Tag: parenting

Based on the most recent data available, the United States Children’s Bureau reported in 2016 that nearly 120,000 children were adopted in the U.S. in 2012. And according to the last U.S. census in 2010, almost 2.5 percent of all children in U.S. households were adopted—or about 1.5 million out of 65 million total children.
We adopt infants. We adopt adults. We adopt children from the foster care system. We adopt babies from scores of countries all around the world.
As the facts, figures, and the multifarious forms of adoption suggest, adoption—a process in which “children become full and permanent legal members of another family,” as the USCB defines it—is incredibly widespread in the U.S.

And yet some common myths about adoption still hang on. Some are naive, stemming from confusion about who is allowed to adopt or how much adoptions cost. Others are more nefarious, involving judgments we make about mothers who relinquish their children for adoption or stigmas adoptees unwillingly bear.
Let’s debunk some of these stubborn and insidious myths for a clearer picture about the process of—and, more importantly, the people involved in—adoptions.

Myth 1: Only married, heterosexual homeowners can adopt children.

A slew of misconceptions surround who is allowed to adopt in the US, with many people thinking only traditional families are eligible. As the USCB explains of domestic adoptions: “Most people are eligible to adopt, regardless of whether they are married or single, their age, income, or sexual orientation.”
What’s more, single-parent households accounted for one-third of all adoptions in 2011. Prospective adoptive parents also don’t have to own their own homes, nor does having a disability necessarily disqualify them from adoption.

The legality of same-sex adoption is a more recent phenomenon, the culmination of decades of legal battles finally recognizing the rights of same-sex couples to adopt. Yet in some ways, the battle continues. After the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage is a fundamental right protected by the constitution in 2015, a federal district court struck down a ban on same-sex adoption in Mississippi in 2016, making same-sex adoption legal in all 50 states. Ironically enough, UCLA’s Williams Institute found in 2013 that it was Mississippi which had the highest proportions of LGBTQ parenting in all of the U.S., with 26 percent of its LGBTQ couples raising biological, adopted, or stepchildren.
However, some states—most recently Alabama—have passed laws allowing faith-based adoption agencies to turn away LGBTQ couples on the basis of their religious beliefs.
For domestic adoptions in the U.S., eligibility comes down to an assessment called a home study. Basically, adoption agencies are looking for a loving household that will care for the adoptee—and yes, research shows that adoptive parents love their adopted children just like their biological ones.
International adoptions—commonly called intercountry adoptions—can come with a different set of restrictions. To adopt from China, for example, a parent has to be 30 years old, among other criteria. Many countries don’t permit adoptions by LGBTQ parents. A few countries, like Russia, currently don’t allow for adoptions to the U.S.

Megan Caporicci, a teacher in Tustin, California, had already had was originally interested in adopting from China when she adopted her daughter over 12 years ago. As she tells HealthyWay, she and her husband already had two sons and were interested in a baby girl. Their research pointed them to China—whose former one-child policy and cultural favoritism of boys indeed led to the international adoption of tens of thousands of infant girls from the country over recent decades.
“I wasn’t 30 yet. I was 28, maybe 29, and you had to be 30 to adopt [in China],” Caporicci says. “Every country has specific rules: how long you are married, whether you are married, ethnicity, how much money you make.” The Caporiccis went with South Korea instead, where they were eligible.
If you’re interested in adoption from a specific country, first heed Caporicci’s example and consult each country’s policies.

Myth 2: Adoption always costs a fortune and takes forever.

Assumptions about the expense and length of the process may deter some prospective parents from adopting. Again, we have to distinguish between domestic and intercountry adoption. We also have to distinguish between the means of adoption, i.e., through an adoption agency or through an independent adoption attorney, as well as differentiate the age of the adoptee.

Each year, the Adoptive Families magazine conducts a cost and timing survey. According to their 2016 report, the average cost of adoption from foster care—which happens when “children in out-of-home care cannot be safely reunited with their birth families,” explains the USCB—was approximately $2,800 in 2014–15. This included the home study fee, documentation, and paperwork processing costs, attorney fees, and travel expenses.
Many families, though, actually reported ultimately paying $0 for adoption from foster care and were receiving an average of about $850 in monthly subsidies from the government. By adopting from foster care, families can claim the adoption tax credit, receive health coverage through Medicaid, and even get support with college tuition in some states. Timewise, nearly 50 percent of respondents said it took zero to six months for the adoption placement to take place.
The average age of a child adopted from foster care is 7.7 years old, according to the Adoption Network Law Center. But a great many parents want to adopt a child from birth or infancy—which does become significantly more expensive. The 2016 Adoptive Families survey finds that for newborn adoption in the U.S. in 2014–15:

• Adoption through an agency cost an average of just over $41,500, with 62 percent of families matched with a child within one year of application. Nearly $17,000 of the total costs went to agency fees.
• Adoption through an attorney cost an average of just over $35, 500, with 67 percent of families matched with a child within one year. About $13,000 went to attorney fees.

