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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

How To Travel With Kids And (Mostly) Enjoy It

Let’s be honest. Anyone who calls traveling with kids a “vacation” is delusional. That is called a “trip”—especially when the children are really little. No more lounging for hours with a cocktail by the pool and napping as the sun sets. No more gallivanting around a city, wandering aimlessly through museums, and popping in for a quick cocktail at 4 p.m.
But! Traveling with kids can also be loads of fun. It’s important to have time away from regular life to be together, especially if one or both parents work a lot. Setting aside these days or weeks is vital for the health of the family unit, and shows the kids—and your partner!—that they are a priority. You never know what new parts of your kids or spouse you’ll discover when you’re on a totally new adventure.

When should I travel with my kids?

We went on our first trip with our daughter when she was 6 weeks old, and it was surprisingly easy. She could sleep and eat anywhere and was no trouble to carry around. The hardest time to travel with a kid is between about 9 months and 2 years, when they don’t have their own airplane seat, can’t really watch TV, and just want to move all the time. This is not to say that travel with kids can’t be fun—just that the journey probably won’t be easy.
The best way to stay sane when you travel with small kids is to keep some semblance of a schedule. Do not throw out the nap. Do not stay out all hours of the night, expecting the kid to fall asleep on your lap at a fancy restaurant. These plans will most likely backfire. The kind of trip you have with a toddler will not resemble any other kind of vacation you’ve taken before or will again—so just embrace its limits and go small: a beach, a lake, an all-inclusive. Think of it as a particular kind of family time.
There seems to be a sweet spot starting around age 3 or 4, going up to about age 13. Older kids are a total blast to travel with—they have the energy and stamina to go, go, go. But they can also sit peacefully in a restaurant without throwing food. Some kinds of vacations are better suited to certain ages, but mostly it depends on your own family values.

Finding Childcare

There are lots of options for getting a night out on the town sans kids when you’re away—but remember, it’ll cost you.
A few recs: Some all-inclusive resorts will offer babysitting for a small additional fee, so you can factor that into the cost of your travel. Bonus: You don’t have to go out searching for a reliable sitter! They’re right there! Alternately, if you’re not doing an all-inclusive, you can look on sites like Care.com or UrbanSitter for vetted sitters (rather than a total stranger!), so you can have a little more peace of mind.
If you have very little kids, consider bringing your own sitter along: How much help will you want? What will the childcare options already there cost you? If you think you’ll need more help than one night out with your partner—if you’re going to want another set of hands—this might be the more financially sound option.
Or! My personal fave: Travel with another family. It’s a win-win: The parents have friends to hang out with, and the kids have friends to keep them busy. You can swap out date nights or share the cost of a sitter.

Where should I travel with kids?

Each family has its own particular rhythms and desires. My husband, for instance, loathes the idea of going to the beach for a week, but for others, this is a dream vaca—easy, calming, low key. He also hates going the same place two years in a row. But for a lot of families, going on the same vacation summer after summer (or winter after winter) is comfortable; you know what to expect and can plan accordingly. Sometimes the kids even make lifelong friends.
Here are some time-tested options for families:

The Beach (and/or Any Big Body of Water)

“Entertainment for hours for the kids, and parents can sit in the sun,” says Rachel Graves, mom of two boys in Portland, Oregon. “This is especially great if you can get a rental ON the beach, so no packing up the car is required! It’s easy to go back for lunch and naps. Bonus if there’s also a pool!”
Joyce Bernas, who has two young girls in Montreal, agrees: “I won’t go anywhere with kids unless there is a pool or swimmable beach,” she says. “No matter what else is around you, you know you have an activity the kids will love and not get tired of day after day. It’s basically my fail-safe back-up plan. You will also likely find other families to occupy your kids.”
Some faves: Kauai, Hawaii; Wellfleet, Massachusetts; Malibu, California.

