Tag: parenting

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are parents to two children—a 10-month-old son, Dimitri Portwood, and a 3-year-old daughter, Wyatt Isabelle—and with Christmas around the corner, you’d think this famous family is preparing to celebrate big. But they’re not—in fact, they’re choosing to not give a single thing to their children.

“We’re instituting [no presents] this year because when the kids are [younger than] 1, it doesn’t really matter,” Kunis told People. “Last year when we celebrated Christmas, Wyatt was 2, and it was too much. We didn’t give her anything—it was the grandparents. The kid no longer appreciates the one gift. They don’t even know what they’re expecting; they’re just expecting stuff.”

“We’ve told our parents, ‘We’re begging you—if you have to give her something, pick one gift. Otherwise, we’d like to take a charitable donation, to the Children’s Hospital or … whatever you want,’” she added.

Now, before you call Kunis and Kutcher the Scrooge Parents of the Year, let’s give them some credit. Asking if we should buy our babies Christmas presents is an absolutely valid question.

This year, my fourth baby will celebrate his first Christmas, and Kunis and Kutcher have sure made me feel more confident in skipping gifts for my little one.

For starters, we just bought all the essentials in time for his September birthday. He has cute clothes, cozy blankets, a soothing swing—you name it, he probably has it. There is truly nothing he needs. Plus, coming on the heels of two older brothers, we’ve got toys ready and waiting that he will love in the coming years. This baby of mine has snuggles on his Christmas list, and that’s something I can easily deliver.

Christmas Camps / To Gift or not to Gift

With a question like “should we buy our babies Christmas presents?” there is bound to be two camps, and my-oh-my, there are!

First, we have the parents (and grandparents, and other family/friends, too) who are adamant about the gifting tradition of Christmas. In their minds, this holiday is about the joy of giving. It’s about finding something the recipient will love and appreciate. It’s about living in the moment and embracing the present towers and wrapping paper piles of Christmas morning.

Second are the folks like Kunis and Kutcher who want to scale things back. No gifts, or maybe one or two reasonable things. They want to give during the Christmas season, but not to their babies, because they won’t notice or care.

Laura, a mom of two, isn’t necessarily a gifts-gone-crazy kind of mom, but she does love that Christmas gives her the excuse to buy for her children. When they were babies, she shares, “I used it as an excuse to buy all the new board books I wanted to add to our collection!” And really, who can fault her? Books are a wonderful gift idea for children regardless of their age.

Bianca, a mom of three, isn’t skipping Christmas for her kids. Instead, she is choosing to be find balance with the gifts she and her husband give. “Grandparents will most likely fill any void of toys during Christmas,” she says, “My focus has been on starting traditions and heirloom presents, such as a wooden Christmas ornament and making their stocking.”

Like Bianca, I’ve seen that to be very true. Grandparents and aunts and uncles (especially the single ones who don’t have children of their own) tend to shower my children with gifts. Thankfully, they’ve honored my request to tame a bit of the gift-giving and opt for educational, imaginary, and experience-based gifts. Those are the ones that bring joy and thankfulness all year long.

Not for the Not-Naughty Tots

On the flip side of filling the Christmas tree boughs with wrapped gifts is Sophia, a mom of five. She’s been practicing minimalism alongside her husband and children for the last three years.

“In life, I think we can all agree that we never know what the next season will bring,” she shares. “Our income can change without a moment’s notice, and expenses come and go. Not having the burden of a few thousand dollars ‘needed’ at Christmas each year brings such peace to the parent.”

“Knowing that with a simple $20 gift, our kids can have an opportunity to feel gratitude and joy is such a restful thing to carry in the mind and takes off so much
pressure that society tells us to carry.”

Sophia is far from a Scrooge. She’s not depriving her children or making her baby miss out on something essential. Over the years, she has mothered measuredly, and her perspective has positively impacted her family.

“We know that our joy and value doesn’t come from what we own. Our children don’t feel most loved when we hand them a toy, we believe they feel most loved and seen when we get on the floor with them and join them … by playing or reading or even just sitting together in close contact,” she shares. It’s a decision to gift time and relationship—things that are truly cherished—over material possessions that only bring short-lived smiles.

Kaywanda Lamb, a single parenting educator and blogger at KaywandaLamb.com, cuts right to the chase: “No, you should not buy infants gifts,” she states. “They are not aware nor are they amused … It is a waste, and that money can go toward their college fund, expenses, etcetera. Be wise instead of showing off. Invest in their future and your own peace of mind.”

Keeping Christmas Jolly

So, why do parents sway one way or the other? Is there a happy medium? Elena Mikalsen, PhD, a pediatric psychologist, says, “Parents either struggle with nostalgia and want to give the children the same exact Christmas they had as kids, or [they] have bad memories of their childhood Christmas and want to give their children the absolute opposite of the Christmas they had.”

But don’t let these traditions hold you back from making new traditions with your spouse and your children.

Knowing that can give us all pause for reflection. Rather than asking if we should buy our babies Christmas presents, perhaps we should ask why we buy our babies presents. Mikalsen encourages parents to “create Christmas for their own current family and not to let it be influenced as much by their childhood Christmases.”

“By all means, keep your family traditions. Those may be wonderful and special. But don’t let these traditions hold you back from making new traditions with your spouse and your children.”

So much of Christmas is focused on the here and now. What does my baby need? What do the big siblings want? How can I make this season extra magical? Mikalsen, through her expertise in understanding children, wants parents to evaluate what the cost is when Christmas becomes extravagant.

“According to Psychology Today,” she says, “studies have shown that children who have fewer material possessions, but positive relationships with parents and peers, demonstrate higher self-esteem, less behavioral problems and can cope with problems better.”

Teach your children that giving meaningful gifts is more important than expensive gifts

“A good way to reinforce this concept is to shop for presents for others and to donate clothes and toys to Goodwill, Salvation Army and any other charity in your local area which is collecting new or used toys or items,” she says. “Studies have found that people value gifts they buy for others more than gifts they receive and feel happier giving than receiving gifts.”

So, if you feel compelled to buy during the holidays, follow Mikalsen’s advice, and Kunis and Kutcher’s lead, and find a charity you connect with. Support it with your dollars rather than needlessly filling your baby’s nursery.

Looking beyond infancy, Mikalsen believes parents should “teach kids gratitude by expressing appreciation for the things you have as a family rather than talking about things you don’t have. Teach your children that giving meaningful gifts is more important than expensive gifts.”

Sophia, the minimalist mom, puts this in action during the Christmas season. “Since [my children] have never been given a large number of gifts,” she says, “they don’t expect to receive them. They are overjoyed with their gift each time and immediately throw their arms around our necks and thank us for the gift. We don’t have to remind them to be thankful for it, because we spend all year long fostering a heart of gratitude.”

We are grateful for what we have. And that’s enough.

No matter the gifting tradition you have established in the past or the changes you hope to make this year, clearly communicate your plan with your children, family, and friends. And more than anything, find ways to embrace the non-material parts of the holidays. Those are the lasting memories I think we all want our children to grow up cherishing.

If you’re nervous about making a change, take Sophia’s advice. After all, she is practicing this philosophy successfully with five kids!

“It’s really never too late to implement [this] kind of mindset for … children. Kids are so adaptable and resilient,” she says.

“They’ll see the change of our hearts, and they’ll be impacted by it throughout the year as they grow in their gratitude. Most times, the adults are the ones putting expectations on how much our children ‘need’ at Christmas. I think we would be pleasantly surprised if we changed our focus at Christmas time from inward to outward. We are grateful for what we have. And that’s enough.”

We’re not here to spoil the magic of Christmas.

We don’t want to end up on the “naughty” list, and we’re not here to take down the big man in the sleigh. Still, we’re going to attempt to answer one of the most difficult questions that parents encounter during the holiday season: When is it okay to tell your kids that Santa isn’t real? Is it healthy to encourage them to believe in Santa in the first place? And if so, what purpose does it serve?

According to a 2015 HuffPost survey, about 71 percent of parents with kids aged 10 or under say that at least one of their children believes in Santa Claus. Most parents would agree that this is totally normal; Santa is, after all, a big part of the Christmas experience for young kids.
But at a certain point, that belief starts to fade. Kids typically learn the savage reality by talking to their friends or older siblings, and for some children, the truth is hard to take.
We spoke with several psychologists and social workers, and we found out that many parents have misconceptions when it comes to Santa. For starters…

The “Santa hoax” isn’t exactly harmful. It might even be healthy.

“Parents should never lie to their children about anything,” says Frances Walfish, Psy.D., a Beverly Hills psychotherapist who specializes in working with children and families. “However, when it comes to myths like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, many parents want to carry on the tradition by nurturing a gentle belief.”

The term “myth” is pretty key to this discussion. Cultivating a belief in Santa Claus isn’t lying, per se; while parents are willfully misleading their children, they’re certainly not doing it maliciously. That should help to relieve some of the guilt you might be feeling.

I believe in giving little children all the harmless pleasure they can have. Let them believe in fairy tales and myths.

There are, of course, a few caveats. Some research suggests that rewards for good behavior may actually reduce a child’s motivation to do the right thing, so parents probably shouldn’t frame Santa’s presents as rewards. Likewise, parents shouldn’t use Santa to steer kids away from bad behavior; while the “lump of coal” threat may seem effective in the short term, it can cause anxiety, according to Walfish.
It’s also important to remember that many younger children won’t appreciate a trip to see Santa Claus, as any parent who’s dragged a screaming child away from a friendly mall Santa can attest.
“The reason [for this fear] is the costume, mask, makeup, false beard, rosy cheeks, and deep voice used by Santa,” says Walfish. “Toddlers have not yet mastered the concept of object constancy.”

