Tag: parenting

Ask any working parent in the United States and they’ll tell you that childcare is a huge expense for their family. Most Americans report that they spend 10 percent of more of their income on childcare, while roughly one third of American families are spending 20 percent of their income on care for their child while they work, according to a Care.com survey. Daycare costs so much, you can actually attend an in-state college for a year for less than you spend on a year of daycare for your children, according to NPR.
The cost of daycare is a real problem in the United States. For my family, it meant I took an overnight job after my daughter’s first birthday and would come home and parent on little to no sleep several times a week. For some families, it is the reason that mothers decide not to return to work after a child is born. Unfortunately, it is often one of the reasons that children end up with subpar, or even dangerous, care providers.
“When my daughter was a baby, we had no money,” shares Amy Shearn, mom and freelance writer. “But there was a lady down the block who watched kids for cheap. I didn’t love it because she’d sometimes have three or four kids there, and they seemed to mostly eat cookies and watch TV … we did it anyway for a few hours a week because it was the only way I could get any work done without paying more than I was making.”
Amy Shearn isn’t alone. Many parents face problems with their childcare options because of cost, location, and a lack of information. When childcare is subpar, it is ultimately the children that suffer the most.

The Laws that Make Childcare Safe

In order to become a licensed childcare facility, service providers have to comply with a specific set of guidelines and pass inspections. In the United States, these guidelines vary from state to state.
In Missouri, for instance, licensing laws are different based on the type of care center. In-home daycares don’t have to be licensed, according to Robin Phillips, the chief executive officer of Child Care Aware of Missouri, but if they want to become licensed they will have to comply with laws in place pertaining to environmental safety, teacher-to-child ratio, background checks, and more.
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And some child care providers are completely exempt, such as religious providers of childcare, preschool programs that offer less than four hours of care each day, and anyone who is caring less than four non-related children in their home, according to the The Missouri Department of Health and Senior Services.

The Surprising Number of Daycare Violations

Daycare violations among licensed facilities are incredibly common, unfortunately. One 2013 news story detailed an alarming 144 number of violations in the St. Louis area alone. These violations were sometimes minor, but many were downright scary. One center, for instance, was facing a violation after a child was found walking down a street in the area. Another was reported when a child was kneed by a staff member. Many of the childcare violations were because the center didn’t have the correct number of staff members for the number of children in each class.
More recently, in December 2017, an Arizona daycare faced a $300 fine after three employees were charged with child abuse. The investigation happened after the three employees covered up a incident where a child was struck with a broom.
A Houston area daycare was investigated in December as well when a child was found walking near the highway by police, according to KHUO. The child was said to have walked away while outside during recess, according to the story, and the child’s absence went unnoticed by the staff.

Exclusive video: small child found on side of 288 returned to nearby church daycare. Lady says he’s “one of ours.” Driver who spotted him says kid was crying. Working to confirm other details #khou11 pic.twitter.com/TMKGfkYe6N

— Jason Miles (@JMilesKHOU) December 22, 2017

Unfortunately, the list goes on and on. Enough searching reveals stories of children abused or losing their lives while under the watch of their care providers. It’s enough to make the very idea of dropping your child off at a daycare center scary.

The Good News About Child Care Violations

There really is good news. Childcare violations are typically published for the public online in a state database. This means that parents can do their research on a childcare provider themselves, using the information they find online to make informed decisions about the childcare provider they chose. This information is provided by the start department responsible for child care licenses in each state, like the Department of Health and Senior Services in Missouri.
“It helps parents understand if they were cited for any reason,” Phillips explains. “There’s an array of things that are minor violations, and there are obviously some things that are more serious, and those things are tracked, and they’re public information.”
It’s important to understand that unlicensed providers won’t appear on this database. When care providers are unlicensed, they don’t get visited by the department of child care regulations, according to Phillips.
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In addition searching the databases available online, Phillips recommends that parents take the time to visit childcare providers they’re considering multiple times. Instead of relying on word-of-mouth alone, guardians should make both planned and random visits, paying attention the number of teachers in the room at any given time, how many kids are there, and what is going on in the daycare during any point of the day. For families who are uncertain of what type of questions to ask or what to look for in a center, Child Care Aware, which is available in several states, provides resources to parents to help guide them as the select a provider for the children in their care.

Why Unsafe Childcare is Commonplace

Unfortunately, in the United States, unsafe or low quality childcare options appear to commonplace. There are certainly excellent child care options in the State, but there are three big limitations that prevent parents and other family members from finding quality care for the child in their their care.
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First, and perhaps the most obvious, is cost. Like Shearn, many parents are trying to find a childcare provider they can afford and finding the costs of daycare astronomical. In 2016, the average cost of daycare style childcares was $211 each week, according to a survey by Care.com. The costs go up from there: Nannies cost over twice that much, and simply hiring an after-school sitter for 15 hours a week puts most parents back $232 a week.
And for parents who qualify for assistance, the subsidies still aren’t enough, according to Phillips. Those making minimum wage are still struggling to pay for their reduced-rate childcare. Even if a family can afford childcare, the issue of availability is a problem in certain areas of the country.
“There are challenges in more rural areas. This is a national issues, not just in Missouri,” explains Phillips. “There’s scarcity in what’s available, the supply, compared to … the number of working families with children under six that are in need of that service.”
 