Cost and timing for intercountry adoption varies. Adoptive Families provided a breakdown for three of the top countries American families adopt from in 2014–2015:

• China: average cost of about $36,000, with 75 percent of families matched within six months for its “Waiting Child” program, which supports children with special needs. Adoption of a “Traditional Child” has a considerably longer wait. About 70 percent of families adopt a child younger than five.
• Ethiopia: average cost of just over $38,500. Fifty six percent percent matched within one year, and 78 percent adopted a child younger than six.
• South Korea: average cost of about $46,000. Fifty six percent matched within one year, and 100 percent of families adopted a child younger than five.

Remember, these costs are averages, and the adoption process is complex—plus, we’re dealing with human beings here, who want nothing more than a good home.
For the Caporiccis, the “total cost was about $17,000, including travel,” Megan shares. “From application to actually finalizing, it was almost two years. But from application to baby in arms was one-and-half years.”

They also elected for adoption from South Korea not only because their age and martial status met the country’s requirements, but the total travel time was less. South Korea was closer than other places they considered, and the agency only required one trip that lasted only about four or five days. “For us, having young kids, it wasn’t easy imagining leaving them for months at time,” says Caporicci.

Myth 3: The biological mother can come back at anytime and take her baby.

While we appreciate the feelings of anxiety and uncertainty that can surround the adoption experience, a biological mother can’t simply change her mind and reclaim her child.
Before a child goes up for adoption, the birthparent has to consent to terminate all parental rights in a court of law. Only in very limited circumstances—usually in cases of fraud or duress—can a birthparent revoke that consent. After the child has been placed into a new household for a period of about six months, a judge issues an adoption decree at the end of what’s called the finalization process. The decree makes the adoptee the permanent, legal child of the adoptive parent(s). In other words, the adoptee is their child under law.

Contact between adoptive families, adoptees, and birthparents is a complex matter, involving issues of birthparent privacy and adoptees’ right to certain information, like their medical history. In closed adoptions, there is no contact between the two households, and no identifying information is shared, whereas open adoptions, which are increasingly common in the U.S., allow for various degrees of contact and identification between the birth and adoptive families.
The Caporiccis, for example, went through a closed adoption with their daughter, as is common for intercountry adoptions. She says there was some information required for each family to report to the adoption file, while other information was completely optional to share, such as birth name and family interests.
As we’d expect, views vary on the pros and cons of contact, as they do on the risks and benefits of an adoptee reuniting with their birthparent. One thing is for sure, though: It’s normal for adoptees to be curious about meeting their birthparents—and it doesn’t mean they love their adoptive parents any less. It’s also a very personal choice for whether or not an adoptee seeks out a reunion.

Thomas Kelly, now an attorney in Cleveland, was adopted after birth in 1948 from the Father Baker Home in Lackawanna, New York. He was very open about the subject of reunion. His thoughts reveal just how unique each adoptee’s experience is, and are worth quoting at length:

I am certain that at some time or another, every person who is adopted has some level of desire to find the biological parents, to see what they look like, to discover why they chose to place the child for adoption. It’s easy for … an adopted child … to fall into the trap of, “Was I not good or not good enough?” or “I must be less valuable because my parents didn’t want me.” Self-pity clouds judgment, and it’s a minor form of selfishness. But we are all prone to it. … I am forever grateful to them for their decision to choose me and their lifelong love and concern for me. I had also decided long ago that the decision made by my natural mother (most likely without the involvement of the father) to place me for adoption was also a great gift and a great sacrifice that I should honor and that I should not disturb her life, which I hope was happy and fulfilling.

Megan Caporicci says her daughter, now 12, hasn’t expressed any interest in reuniting yet. But as for talking about adoption with daughter, she says, “All families are different.”
“The message in this day and age is you talk about it from day one. It was known as long since we could talk … don’t need to put a magic cover on it.”
In addition to her birthday each year, the family celebrates her Adoption Day, marking the date when she officially joined their family.

Myth 4: Foster children are broken, and adopted children are doomed to attachment issues.

Aggressive, troubled, damaged: These are some of the toxic labels cast on foster children, perhaps due to stereotypes of such youth being “shuttled from home to home” or because of some notion that they are delinquents or runaways.

Truth is, most foster children enter into special care because of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and death. Like all of us, foster children want love, care, and stability. Being in foster care is no doubt disruptive, confusing, and challenging, so let’s dispel the myths that foster children are broken.
Casual jokes and everyday remarks, meanwhile, shame adopted children as “looking different from their family” or “being unloved by the parents.” Some of us may assume that adoptees are destined to struggle with forming trusting, meaningful relationships for all their days. The experience of adoption entails seriously grappling with identity—something we all do. But that doesn’t mean adoptees don’t go on to live happy and fulfilling lives.
Kelly writes of his experience: “I was about five or six years old when I first heard the word ‘adopted.’ Some kid had told me I was adopted; how he knew, I never discovered, but it seemed from how he had said it that it was not something to be proud of or happy about.” His parents later explained his adoption to him at home, but in a manner that has always made him feel “chosen” and “special,” he shares.
Fortunately, thanks to the “grace and dignity” his parents always brought to the topic, Kelly writes “being adopted did not come with any stigmas” or “cause me any setbacks as I grew.”