A City

This one is not for the faint of heart. But if you love restaurants, museums, walking tours, and shows, this is the best way to go. This is a trip that is more manageable with older kids (think 5 or 6 and up) and/or a singleton. “We went to Seattle last summer,” says Kim Morchower, mom of 4- and 6-year-olds in L.A. “The Airbnb was affordable and nice. There were lots of things to do with kids: lake, hiking, museums, parks. Great town, perfect family trip.” New York City is always a blast, as are European cities—think Paris, Amsterdam, Vienna—which are extremely walkable.
Some faves: New York City, Paris, Amsterdam, Austin, Seattle, Portland, Nashville.

A Cruise

Okay, to some this might sound like a nightmare, but to others it’s bliss: everything all in one place! A pool, views of water for miles, and activities galore. “We took our toddler on a cruise with extended family and loved it!” says Ginette Sze of Montreal. “It’s relatively clean and safe, and there’s so much good food available at all hours, and waves to rock you to sleep, and occasions to dress up fancy for a change. Some cruises have activities and programming for youth.”

Disneyland or Disney World (and Other Theme Parks)

“I took my 5-year-old to Disney world in January, and it was amazing,” says Sze, “but it wasn’t a restful vacation by any means. It was magical but also a constant obstacle course of boutiques and crap for sale and the food was ugh. We used FastPass+ to avoid some long waits, but it requires advance planning. The thing that’s the most fun about theme parks that I always recommend is the water parks (which is not included in Disney passes, by the way). They are truly fantastic. I have so many wonderful childhood memories at water parks.”

Camping

“Camping is great IF both kids are walking and there are nearby attractions like a lake or river,” says Grave. “But it’s a terrible idea with infants/non-walkers or bad sleepers.” Betsy Uhrman, a mom of two in L.A., adds: “When possible, we prefer group sites with no other sites nearby. Both for privacy and for when small children wake at random hours of the night … I feel less badly (though still feel badly) about disturbing people I know.”
Some faves: Bandido Campground in Santa Clarita, California; Sequoia National Park.

Skiing

“We’ve taken winter snow trips to Lake Tahoe two years in a row and stayed at Granlibakken Ski and Sled Area,” says Jessica Lattiff, mom of two boys. “Kids have a blast, and there’s stuff for grownups to enjoy, too. Really good breakfast included in the room rate, sled rentals and two different hills for kids, a small ski area where they can take beginner lessons, plus a heated pool, hot tub, sauna, and spa services.”
Some faves: Granlibakken Ski Resort.

The All-Inclusive

Who doesn’t want absolutely everything taken care of? No searching for food, activities, sitters—the all-inclusive, although often quite pricey, can be worth it. “Kinderhotels” in Austria are a prime example—they provide all-day childcare (including separate meals!) for guests.   
Some faves: Franklyn D. Resort in Jamaica, Kinderhotel Almhof in Austria.

Luxury

We know, we know. Not with kids! But what if you can? Tots Too offers myriad luxury family vacations all over Europe and beyond.

Choosing Accommodations

Ah, hotels: They used to be so luxurious and lovely. Breakfast in bed. Room service. Someone to make your bed in the morning…
With kids, this scenario is a little different. Usually you only have one room, so if one kid needs to sleep, where will the other kid go (and stay quiet)? Do you want to worry about waking the neighbor at 5 a.m.? And what if you need to put the kid down at 7 p.m. but want to eat, too?
But there are still perks to hotels, usually in the form of a pool and breakfast, and sometimes childcare.
When traveling with kids, Airbnb is usually a great option—but always check the reviews. The last thing you need when traveling with kids is to find yourself in a place that bears no resemblance to the pictures! What a rented apartment (or house) will give you is more flexibility, and it might end up being cheaper. You can cook meals, stock the fridge, and have more space to move about on your own schedule.
Kid & Coe offers amazing homes that are equipped with stuff for kids! You can specify your desires (pool, beach, best for kindergarteners, best for babies) and voila! Everything is already there for you!