Lastly, not all states have laws and regulations that are helpful to parents looking for care and the licensing regulations vary greatly from state to state. This may make information on daycare difficult to come by, especially if parents don’t know about resources like Child Care Aware or their state simply doesn’t have this kind of resource.

The Bigger Picture

Many of the limitations mentioned above may appear to be individual, based on the circumstances of a specific family, like their income or where they live. The truth is the problems families face when looking for care for children is unquestionably linked to a bigger country-wide problem.

It’s easy to look at the extreme examples mentioned above—children wandering off or being abused in centers—and begin to believe that safety is the only matter at stake when selecting care for a child. There is a lot more at stake. Based on the availability of childcare and the limited resources that help parents pay for childcare, it doesn’t appear that the country as a whole is taking this seriously. It’s important to understand how pivotal the early years are for children, and the the conversation surrounding childcare have to go beyond “Are children safe?” and move to questions about what kind of effort is being put into their enrichment as a human being.
“When they don’t have access to those environments or the families struggles to pay for that, it usually falls on the backs of the child and their future,” says Phillips, adding that our country as a whole doesn’t place a high enough value on the earliest years of a child’s life.
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“By the time a child is five, the research out there will tell you that that child’s brain is 90 percent developed of an adult,” says Phillips, who strongly believes that children need access to so much more than safe care. A low stress environment that focuses on individual learning is what all children need to thrive as young children and as they grow into adolescents and adults.

Like most 20-somethings, I’ve been on the internet for a long time. Long before there were children in my life or even a serious love interest (unless you count a junior high crush), I was spending my free time sending emails to girlfriends on Juno, then chatting on AIM, writing out my teenage angst on Xanga, and then posting songs from my favorite screamo band on Myspace.
So I grew up online. And then, when social media really took off, I was in high school and then moving on to college and adulthood. I grew accustomed to living my life out online, posting pictures of my wedding, my first home, and then my first baby. It was what I had always done, and it didn’t cross my mind that having children should change that in anyway.
Now, I’ve been posting pictures of my children online for over five years. I’ve been careful, to an extent, keeping the pictures appropriate, especially as my children grew older. Recently, I started to wonder if being careful wasn’t enough. They’re too young to consent to me posting pictures of them online, so is every post I make about them an invasion of their privacy?
It’s hard not to feel a little anxious about the choices I’ve made to live my life so transparently online. What will my children think about my social media choices when they’re teens? In 2016, for instance, an 18-year-old sued her parents for sharing over 500 pictures of her childhood on social media. According to USA Today, these Austrian parents hadn’t practiced a lot of discretion, posting pictures of her using the bathroom and sleeping unclothed.
For a generation that became parents in the age of social media, it’s difficult to know what is and isn’t appropriate to share. Cases like these are raising serious questions about each child’s right to privacy, along with the potential for legal consequences when parents don’t respect that right.

Every Child Has a Right to Privacy

“It is very important to teach children how to tell their own story and direct their own narrative,” explains Rob Holmes, a private investigator and security consultant who specializes in handling privacy issues, threats, and intellectual property.
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Unfortunately, for children who have grown up in the social media age, many parents are creating narratives for their children long before that child can consent to sharing that information online. It isn’t the occasional video of a child’s first steps or a photo of their preschool graduation, either. It’s the day-to-day of their lives—good, bad, and embarrassing.

A Nominet and Parent Zone study reveals the sharing done by parents is much more extensive than most realize, with the average parenting sharing roughly 1,500 pictures of their child online before their fifth birthday. This level of oversharing presents two serious issues, in the the opinion of Lisa Vallejos, PhD, who shares her thoughts with HealthyWay from the perspective of a therapist and a mother herself.
First, there are the issues of safety, which is a concern every parent should consider when posting pictures of their child online. In each image shared, including those shared to private accounts, there is code called metadata. This code contains information about the image, like the GPS location and the contact information of the person who took the photo, according to TechTarget.
Secondly, there is the potential of what we share online now becoming a source of shame for our children in the near future. Of course parents think that everything their baby and toddlers do is cute, but it is difficult to predict how those images could be harmful to the child in the future, and Vallegos encourages parents to keep that in mind.
“Particularly in photos that can provoke feelings of shame,” she says. “Once it’s out there, it’s out there, and you can’t get it back.”
She went on to say there is significant potential for these images, from potty training to tantrums, to later be found and have impact on relationships, friendships, and even careers, simply because they exist and could create shame for the child.

Every Child has a Right to Consent

Beyond the obvious impact parents’ online activity has on their children, the choice to post pictures of a child without their knowledge or permission raises big questions about the topic of consent, according to Vallegos. She was quick to point out how current events, specifically multiple allegations of sexual harassment and sexual abuse, should only further motivate parents to take the topic of consent more seriously.
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More specifically, parents should consider the message it sends when they teach their child about consent but then do not respect that child’s own right to consent by oversharing private information about them online.
“We have to talk about consent, and we have to talk about consent from an early age,” she says. “It sends a really mixed message to a kid that they don’t get to consent with their parents, but they’re expected to know what consent is.”