Society has become indeed more open about adoption in the intervening decades. For her part, Caporicci says that her daughter “knows it’s a button she can use”—that she’s not her birthmother. When upset, her daughter will voice complaints like “Well, you’re not my real mom!” or “I wish I had my real mom!” Caporicci doesn’t react and instead acknowledges the reality that she’s her adoptive mother who does everything she can to love and support her.
And yet, “she’s so strong that she blurts it out there,” Caporicci continues. Her daughter will announce when she starts a new school, “I’m adopted.”
“It took her longer to realize she had a birth dad—the mom and the belly is such a permanent figure.” She recounts with a laugh when her daughter declared her discovery to her father: “‘Did you know I had a birth dad, dad?'”
Caporicci is quick to add, though, on a more somber note: “I feel like it would be not fair for me to say she doesn’t struggle … I think that there’s more details that I don’t know that she struggles with … that she probably can’t even verbalize.”

Before adopting her daughter, the Caporiccis lost a son and learned they were carrying a genetic disease. “I do know a huge loss on my end. I do know she went through a loss, too.”

Myth 5: Birthparents give up their children because they don’t love them.

Which leads us to the final area of adoptions myth: What kind of a mother bears a child and then gives it up for adoption? Some have pictured such a mother as an irresponsible teen, a promiscuous woman, or a selfish person who just doesn’t love their child.
But mothers do not take the decision to relinquish their child for adoption lightly or easily, and the reasons that motivate them are often very serious and painful.
They include age, with some underage mothers and their parents wanting the child to grow up with parents who are ready, prepared, and able for childrearing. Inconsistent employment, challenges to stable housing, and single parenthood compel other mothers to relinquish their child, according to Cosmopolitan.

Some mothers choose adoption because their child has severe disabilities they are unable to properly care for. Other mothers choose adoption because their child was conceived as the result of sexual violence. And in some countries around the world, poverty or other extreme hardships lead to adoption.
The decision is ultimately driven by an intense desire for their child to have a better, happier life in the care of an adoptive family.
The adoption process has enough challenges and trials. We don’t need any myths piling on guilt, shame, or other bogus judgments.
And we don’t need any myths obscuring the joys, the opportunities, the beauties, the blessings of adoptions—how “amazing and wonderful” it can be, as Caporicci puts it.
Or as Kelly concludes: “For many years I have said that I am the most fortunate man I have ever known. And much of my good fortune is the direct result of adoption. I am grateful to the woman who bore me, the good people at Father Baker’s who cared for me, and forever grateful to [my parents] for my life.”

When kids or parents normally complain about homework, it’s mainly because of either the quantity or the difficulty. One only has so much time in the day to plow through their studies.
But people occasionally get upset about homework for different reasons. Not because it’s too time consuming, but because, in their eyes, it blows beyond the boundaries of good taste.
This is usually not the intent. Controversy is something lower education tends to avoid like the plague. Inciting it can prove perilous for the employment of any teacher, be they well meaning or not. But controversy arrises with homework more than you might think.
Sometimes a child comes home with an assignment so bizarre, incendiary, and insensitive that one it’s a wonder how it was ever assigned in the first place. Perhaps it’s too sexually provocative or racially charged, or maybe it presents moral dilemmas that children simply aren’t mature enough to fully comprehend. A teacher should try to preserve a child’s innocence as long as possible, some say, not offer a preemptive assault on their sensibilities.

We need to play devil’s advocate here, while proceeding with caution: It’s not always a negative to get an assignment that diverts from convention. Sometimes homework provokes intense feelings because a teacher is asking important questions designed to broaden their students’ horizons.
So why do some teachers give out homework that could result in being reprimanded at best and fired at worst? Let’s take a look at some of the most prominent examples of homework assignments that went very, very wrong—either because of poor taste or offending the sensibilities of overprotective parents.

Slavery Math

“Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how many would each slave pick?” Could you imagine seeing that loaded question on your child’s math homework? It was a real eye-opener for parents of third graders at Beaver Ridge Elementary School in Norcross, Georgia.
The question appeared on a 2012 cross-curricular activity that mixed basic math questions with a reading assignment about abolitionist Frederick Douglass. And it got worse. Another question read: “If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?”
 

How comfortable are you?

This outrageous questionnaire got a teacher in Hernando, Florida, fired. And it’s not hard to understand why.
It was a list entitled “How Comfortable Am I?”, and it included provocative questions that had students rate how they might react to certain social situations. Those situations largely revolved around issues of race, gender, sexuality, and those with disabilities.
In an interview with ABC news, Jennifer Block, mother to a 12-year-old student, said she was offended by the questions, including “How comfortable are you if you see a group of black men walking to you on the street?”, adding, “That’s completely inappropriate. In no world, whatsoever, is that okay to question a child on.”

Fat Shaming Children

As adults, it’s easy to forget just how sensitive children can be about their physical appearance. A 2015 study by Common Sense Media shows that one-third of boys and over half of girls as young as 6 to 8 years of age are unhappy with their body weight. And by age 7, one in four children have tried some type of dieting program.

In other words, fat shaming can have a devastating effect on kids who already have body image issues. It’s too bad that some teachers didn’t get the memo—namely, teaching staff in Bellevue, Kentucky.
Third graders were assigned an essay about the Great Depression that featured the insensitive multiple choice question “A very fat child probably…” The most egregious possible answer was “had trouble sharing a seat.”
One parent took to social media to declare how upset she was that her child was exposed to such insensitive material.
In response to her outcry, the school board apologized, stating that the essay, designed for reading comprehension, was sent home without any of the teaching staff aware of the potentially offensive material.

