goes beyond simply saying nice things to yourself. It’s an opportunity for real self-soothing. Imagine if a friend came to you when she was experiencing something really tough. You’d likely say reassuring things to her, but you’d also just sit with her and let her know that you cared about her. 

Let’s try that same technique on ourselves. Be as kind to yourself as you’d be to someone else. Even on your worst days, you deserve it. The truth is that there are times when no one else is available (physically or emotionally) to help you feel better, so be there for yourself; that’s essentially what self-compassion is.

Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that self-compassion works. It feels really good. I’ve practiced it on myself several times in this past year when I was experiencing overwhelming pressure from some of the professional projects I’ve been involved in. I allowed myself to be aware of my own pain, then found ways to soothe it, whether through self-talk or giving myself a hug (sometimes literally!) 

Although culturally we’re not trained to give ourselves the gift of kindness that we offer so freely to others, we can develop self-compassion as a way to help ourselves cope and find peace during our struggles.

The body’s energy can have an impact on overall health at all levels without us even realizing it.
You may be familiar with hands-on energy healing therapies like acupuncture and reflexology. These methods can heal the body physically, mentally, and spiritually. But the energetic healing of the body doesn’t have to involve touch at all. Methods like reiki promote healing of the body and mind without touch.
Not convinced? Let’s take a closer look.

What’s Energy Healing?

Humans can store emotional trauma caused by physical and mental stress, violence, false belief systems, and other suffering deep within the body. These stresses can keep us from reaching our full potential. That’s where energy healing—also known as energetic healing—can help. The technique balances and unblocks energy in the patient to lift emotional obstacles that hinder self-growth and success. The techniques can also help us identify emotional issues implanted deep in the body that we didn’t even realize were blocking our potential.

Forms of Energy Healing

Energy healing is an umbrella term for a number of different therapies, including reiki, crystal healing, reflexology, acupuncture, and many others. Let’s look at some of the most popular therapies.
Reiki
Reiki is a Japanese therapy that was brought to the West in the 1930s. It involves scanning the body for energy blockages in the chakra and aura system. The chakras are several points of energy that start at the crown of the head and move all the way down to the seat of the spine. The aura is a subtle field of energy that surrounds the body.
The practitioner works to push out energy blockages by placing the hands over each individual chakra—located at the base of the spine, lower abdomen, upper abdomen, heart, throat, forehead, and crown of the head—and transferring their energy to the patient. Practitioners may emphasize certain parts of the body, depending on the patient’s ailment.
Crystal Therapy
This treatment is similar to reiki in that it uses the chakra energy points to clear blocked energy. During a crystal therapy session, a practitioner places healing crystals at each chakra to work on balancing the body’s energies. Practitioners can also use sacred stones at the various chakra points to open up blockages.
Reflexology
Reflexology works on different areas of the feet that correspond to different regions and organs in the body. The practitioner massages all areas of the feet and toes looking for energy blockages, which can feel like knots or bubbles under the skin. Working on the blockages in the foot corresponds to blockages in certain areas of the body. For example, a blockage in the toes can mean your sinuses are clogged or a blockage on the outer heel may mean you have tight hips. After the session, a practitioner may discuss what parts of the body are energetically imbalanced and need further attention.
Acupuncture
Acupuncture is likely the most popular form of energy healing used in the U.S. The theory behind the technique is that mental and physical disease result from blockages in the flow of vital energy along pathways called meridians. Acupuncture uses tiny sterilized needles to unblock the body’s meridians at specific points on the body. The treatment should not be painful, and in fact an acupuncture session can be very relaxing. Many patients will even fall asleep during the treatments, which can last from 30 minutes to an hour or more.

Who Can Benefit From Energy Healing?

Energy healing has wide-ranging benefits, from promoting deep relaxation to helping the body heal itself mentally, physically, and spiritually. The goal is to identify energy imbalances that can lead to health issues. Energy-related ailments can be more obvious—like sleeping problems or depression—or more hidden—like problems finding a partner or the inability to set and reach goals. If you feel like you’re not where you want to be in your life for one reason or another, consider trying one of these techniques either on its own or in combination.
Stagnant energy in the body can lead to a host of ailments, from anxiety and depression to knee pain and inflammation. Sometimes self-limiting belief systems can keep us from getting what we want out of life. If you feel that something just isn’t quite right in your life, it’s worth exploring the many forms of energy healing to see what technique works for you.