Tips for Travel With Kids

Plan, plan, plan.

Gone are the days of booking a flight a week before and winging it. Have at least one plan/destination for each day, keeping naptime and bedtime schedules in mind.

Stay (sort of) on schedule.

This is especially true if you have a napper. Do not expect the kid to nap on cue wherever you are. If you want to avoid daily meltdowns, plan your days as you would at home, with a big activity in the morning, followed by lunch and a nap. If you have a second (or third) kid who doesn’t nap, use that time to rest or have a little one-on-one adventure.

Partner up.

Some of our best family vacations were with other families. It’s a win–win! The kids have friends to play with and so do the parents.

Make sure everyone is getting their needs met—at least a bit.

It’s unlikely that you’ll plan a vacation that is perfect for every single family member at all times, but the best way to make travel with kids work is to make sure that everyone gets to choose at least one or two parts of the trip. Don’t love museums but your husband does? Okay, so go to one, or let him go alone while you take the kids out for ice cream so he can enjoy it in peace.

Divide and conquer.

You do not need to be together all the time. Especially if you have more than one kid, consider doing activities in pairs or even letting each parent have at least one morning or afternoon to him- or herself.

Pack snacks.

A whiny, hungry child is no fun for anyone, ever.

Put away your phone.

Really, stop working.
Traveling with kids can be absolutely magical. Just remember: It’s a trip, not a vacation. It’ll be exhausting and incredible—and, let’s be honest, you’ll probably need an actual vacation soon after. So try to save a little moolah for a weekend away with your honey.
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Categories
In the Kitchen Nosh

4 Easy Crock-Pot Recipes That Are Perfect For Any Occasion

Crock-Pots have gotten a bad rap in recent years, thanks in part to some of the seriously retro recipes that used to be par for the course in vintage Crock-Pot cookbooks (think such delicacies as Hot Dog…Perfection!, Stuffed Beef Heart, and Rice ’N Clams).
But slow-cooking expert Stephanie O’Dea thinks this reputation isn’t entirely deserved. The New York Times best-selling author is a massive fan of cooking with Crock-Pots, if you couldn’t tell from the titles of some of her books: 365 Slow Cooker Suppers, Make It Fast, Cook It Slow, and Five Ingredients or Less Slow Cooker Cookbook.
O’Dea explains:  

I think that people think of old school methods when they think of slow cooking, when recipes would call for a can of Campbell’s soup and a packet of dry soup mix. But the new school methods are all about clean healthy food and ingredients. You can make healthy food in the slow cooker and you aren’t losing any ingredients. Everything is contained. For example, you can make a roast chicken in the slow cooker and you don’t even have to add any extra liquid or salt, just your favorite seasonings.

The hands-off nature of slow cooking also appeals to O’Dea. As she notes, “Slow cookers are great because you can taste and stir as you go, thanks to its long cooking time. You can be absent minded with a slow cooker and not worry about leaving it alone. If you’re having a dinner party you can make your meal ahead of time and then enjoy a glass of wine and relax.”
In other words, it’s time to let your Crock-Pot do the work so you can spend more time relaxing and doing the things you love. So let’s get started!

The Difference Between a Crock-Pot and a Slow Cooker

Essentially, both appliances are slow cookers; Crock-Pot is a specific brand of slow cooker. Both appliances have the same function: They use moist heat to cook food (and drinks!) over a prolonged period using different heat settings. Crock-Pots have three settings: low (200° F), high (300° F), and warm (which isn’t a cooking setting, it literally just keeps everything warm), whereas slow cookers can have up to five different heat settings.
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Crock-Pots and slow cookers are both made up of a ceramic cooking vessel, a heating element, and a glass lid; Crock-Pots heat from all sides, and slow cookers heat from the bottom element only. The appliances, however, are similar enough that they can be used interchangeably.