White Privilege

In 2016, a controversial homework assignment for students at a high school in Aloha, Oregon, drew polarizing reactions from some parents. The assignment in question was a survey which challenged students to identify if they had benefitted or been harmed by white privilege, a theory stating that white Americans benefit from a social hierarchy that discriminates against minorities.
[pullquote align=”center”]It’s a huge topic and it needs to start somewhere. If it doesn’t start now, it’s not going to start.[/pullquote]
Questions included hypothetical scenarios like, “I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well-assured that I will not be followed or harassed,” or “If a police officer pulls me over, I can I can be sure I haven’t been singled out because of my race.”

Teaching Taboos

A 2010 homework assignment assigned to middle schoolers in Greenwich, New York, raised major eyebrows from some parents.
Gary Cella became incensed after he found his 11-year-old daughter’s reading assignment contained numerous racial and sexist slurs, telling a local NBC affiliate she felt “as a parent of a seventh-grader that words that start with the letter ‘F’ and are four letters in duration and that words that start with letter ‘N’ and are six letters in duration are inappropriate.”

When Cella reached out to the school principal, he was told the assignment was intentionally provocative. It was done in conjunction with the American Library Association‘s Banned Books Week. The reason it was assigned? To make students understand (and discuss) why certain classic books are deemed offensive or taboo.
[pullquote align=”center”]It is not a question whether or not the content is offensive —of course it is—but it is the intent of why the content is being given to students …[/pullquote]
Matt C. Pinsker, JD, a professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, says teaching students about free speech is important: “I teach constitutional law, including the First Amendment’s right to free speech and the Fourteenth Amendment’s equal protection clause to combat racism. To understand the law on free speech and equal protection, I have my students read U.S. Supreme Court decisions and do practice problems, many of which arise from speech uttered by some of the worst people in this country.”
“Of course,” he adds, “what those people said is offensive, vulgar, vile, and absolutely disgusting. However, just like a doctor cannot learn medicine without seeing naked people, there is no way to learn constitutional law about free speech and equal protection without reading these important Supreme Court cases and going over real-world examples.”

In instances like these, he notes it’s about getting students prepared for life beyond the classroom. “It is not a question whether or not the content is offensive—of course it is—but it is the intent of why the content is being given to students and that it is done so in a professional manner which is reflective of the real world … .”

Pass or fail?

So, as we’ve covered, when homework causes social outrage, it falls into one of two categories: poor judgment by a teacher or something intentionally designed to push the envelope. Something ill-advised, or something intended to develop a grasp on complex societal issues that well-worn textbooks don’t cover. It’s clear, then, that the most important quality, for both teacher and parent, is the ability to discern between the two.
Seawright says there will always be instances when homework assignments touch a raw nerve, because, in the end, “Everyone comes from different backgrounds. Everybody’s interests are different. Everyone’s political and religious views are different.”

She adds that when approaching such sensitive topics, it’s possible to teach the concepts while being conscious of the age of the child and proceeding with caution.
“I’m for keeping the innocence in the classroom for the kids. I think there’s so much out there right now, and part of what some teachers are missing is that kids grow up so fast.”

In 2012, Heather Beckius developed gestational diabetes while pregnant. Like other forms of diabetes, gestational diabetes affects cells’ ability to utilize glucose properly. The condition can lead to elevated levels of blood sugar, which can impact the health of both the mother and the baby, according to the Mayo Clinic.
Since she had this condition, the doctor performed a nonstress test—a simple procedure completed during pregnancy to evaluate the baby’s health. During the test, the fetal heart rate kept dropping. The doctor followed up the nonstress test with an ultrasound, which showed a sizable spot on the unborn baby’s brain.
The spot would later be identified as a brain bleed or a stroke. Although Beckius was going through a very challenging situation, she says, “All of the doctors were very supportive. They tried to prepare me for the very worst—my baby not surviving—and, at the same time, they told me that the brains in babies have a great tendency to rewire themselves.”

Thankfully, Beckius’s story has a happy ending—she gave birth to a “miracle” baby boy. But the circumstances surrounding her pregnancy underscore the importance of the accessibility of maternal healthcare, from prenatal to postnatal, so that all mothers can receive the quality of care they require and reduce the risk of pregnancy-related complications.

What is maternal health?

The World Health Organization defines maternal health as “the health of a woman during pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period.”

For many women, pregnancy and childbirth are a joyous and anticipatory experience. For others, however, this period can be marked with adversity, mental or physical health issues, and worst case scenarios—even in the United States. In fact, WHO reports:

• From 1990 through 2013, the maternal mortality rate in the U.S. increased from approximately 12 to 28 per 100,000 births.
• Currently, the United States has a maternal mortality rate higher than other high-income countries and countries like Iran, Libya, and Turkey.
• Nearly half of all maternal fatalities in the U.S. are avoidable.
• Approximately 1,200 women in the U.S. experience fatal complications during pregnancy or childbirth each year.
• Each year, almost 60,000 women endure complications that are near-fatal.
• Data from 2012 showed the upward trajectory of maternal complications and the mortality rate continued—even though the U.S. spent more than $60 billion on maternity care.