Object constancy is the developmental skill that lets us understand that when a person leaves the room, they still exist. For toddlers, exercising this skill becomes more difficult when costumes are involved.
“It’s hard for a young child to imagine that a human man can remain a human person while wearing a costume,” Walfish explains. “In other words, the toddler sees Santa in his costume and believes Santa is a walking and talking alien.”
That sounds fairly terrifying. Still, most kids won’t be too traumatized, and the myth can be positive; it may encourage critical thinking skills, since kids eventually work through the logical leaps in the Santa myth and realize that something isn’t right.
If nothing else, the myth provides for some fun memories. With that said, all good things come to an end. Fortunately for parents…

Most kids will learn the truth on their own.

Kids generally learn about Santa from their friends, siblings, or parents. About half of parents won’t get a chance to have “the Santa talk” with their children—someone else will have beaten them to it.

“The secret and magic of Santa typically has its own ‘shelf-life,’ as kids interact with each other and share what they’ve learned or deemed to be big news,” says Kriss Shane, a licensed master social worker. “This may mean that your child finds out the secret from someone on a playground.”
That’s a pretty common experience, and it can be fairly traumatic. When kids find out about the Santa myth, they may feel betrayed or ridiculed—and if they’re in middle school, they may experience teasing or bullying. Of course, parents can step in and provide some assurance.
“You can mitigate the situation by explaining the meaning and feeling of the season,” says Shane.

She suggests shifting the focus away from the myth: “You can say that you wanted to wait to tell them because they have younger friends who might not be ready to hear, and you didn’t want to make them keep this secret from a friend.
“The goal is to bring the child into this secret rather than to make them feel silly for believing the myth.”

When a child starts wondering about Santa, that’s when experts recommend breaking the news.

There’s not necessarily a “right age” to tell kids about Santa. Our experts recommend staying attenuated to the child; as kids develop critical thinking skills, they usually start to unravel the Santa Claus mystery on their own.
“By age 7 or 8, most children wonder out loud and ask if Santa is real,” Walfish says. “It’s up to the parent at that point to respond honestly and openly.”

Walfish recommends explaining why adults want children to believe in Santa in order to make the experience less traumatic.
“[Say something like], ‘When I was a child, my parents thought it was a fun part of Christmas to teach us about the myth of Santa Claus,'” Walfish suggests. “‘I loved it so much that I decided to share those teachings with my children. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to carry on this family tradition or do Christmas in your own special way.'”

Little children find out soon enough that things are not as they are represented to be, without having it drummed into them from early childhood.

Kryss says that parents don’t need to worry about exposing the myth until it creates actual real-life problems.
“The only time to be concerned is if the child is letting their belief in magic interfere with their daily life,” she says. “For example, if your child behaves better because they want Santa to bring them toys (which you already know they’ll receive), there’s nothing wrong with this.”

However, Kryss notes that “If your child sobs when making a mistake because they fear disappointing Santa, it is time to help them understand that Santa is an idea and a feeling, not someone judging them.”
Kids might also associate Santa with unattainable gifts (for example, a pony), which can create anxiety; when the gifts don’t arrive, kids might believe that they did something wrong. If these sorts of issues begin to affect the holiday, it’s likely time to sit down with your child and have the talk.

When breaking the news, try to frame the myth positively.

Don’t start by saying, “We lied,” and don’t start with an apology. By breaking the news gently, you can give this difficult childhood experience a more positive spin.

“If you decide to share the secret, it’s important not to let your child see this as a lie, or even a fib,” Kryss says. “Instead, explain that the magic of the season is based on bringing joy to others. Santa isn’t a lie, he’s simply an example of the holiday spirit.”

Bring the child into this secret rather than to make them feel silly for believing the myth.

“Suggest ‘playing Santa’ together,” Kryss says. “Find strangers to gift gifts, or bake cookies for a neighbor. Help your child write kind letters to family members. Many local religious and community organizations host holiday celebrations that are open to the public, which may also help the child to understand the bigger picture. The goal is to share the concept … that the magic of the holiday season is real.”

At the end of the day, the Santa Claus myth is fairly harmless.

Of course, every child is different, but kids can be perceptive, and they’ll typically resolve the Santa question on their own without much trouble. Pay attention to your parental instincts, and don’t get too concerned if you haven’t noticed any troubling behavior.
If you’re still worried that telling your child about Santa Claus will cause permanent trauma, we’ll leave you with the wise words of a 13-year-old girl. She was part of the first known psychological study of the Santa Claus myth, which was performed in 1896, and she sums up the opinions of our experts pretty wonderfully.

“Indeed, I do think that young children should be taught to believe in Santa Claus,” the anonymous girl wrote in response to a question posed by researchers.
“In the first place, it is a pretty myth and will give them pleasure and will never do them any harm, unless it is used to frighten them into being good, and even then I think it won’t hurt them to amount to anything.”
“I believe in giving little children all the harmless pleasure they can have,” she continued. “Let them believe in fairy tales and myths, it won’t do them any harm, and little children find out soon enough that things are not as they are represented to be, without having it drummed into them from early childhood.”

It is a pretty myth.

People have been discussing the Santa myth for well over a century, and for the most part, the answer has remained the same: Don’t worry too much, keep Santa fun, and above all else, enjoy the spirit of the season.

In 2012, actor Alicia Silverstone made headlines when she released a video of herself feeding her infant son. The video revealed that she likes to chew her son’s food up before feeding it to him, much like a bird would feed its hatchlings.

It goes without saying that people were shocked. But for Silverstone, there was nothing strange about it. She claimed that it was a “weaning process” and that she certainly wasn’t the first parent to do so.
The public’s outraged response might suggest that her mealtime ritual isn’t quite the time-honored tradition she claims it is. But it does raise an important question: Is the shocked reaction to such techniques really warranted?
Much like unconventional baby names, there’s been an undeniable rise in the popularity of alternative parenting methods in recent years. And when it comes to other people’s parenting choices, it can often feel like everyone’s a critic.
Take a look at some of the most controversial modern parenting techniques and decide for yourself.

1. Gender-Neutral Parenting

Gender is one of the most hotly debated topics right now. More and more people are feeling comfortable openly identifying with a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth or even rejecting the gender binary entirely.
It’s a pretty big sociological shakeup, and not all of society is on board with this new dynamic. Considering this, it’s not hard to see why there’s been such a backlash against raising a child without the notion of gender.
The traditional method of childrearing places a heavy emphasis on gender. Gender-appropriate names, clothing, and even toys all play a role in a many children’s upbringing.

Advocates of gender-neutral parenting would argue that this is assigning a child a gender identity at birth instead of allowing them to identify as what feels natural to them. It also prevents children from engaging in interests that are traditional to a gender other than their own.
With gender-neutral parenting, children can enjoy whatever clothing, hairstyle, toys, or games they want without feeling pressured or shamed for their choices. Basically, they’re given the freedom to express themselves however they choose.
Gender politics is a highly controversial subject. Rejecting the gender binary is rejecting the status quo, which is bound to ruffle a few feathers. Parents who use this method are sometimes accused of pushing their agenda onto their children.

Some people, such as sexual neuroscientist Debra W. Soh, argue that attempts to raise children gender-neutral are pointless, as they’re still likely to pursue gender-typical interests.
Nevertheless, it’s a far cry from abuse—despite what some might claim.

2. Attachment Parenting

Another celebrity who’s often making headlines for her parenting choices is The Big Bang Theory star Mayim Bialik. She’s a big fan of attachment parenting, a topic that she discusses often in interviews.
Attachment parenting aims to deepen the bond between mother and child. This is done with babywearing, extended breastfeeding, and co-sleeping.

Bialik breastfed one of her sons until he was 4 years old—something she faced a lot of backlash for.
Although some find attachment parenting amazing, others aren’t so convinced. For example, Barbara M. Ostfeld, PhD, a professor of pediatrics at Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, recently held a Reddit AMA about the risk factors associated with bed-sharing.
In the discussion, she explained that “with respect to bed-sharing, the [American Academy of Pediatrics] notes that it is especially risky and to be avoided under several conditions such as sleeping with a term infant under 4 months of age.”
Laura Paret, PhD, is a child and adolescent psychologist who works with children, adolescents, and their families to treat a range of behavioral challenges at Union Square Practice in New York City. “Attachment theory, in my opinion, has the strongest research basis for explaining how parent–child relationships later impact children as adults,” she says.
Paret works with parents in coaching them to “adopt an authoritative parenting style, drawing from Baumrind’s seminal work on the topic,” a theory that bears similarity to attachment parenting.
“Essentially both theories highlight the need for children to have warm, empathic connection—i.e. a ‘safe haven’ of comfort and security, from an attachment perspective—and encouragement to take on challenges and explore the world within firm limits set by the parents—i.e. a ‘secure base’ from which children can explore their worlds but also understanding behavioral expectations and boundaries the parents hold,” Paret says.