General Tips for Cooking With a Crock-Pot

  • Cook onions and garlic in a skillet before adding them to the Crock-Pot with the rest of the ingredients to prevent overwhelming the recipe with an acrid and sulfuric flavor.
  • Sarah Olson, author of The Magical Slow Cooker: Recipes for Busy Moms and the creator of the blog The Magical Slow Cooker, says, “I like to add the dairy products such as cream cheese or heavy cream at the end of the cooking time to prevent curdling.”
  • Don’t overfill your Crock-Pot. Aim for half or two-thirds full at most.
  • When trying out a new Crock-Pot recipe for the first time, have a trial run while you’re in the house. This way you can periodically check that the suggested time and temperature are appropriate for your appliance.

Some Unexpected Crock-Pot Ideas

One of O’Dea’s favorite Crock-Pot dishes is fish in parchment, which she says “cooks up beautifully in the slow cooker!” She is also a big fan of making baked mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes in her trusty Crock-Pot.
Olson loves to make salsa in her slow cooker: “I add Roma tomatoes, onions, jalapeños, and canned tomatoes to my slow cooker. After those veggies are cooked and tender I add them to a blender with cilantro and seasonings. It always surprises people when they try my salsa that it was made in the slow cooker.”

What Not to Cook in a Crock-Pot

Crock-Pots can do a lot. But for reasons of taste, texture, and even safety, there are still several foods that you shouldn’t use.
O’Dea cautions against cooking hard boiled eggs in the Crock-Pot: “Hard boiled eggs do not work. You end up with a stinky mess in the kitchen!”
Olson doesn’t cook kidney beans in the Crock-Pot, as “they have a toxin in them that slow cooking doesn’t remove.”
In general, uncooked ground beef shouldn’t be added directly to a Crock-Pot because it can clump together. However, O’Dea notes that for some recipes (such as meatloaf), this can be a desirable result.
Rice or pasta aren’t ideal for the Crock-Pot, Olson notes: “The slow cooker doesn’t get hot enough to ‘boil’ these ingredients and can leave them chalky and mushy. I often use parboiled rice such as Minute brand rice, which does very well in the slow cooker.”
It’s also important to avoid overcooking meat in the slow cooker. Chicken is especially prone to becoming stringy if cooked for longer than 6 hours. Tougher cuts of meat, such as the pork used to make pulled pork, are fine if cooked for a prolonged period.

What You Should Cook in a Crock-Pot

Slow Cooker Overnight Oats

Steel cut oats have a lot going for them as a breakfast food; with their pleasantly chewy texture, high protein and fiber count, and low glycemic index, they’re a surefire winner in terms of staying satiated and energized until lunch time. The only problem is that steel cut oats take anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes to cook on the stove, an amount of time that isn’t always practical first thing in the morning.
These overnight steel cut oats come together in a matter of minutes, because your slow cooker does the work while you sleep. Waking up to the smell of cinnamon-spiced oats has never been easier; all you need to do is pick out your favorite toppings!
Note: Slow cooker oats are very sticky and have the potential to burn around the edges if cooked too long or at too high a temperature. These problems can be prevented by coating the sides and bottom of the slow cooker with a very liberal application of nonstick cooking spray. If possible, give the oats a trial run on a day that you can keep a careful watch to determine the best total cooking time so that you can accurately calibrate the settings when using the slow cooker overnight.

Yields:

4–6 servings

Ingredients:

  • Nonstick cooking spray
  • 1 cup steel cut oats
  • 3 cups water
  • 1½ cups whole milk (or your favorite dairy-free milk)
  • 1 tsp. cinnamon
  • 1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
  • Pinch of kosher salt
  • 2 Tbsp. ground flaxseed meal (optional)*
  • 2 Tbsp. hemp seeds (optional)*
  • 2 Tbsp. chia seeds (optional)*

*These seeds aren’t necessary, but they add an extra-chewy texture along with fiber, omega-3 fatty acids, and antioxidants.