With that said, modern developments in maternal healthcare give women a much brighter outlook than they had in years past. Figures collected by Our World in Data show that the U.S.’ maternal mortality rate didn’t fall below 400-in-100,000 until 1940.

How was maternal medicine practiced back when?

Mary Jane Minkin, MD, a clinical professor in the Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Reproductive Sciences at Yale and a private practice physician in New Haven, Connecticut, began medical school at the Yale School of Medicine in 1971. She delivered her first baby during her obstetrics rotation in 1973. With more than four decades of experience with women throughout pregnancy and childbirth, Minkin has seen some changes in maternal healthcare.
Minkin says the first significant advancements for obstetrics, gynecology, and maternal health occurred in the early 1970s. One of the primary areas of progress Minkin mentions is in early pregnancy detection. “When I started medical school, we literally had to wait for the rabbit to die to see if someone was pregnant,” she recalls.

The phrase “the rabbit died” was created between the 1920s and ’30s. To see if a woman was pregnant, physicians would inject urine from their patient into a rabbit. If the urine contained the pregnancy hormone hCG, it would cause the rabbit to ovulate and verify if a woman was pregnant.
Unfortunately, this method came at a tremendous cost to the rabbits—their lives! The rabbit’s ovaries couldn’t be seen without an autopsy or surgery to remove the ovaries; the latter was typically deemed a waste of effort. Eventually, this practice was replaced with home test kits like First Response, which allows a woman to tell if she’s pregnant six days before her missed period.

Another area Minkin cites as one of concern during her early years at Yale was with fetal well-being and the lack of imaging to assess fetal health. These pressing matters helped form the “backdrop for maternal and child health changes,” she says.
Through the decades, the technological developments have led to the invention of fetal monitoring, which allows for the fetal heart rate to be monitored during labor and delivery to determine the condition of the baby.

Additionally, breakthroughs in ultrasound technology have given clinicians the ability to view the placenta in all locations and positions, diagnose fetal abnormalities more quickly, and provide expectant parents a real-time, color image of the fetus in 3D/4D. Furthermore, advances in amniocentesis created a minimally-invasive procedure for doctors to test for chromosomal abnormalities, fetal lung health, and infections.

A magical moment caught on camera during a 4D ultrasound. A tiny fetus waves to his mommy and daddy. pic.twitter.com/5HYLBqfLzr

— KHOU 11 News Houston (@KHOU) January 12, 2018

These are a few of the ways in which maternal healthcare was practiced in the last four decades and how it has made strides.

What are some ways healthcare providers are working to improve a woman’s experience with pregnancy and beyond?

There’s a growing trend to provide expectant mothers with a comprehensive birthing experience. Vice Chief Medical Officer Michael Moxley, MD, and Department Chair of OB-GYN Miguel Fernandez, MD, are professors at Georgetown University School of Medicine and physicians at Virginia Hospital Center. One way medicine is working to improve maternal health is through a multidisciplinary approach to care.
“We have sought to become more collaborative with our colleagues. Traditionally, medicine has been siloed, with each group acting independently,” Moxley and Fernandez say. “Now, at VHC, we work in teams that include not only doctors and nurses, but administration and, most importantly, patients.”

Besides a more collaborative approach to maternal health, Moxley and Fernandez say medicine is taking cues from the field of aviation to reduce errors. Medical flight simulations, so to speak.
“In the last 10 years, we have started regularly practicing to react for emergencies that rarely happen so that we are better prepared and have better outcomes when the time comes,” they stated.
Furthermore, Moxley and Fernandez aim to cut down on unnecessary C-sections, which increase the maternal risk of having complications during childbirth.

“The statistics indicate after the first C-section, repeat births will be done via C-section 90 percent of the time. Since the risk of complications increases with C-sections, we want to make sure that the C-section is medically needed,” they say. “We follow the guidelines that were created in 2014 by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists—the guideline that made the biggest change was allowing more time for the labor to progress.”

Regarding how healthcare providers are working to enhance a woman’s maternal experience, Minkin furthers the conversation by stating, “The most important advances in maternal and child health actually pertain to getting ready for pregnancy. We know that smoking [and substance use] … are very toxic to the fetus. So we encourage all of our patients to stop taking drugs, stop drinking … , and stop smoking before pregnancy, or limit these as best as possible.”

Additionally, Minkin acknowledges that women with chronic medical conditions—either mental or physical—have better outcomes when they have the opportunity to carefully plan their pregnancies. To illustrate an example, she says, “If a woman has high blood pressure, she should meet with her primary care provider to make sure she has her blood pressure well-controlled and is not taking certain drugs that are bad for babies.”

“Also, we know that if a woman is diabetic, her baby will do much better if mom’s blood sugars are in excellent control before she gets pregnant. A pre-pregnancy meeting with an obstetrician is ideal before a woman conceives to maximize her healthy outcomes.”

Finally, Minkin emphasizes the importance of addressing a woman’s mental health needs throughout her pregnancy. “These days, all women are screened during pregnancy for depression and hooked up with a mental healthcare provider before delivery to minimize the chances of postpartum depression,” she says. “We do know that certain antidepressants are safe to use during pregnancy, and some of these may be prescribed if the woman is suffering from depression.”