She focuses on “optimizing the relationship connection” by helping parents learn how to give attention and praise during play and quality time. Paret says that this form of “affirmation coaching” helps promote both emotional literacy and intelligence in children, which in turn encourages their ability to solve problems independently while nurturing their self-esteem.
“Special play time and other relationship-building strategies can quickly increase the sense of safety and attachment within the parent–child relationship, at which point approaches that follow from an ‘authoritative’ parenting style come next, such as behavioral-modification strategies like limit setting, natural and logical consequences, selective attention, and rewards/incentives,” she says.
“Research shows that on the whole, these approaches translate into children’s improved ability to be self-reliant [and] emotionally intelligent [and have] stronger peer relationships and academic performance and [improved] relationship quality throughout the life span.”
Filmmaker Jacqui Blue is a producer best known for the documentary Beautiful Births. She’s an advocate for more holistic parenting methods and has spent almost a decade studying pregnancy and childbirth. She also happens to be a single mom of five boys ages 9 to 14.
Blue is a big fan of attachment-parenting methods and implemented them with her own children.

“When my kids were younger my parenting style included breastfeeding (extended), co-sleeping, babywearing, and we danced to the Wiggles all the time.”
Blue says she has seen co-sleeping not be ideal for some parents, whose children refuse to sleep in their own bed up to the age of 12. Nevertheless, her experience was a positive one.
“While my kids were nursing and not sleeping through the night, co-sleeping made life so much easier,” she says. “In addition to emotional bonds, mother and child have physiological responses to one another, which is really quite fascinating.”
She says that although she and her family work well together as a team, “personal independence” is highly encouraged.
“Personal responsibility, boundaries, and respect are big deals in my home and things I wish our society overall would learn how to implement,” she says.

3. Gentle Parenting

Similar to attachment parenting, gentle parenting doesn’t use rewards or punishment when teaching children what’s wrong and right. Parents who raise their children with gentle parenting techniques will avoid saying words like “no” or “don’t” and aren’t fans of rewarding good behavior with what could be interpreted as a bribe (“I’ll give you a piece of candy if you clean your room!”)

This method is supposed to help children think about their actions on a deeper level rather than blindly obeying their parents because of an expected reaction. In theory, they’ll learn to be respectful and compassionate but also not feel scared of their parents’ reactions to their behavior.
Of course, a lot of parents would balk at the idea of never telling their kid “no” or allowing them to discuss every parenting decision. After all, they’re going to be hearing the word “no” a lot when they leave the nest.

4. Involving Children in Childbirth

If you have younger siblings, your earliest memory of them is probably when they were brought home from the hospital. But some parents are now having all their kids present for the birth of their new siblings, allowing them to welcome the new addition to the family as soon as they take their first breath.
Seeing someone give birth is a pretty intense experience, which is exactly why not everyone thinks it’s appropriate for kids to be in the room. There are fears that it might be too stressful for a young child to understand.

For parents who do include their kids in the birth, it’s important to prepare them for what’s about to happen, especially if they’re young. That way they’ll feel less confused about seeing their mother in so much pain.
The University of Michigan’s CS Mott Children’s Hospital has some ideas for involving older siblings in the birth of a new baby, suggesting that they may even like to cut the cord to feel really involved in the process.

5. The Ferber Method (AKA “Crying it out”)

It might not be new, but it’s certainly controversial. The Ferber method is a form of sleep training that involves leaving a baby be when they cry instead of instantly picking them up or feeding them.
Suffice to say, Blue isn’t fond of the Ferber method.
“The mainstream idea here is that the baby learns to self-soothe,” she says. “Some parents will let their infant scream for hours until the child just passes out from exhaustion … and call it ‘self soothing’ or ‘learning who’s boss and they won’t manipulate me!'”

So are babies manipulating their parents by crying? According to Blue, no.
“An infant does not know how to manipulate,” she says. “If an infant is crying in the middle of the night, the child needs something—food, a diaper change, or just to feel Mommy’s heartbeat. It’s too easy to forget where the baby just came from and the harsh world it’s having to adjust to. Mother’s heartbeat is soothing and reminds them of a warm, safe space.”
Granted, the Ferber method does allow parents to touch their baby—but not hold them.

6. Co-Parenting

Co-parenting is a broad term that describes non-traditional modes of raising children. It could involve someone raising a baby with a platonic friend who isn’t their romantic partner or raising a baby in a romantic, polyamorous relationship—that is, a relationship that involves more than two people.

Children who are co-parented often have more than two parents who contribute to their upbringing.
Despite the modern age we live in, many people still subscribe to a traditional view of a family, with one mother and one father who are romantically involved. In co-parenting situations there’s a fear that children will be confused—or worse, traumatized—by so many parental figures.

But as one study demonstrates, people have been co-parenting for years thanks to extended family members taking on equal responsibility for children.
Although little research has been done on the effect of having multiple parents (such as many mothers and/or fathers), it hasn’t been shown to traumatize anyone. If anything, a larger support system is ultimately healthier for a child’s development.

7. Unschooling

Unschooling is a form of homeschooling that involves the students choosing what they learn and how they learn it. There’s a strong emphasis placed on learning through experiences. For example, instead of teaching children about fractions from a textbook, parents might bake a cake with their kids and explain fractions using measuring cups.

With unschooling there is a risk that children could have gaps in essential knowledge simply because they don’t feel like learning specific things—for example, math. Some kids may also exploit this method by procrastinating, claiming that they’d rather do something like bake a cake than read a book.
The key to unschooling is creativity. Real-world experience is a great way to learn skills, and, done the right way, ideally it will keep kids engaged long enough for them to gain the knowledge they need.

What’s the big deal?

Whether it’s boys wearing dresses or parents leaving their babies to cry, there will always be people on either side of the argument. But when it comes to what’s wrong or right, it is crucial to stay informed.
Blue says it’s important for parents to do their research when deciding what’s best for them and their children.
“Don’t worry about if something is ‘controversial’ or not, because someone is going to have something to say about it, no matter what you do,” she says. “That’s just the way it is. But if you research and get facts, talk to other parents, hear their personal experiences, read books, talk to doctors, read medical journals—do all of that and then with all the information you have, figure out what makes sense to you; what do you feel is best for you and your family? What are you most comfortable with and what don’t you trust? If you do that—gather as much information as you can—and then make an educated and informed choice, you can feel confident in your parenting choices, regardless of what anyone else has to say about it.”

And don’t forget: No one has it all figured out, no matter what they tell you.

In the midst of researching babywearing, vaccinations, and first foods, I stumbled across the idea of baby sign language. I was the first of my friends to have a child, so I hadn’t seen baby signing in action, but reading about it intrigued me.
I knew babies communicated long before they had words, but teaching them to use sign language? I wasn’t quite sure.
But I gave it a go, and guess what? My daughter and I loved being able to “talk” before her verbal skills developed. Implementing sign language gave me insight into what she needed, and it gave her the opportunity to communicate more effectively.
There are flickers of baby sign language as far back as the 1800s. Then, William Whitney, a linguist, noticed that children of deaf parents were more likely to communicate—with sign language—more than a year before children in hearing families, at 6 months old.
This observation was left stagnant until the 1980s, when Joseph Garcia, EdD and ASL interpreter, made a similar observation. Babies who used sign language started around 6 months, and by 9 months, they had “substantial vocabularies.” This is quite the feat when most 1–2 year olds have just a few spoken words to communicate with.

Parents need to understand that they are the language model for the child and are key to the success.

Study of baby sign language continued, and Linda Acredolo, PhD, and Susan Goodwyn, PhD, won a number of National Institutes of Health grants after implementing baby sign language with Acredolo’s daughter. Through their personal and professional research, they concluded that sign language offered the following benefits for the child:

• Less frustration, resulting in reduced tantrums
• Closer bond to caregivers
• A larger speaking vocabulary
• Multi-lingual communication
• 12 IQ point advantage

Baby sign language, at its core, is a simple process of correlation—cause and effect. Babies learn through repetition. It takes practice, but by reinforcing a specific sign with a specific action, they eventually catch on and gain a “word.”
Amy McKnight, a Signing Time Academy specialist with over four years of experience in the baby signing field, says, “I tell my parents that the sooner you can begin using Sign Language in the home, the better. I have clients starting as young as a couple months. And with consistency and repetition, critical keys, an average child may be signing before they are a year old. Parents need to understand that they are the language model for the child and are key to the success.”

McKnight says she cherishes “the beauty of ASL and [I] thoroughly love creating a communication pathway for my families.” And that’s truly the perfect way to describe baby sign language: a communication pathway. And who wouldn’t want to better communicate with their baby?
If baby sign language is something that interests you, take note of these beginning words and signs to know. You can see each sign described in action in a visual dictionary like the ones found here and here.

“Eat”

Hunger is a basic instinct, and when babies can communicate that feeling, they are less likely to grow frustrated and whine about their need for a meal.

To sign “eat”: Pinch your hand together, tip of the thumb meeting the tip of the other fingers, and tap it on your mouth.

“Please” and “Thank You”

Diane, a mom of one, loved teaching her son the signs for “please” and “thank you.”
“We didn’t do a ton [of signing,] but please, thank you, and more were invaluable!” she shares. “I started only because a group of moms I knew recommended it, and, to be honest, I didn’t think it would actually work! Hindsight, I kind of wish we would have done more words, but oh well.”
Diane has seen early sign language transfer into her now-4-year-old’s vocabulary. “I think learning early to ‘say’ please and thank you, even before he could verbalize those words, made an easier and more natural transition to saying please and thank you when he could talk,” she says.
“It was just what he’d already been used to saying … I’m obviously big on manners! He gets compliments even now, as a preschooler, on how good his manners are.”