Topping Inspiration:

Brown sugar, maple syrup, shredded coconut, dried fruit, cooked apple or pear slices, honey, candied ginger, cream, walnuts, almonds, applesauce, and any other favorite oatmeal toppings

Special equipment:

  • Slow cooker
  • Measuring cups and spoons
  • Spatula

Method:

  1. Measure and pour all ingredients directly into the slow cooker.
  2. Mix gently with a spatula until combined.
  3. Place the lid on the slow cooker and set for 7 hours on low or 4 hours on high.

In the morning, add your favorite toppings and enjoy!
This recipe can also be portioned out and stored in the fridge (up to a week) or freezer (up to 3 months). Add a tablespoon or two of milk or cream and defrost in the microwave before serving.

Crock-Pot Vegan Butternut Squash and Barley Risotto

Cooking rice in the Crock-Pot can lead to a mushy mess—the total opposite texture of perfectly cooked risotto. Fortunately, barley can be used in place of the rice and will remain al dente (“to the tooth”) even after being cooked for several hours. The butternut squash begins to break down and gives the faux risotto a velvety texture in place of cream or cheese (in fact, this recipe will please even the most obstinate omnivores).
This vegan risotto is best served fresh from the Crock-Pot. Leftovers can be reheated in the microwave, but they won’t have the same creamy texture as before. Don’t skip stirring in the sherry vinegar at the end; it’s the secret ingredient that makes this recipe pop!

Yields:

4 servings

Ingredients:

  • Nonstick cooking spray
  • 1½ cups pot barley
  • 3 Tbsp. olive oil
  • 4 shallots, minced
  • 3 cloves garlic, minced
  • 3 cups butternut squash, diced (frozen is fine)
  • 1 tsp. dried sage
  • 4–5 sprigs fresh thyme
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 1 tsp. kosher salt
  • 1 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
  • 6 cups vegetable broth
  • 2 tsp. sherry vinegar
  • Fresh parsley, finely chopped (for garnish)

Special equipment:

  • Crock-Pot
  • Sharp chef’s knife
  • Cutting board
  • Skillet
  • Measuring cups and spoons
  • Wooden or silicone long-handled spoon

Method:

  1. Heat the olive oil over medium heat and sauté the shallots until translucent. Stir in the garlic and butternut squash. Continue to cook for 6 to 8 minutes or until softened. Set aside.
  2. Generously spray the sides and bottom of the Crock-Pot with nonstick cooking spray.
  3. Add the pre-cooked shallots, garlic, and butternut squash to the Crock-Pot, then the pot barley, sage, thyme, bay leaf, salt, pepper, and vegetable broth.
  4. Set the Crock-Pot to cook on low heat for 8 hours. If you can, give the risotto a few stirs as it’s cooking to prevent sticking.
  5. Check on the risotto in the last hour; it may not need the full cooking time. Ideally, the vegetable stock will have been absorbed and the barley will be soft but still slightly chewy.
  6. Remove the woody fresh thyme sprigs and bay leaf. Stir in the sherry vinegar and taste, adjusting seasonings as needed.
  7. Serve butternut squash barley risotto while piping hot, garnished with fresh parsley.

Crock-Pot Vegetarian Chili

Fans of vegetarian chili will be overjoyed by how easily this homemade Crock-Pot version comes together. This recipe makes a large amount, making it ideal for leftovers and batch cooking. Serve this chili with traditional toppings, use it to top baked sweet potatoes, or make a healthier version of chili cheese fries using baked potato wedges.
This vegetarian chili can be portioned out and frozen for up to 3 months; just make sure the chili comes to room temperature before transferring to the freezer.