Are there laws that protect children on social media?

If a teenager can sue her parents for sharing her baby photos on social media, does that mean there are laws in place meant to protect children from their parents’ oversharing? Unfortunately, the answer isn’t so black and white.
For example, in France parents have been formally urged to take their child’s privacy seriously, suggesting they shouldn’t be sharing pictures of their kids online at all. They take privacy so seriously that any parent who is sued by their child for a breach of privacy could pay as much as €45,000 in fines or spend a year in prison, according to The Verge.
In the States, there is obviously a much more relaxed stance on the subject of privacy for minors, but that doesn’t necessarily mean sharing online is without legal risk, according to Robert Ellis Smith, an attorney and the publisher of The Privacy Journal.

“Generally, parents are able to give consent to use photographs for their children until they reach the age of consent,” he says, explaining that the age of consent varies from state to state but is typically between 16 and 18 years old. “Commercial exploitation of a photo or use of one showing highly embarrassing or sensitive features may override this rule of law.”

Relearning Social Media Use

Personally, as someone who has shared extensively online about my life as a mom and my kids’ childhoods, I’m beginning to feel some regret about my online habits. I’ve done the research, I’ve talked to the experts, and it has become pretty clear—posting about my kids online doesn’t benefit anyone but me.
At times, it feels like sharing photos of my kids is a right that I have as a parent, but now I find myself questioning that assumption. There seems to be a big difference between texting my mom a picture of one of her grandkids covered in food after a dinner of red sauce and pasta and posting that same image online for hundreds of followers and friends to see. I’m frustrated with myself that I haven’t seen that line until now, and I find myself wondering why I got into the habit in the first place.
“I think it could be that it’s just normal and accepted now,” says Vallejos, noting that although many assume it’s a symptom of narcissism, she believes that is rarely the case. “People don’t really think about the implications or the deeper issues.”

I don’t care how much I post my kid on social media, he’s my life.

— Grace (@grace_laster) January 11, 2018

There is also the issue of competition and comparison, which I would love to believe I am immune to, but I know that is not true. It’s fairly typical for parents to feel a bit of competition with others, and children are a great source of validation, according to Vallejos.
For parents like me, who have spent so much of their lives on social media, it may be time to relearn how to use social media. I know that I have a lot to think about moving forward concerning what I post online.
There are two pieces of advice Vallejos offers to parents who feel they have already made mistakes when it comes to their kids’ privacy and social media. First, she suggests parents own the mistake, admit it to their kids, and decide not to get stuck in the shame. This is a good opportunity for parents to be transparent with their kids, admit their mistake, and explain that moving forward they will ask them for permission before posting anything about them online. Secondly, and more practically, she suggests doing the work of removing or hiding pictures and status updates that breach your child’s privacy.
https://twitter.com/voxkristen/status/957096750271037441
As for me, I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. At first thought, it seems extreme to wipe my child’s identity from the internet. At the same time, I no longer feel like it was my choice to share their childhood, to write their story, to begin with. And so, I’ve started the work of slowly saving what I want to keep to a thumbdrive and deleting the rest. I can’t undo the oversharing I have done online, but I can do everything possible to lessen the impact it has on my child.

Since starting my family, I’ve taken at least a dozen pregnancy tests. It’s always such a rush of emotions: a dose of excitement, a little fear, and lots of anticipation. My hands usually shake as I open the package, review the instructions, pee…and then wait.
Is there a new little life forming inside my womb? Will I see two lines or one? With the line be too faint to read? Am I testing too early? Do these dollar store pregnancy tests really work?
They do work, I can assure you, and I’m so happy my midwife encouraged me to stop spending more than necessary for at-home pregnancy tests!

In the 21st century, it’s easy to determine whether or not you’re pregnant. But just two generations ago, things weren’t as predictable. In the 1940s, when my grandmother was first expecting, there were no tests she could take at home. It took a visit to the doctor and lots of waiting to determine if there was a bun in the oven.
It wasn’t until 1976 that the first FDA approved at-home pregnancy test, called e.p.t., short for “Early Pregnancy Test” and later “Error Proof Test.” In 1977, it hit the market. “For your $10,” read a 1978 article in the magazine Mademoiselle, “you get pre-measured ingredients consisting of a vial of purified water, a test tube containing, among other things, sheep red blood cells…as well as a medicine dropper and clear plastic support for the test tube, with an angled mirror at the bottom.”

The First Urine Test

The Egyptians were the first to discover a somewhat accurate way to determine pregnancy around 1350 BCE, according to the NIH report.
It was similar to modern days tests in the fact that urine was tested, but in the Egyptians’ case, the wondering woman would urinate on a barley and wheat seeds over the course of a few days. If the seeds grew, she was expecting. If they did not, she was not.

This theory was tested in 1963, and scientists found it to have a surprising level of accuracy when it came to pregnancy: 70 percent. “Scholars have identified this as perhaps the first test to detect a unique substance in the urine of pregnant women, and have speculated that elevated levels of estrogens in pregnant women’s urine may have been the key to its success,” wrote the National Institute of Health’s office of history.

French Persuasian

Jacques Guillemeau, a 16th century surgeon, believed that a woman’s eyes were the tip-off for pregnancy.