To sign “please”: Make an “L” with your hand, fingers tight together and thumb outstretched, with palm facing in. Rub on your chest.

To sign “thank you”: Touch your fingers to your chin and motion out.

“More” and “All Done”

“When we started feeding them solids,” says Kari, a mom of four, “we started teaching mealtime related signs like ‘more’ and ‘all done.’ It made meals more fun and interactive for all of us.”
I, too, love these two signs. Dare I say, knowing how to communicate “more” and “all done” makes eating with a child enjoyable! As soon as my kids learned “all done,” the throwing of food was greatly reduced.

To sign “more”: Pinch your fingers and thumb together with both hands, then bend towards the palm to create and “O” shape. Tap fingertips together repeatedly.
To sign “all done”: Hold both hands up, palms in. Then, turn palms out.

“Water” and “Milk”

Kati, a mom of two, did her reading when it came to teaching her firstborn sign language. “We watched and read Sign With Your Baby by Joseph Garcia, which made it easy and fun for us to learn a lot of vocabulary quickly!”

Based on her research, Kati started teaching her daughter at 4 months, and by 6 months, she says, “Mia was signing ‘milk’ instead of crying when she was hungry.”
“She picked up other signs over the next 4–6 months and blew us away! We had a communicative and happy baby—seriously, almost zero screaming or crying.”
To sign “water”: Make the sign for the letter “W” (three middle fingers up, thumb and pinkie tucked in) and tap your index finger to your chin.

To sign “milk”: Create a fist and squeeze. Release and repeat.

“Change Diaper”

If you can’t smell it, watch for your baby to sign it! Personally, I’ve found that we use this sign more and more in the toddler years. I use it when it’s time to change so they know what’s coming—so much about communication is about fair expectations.

You can either sign “diaper,” which requires your hands to be at your hips, or you can sign “change,” which can be done at chest height.
To sign “diaper”: With hands at the hips, take your index and middle finger and tap together with your thumb.

To sign “change”: Place your fists on top of each other, with your fingers touching. Extend your index fingers into hooks, and then change the positions of your hands.

“Hurts”

This is such an effective sign to learn! Sometimes, the hurt isn’t as visible as a scratched knee; maybe their belly hurts, or they have a bruise that hasn’t yet formed. If a little one can communicate an external or internal hurt with a sign, the parent can more quickly find a solution.
To sign “hurt”: Create fists with both hands, extend the index finger, and tap those fingers together. Tapping near the hurt body point signifies where the hurt is.

“Help”

“One of my favorite signs,” says Kristine, a mom of two. “I loved using signs because then they could communicate without whining or crying for what they need.”

To sign “help”: With one hand flat, palm facing up, and the other in a fist with thumb up, place your fist hand on top of the flat hand, and move upwards.

McKnight noted that other popular first signs are “mom,” “dad,” “dog,” and “cat.” Because, of course, after you can communicate what you need, you want to communicate about things you love! Other moms chimed in with a few favorites like “cracker,” “ball,” “hot,” and “sleep.”
No matter the words you choose to start learning alongside your baby, it’s crucial to understand the stages children go through when learning sign language. According to McKnight, this is what to expect:

1. A blank, curious stare while you’re signing when your child isn’t sure what you’re saying. Since all children are processing language at this point, it is a time where immense learning can occur.
2. The acknowledgement that the child understands what you are signing, e.g. “Do you want your MILK?” The child begins to know and anticipate the item about to be presented.
3. You are signing and your child begins moving their arms and hands (although not with great clarity) to indicate, “I understand, and I am signing back to you.”
4. The child’s signs begin to emerge as they mimic the correct sign.

If it sounds like baby signing is for you and your family, spend some of those late night feedings in the early weeks educating yourself on the options. There are many!
Learn the first two or three signs you want to begin with, and start using them long before you think your baby might catch on. They are watching. They are learning long before they physically respond.
Currently, I have a 6-week-old, and even now, I see him responding to certain cues. For example, when I place a burp cloth under his chin, he instinctively turns his head that direction, mouth wide open. He knows it’s time to nurse. This is how it begins. As my baby grows and begins interacting more, his siblings and I plan to practice simple signs with him to tear down communication barriers and begin understanding exactly what he needs when he needs it.

Start your research by using one of the many sources online. Most of all, connect with other parents and children who are also learning baby sign language. Nothing is greater than peer-to-peer support!

Many child performers … emerge with symptoms of anxiety and even depression when they fail to meet their parents’, as well as their own, high expectations.

I’ve never met a mom who doesn’t regret a decision she’s made about her children.
Some moms admit that they wish they’d been harder on or expected more of their children; others admit the exact opposite. Personally, I regularly feel I’ve put too much pressure on my oldest, who is not quite 6, to grow up faster than necessary. It’s difficult not to get caught up in their potential, wanting them to succeed and do well in school, dance, or sports.
I try to check myself anytime I notice I’m getting a little uptight about teaching her to read or feeling anxious that I haven’t enrolled her in dance, sports, or gymnastics. I know that, without limits and boundaries, parents can let their own interests and obsessions overpower what is best for their children.

Nothing makes this more evident than the bizarre world of the reality TV show Toddlers & Tiaras, which features toddler beauty pageant participants—and the moms that coach them through the whole thing.
Perhaps the most controversial moment on this show took place in 2011, when mom Wendy Dickey dressed her 3-year-old child as, well, a “woman of the night” for a pageant. She put her daughter, Paisley, in a revealing outfit that was obviously a nod to the woman Julia Roberts played in the film Pretty Woman. And for what? To win a contest?

Of course, most parents aren’t taking things quite that far. Still, day in and day out, moms are crossing the line of supportive parent and turning into “stage moms” in their own right. It’s not just moms who are guilty, either: The same can be said for fathers who let their love of a sport and their competitive spirit turn them into total out-of-control sports dads with no regard for what’s best for their children.
According to John Mayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Doctor On Demand, there are usually two explanations for why parents push their children too hard to perform.

“First, they are living vicariously through their child,” he says. “Second, the parents’ expectations of the child’s performance, interest, benefit, or ownership of the activity is inaccurate.”
Still, it is normal to want success for your child. So where is the line between supportive mom and stage mom? What sets cheerleading your children apart from excessive, ultra-competitive coaching?

The Good

Extracurricular activities, like dance, sports, or even pageants, aren’t inherently bad. In fact, at their core, they hold a lot of benefits for the children involved.

For starters, participation in extracurricular activities is associated with a lowered risk of substance abuse in high school, according to research in the journal Adolescent and Family Health. We also know that sports specifically promote strong relationships between kids and their friends, teachers, and family, as noted in the journal Sociology of Education.
“I am an advocate that all children should be participating in at least one extracurricular activity throughout the school year, and during the summer [I recommend they] increase that number,” Mayer says.

He further explains that many schools have shifted the focus of their curriculums to STEM subjects, i.e., science, technology, engineering, and math. Extracurricular activities can fill in the gaps, according to Mayer: They give children the chance to participate in physical education, the arts, music, and more when their school doesn’t provide that option during the school day.

Additionally, Mayer isn’t shy about the overwhelming benefits of these activities when it comes to child and adolescent development. He says these extracurriculars can teach teamwork, patience, and hard work. Participation can improve academic performance, aid the development of important social skills, and are beneficial to the child’s cognitive development, too.
“Extracurriculars stimulate areas of the brain, primarily in the frontal cortex, that stimulate creativity, artistic skills, empathy,” he says.

The Bad

Of course, even proponents of extracurriculars believe there can be too much of a good thing. In Mayer’s opinion, when involvement in extracurricular activities like sports and dance becomes so stressful to a child that they no longer want to be involved, that may be a clue that their parents are pushing too hard—or that the parents have let their own interests supersede what is best for the child.
Even children who don’t say they are no longer enjoying the activity may exhibit certain symptoms that can act as clues to parents and coaches.

“Many child performers who have too much pressure to achieve and perform emerge with symptoms of anxiety and even depression when they fail to meet their parents’, as well as their own, high expectations,” explains Fran Walfish, PsyD, a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent.
According to Walfish, some of these children may develop what she calls “spoiled brat syndrome,” behaving so poorly that even their peers begin to back off, leaving them socially isolated.

Children who are unhappy with their involvement in certain activities but are afraid to say so may complain regularly about the coach, the instructor, or the other children involved, says Mayer. He also notes that any time parents find that they’re regularly yelling at their children about the participation in an activity, that’s a pretty good sign they’ve crossed the line from supportive parent to pushy “stage mom.”
“I see this every day in some form,” he says. “Just today, while consulting at a high school, a student was brought to me because he was depressed. I uncovered that the root of his depression was that his father screamed at him and punished him for dropping a sport.”

The Ugly

When parents push their kids much too hard in a specific activity, they just might be trying to find fulfillment that is missing from their life, according to Walfish.
“Stage moms generally have unfulfilled fantasies of their own,” she explains. “They attempt—usually without conscious awareness—to live out their dreams through their child. They push too hard, control, and over-direct their kids onto the stage.”

If “the bad” of being a stage mom is the fact that children may act out or experience anxiety and social isolation, than “the ugly” is the fact that too much pressure to perform has long-term negative impacts on children. Children and teens of stage moms often grow up to experience mental health struggles, according to Walfish: Because stage moms may be projecting their own identities onto their children, those children might have underdeveloped senses of self-identity.
“Sadly, many children of highly pressuring moms or dads evolve into adolescence and adulthood with a developed false self,” she says. “These kids grow up feeling a distorted belief that their mother will only love them if they present themselves in the highest form of achievement or personality-plus demeanor, not their true self.”