Advice and Tips

Although maternal healthcare in the U.S. still has obstacles to overcome, particularly in its accessibility to all women, these are a few tips women can follow to prepare for a safe childbirth and develop a strong patient-doctor relationship:

• Look for a physician who will seek to meet your needs. If you’re unhappy with your current doctor, don’t be afraid to try another one—either within the same practice or a different one. Wherever you go, it’s important you feel heard and valued as a patient.
• If you have pre-existing health conditions, work with your doctor to get those under control before, during, and after pregnancy.
• Your doctor may offer you lifestyle, supplement (like prenatal vitamins), or exercise recommendations. Try to be as compliant as possible with these recommendations.
• If you’re considering a midwife or doula, our experts suggest using a hospital that has midwives or doulas as a part of their birthing team. Or find a doctor who is willing to work with them to give you and your baby the best care possible.
• “One thing that I strongly recommend is that women don’t take advice from a celebrity about medical health just because she is a celebrity,” Minkin says. “You hear all sorts of crazy things put out by folks who really don’t know any medicine!” Instead, focus on creating a reliable social network, so when you have the baby, you have the support you need.

Throughout their terms, pregnant women get overwhelmed with information. They hear advice from their doctors, of course, but also family members, friends—even people on the street will stop a pregnant woman to give them their two cents. It’s the most natural thing in the world, they say. You’re eating for two, they exclaim. So, how can mothers-to-be separate fact from fiction?
It isn’t easy. Pregnancy does have plenty of strange side effects. Did you know, for instance, that being pregnant can cause your gums to bleed? It can. Pregnancy hormones cause increased blood flow, which in turn increases your susceptibility to gingivitis. The American Pregnancy Association recommends diligent oral care during women’s terms.

And have you heard that pregnancy actually does make your feet grow? A study in the American Journal of Physical Medicine & Rehabilitation showed that pregnancy tends to flatten the arches of your feet, making them wider and longer, according to Medical News Today‘s review of the study. Sadly, this doesn’t go away once the baby is born: The arch is often permanently flattened. Pregnant women should wear low-heeled, soft shoes with proper arch supports to combat these changes, wrote John M. Sigle, a doctor of podiatric medicine, for Herald & Review.
So when pregnancy has so many strange and true side effects, it’s easy to see why a pregnancy rookie would accept anything their mother, or a random passerby, tells them. But there is plenty of misinformation out there. You’ll hear it from well-meaning, misinformed peers; you’ll see it in advertisements and on movie screens.
If you’re expecting, or if you’re just curious about the life of a mother-to-be, here are some pregnancy myths to pay no mind.

Myth: Spicy food—or any food—induces labor.

Though an overdue woman would love to pop a jalapeño and go into labor, it just doesn’t work that way. Eliza Ross, MD, OB-GYN, of the Cleveland Clinic said that there’s no evidence that spicy food causes labor. “It might give you heartburn,” she wrote, “but it won’t bring baby into the world any sooner.”
Still, some restaurants have gotten famous based on their supposedly labor-inducing foods—even if they aren’t spicy. In a 2007 article, fact-checking site Snopes provided six examples of eateries that, willingly or not, earned reputations for pushing babies along. Some served hot wings, others served Italian food.

In 2017, Scalini’s, an Atlanta-based Italian restaurant mentioned in the Snopes piece, claimed that their eggplant parmesan has “helped more than 1,000 women go into labor,” according to Today. Women who go into labor 48 hours after leaving the establishment get a Scalini’s gift card and a space on the wall for their baby’s photo.
But since Scalini’s, and restaurants like it, attract overdue women, the correlation is likely due to coincidence, not causation. “If you were to chart the results of a group of [overdue] women,” reads the Snopes piece, “you’d find that a great many of them would give birth to their children within a day or so no matter what they ate or did, with almost all of the rest delivering no more than two or three days after that.”
That said, it seems Robert Bogino, the owner of Scalini’s, understands that it’s all in fun. “Of course,” he told Today, “you have to believe a little bit, too.”

Myth: It’s the most natural thing in the world.

In regards to pregnancy and breastfeeding, mothers will often hear a familiar refrain: “It’s the most natural thing in the world.”
It makes sense, too. Biologically, pregnancy—during and after—is about as natural as it gets. But it turns out that the experience is anything but.
Maryann Davidson, a mother of three, says that though pregnancy may technically be a “natural” process, it feels entirely foreign for the mother-to-be.

“I certainly wasn’t accustomed to feeling nauseous at all times of the day and night; having my moods swing wildly without warning; putting on weight which wasn’t caused by excessive overeating; having a wriggling, jumping, growing baby inside me which was part of me yet already completely independent.”
Then there’s birth itself. Many women get epidurals, are hooked up to IVs, or need to have emergency cesarean sections. There’s nothing wrong with any of that—in fact, the global maternal mortality rate has declined significantly in modern times—but it’s not what most people would call “natural.”

Even if a mom chooses to have a natural birth (a birth without any medication or surgery), the feeling will still be completely foreign. Sure, she can read about how it will feel or ask other mothers to share their experience, but nothing can prepare her for the moment itself.
Though the process of pregnancy is completely natural, it’s one of the most unnatural, crazy experiences an individual will ever go through.

Myth: Morning sickness stops after the first trimester.