A Hop and a Prayer

“When I started medical school, we literally had to wait for the rabbit to die to see if someone was pregnant,” recalled Mary Jane Minkin, MD, in a previous interview with HealthyWay.
Starting in the 1930s and lasting into the ’70s, a somewhat barbaric test was done where a woman’s urine was injected into the veins of a live, female rabbit. If the pregnancy hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) was present in the urine, the rabbit would ovulate and confirm that the woman was pregnant.

“Unfortunately, this method came at a tremendous cost to the rabbits—their lives!” wrote Jenny Lelwica Buttaccio for HealthyWay. “The rabbit’s ovaries couldn’t be seen without an autopsy or surgery to remove the ovaries; the latter was typically deemed a waste of effort.”
A similar test could be done with African clawed toad, but, since toads externally ovulate through spawning, the test didn’t cost them their lives. Rather, frogs were just observed to see if they would spawn within 24 hours of the injection.
 

To Wait, Or To Test

The most basic and non-invasive way to determine pregnancy has always been to pay attention to symptoms. Pregnancy symptoms peak early in the first trimester, so if exact conception dates are not known, other signs surely tell the tale.
Sunny Jun, MD of The Colorado Center of Reproductive Medicine San Francisco lists the following and signs that usually mean a baby is on board: missed period, swollen and tender breasts, increased fatigue, moodiness, nausea, food aversions or cravings, spotting, headaches, and light headedness.

But those symptoms don’t always point to pregnancy. Hence, the interest in pregnancy tests: something more exact. Women have always craved answers about their bodies, then and most definitely now.
Now, when a woman browses the aisles of the drugstore, she has countless options of at-home pregnancy tests. They all, in effect, do the same thing: evaluate the concentration of the hCG. If taken in the proper window, the tests are 99 percent accurate, according to the Mayo Clinic.

“A urine or blood pregnancy test is checking for the beta subunit of the [hCG] hormone,” says Jun. “The urine test can detect as early as several days prior to the two weeks after ovulation. If done too early, it may come back as falsely negative.” For optimal accuracy, the Mayo Clinic recommends women take at-home tests one day to one week after their missed period.
Blood tests are more accurate but require a visit to the doctor, whereas a urine test can be done at home…or in the bathroom of the store where the test was purchased, if time is of the essence!

What All Pregnancy Tests Have in Common

No matter the testing method—modern day or way back when—there are a number of commonalities when trying to find out if a woman is pregnant. First, is the analysis of urine. This is most common and most accurate, although as we’ve learned the accuracy wavered over time depending on the exact method.

Second is the observation of physical changes. Accuracy varies greatly with this, but upon conception, a woman’s body begins to change inside and out. Eventually, whether through a test, calculated dates, or a growing belly bump, pregnancy becomes obvious.

What’s next?

It has been four decades since the at-home pregnancy test became available for regular consumers. Science and medical advances are made every day, and yet, for years, there have been no updates in the realm of pregnancy testing. Until now.

Giving birth is one of the hardest, most rewarding things I have ever done. I carried three babies and then welcomed them into the world. Each experience was wildly different: one induction, one short labor and delivery, and one long birth that stalled so many times I thought he’d never arrive.
At the same time, in the grand scheme of things, my births were all very simple. They were unique and special for me, but there was nothing extraordinary about them when compared to the huge spectrum of potential birth experiences. I had contractions, I got an epidural, and I pushed until my baby joined the world.
Birth is an experience that is different from mom to mom. It’s completely natural and typically follows the same pattern of events, but it can also be unpredictable and unexpected. For new moms, or moms who simply want a different experience from their last, there are seemingly endless birthing decisions to make. Will you have your baby in a hospital or at home? Will you get an epidural or use other methods to manage the pain? Here are the options.

Getting Things Started

Unless you are scheduled for a cesarean section, your body has to go into labor before you can actually give birth. Modern moms are offered the option to wait for spontaneous labor or have their labor induced, typically through the use of a drug called Pitocin.

When it comes to getting things started, there are many benefits to letting nature take its course. It is generally accepted that spontaneous labor is associated with a lower risk of intervention, specifically decreasing the risk of needing a c-section or an epidural, as documented in a study published in The Journal of Reproductive Medicine. Elective induction, meaning induction without a clear medical need for it, is found to increase the risk of needing a c-section, having an epidural, and causing concerning heart rate changes in the unborn child.
At the same time, benefits of induction do exist for mothers who are over 41 weeks gestation. For these moms, who have carried longer than typical pregnancies, elective induction actually reduces the risk of a c-section compared to moms who wait for spontaneous labor past 41 weeks, according to a medical data compiled by Stanford-UCSF Evidence-Based Practice Center.

Of course, there are also cases when induction is no longer considered elective because the mom or baby’s condition requires an early delivery. In some cases, such a placenta previa, a scheduled c-section is required to protect the baby and the mother’s help, according to James Betoni, a leading high risk maternal fetal medicine OB-GYN Boise, Idaho.

Does environment matter?