These children may grow into the adults who feel that no one sees, or loves, who they truly are. And even when they are highly successful, they may experience feelings that they are frauds, undeserving of the success they achieved.
The constant attention and pressure can also result in a child who believes the world revolves around them and their performance: A belief that will quickly be shattered in the adult world when they are no longer the center of attention.

What’s next for these children?

Some parents, of course, have restraint in their cheerleading. Their children, then, will experience the many benefits of extracurriculars; their parents just need to pay attention to them and make sure they’re participating in things they truly enjoy.
Yet children like Paisley, whose parents are so deeply entrenched in their own fantasies, have a difficult road ahead of them. In Walfish’s professional opinion, these kids must achieve a level of separation from their parents in order to recover from the damaging effects of a high-pressure childhood.

This is because most of these moms are completely unaware of how their own unfulfilled fantasies are causing harm to their child, according to Walfish, who doesn’t believe “stage moms” have much of a chance of making a change. Instead, she believes the focus of intervention should be on the affected child.
“If a warmly attuned therapist, teacher, coach, or extended family member can earn the trust of the child, a powerful message can be communicated to the child that explains the mother’s unresolved issues that have been put upon the child,” she explains. Conversations about the source of the pressure to perform can help the child to separate themselves and their identity from the parent’s issues.

“Separation is key to the child’s healing,” Walfish continues. “Separation only can happen when initiated and navigated by the child,” he says, noting that this separation often comes in adulthood.
What does that mean for shows like Toddlers & Tiaras? Even though some stage moms may never understand that their behavior is unacceptable, we have hope that the shows produces understand that a line was crossed: The show wasn’t renewed in 2017.

“No,” I replied firmly. Again.
My son, almost 4 years old at the time, stomped his foot, stuck out his tongue, and began to wail. His cries grew louder and louder, his thrashing bigger and bigger.
This time, thankfully, we were at home. The meltdowns in public traumatize me to the core as onlookers question my parenting and often shake their heads in disbelief at such a sweet little person’s intense volume.
I wish there had been a reason for his outburst, and while technically I had said no to a second cookie, his reaction far outweighed the situation. But that’s how it goes with temper tantrums. Or so I thought.
In actuality, responding to no more cookies was merely the surface of my son’s temper tantrum. Below that was so much more.

Don’t try to fix it, just listen and hear the child.

What propels a child into a tantrum might seem like a mystery, but Brendan Mahan, an educator and parent coach specializing in ADHD awareness and other childhood troubles, states, “Temper tantrums are developmentally appropriate responses to a child being overwhelmed … they’re about emotions, and specifically emotions that are stronger than the child can manage on their own.”
And that is what we as parents need to remember: Where we have learned over the years to manage our emotions, our young children are still mastering those skills. That’s why almost anything and everything can set them off.
Think of the things that shift your emotions into overdrive: when you’re sad, overwhelmed, or frustrated; when you lose control over a situation; when you feel hungry; or perhaps you simply have an off day. It’s the same with children. Our role as parents is to provide a safe place and de-escalate our children’s emotions when they reach extreme levels.

When on the receiving end of a tantrum, it’s easy to feel embarrassed or judged. I know I do. But every parent has been there…or will be. Elisabeth Stitt, certified co-active coach and founder of Joyful Parenting Coaching, claims that parents with easy-going children might experience fewer tantrums, but no parent can avoid them completely. So remember, approach your child with love and understanding when a temper tantrum strikes. Then, utilize the tools below to diffuse the situation and collaborate with your child to effectively deal with the next tantrum—it will inevitably happen.

Find the source.

“Once the tantrum starts, it is best not to get angry. Let them know that you understand how they feel, [say] ‘I see you are feeling frustrated.’” Kathy Walsh Rothschild, the creator of parenting/child resource Peace Place for Kids, shares. “Don’t try to fix it, just listen and hear the child. Encourage them to express feelings, and it will help get to the underlying cause.”

Elena Mikalsen, PhD, a clinical psychologist with expertise in parenting, lists an array of potential reasons for a child’s temper tantrum: hunger, exhaustion, frustration, worry, sadness, sensory overload, illness, pain, feeling ignored, and lacking attention (just to get the ball rolling). After a temper tantrum ends, immediately think back, and see if you can match a source with your child’s outburst.

Looking back, there is no doubt that many of my son’s tantrums were linked to two triggers—hunger and routine modification.
Almost all of his tantrums happened leading up to a meal. Or if he had missed out on a protein-rich breakfast, I could almost guarantee a crash midmorning. I also noticed that on weekends when his grandparents visited, and there was extra excitement, modified naps, and more people to engage with, a tantrum might ensue. Not knowing what to expect and having his routine thrown off was no doubt a way to welcome a tantrum.

If temper tantrums are peaking with your child, consider keeping a diary to truly watch and catalog their individual triggers. Then, you can work to avoid those triggers—or at least prepare yourself for an upheaval.

Increase communication and touch.

It’s never too early to talk to your children, no matter how young they are. During the tantrum, you won’t be able to reason with them.
“When things are calm, talk over the reasons they had it,” Mahan says. “Maybe something was bothering them that you didn’t know about. Getting that information can help avoid future outbursts.”

Each of my children have spoken later in their toddler years, but with each of them, I have learned that they understand some things far before they can articulate their feelings. By talking to them, I give them words and validation when things feel out of control. Most recently, at the close of my toddler’s tantrum over having to turn off Paw Patrol, I simply asked, “Do you need a hug to feel better?” And he nodded.

Stitt encourages parents to keep a physical connection during a tantrum if the child will accept. “A hand or a hug or a lap,” she says. “If he won’t, just sit as close as he will allow.”

Stay away from certain situations.

“Avoid highly stimulating environments: places that are loud, brightly lit, full of flashing screens, etc.” Mahan says. “Basically, don’t take your kid to Buffalo Wild Wings.” Think triggers.

You know your child, and you can document when tantrums occur. Then you’ll likely know when they might happen again. If certain places, people, or situations tip them off, avoid them…for everyone’s sakes.

Don’t try to stop it.

Deborah, a mom of four, has researched tantrums in order to aid her own family in more effectively managing them. “I’ve come to realize that [stopping a tantrum] is like forcing my kids to stop laughing,” she shares. And who can do that?
Rather, allow the tantrum to run its course and in the midst, stay calm. Easier said than done, I know.

“Because our calm helps a child calm down,” Stitt says, “it is important to stay present with a child.” Our self-regulation acts as a type of osmosis for a child mid-tantrum, and, although it might not seem like it’s helping, by breathing deep and centering ourselves, we model what we eventually expect from our child.

Don’t say no.

Imagine this: a world of all yeses! Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Mikalsen encourages parents to say yes as often as possible, or at least choose phrases that aren’t situated around the word “no.” Her ideas include: “Let me think about this,” “I would love to let you have _____ right after…,” and “I can see you really want to _____; next time we definitely can.”

My own mom recently encouraged me to do this, too. “Be a yes mom,” she says. No is such a harsh, definitive word that choosing to say yes, or a yes alternative, avoids unnecessary battles.

Give them a tool box.

Liisa, a mom of two, subscribes to the tool box theory: “For each kid, we have a tool box. I have been learning that I need more help from others, and I have to acquire different tools for each kid.” What are those tools? Well, there’s quite a few. Begin with these and tailor them to your child’s age and personality:

• Deep breathing: You start and ask them to follow.
• Meditation: This is something to practice before a tantrum. Then you can be the voice of reason that quietly asks them to close their eyes and focus on their happy place when a tantrum begins to overtake.
• Sleep well: Establish routines that help avoid tantrums in the first place. “Lack of sleep leads directly to emotional dysregulation,” Mahan says. So no skipping naps or staying up past bedtime regularly!
• Find a dark, quiet place: Leaving a situation that triggers tantrums is often enough to stop the escalation.
• Allow hitting within reason: When emotions overload, sometimes a child needs a physical release. For younger children, give them a pillow to pound. For older ones, offer a punching bag.
• Eat a snack: Hunger does crazy things to a child’s system. Mikalsen encourages parents to always keep a snack on hand to curb a tantrum.

As your child’s personality develops and their vocabulary grows, converse with them outside of their tantrums about their feelings, and ask them what they feel might help. Together, you can add to the tool box over time, and reach for options when it’s needed.

An ineffective way for parents to deal with temper tantrums is to have one themselves.

Most of all, I learned from fellow moms and experts, who hear from many parents about their child’s tantrums, that effectively dealing with tantrums is more about dealing with myself than my child.
Children will throw tantrums no matter what. As Mahan shared, it’s developmentally appropriate for children to cycle through a season of tantrums. Nothing is wrong. In fact, everything is right! They’re experiencing emotions, and we’re merely tasked with coaching them through those feelings.

“An ineffective way for parents to deal with temper tantrums is to have one themselves,” Mahan implores parents. “Getting angry with and/or yelling at your kid over their temper tantrum only models bad behavior and establishes an unhealthy pattern.” So, as embarrassing and overwhelming as your child’s tantrum can be, keep yourself centered.

Finally, Stitt gives parents a bit of hope when they feel lost in the tunnel of tantrums: “Reminding yourself that tantrums peak around 4 years old and then taper off might help you stay calm until the storm has passed!” Hold strong, moms and dads, temper tantrums won’t be around forever! Then again, don’t hold your breath for your child’s fifth birthday, since every child is different.