Morning sickness is very common. Most women experience it as some point early in their pregnancies, but they’re often told that it stops after the first trimester.
“Is it? Is it?” asks Davidson. “Well, my body must not have read that particular instruction, as I continued to suffer from this particular affliction well into the second trimester.”

She’s not alone. Though most women see their morning sickness symptoms subside after 12 weeks, the American Pregnancy Association says that up to 20 percent of women experience it throughout their pregnancy—this severe form of the illness is called hyperemesis gravidarum, which can require hospitalization.
To combat average, first-trimester morning sickness, pregnant women can eat frequent, small meals and sip on fluids throughout the day, according to the American Pregnancy Association. Even hyperemesis gravidarum is treatable—the Hyperemesis Education and Research Foundation lists medication and nutritional treatment as effective options—and usually doesn’t cause much of a risk to the baby. But it’s surely unpleasant for the mom.

Myth: You can’t eat seafood.

Most women think that all seafood is completely off limits during their pregnancy, but according to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, you can enjoy specific sea treats even when you’re with child.
The warning does have some truth to it. The FDA urges women to avoid fish with high mercury contents—bigeye tuna, shark, marlin, and king mackerel, for instance. They recommend against sushi, too, because of uncooked fish’s higher chance of carrying parasites.

Myth: You’re eating for two!

Want an extra slice of pizza or four? Well, eat up, say purveyors of this myth, because you’ve got to get in all those extra calories to help the baby grow.
Sadly, this isn’t entirely true. OB-GYN nurse practitioner Emily Silver recommends that women only need around 300 extra calories a day to support their pregnancy. “To put it in perspective, that’s about equivalent to a bowl of cereal,” says Silver. (According to MyFitnessPal, a bowl of Cheerios with whole milk is 203 calories, so let’s say you have a second helping.)

She’s not far off from The Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics‘ recommendation, which says women in their second trimester should eat 340 extra calories, and women in their third trimester should eat about 450 extra calories. More, sure, but not double.
Though it’s totally okay to want to pig out when you’re pregnant (pregnancy cravings are not a myth), you don’t actually need another human’s worth to keep your baby safe. What’s most important is what you eat: Pregnant women should eat fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and healthy protein, and drink low-fat, calcium and vitamin D rich liquids, recommends the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases. So if you think that pint of ice cream will help the baby, you might want to think again.

Myth: You’ll know when you’re going into labor.

Shauna Armitage has three kids and a special hatred for this myth. Over and over again, she heard people tell new moms to “listen to your body” or “you’ll know what to do” when it came to labor…but Armitage found the opposite to be true.
Armitage says that everything hurts, especially late in pregnancy, and it’s hard to discern your pain’s meaning. Is that pain the beginning of labor, or is it just some random pain from having a growing baby inside of you? You almost never know.

Labor comes in two stages: early and active. According to health care organization Kaiser Permanente, you shouldn’t go to the hospital until you’re in active labor.
Early labor has inconsistent contractions, and they’re typically less painful. Also, early labor can last for days! So if you go to the hospital too early, you could be asked to go home and wait it out.
Active labor doesn’t start until your contractions are three to four minutes apart and last for about a minute a piece. That’s when they go from moderately painful to insanely painful.

Still, as a pregnancy rookie, it can be hard to judge how painful your contractions are. Often, moms confuse their ordinary “a child is growing in my belly” pain for contraction pain, which makes labor even more confounding.
In the end, it’s all confusing, and Armitage insists that you almost never “just know” when it’s time to have the baby.

Of course, if you’re experiencing extreme pain—and if it’s extreme to you, it is extreme—contact your doctor. Even if it turns out to be nothing, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Myth: Birth involves lots of screaming.

If you’ve seen any movie with a birth scene, you’ve probably heard the mom-to-be comically screaming as she pushes the baby out. Think Knocked Up or The Back-up Plan. But according to birth doula Darby Morris, screaming is actually discouraged during the birth itself.

“My oldest tends to be my favorite most often,” one mom of three—let’s call her Samantha—tells HealthyWay. “She is at a stage that is less challenging for me currently, and she is most like me, so I understand her the best.”
Before you jump to conclusions and find yourself wondering what kind of mom favors one child over another, you need to know two things.
First, Samantha is quick to point out that her favorite child changes from time to time.
“Relationships with our children are like relationships with any other person in that we connect to them differently,” she explains. “I love them all equally, but I certainly may like them differently depending on the day.”
The second thing you need to know is that Samantha isn’t all that different from other parents. The only thing that truly sets her apart is that she is honest about favoring one child over the other, while many parents deny this to be true. The truth is, research actually shows that favoring a child isn’t all that uncommon. And, like Samantha, most parents will favor their oldest child. Birth order does influence how parents feel about their children, according to a study published in The Journal of Family Psychology.

In the study, which was published in 2005, 384 families were surveyed. Each of these families had a pair of children that were no more than four years apart in age. And although the parents did admit to having a favorite child, they didn’t admit to which child it was. Instead, the children themselves were surveyed on how they perceived preferential treatment from their parents and how it impacted their self-esteem.

And the Winner Is…

In the study, both oldest and youngest child argued that their sibling received preferential treatment. Of course, if any of us think back to our own childhood, we might say that our parents liked our sibling better, too. It goes to show that, no matter the birth order, children are going to believe they are being slighted by their parent.