We’ve covered the question of when a mom gives birth, but what about where? Moms can choose between a hospital birth, home birth, or birthing center. Although the popularity of home births has increased over the last decade and a half, most mothers still plan to have their babies in the hospital. Home births accounted for .89 percent of all births in 2012, the last year the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention collected data on this subject, and .39 percent of moms chose a birthing center.
It’s difficult to compare the benefits of in-hospital and out-of-hospital births. For instance, a 2015 study published in The New England Journal of Medicine did find differences existed between in-hospital and out-of-hospital births, but they were not only insignificant, the study also noted that negative outcomes of births were very low in both situations. More specifically, fetal death was more likely in an out-of-hospital births, but only slightly, and the difference was not enough to be considered statistically significant. One thing worth noting was that obstetrical intervention, specifically c-sections, were more likely in planned hospital births than in planned home births.

Even so, the choice to deliver a baby at home or in a birthing center is a controversial one. Although the United Kingdom has taken an official stance on the subject, encouraging low-risk mothers to consider home births, the United States is more resistant to the idea.
“For low risk women who are properly screened, home birth is a safe option,” says Christina M. Kocis, certified nurse midwife and doctor of nursing practice, director of the Division of Midwifery at Stony Brook University Hospital. “I think we don’t have an infrastructure or a system here that supports that as they do in the UK.”

She also notes that because the UK supports home births, these births tend to be attended by certified midwives who are actually part of the national healthcare system; this isn’t the case in the United States. Of course, it is possible to find properly trained and licensed midwives in the United States, but mothers should be aware that there are lay midwives practicing here and ensure that their home birth team has received proper licensure.
In addition to the choice between hospital, home, and birthing center, there is the choice of water birth or giving birth in bed. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of research available on potential negative outcomes associated with these two choices. One study, published in 2016 in The Journal of Midwifery and Women’s Health, found no risks for babies associated with their mother choosing a water birth but noted that moms might be at an increased risk for genital tract trauma.

Of course, risk factors aren’t the only thing worth considering. For moms who are looking for alternative pain management options, a water birth might be an appropriate choice since it is believed to offer the benefits of added comfort and helping to calm the mother, according to the American Pregnancy Association.

Drug-Free or Pain-Free?

The next choice moms have to make might be among the most debated of birthing choices. Should mom get an epidural, or should she opt for a birth free of pain medication?

There are some downsides to electing to have an epidural, according to a study published in Obstetrics and Gynecology International. Research suggests that having an epidural is associated with a slower second stage of labor which may increase the likelihood of c-section. And mothers who have an epidural are at an increased risk of an assisted delivery, meaning medical instruments are used during the delivery to remove the baby from the birth canal.

There are no risks associated with giving birth without pain medication, however, as Kocis points out, physiological effects are not the only thing to consider in this decision.
“There may be patients who need pain medication who, as a result of using pain medication, may … have a birth that, in retrospect, was either calmer or, in their opinion, may be less traumatic for some women,” she explains. “But the same can hold true for women who get the medication.”
This choice is one that is difficult to generalize, according to Kocis, and that seems to be true based on what moms who have experienced either an epidural or a drug-free birth share with HealthyWay.

“The whole experience was fantastic. I was fortunate to have a quick labor, but I really appreciated being in control of my body,” shares Betsy Larson, a mom of one who opted out of an epidural for her planned hospital birth. “I wasn’t confined like I was concerned I would be with an epidural.”

In comparison, Erin Heger, a mom of one who also had a planned hospital birth without an epidural, says that the advantage of being in control and having the support of her doula was great, but it wasn’t worth the pain and exhaustion she experienced.
“I will not be doing it again,” she says of her drug-free birth.

Laboring Techniques

An epidural isn’t the only method for managing pain during labor. When it comes to laboring techniques, HypnoBirth and the Bradley Method seem to be the most popular among today’s moms. Much of want is known about the benefits of these laboring techniques is anecdotal, according to a comparison of the two written in The Journal of Perinatal Education.

However, this research does make it clear that each of these methods holds benefits for moms with specific desires and circumstances. HypnoBirth, for instance, is heavily focused on pain management through self-hypnosis, making it a great option for women committed to managing their pain themselves or who are without a supportive partner.

In comparison, the Bradley Method is all about the partner, teaching the significant other to be the laboring mother’s coach through the labor and delivery. Each of these methods can be incredibly helpful to laboring moms, according to Kocis, but much of the success is dependent on the mother (and her partner) and their ability to commit to really learning the practices of the technique.
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Ultimately, when it comes to making choices about how and where a mom will labor, the choice is all about her specific medical needs and her preferences. What one mom wants or needs may be vastly different from another mom’s hope for her birth, and it is important to spend time reflecting on that before making a decision. Most importantly, moms should be sure they are educated so they can make good choices for themselves and their baby.

Basics for the complex:
The way you give birth is NOT a competition. Natural, C-section, or Epidural does not define you as a mom. A mom is a mom.

— Tanya Sparkles (@Tanya__Sparkles) January 22, 2018

“There is no one answer,” explains Betoni. “Every patient is different and every story is different. When there is an option, as long as the patients are educated, the mom should have a say.”