A case study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is raising questions about the safety of a postpartum practice in the natural health community.
According to the CDC, a newborn in Oregon became very ill after the mother, who was kept anonymous, began ingesting her placenta in dehydrated, capsule form. The baby had been born healthy, but returned to the hospital shortly after birth with respiratory problems and was eventually diagnosed with group B streptococcus agalactiae bacteremia, or GBS.

The infant was treated with antibiotics and returned home only to contract the infection a second time. This is when the mother brought up the placenta capsules she was consuming, prepared from her own placenta by a company she hired. When she stopped taking the capsules and her child was given a second antibiotic treatment, the baby made a complete recovery.
The doctors involved in the case believe that the mother contracted the infection from the capsules and then passed it on to her child, who she was breastfeeding.

Although only one case, this story is being used by the CDC to educate on the potential risks of ingesting placenta. The difficulty being faced is the fact that very little literature exists on the topic. We did a little digging around, curious if this story was indicative that all placenta ingestion is risky.

“What’s the point?”

For most mothers, ingesting the placenta after birth is done in hopes of easing the symptoms of the postpartum season. Those in favor of the practice believe that ingesting the placenta reduces postpartum bleeding, symptoms of postpartum depression, increases milks supply, and even boosts the mother’s energy.
Placenta encapsulation has become more popular recently, but it’s founded in the idea that mammals have always ingested their placenta after birth.

“Hundreds of thousands of women have encapsulated their placentas,” says Samantha Moore, certified postpartum placenta specialist and owner of My KC Doula. “Although there is no scientific evidence, there is mounds of anecdotal evidence that women have shared through that years that says, ‘Yes! It really does work!’”
It’s the lack of scientific evidence that gives doctors working in obstetrics, like Ira Jaffe, DO, an OB-GYN at Rosh Maternal Fetal Medicine in New York City, pause. Jaffe isn’t convinced of it’s effectiveness, yet chooses not to discourage his patients from taking their placenta home, instead talking with mothers about safety concerns to keep in mind.

“It’s not a subject that’s been very rigorously studied, so a lot of the conversation in the medical community is more about extrapolating from things that are known a little more clearly,” he explains. “What most medical professionals will say is ‘What’s the point?’ because there’s no evidence that says it’s helpful.”

Is placenta encapsulation safe?

While the safety of placenta encapsulation is only recently receiving national attention because of the Oregon case, it isn’t a new conversation. Postpartum doulas have long been having this conversation among themselves, criticizing poor practices and advocating for safer placenta storage and preparation.

“This story has definitely opened a lot of people’s eyes to the scariness that can be placenta encapsulation, but it’s important to realize that it doesn’t have to be this way.”

Opponents of placenta encapsulation have certainly used this single story as a means of questioning the safety of the practice entirely. In the CDC’s case study, mind you, it said that no standards exist for the processing of placenta for consumption.
That is true, but it also isn’t the nail in the coffin for placenta encapsulation. In fact, for placenta specialists who prioritize safety, this story is considered a blessing, finally starting a national conversation on what safe handling and encapsulation of placenta looks like.

“Clearly something is wrong in this industry that needs to be rectified immediately,” says Moore. “This story has definitely opened a lot of people’s eyes to the scariness that can be placenta encapsulation, but it’s important to realize that it doesn’t have to be this way. With proper protocols and safety, it can be a completely safe option for lots of women.”

“Doctors, the CDC, and the [Food and Drug Administration] need to jump on board with some stringent protocol to keep them safe.”

So what does safe placenta encapsulation look like, exactly? For starters, Moore says that the mother should never send her placenta home with someone to encapsulate. Instead, placenta specialists should work in the mother’s home, where the mother is fully aware of the cleanliness of the environment and can observe the entire process.
Additionally, anyone who is working with placenta should be blood-borne pathogen trained, according to Moore, which provides a complete understanding of the right way to care for the placenta being processed.
There are also basic safety and cleanliness practices that should be observed. For Moore, this means gloves, footies, a hair net, mask, and apron. She also meticulously sanitizes the environment and tools used for encapsulation.

When it comes to encapsulating placenta from moms who are group B strep positive, both Moore and Jaffe agree that additional precautions must be taken. Jaffe strongly urges against the use of the placenta in any instance of GBS, while Moore suggests rigorous safety measures before moving forward.
“A person that is GBS positive needs to be very careful that [their encapsulator] is upholding the highest safety standards possible,” Moore explains. “If your encapsulator can’t tell you exactly how they process to ensure that there will be no GBS bacteria left in your placenta, you should not hire them!”
Instead of demonizing the practice, Moore hopes that this case study with encourage the CDC to promote safe preparation of placentas.

“This is a service that women want,” she says. “Doctors, the CDC, and the [Food and Drug Administration] need to jump on board with some stringent protocol to keep them safe. They are doing a disservice to women everywhere by saying ‘don’t do it,’ because women will still do it, and it will continue to be done by pseudo-professionals who are not following safety protocol because they simply don’t know or don’t care.”
Jaffe is one such doctor who has taken the stand that, if a woman has decided this is a good option for her, he prefers she know how to safely proceed. He encourages them to carefully research their specialist, to be familiar with the environment in which the placenta will be prepared, and to be willing to say no to placenta encapsulation if they test positive for GBS.

Are there better options?

Erin Heger, mom of one, had her placenta encapsulated by a trusted doula. She hoped to lower her risk for postpartum depression and to support her body in making milk for her baby.
Heger admits that she’s fairly certain she wouldn’t try placenta encapsulation again if she decided to have another child. In her mind, it isn’t safety that gives her pause: She’s simply not sure about the benefits.
In her case, she felt the benefits were oversold. She felt the natural community she was involved in online had made out placenta encapsulation as the answer for postpartum depression. So, when she began to experience raging anxiety and depression after her son’s birth, she felt ashamed that her placenta capsules didn’t seem to be work, and actually postponed receiving formal treatment for postpartum depression as a result.

According to Jaffe, moms who are worried about postpartum depression should consider engaging in strategies that have been proven to work. Specifically, he recommends exercising one-to-three times a week, doing anything possible to get plenty of rest, and avoiding the isolation that is far too common for new moms.
“People are left on their own so much in nuclear families with small children, [and] it really challenges the woman in an extreme way,” he says. “I counsel patients to not be afraid to call on family members and friends. If you’re left feeling isolated, then it’s going to leave you feeling much more vulnerable to a serious clinical depression.”

Medication is something that some moms should be open to. It isn’t always necessary, especially among moms who are simply experiencing mood changes typical to new motherhood; women with a history of depression, however, should prepare themselves for the possibility of needing extra support in the form of anti-depressants.
It’s important to point out that doulas like Moore are not selling placenta encapsulation as a cure-all for depression. In fact, most take postpartum depression seriously enough to encourage the involvement of an OB-GYN or mental health professional. Moore not only encourages her clients to care for themselves in the postpartum period, she insists they speak with their care provider in the instance that depression or anxiety is becoming an issue.

“As a postpartum placenta specialist, it’s a very important part of our training that we never suggest that placenta [capsules] are a postpartum depression medication,” she explains. “I am more than happy to perform the service and help them through the process as they choose, but my role as a postpartum doula and postpartum placenta specialist is very clear … .I am not a mental health professional.”

Born in 1986, I am a true millennial. And if you came earthside between 1982 and 2004, you are too. We’re a large group: In 2016, we passed that of the Baby Boomers as the largest living generation.
Currently, most millennials are in their twenties and thirties, which means we’re in our typical childbearing years. In fact, about 80 percent of new mothers are millennials. And those millennial parents have a nicknamed subgroup of their own—parennials!
Times have changed since the previous generation entered their parenting years. These days, we have answers at our fingertips. We can track sleep schedules via apps on our phone, and we often turn to social media for emotional support. I know: I’ve done it all over the last eight years.
As a parennial, technology is so much of my everyday: something my own mother never had. When she was in my shoes, she called her mother most days for advice, researched things in books, and logged her children’s milestones in a darling baby book. But just 30 years after her experience, things are very different.

Now, my phone and all the resources and relationships it holds have become my lifeline as a parent. It stands in for communication, research, and documenting. For example, when I was in early labor with my son, I timed my contractions through an app and was able to show my midwife the report when she arrived. I’m active on social media, where I chronicle my children’s art projects, funny sayings, and both big and small milestones.
I use my phone to chart each of my children’s growths and remember what feels like countless appointments and obligations. I use it to keep all my notes, send emails, and even entertain my children with educational apps and movies. Without this technology, I’m not sure my mommy brain could keep up.
My own mother survived parenting without a smart phone. I’ve just never known any different. Sometimes though, I wonder if my kids and I would be better off with a less tech-y life, like my mom’s. Technology aside, parennials are raising their children different than generations before, because we’re living in a new era that requires us to make new accommodations.

Let’s talk about Dr. Google.

Have you ever succumbed to the pitfall of Googling late at night? Perhaps your child has a high fever or an odd rash. Maybe you’re up late wondering if they know enough words for their age or if you’ve introduced the right food at the right time.

Millennials, having been raised in the age of technology, tend towards being used to immediate gratification.