This wasn’t the only thing we discovered from their survey results. Much more telling were the revelations about how preferential treatment influenced feelings of self-worth. Specifically, it was the oldest child who was impacted the least by preferential treatment. Meanwhile, younger kids were much more likely to have their self-esteem suffer, suggesting that the parents did, in fact, favor the older child.
Additionally, in a second visit with these families, conflicts and problems were presented to the family. In recording the family as they attempted to resolving these conflicts, researchers noted that preferential treatment seemed to fall on the oldest child most often.

What about families that don’t fit in the neat mold of having two children? Well, middle children are the least likely to be favored, according to The New York Times.

Why Parents Play Favorites

As explained above, parents are definitely most likely to favor their older children. Of course, there are always exceptions to rules, and birth order isn’t the only factor that influences how parents feel about their children. The truth is, behavior does impact how parents treat their kids.

It’s hard not to prefer the kids who make parenting easier, according to Kryss Shane, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in adolescent and child counseling. She explains further that if parents are busy, the child who is more likely to sit quietly during work calls or stressful times may gain a spot of favoritism as well.
For one mom of two, birth order doesn’t seem to matter at all. She admits to struggling with feelings of preference towards her youngest child on a regular basis.
“I have a favorite child,” she admits. “It’s the one who thinks linearly, isn’t lost in his head, and is affectionate. It’s easy to spend time with him and I understand him.”

She continues on to explain that her other child, her oldest, is much different. She doesn’t understand the way she thinks, often feels overwhelmed and unnerved by her chatty and hyperactive nature, and frustrated by her misbehavior.
In other cases, similarities that exist between parent and child my explain why a parent may show preference. Bonding over music or hobbies may provide a stronger connection, says Shane. And if the child is exceptional in a way that is prioritized by the parent, such as getting good grades or performing well in sports, parents may favor kids because of the pride they feel for that child or the bragging rights they provide.

Interestingly enough, although many parents may say differently, the child who receives the status of favorite child probably remains the same, no matter how their behavior or performance changes, according Oksana Hagerty, PhD, an educational and developmental psychologist who serves as a learning specialist at Beacon College.
“No matter what has happened, most of the time, the status of the kid as a favorite or a non-favorite remains the same throughout the life of the kids or the parent,” she says.

When Favoritism is Harmless

Not all feelings of favoritism are reason for concern, according to Shane. In fact, she believes these preferences are fairly typical, and research backs that up. The truth is, 70 percent of mothers report feelings of preference towards one child, and 74 percent of fathers say the same.

“It’s generally assumed that having a favorite child is wrong because it puts children against each other and means that at least one child has to then be the least favorite child,” Hagerty says. “However, this is super common, it’s something that can change frequently, and it is no reason for parents to feel guilty.”
Additionally, feelings are simply feelings. And for mothers like Samantha, keeping favoritism harmless might be as simple as working hard to behave fairly towards your children, no matter how you feel.

“It doesn’t affect the family dynamic,” says Samantha. “Time and time again, I have made it explicitly clear that I love each of them with a love so deep they could never understand it, and no matter what they do I would never stop loving them.”

When Favoritism is Harmful

That being said, there is no question that favoritism can be harmful to the family dynamic. According to Hagerty, it is pretty typical for favoritism to affect sibling relationships.

“Very rarely does the child who is not a favorite perceive this situation as normal,” she says. “Most of the time, unfortunately, playing favorites causes rivalry between children and really affects their relationship in the future.”
According to Shane, self-aware parents should be able to see when their affection towards their children becomes a problem. Favoritism is harmful if it leads you to have more relaxed rules for one child or if you spend far more time with a specific child.

Additionally, parents should be open to criticism from friends, co-parents, and even their children on this topic. In some cases, children will speak up, pointing out that their parents are showing preference toward one kid time and time again. This is a pretty good indication that there is a problem with the family dynamic.

Here’s What to Do if Favoritism is Harming the Family Dynamic

We all make mistakes, and showing our feelings of preference toward one child is a one that many parents may find themselves making. So what should be done in this situation? Shane recommends attacking the problem head on.

“If a parent recognizes they’ve slighted another child or other children, it may be time to reexamine rules in the home,” she says. “To try to refrain from having one long-term favorite, parents can work to engage with each child one-on-one so each gets alone time with their parent. Parents can also work to rotate activities during family time so every child gets to do their favorite thing periodically.”

Shane also recommends professional guidance, like counseling, if favoritism is becoming a problem in your home. A counselor can help parents examine the dynamics of the home, making certain they’re not responsible for creating a conflict and tension between siblings. Additionally, a therapist can help determine if favoritism is damaging the self-esteem of non-favorite children in the home and offer direction on what should be done next.

In the case that behavior motivates preferential treatment, it’s a good idea to address that specific aspect of the relationship. Shane suggests beginning by planning some one-on-one time with that child doing something they prefer and listening to whatever they have to say.
“You may find that they have a lot to say but don’t compete with siblings,” she says. “Or that something is going on that may be causing their tricky behaviors at home. If any one child is becoming increasingly difficult or creating problems at school and at home, it may be time to consider seeking professional help and guidance.”