I wish I was one of those people who could let things go.
Some things, I can. Like how my car seems to pile up with coats, books, and ten sippy cups. Other things, I cannot. Like how I don’t craft with my kids enough, especially my super artistic daughter. Or how I turn to the television as a babysitter more days than not. Or raise my voice over a glass of spilled milk (literally, it happened this week).
At night, when my precious children are tucked into bed, I sneak into their rooms and often whisper, “Mama is sorry, I’m trying, I love you so very much.” I’ll kiss them, tuck their covers, and tiptoe out, promising that tomorrow will be better. I’ll be better.
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“When we feel guilt, it is a signal that we are making a choice that is not aligned with who we want to be in the world.”
—Alexandra Solomon, PhD[/pullquote]
In many ways, I am a wonderful mother. But it’s those nagging regrets that I mull over at night. As much as I detest the weight of that guilt, part of me is happy for my parenting regrets. Wyatt Fisher, PsyD, a licensed psychologist, says, “ … having some guilt is a sign of being an effective, conscientious parent because you’re reflecting on how you’ve done and where you could have improved.”
Regrets push me to become a better parent, show my kids that mistakes are okay, and most importantly, teach them how to resolve their own regrets by modeling the path I take with my own. That’s what I’m thankful for: the teaching opportunity that regrets provide.
I think most moms and dads would concur that our parenting regrets are bountiful. But through them, we adapt and grow. “Strange as it may sound, guilt can actually be a helpful emotion when we relate to our guilt in a healthy manner,” says Alexandra Solomon, PhD, a practicing clinical psychologist and Northwestern University professor. “When we feel guilt, it is a signal that we are making a choice that is not aligned with who we want to be in the world. … We can use guilt as a motivation to course-correct.”
So, what regrets do parents have most of all when evaluating their parenting? I’m sure you can agree, regrets range from simple and light-hearted to serious game-changers. A few parents are baring it all with the regrets they’ve experienced, and their transparency is no doubt an opportunity for us to all learn.

Letting Screens Rule

Jody Fritz, a mom of two grown children, says, “I have very few regrets, but two nag me. I wished I’d significantly limited screen time and increased the amount of family responsibility through chores and yard work.”

This really resonates with me. Fewer screens, more outside time and training for real life. After all, we only have 18 years to make sure our kids are ready for adulthood. Television, iPads, and the like don’t do much in the way of preparing kids for the responsibilities to come. Shadowing us through daily life and then adopting some of our responsibilities as their own do.

Resolving this regret begins with, you guessed it, y-o-u. Fisher says, “… if you regret not setting better boundaries for [your kids] with technology … be sure to model healthy boundaries now with technology because actions speak louder than words.” Phones down, mom and dad—it starts with us.

Going Too Fast

It’s common these days to hear about being present—the whole “stop and smell the roses” mentality. It’s easy to say, much harder to practice. Life is fast. Our to-do lists are long. Day in and day out, our kids need us hundreds of times, and parents are run ragged trying to keep up. It’s hard to slow down and just enjoy the little things.

Lori Heller, a mom of three, says her biggest parenting regret is not “slowing down more [and] enjoying the everyday moment.” She continues: “I’m realizing how fast it goes by. My kids are growing so fast, I feel like I missed so much by trying to be the perfect mom.” And even the “perfect moms” (the ones we see while scrolling through social media) make mistakes. Promise.

Heller isn’t the only one with this regret. Melissa Swofford, a mom of five, shares, “Life is so busy and chaotic so much of the time—I have to stop and remind myself that I won’t get these moments back. So what if our sink is overflowing with dishes? Stop for that one second to take in what ever ‘the moment’ may entail.”

Being a Worrywart

So many parents shared that they regret allowing worry to consume them. From babies’ milestones to coughing fits to school choices to grades, worry is a natural part of parenting. But the goal is to push that worry to the backseat.

“Choose to be led by love instead,” Tesse Struve, founder of Millennial Mom Coaching says. “When you lead with love and choose your actions from a place of love instead of fear, you will start to feel better about your choices and actions around your family.”

Prioritizing the Wrong Things

Most parents would say that their family is their number one priority, the driving force behind all they do. But do our actions really line up with our words? Not always. Daniel Reeser, a dad of two, provides a great example of what aligning our priorities really looks like. He says that he regrets “not taking enough time off work (even though I had extra time to take) after my first child was born to support mom at home more.”
The good news is that baby number two followed, and Reeser made a change: “[With my] second, I took more time off work than mom did, and it was great!”

Gayla Duerr, a mom of four grown children, says that when she reflects back on raising her children, she “would opt for much less time sitting in bleachers and more time serving together as a family.” Sports are such a part of our culture that it’s hard to say no, especially when our kids participate alongside their friends. But I think Duerr relays an important idea. Are we trying to raise athletes or people who are ready and willing to give back to their community? Where we devote our time speaks volumes.

Not Taking Care of Myself

Heidi Duncan, a mom of one, points to the earliest days of her parenting when thinking about her regrets. “[I regret] that I didn’t address my postpartum depression earlier. It sucked the life and joy out of early motherhood.”

Duncan isn’t alone: More than 600,000 women suffer from postpartum depression every year. Self-care doesn’t stop at postpartum though. Parents can’t pour from an empty cup, and as I always say, a well taken care of mom is able to take care of her family well.