Author Bruce Feiler, who coined the term parennial, wrote an article for the New York Times where he claimed that this generation is full of “high-information parents.”
I couldn’t agree more. Information is everywhere for us around the clock. We don’t have to wait for a doctor to return our call. We don’t have to traipse to the library, and use the Dewey Decimal System to track down the right resource. There is no wondering or waiting.

Donna Volipitta, a doctor of education who studies neurology, psychology, and education in relation to parenting, comments on the speed parennials have become accustomed to: “I believe that the difference in parenting [between generations], though exemplified by the change in information source, is more based on time frame.”
“Millennials, having been raised in the age of technology, tend towards being used to immediate gratification. They want immediate solutions. If they don’t know an answer, they google it,” she explains. “If they need to get somewhere, they Uber. If they need food, they Grubhub. If they want a picture, they Snap it.” And, although we’re living in the age of fast answers, parenting itself is a slow and steady journey.

We get the answer right away, even if that answer isn’t always correct or the best.

The immediate, never-ending knowledge base that technology brings ushers in other things, too. Like anxiety. And worry. And misconceptions. Because, after all, Dr. Google doesn’t always properly diagnose, and the internet doesn’t always offer accurate advice.
“Many parents, especially new parents, reach out for information because they are in a panic, moment of frustration, or just overall curious about something,” Maria Sanders, a licensed social worker and parent coach, says. “We get the answer right away, even if that answer isn’t always correct or the best.”
Fast information is a Catch-22 for sure, because, on the flip side, the internet is also full of mountains of research, parenting insight, and truth that can lead moms and dads to become better parents.

“I turn many times to the internet, reading parenting blogs for information and advice,” Carey, a millennial mom of four, shares. “I feel like parenting in this age of information is both a blessing and a curse, and it is sometimes challenging to remain in the present moment with my kids.”

When Social Media Comes Into Play

Like Carey said, quick access to information brings about a slew of challenges. And it’s not just Google. It’s the draw of social media. Posting, tweeting, pinning, and sharing photos gives us immediate access to friends, family, strangers…and all of their opinions, too. Talk about overwhelming!
Then again, having people who care so quick at hand is a blessing too. “My go-to place for parenting advice is a group [online],” Samantha, a millennial mom of one, says. “They are a science-based group and are always on top of new studies and information. They have become almost like sisters to me.”
Strangers have become like family, all because of technology. Now, that’s something only a parennial can claim as part of their parenting experience.

The Virtual Tribe

It is in these social media groups that community thrives. Through them, the village that raises the child is born.

“There are groups for parents of toddlers, children with special needs, babywearing groups, nursing mama groups, as well as just general parenting groups,” Sanders says. “We don’t live in small villages, so parenting groups create a village mentality … we’ve all been there, so let’s lean on each other for advice and ideas!”
So many of my dearest relationships thrive because of technology. The women I converse with offer daily offer support and camaraderie in my parenting journey. Motherhood would be isolating and scary without them.

At the click of a button, I can vent, pose a concern, and quickly receive responses. In turn, I can respond to the other parents who are doing the same. Together, we’re juggling parenting in a new age, and it’s comforting to know we are not going at it alone.

What Parennials Are Missing

Past generations may have done things differently, but sometimes I wonder if they did it better. Slower? More intentionally? Like Carey, I fear I’m not always as present as I could be with my children. Having endless information available to my every thought, from emails pinging in to “friends” tagging me—it’s enough to make a mother go batty or grow addicted.

I suspect that’s why we often hear about millennials taking a break from social media. They want to return to the ways of their parents and grandparents and just do life—without the need to search, respond, or post every detail.
“We miss out on real human connection and a full dialogue,” Sanders says.
Computers and phones can never replace real life advice and support. That’s something previous generations know, and something many perennials are seeking.

“If I go to the internet, I can read a blurb about how to deal with my colicky baby, and then I can click onto something else,” Sanders says. “If my mom or aunt comes over, she can physically show me how to bathe the baby or cook that healthy meal for my toddler. We don’t get all that from Google!”
When millennials eliminate their exposure to older mentors they, and by consequence, their children, miss out.

Is balance possible?

Sanders believes balance is most definitely possible.

At some point, all of us need support.

“Sometimes, it’s nice to have the anonymity of an online group or be able to crowdsource the answer to our question,” she shares. “But we have to balance that with real human connection, whether that is with a call to the doctor or the hug from a friend or family member.”

“At some point, all of us need support. Having the courage to identify the need and ask for that support, [for] the sake of our children, is what can make a great parent.”
And that’s the beauty of parenting now. We have the best of both worlds: online support and real life resources.
Information overload can easily exhaust a new parent, though. So perhaps it’s time to create some boundaries. Rather than endlessly surfing for answers, find a circle of reliable sources and stop there; close the laptop, and set down the phone. With the space that provides, turn to parents and grandparents for their tips and tricks when a problem arises. Tried-and-true advice, plus a hug, sounds much better than 4,000 website links with possible help, doesn’t it?

In the end, trust your gut, know who you can rely on (whether online or off), and commit to being your child’s best parent. Regardless of your generation, no one can mother or father your child as well as you can.

In 2012, after being accused of taking her 5-year-old daughter into a local tanning booth, New Jersey mom Patricia Krentcil was charged with second-degree child endangerment.
Krentcil insisted her daughter was never exposed to the rays of the tanning booth. Though the appearance of burns on her daughter was what originally drew attention to the family, the parents swore the child had been burned while playing outside.

In an interview with an NBC affiliate in New York, Krentcil said that her daughter had been tagging along with her to the tanning booth for some time, but she’d merely been in the room, not in the tanning bed. Up until 2012, no one had taken issue with this habit, which she compared with bringing a child along on a trip the grocery store. The girl’s father believed that a teacher overheard her talking about going tanning with her mom at school but misinterpreted the conversation. Dubbed “Tan Mom” by media outlets, Krentcil was released on a $25,000 bail, and the story slowly faded out of national attention.
Five years later, however, Krentcil is back in the spotlight—as of July 2017, she’s thinking of suing her daughter’s school after the now 11-year-old allegedly came home with a sunburn. “After what they did to me, they didn’t put lotion on her? This time, I’m going after them,” she told the New York Post.

Ultimately, it’s hard to say what really went down with Krentcil and her daughter, but the story does raise interesting questions about parents who force lifestyle choices on their children. Of course, this example is extreme—most parents don’t take their little ones tanning—but that doesn’t mean we can’t all learn a lesson from this. Even parents who would never imagine endangering their child’s health are guilty of pushing them to adopt certain lifestyles.

Common Lifestyle Choices Forced on Children

Tanning may not be your thing, but you still might be guilty of forcing certain activities on your children. One of the most common examples among school-aged kids are parents who place too high of a priority on extra-curricular activities likes sports and dance.

Per Jody A. Dean, PhD, a clinical psychologist with 28 years of experience specializing in children, adolescents, and athletes: “When we talk about academics or athletics or something like dance or cheer,” there is a line between when someone “… is just being a really good parent … pushing their child to try something, to try to get better at something, to try to get skilled at something,” and “when [parents are] actually doing potential damage to the child.”
Dean describes a scenario she has experienced multiple times in her clinical practice: Parents enlist her help in convincing their child, most frequently a boy, to be more motivated in sports. These parents are certain that this child has a natural talent for a specific sport, and they feel that it would be waste for him not to play.

“The parents will go out of the room. I look at the kid, and he would say, ‘I don’t want to do this. I like science. I don’t like this sport,’” she says.
It isn’t just sports, of course. Parents may become fixated on involving their child in dance, academics, or singing. One woman, who has chosen to remain anonymous, shares that being pushed by her mother to train as a classical singer at a strict, religious university was incredibly draining.
“This led to five years of me studying under a man who demanded complete control of my life. Food, social life, everything was related back to the operation of my voice, and grooming me for a life on the opera stage,” she shares with HealthyWay.
Years later, she says she is still working through the damage caused by her experience, especially since her faith was integrated with her training.

Other parents may become fixated on their child’s appearance, according to Dean, and this can create an especially unhealthy dynamic between parent and child. Specifically, Dean has seen preteen girls wearing platform heels and short skirts at the mall with their moms, who are dressed in the same way.
“It’s strange,” says Dean. “The moms are really pushing these young girls to [dress] in a way that isn’t appropriate when you’re 9 or 10. It has a lot to do with the parent or mom who is aging and isn’t getting the attention she was getting [previously].”

Know when you’ve crossed the line.

According to Dean, it can be difficult for parents to realize they have crossed the line. It’s okay to put pressure on kids in situations where they need a little extra help staying motivated, she says, but how much is too much?

Children generally react in one of three ways when engaging in activities and hobbies, says Dean. First, there are children who have a genuine love for a certain activity: “The child is super engaged. In other words, they love to go to … practice—they possibly even love the activity outside of when they’re doing it.”
On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are children who are being pushed into something they have no interest in and do not enjoy. After two or three sessions of the activity, these children are still complaining, according to parenting resource Active for Life.

When they are doing it, they are going to look miserable, they’re going to act miserable, and they really are miserable.

Somewhere in the middle is a grey area, according to Dean: “We see parents who are trying to determine, ‘is this a child who needs a push, or have I stepped over the line?’ When the child wants to do it [but gets lazy]. We all get lazy, right?”

In terms of sports, Active for Life wrote that while “a little nudge” helps children overcome initial shyness, it’s important to respect your child’s wishes if they continually loath the activity.
“Remember that this is about your child’s long-term attitude toward sport and well being, not about you,” the article reads. “Resist insisting on participation because you want to get your money’s worth. Or because you’re worried about your child being a ‘quitter’.”

This is a great diagnostic for safe activities, like sports, dance, and academics. Yet if an activity could ever be harmful to a child, such as dieting or tanning, there is no grey area.

How Forcing Certain Lifestyles on Kids Does Harm

Although some parents may feel there is no harm in pushing their child to engage in an activity, if they are truly unhappy and uninterested, this parenting habit can do harm to the child. Convinced their child is the next great pianist or MLB player, parents may create an unhealthy dynamic with their child.
“Some parents believe the child is so talented in a specific area [and] if they don’t follow this path, if they … they don’t become incredibly successful, that’s their last chance. Which is probably never the case. [Parents] really do become obsessed with themselves,” Dean says.

In this situation, the very best move is to ask for an outside perspective. Dean recommends that parents check in with coaches, teachers, and peers for honest feedback on how their child is doing in a particular activity. Additionally, parents can watch for symptoms that their child is miserable.
“What you’re going to start seeing from these kids is absolutely no engagement in the activity,” she says. “When they are doing it, they are going to look miserable, they’re going to act miserable, and they really are miserable.”

In her clinical experience, she has witnessed children who consistently act out to get out of an activity: they pick a fight with their parents right before getting in the car, stomp back inside, and lock themselves in their room.
Dean was clear that this is different from occasional acting out or laziness, which happens with many kids who just need an extra push. She says parents should watching for regular efforts by kids to sabotage their participation in an activity by acting out.

Other children may not act out; they’ll simply show signs that they are unhappy. They aren’t interested in the sport when they’re not playing, they don’t have friends on the team or in a class, or they don’t go out of their way to learn more.
“Kids will also feel sick. They’ll say, ‘I don’t feel good. I have a stomach ache. I feel sick.’ I have a couple of patients, actually, who would get so sick before they had to do sports [that they would] vomit …” shares Dean.

Ultimately, parents should remember to put their child’s’ best interests first. A little push from parents can be great motivation for a child, according to Dean, but prioritizing your own interests over the child’s is a whole different beast.
Children are their own people, and they should never be required to emulate their parents’ lifestyles when it isn’t in their best interest.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was the quintessential first-time parent. At the turn of my third trimester, I outlined my list of to-dos, and “interview pediatricians” was near the top. I believed, and still do, that a family’s pediatrician is part of their parenting team, part of their village. They need to be there for us in good and bad, sickness and health; finding a provider you trust and understand is crucial.
In the weeks leading up to my daughter’s birth, I met with three pediatricians, and I asked questions. I listened. I waited for a connection. And then I chose.

Your child’s care is my priority, and that’s all that really matters.

For the first few years of my daughter’s life, my husband and I partnered with a pediatrician, a parent himself, in the Pacific Northwest. He was well-researched, didn’t stoke my first-time parent worries, and he even saw us through our first emergency room visit. To him, I’m forever thankful. He ushered me into motherhood and helped me find confidence in myself while offering me the support I needed to properly oversee my daughter’s health.
As a parent, how do you find that partnership? Do you need to interview multiple pediatricians like I did? Maybe. But now, as a mother of four, I actually think the most important thing is learning how to help your chosen pediatrician help your child.

There are a few things we as parents can do to get on the same page as our care provider. In the sections that follow, a number of pediatricians and experts from the pediatric field will chime in with tips that will allow them to better aid each of us in caring for our littlest loved ones.

Stop doing your own research online.

We employ pediatricians for a reason: they’re experts! In fact, they go to school for at least 11 years. So, when you’re tempted to consult Google, know that you’re most likely fueling your worry with misleading information, and it’s not even close to the help 11 years’ worth of education can provide.

“As doctors … we strongly advise not looking up symptoms or situations online, as many of those sources aren’t reputable, and you will never truly know the depth of any health situation without proper medical processes,” says Constantine George, MD, a Las Vegas-based pediatrician.
Becky Johnson, a pediatric medical assistant, echoes George’s concern: “Sometimes it is very frustrating because [parents] will come in loaded with their Dr. Google information… [They are] so certain that they’re correct [that] they end up not wanting to listen to the doctor tell them otherwise, and a lot of the time they want a lot of unnecessary tests done on their child.”

I’ll confess, I’ve been that parent who typed my concerns into Google before calling my pediatrician’s office for an appointment. I think part of me doesn’t want to bother them if it’s not a big deal. Then, thanks to Google, I don’t sleep all night because my child either has a viral rash…or cancer.
Mohan Rayala, MD, a Massachusetts-based pediatrician, doesn’t want parents to ever feel like they’re a bother: “Come in and get your child checked out and ensure your peace of mind. Your physician is on your side and wants to work for what is best for you and your children.”
I, of all people, need to remember that.

Bring a list of questions to each appointment.

Multiple pediatricians I spoke to stressed the importance of preparing a list of questions you hope to discuss at your appointment.

Nerissa Bauer, MD, a pediatrician in Indianapolis, takes it a step further and encourages parents to prioritize that list: “By honing in on what’s most important, you and the doctor can tackle your biggest concerns first and make the most of the scheduled appointment time.”

In addition to questions, a detailed timeline or diary of issues provides data which doctors can use to more quickly diagnose, saving you time and money while getting your child back on track. Prepare for doctor’s appointments as if they were a work meeting where you’ll be collaborating with an expert for maximum results.

Don’t be afraid to get personal.

Growing up, I always admired how much effort my pediatrician took in getting to know me and my sisters. She not only knew our health history, but she recalled our dog’s name, knew where we had recently traveled, and always had insight into our hobbies.

The medical field might not be like the old school home-visit days, but pediatricians still love getting to know their patients. After all, a good relationship between patient and provider results in better care, reported the Harvard Business Review.

Know that doctors have no idea what anything costs.

Well, they have an awareness, but it definitely isn’t their primary concern. That’s why each office has staff committed to billing and liaisons willing to help parents get the care their children need—regardless of cost.

“Medication [expenses] are very difficult, thanks to insurance companies. The covered and preferred medication lists change on a regular basis. One month, something is covered; the next, it isn’t,” Johnson, our trusty pediatric medical assistant, says. “We encourage our patients to let us know if there is a problem, so that we can try something different. Sometimes when I have to verbally call in a medication, I’ll ask if it is covered by they’re insurance and how much it costs before finalizing it.”

In the end, parents are responsible for understanding their insurance policy and out-of-pocket expenses.

Trust your nurse.

They might not be able to give the final diagnosis, but nurses and other support staff see a lot, and thus, know a lot.

“I feel it is a trust system between doctor and nurse/assistant,” says Johnson. “We know our limits of knowledge. And our doctors trust that we will run things by them if we’re unsure and need clarification on something.”

They can help with more than coughs and colds.

“Up to 50 percent of the questions and concerns parents bring up are behavioral,” Bauer says. She provides three very distinct ways parents and providers can partner to make strides in resolving those issues:

1. “Ask for help outside of the clinic! I frequently makes phone calls to patients’ schools (with parent permission) or even do school observations to discuss behavioral issues and help craft action plans. And sometimes, the behavior issue isn’t a problem at school: I help parents make changes at home in those cases.”
2. “Don’t be afraid to tell the doctor what you really want to get from the appointment. You will get better advice. If a child isn’t sleeping well, the doctor’s first instinct might be to work on improving the bedtime routine. But if the family’s priority is reducing overall stress (caused by crabbiness and lack of sleep), that’s an important distinction that I can work on right away.”
3. “Adult anxiety and depression, and even postpartum depression, can impact kids’ behavior. Part of each appointment is spent asking parents how they are doing. If mom or dad is not coping well, I wants to know that. Many times, kids’ behavior issues are resolved by getting the parent the help they need.”

They want you to practice good health habits, too.

Zeshan Qureshi, a London-based pediatrician, reveals his biggest pet peeve when it comes to parents: “Smoking.”
“I completely understand that it’s extremely difficult to give up smoking,” he says, “but I don’t think parents are fully aware of its consequences. Right from the beginning, it increases the risk of stillbirth and miscarriage. Carrying on, it increases [the chance] of a newborn baby [passing away]. Most commonly, I see it in the context of chest infections and asthma. Parents tell me they smoke outside, but the smoke is still on their clothes.”

“They then say they change their clothes, but its still on their body,” says Qureshi. “They then say they shower, but it’s still in their lungs, and you can’t wash your lungs. I know it’s difficult, but the best thing you can do for your child’s health, as a mother or a father, is give up smoking—right from the moment you are trying to have a baby.”

A doctor’s office is really busy.

“Mondays and Fridays are always the worst,” says Johnson, “The ‘post-weekend and ‘Oh-no-the-weekend-is-coming’ crowds.”

Actual numbers fluctuate anywhere from 15 appointments to 30, she says, with the cold weather season being the worst due to increased breathing complications. That’s why it’s so important to arrive on time for appointments and have your list of questions and concerns ready when you have the doctor’s attention.

If we don’t get along, it’s okay to part ways.

Not every doctor–patient duo is going to mesh, so if you have found your family at a practice that isn’t working for some reason, it’s okay to end the relationship and move on.

I learned this during my pediatrician interviewing days. The doctor I ended up deciding to see long term closed our initial Q+A with a sentiment along these lines: “If you choose me, I’ll be happy to have you, but if we aren’t a good fit now, or anytime in the future, don’t worry! Your child’s care is my priority, and that’s all that really matters.”