Giving Social Media Power

We live in a digital age, and social media isn’t something that can be 100 percent avoided. Many parents regret how social media affects them, and Jamie Durham, a mom of four, says that she most regrets “allowing social media to dictate how I raise my kids … I felt condemned that no matter what I chose to do, I was doing it wrong according to someone.”
https://twitter.com/tracybromero/status/957484776864264193
Durham says that since identifying this, she has worked to set boundaries and focus more on knowing her own family, “[which] turns out to be the best way of knowing what they need. No article or blog post can teach me that!”

Mom Twitter is canceled. Y’all are too much.

— michelle (@lynnmishy11) January 27, 2018

Mark Sharp, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, sees all too often how the influx of information affects parents. He says, “I would encourage parents to make sure they are forming their own values and acting from them rather than listening too much to the myriad of messages out there telling them how to be a good parent. Our culture is quick to judge parents, but the most important things are simple: love your kids, value them, let them know those things, and then do the best you can.”

Struve affirms the steps Durham took to overcome her regret: “The first step to handling any guilt or regret over a parenting choice is to identify what you are feeling and why.” That’s exactly what Durham did. And now she balances a little social media with a lot of family knowledge.

Say goodbye to regret.

Solomon says the first step in moving past regret and the shame associated with it is to say it out loud: “Shame grows in silence, so one step toward shifting out of a place of shame is giving it voice—to your partner, to your therapist, to your trusted friend. Receiving some empathy from someone you trust can break the shame and help you move into a place of committing to making different choices.”

If you’re holding on to some deep-seated regret within your parent/child relationship, make plans to get it off your chest. That momentum will empower you to revisit your values, apologize if needed, and move into a better place.
Struve recommends putting a positive spin on regret, “… sit down and write down all of the wonderful things you have done right as a parent. When you start focusing on the positive, then you can release the regret and the guilt, and move your family into a space of joy and fulfillment.”
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“There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, so each parent’s journey is to figure out how to be good enough.”
—Alexandra Solomon, PhD
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And who doesn’t want more of that? This might even be an opportunity to get the kids involved. More than anyone, they’ll be able to identify what you’re doing well. According to my son, I’m “the best snuggler ever,” and my daughter told me that I’m “really good at planning fun things.” It warmed my heart to hear, and now, during my night time rounds, I’m choosing to focus more on the positive highlights of our day rather than dwelling on my missteps.
Solomon notes: “If you are beating yourself up about mistake and regrets, you are actually keeping yourself stuck. Shifting to more positive self-talk will help you find the strength you need to practice the kind of parenting you want to practice.”
So, say it with me: “I’m a really awesome parent!” Say it loud and proud because you are. You have an amazing heart brimming with love and devotion for your children. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be evaluating your regrets and striving to grow as a parent. Solomon shares a final bit of encouragement: “Parenting stirs up every single old wound, trauma, insecurity, and fear that we have. Every. Single. One. Every parent needs to do the difficult and courageous work of figuring out what it means to be a ‘good enough parent.’ There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, so each parent’s journey is to figure out how to be good enough. Stay committed to doing your emotional work as a parent…for your sake and for your kids’ sake!”

Growing up, I felt like my mother and I couldn’t be any more different. She is orderly and logical, with a knack for simply doing the next thing that needs to be done. She has strong convictions about what’s right and wrong. On the other hand, I have never been known as neat or organized. I tend to spend more time dreaming, and, although I have strong moral convictions, they’re a little more abstract. I’m the yin to her yang.
Being different from my mom was never a problem, really. Of course, we did butt heads from time to time, but we mostly understood one another and accepted each other for who we are. What I didn’t expect, however, was that time would reveal that I was much more like her than I had ever expected.

I never anticipated that I’d notice myself sounding just like her. I was surprised the very first time I caught a glance in the mirror at my adult face, thinking I had spotted my mother for just a second.

Like my mom and me, mothers and children share a lot, no matter how different they may seem. It’s inevitable. Whether learned from watching them or passed down through genetics, children are destined to inherit certain traits from their parents.
Unfortunately, there are also certain health risks that are more likely to be passed from mothers on to their sons and daughters.

The Science of Inherited Traits

In the nucleus of each cell in the human body, you can find the chromosomes you inherit from your parents. You have 23 pairs of chromosomes, with one half of each pair from one parent and the other half from the other. These chromosomes determine what traits you inherit, like the color of your eyes.

What traits you inherit from which parent really depends on a lot of things. Some genes are dominant, which means they get priority over other genes no matter which parent they come from. It isn’t just physical traits that get passed from parent to child, according to the United Kingdom’s National Health Service. If there are mutations on a gene, those mutations may be inherited by the child. Of course, genetics are not completely to blame: Many conditions are random or caused by environmental factors, according to Erin O’Toole, MS, a certified genetic counselor and the owner of Family Forecast.

“Down syndrome, for example, is a typically random event but does tend to happen more frequently as mothers get older,” she explains. “If a mother or father is personally affected by a genetic condition, a child is typically at increased risk, but this risk would change depending on the condition.”
Additionally, sometimes genetic conditions are simply carried by a parent, who remains unaffected, but they can pass on the condition to their child. And there are some conditions that require both parents to be carriers for the child to be at risk, while others require only the mom or only the dad.

When it comes to physical traits, it’s kind of a toss up whether mom or dad passes on a certain trait. What we do know, however, is that there are a few traits and conditions that are more likely to be passed from mom to child. In some cases, it’s all genetic. In others, it’s about the environment the mom provides during pregnancy and early childhood.

Apple or pear?

One’s body type can be inherited from their mother, according to a study published in the journal BMC Biology in 2014. In this study, they discovered that two specific imprinted genes influence the composition of muscle and fat in the body of mice. And one of those imprinted genes, known as Grb10, was linked to an increased risk of obesity and a glucose intolerance in those mice.

So what does this mean for humans? Scientists believe further research should take place to examine the possibility that maternal genes and paternal genes are working against each other to determine body composition with maternal genes linked to higher body fat.

Just Like Mom

When it comes to fertility in women, a genetic link may exist between mom and daughter. Specifically, the age of mom as she begins menopause might have a correlation with infertility in her daughter.

According to a study published in the journal Human Reproduction, the number of eggs left in a woman’s ovaries decreases more quickly in the daughters of women who enter menopause earlier in life. This is an important aspect of fertility, since we know that egg count and quality decreases as women grow older.

It’s in Our Blood

Women who carry a specific blood disorder might pass that disorder onto their sons. Hemophilia is a clotting disorder that causes abnormal bleeding, most frequently experienced by men. This is a genetic disorder that is carried on the X chromosome. When a mother only has one hemophilia gene, she carries the disorder but doesn’t exhibit symptoms. If she has a son, he will inherit hemophilia from her and, since he only has one X Chromosome, he will experience the symptoms of this clotting disorder, according to the National Heart, Blood, and Lung Institute.

Mental Health Issues

Prenatal depression is believed to be experienced by as many as 23 percent of expecting moms, according to research published by the American Pregnancy Association. Many mothers experience symptoms that go well beyond nervousness about the new baby, experiencing hopelessness, mood swings, and even anger.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Having a parent with a mental health condition does increase the risk for a child, but we are still often unable to determine the extent of the increase.”[/pullquote]
Unfortunately, it is believed that many moms go undiagnosed or untreated. We know that prenatal depression does influence the health of a baby. It is linked to negative birth outcomes like problems with development and lower birth weights. There is also an increased risk for the child developing mental health problems later in life, although research is still inconclusive on how much this risk is increased, according to O’Toole.

“Mental health conditions, including depression, are categorized as ‘multifactorial’ conditions, meaning they are the result of multiple genetic and non-genetic factors,” she explains. “Having a parent with a mental health condition does increase the risk for a child, but we are still often unable to determine the extent of the increase.”

For parents who are concerned because of their own mental health background, she suggests a discussion with child’s pediatrician so both parents and doctor can be on the lookout for symptoms and discuss early intervention if needed.

A Scary Cancer Gene

Certain mothers pass a high risk of breast cancer on to their daughters. Specifically, there are two gene mutations that are increased with a higher likelihood of developing breast cancer and ovarian cancers
Certain mutations of the genes BRCA1 and BRCA2 are passed from mother to daughter and are responsible for an estimated 20 percent of hereditary breast cancers and 15 percent of ovarian cancers, according to the National Cancer Institute.
Of all the women who inherited the BRCA1, between 55 and 65 percent will end up with breast cancer. This is a staggering number when you consider that 12 percent of the general population of women are diagnosed with breast cancer. When it comes to the BRCA2 mutation, around 40 percent of women who inherit this mutation go on to develop ovarian cancer.
The good news is that the mutations are not common, so only those with a family history of women being diagnosed with breast cancer or having already tested positive for a specific mutation need to receive testing genetic testing.

When should I have genetic testing?

For expecting mothers, it is important to understand that passing on genetic conditions is not a common experience. Most mothers experience healthy pregnancies and give birth to healthy children.
[pullquote align=”center”]Would I want to know in advance if I were going to have a baby with a genetic condition?[/pullquote]
However, it is always it a good idea to understand if you have risk factors for passing on a genetic condition to a child. Although O’Toole suggests genetic counseling to all mothers, she says there are specific clues that a mom should definitely have genetic screening.

“Being over 35, having a family member with a genetic condition, or having a history of a poor pregnancy outcomes are all reasons to consider genetic screening,” she explains.
Additionally, she believes all moms who may conceive or are currently pregnant should spend time asking themselves hard questions about what they want to know about their unborn child and how those answers will influence her choice to have genetic screening.

“Asking questions like, ‘Would I want to know in advance if I were going to have a baby with a genetic condition? Would this information change how my family and doctors prepare for the birth and newborn period? Would I consider ending the pregnancy or creating an adoption plan?’ can help you decide if you want to explore your testing options more with your doctor or genetic counselor.”
And, for women who are dealing with anxiety about their pregnancy, a genetic screening that reveals that mother is low-risk can be the reassurance she needs to enjoy her pregnancy without the overwhelming fear of the future of her baby’s health. Knowing her baby has a low-risk of inheriting a life-changing condition just might mean less time worrying and more time daydreaming about whether they’ll get mom or dad’s eyes.