Yields:

8–10 servings

Ingredients:

  • 2 Tbsp. olive oil
  • 1 small cooking onion
  • 4–5 cloves of garlic
  • 2 Tbsp. chili powder
  • ¼ tsp. cinnamon
  • 1 Tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1 Tbsp. dried cumin
  • 1 or 2 jalapeño peppers (remove seeds and white pith for less heat)
  • 1 serrano chili
  • 1 small zucchini sliced into quarter moon–shaped pieces
  • 1 green pepper, diced
  • 1 red pepper, diced
  • 1 medium-sized sweet potato or yam, peeled and diced
  • 1 15-oz can kidney beans*
  • 1 15-oz can pinto beans*
  • 2 28-oz cans diced tomatoes
  • 1½ cups tomato juice
  • Kosher salt, to taste

*Alternatively, you can use 4 cups total of cooked, dried beans.

Optional toppings:

Greek yogurt or sour cream, guacamole, salsa, shredded cheese

Special equipment:

  • Crock-Pot
  • Sharp chef’s knife
  • Cutting board
  • Measuring cups and spoons
  • Skillet
  • Wooden or silicone long-handled spoon

Method:

  1. Heat the olive oil in a skillet over medium heat, adding the onion, garlic, chili powder, cinnamon, unsweetened cocoa powder, and cumin. Sauté for 8 to 10 minutes or until the onion has softened and become translucent. Set aside.
  2. Add all of the remaining ingredients to the Crock-Pot with the exception of the kosher salt. Heat on low for 8 hours or on high for 4 hours until the chili has thickened and all of the ingredients are fully cooked.
  3. Taste the chili to check seasoning, adding kosher salt as needed.
  4. Serve the chili immediately, topping with any or all of the suggestions above. This chili can be stored in the fridge for up to 4 days or frozen for up to 3 months.

Crock-Pot Hot Chocolate

This recipe for Crock-Pot hot chocolate is perfect for cozy days and chilly nights, and it’s simple enough for aspiring young chefs to make with minimal supervision. This hot chocolate might not be considered virtuous (it is, after all, largely made of cream and chocolate chips), but its creamy richness makes it a memorable once-in-a-while treat.
Looking for more hot chocolate variations? White, dark, and mint chocolate chips (or a combination) can be subbed for the milk chocolate chips. If serving this to adults, the addition of Bailey’s or Irish whiskey will make sipping on this hot chocolate a heavenly experience. Don’t skip the pinch of salt when following this recipe as it enhances the sweet chocolate flavors in the hot chocolate.

Yields:

8 servings

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups whipping cream
  • 1 14-oz can sweetened condensed milk
  • 6 cups whole milk
  • 2 cups milk chocolate chips
  • 1 vanilla bean, cut in half lengthwise or 1 Tbsp. pure vanilla extract
  • Pinch of salt

Optional toppings:

Whipped cream, marshmallows, chocolate chips, crushed candy canes

Special equipment:

  • Crock-Pot
  • Measuring cups
  • Can opener
  • Paring knife
  • Small cutting board
  • Ladle
  • Mugs

Method:

  1. Combine all of the ingredients in the Crock-Pot except for the vanilla bean—if using; otherwise add the pure vanilla extract here. Stir well to combine.
  2. Using a paring knife, scrape the little black seeds in the vanilla bean onto a small cutting board and then add them to the Crock-Pot.
  3. Set the Crock-Pot to low and cook for 2 hours, stirring occasionally so that all the ingredients melt together. Once the hot chocolate is ready, change the Crock-Pot setting to warm until it’s ready to be served.
  4. Ladle the hot chocolate into mugs and add any or all of the suggested toppings.

Crock-Pots are here to stay.

Consider your Crock-Pot your new best friend in the kitchen. Once you begin exploring all of the different uses for this simple appliance, you’ll find yourself wondering how you ever managed without one.
With all the extra time you have now that you don’t have to stand by the stove, you can check out O’Dea’s and Olson’s books for Crock-Pot inspiration or peruse any of the dozens of food blogs dedicated entirely to the slow-cooking lifestyle.

Categories
Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

What Being Emotionally Unavailable Means (And How To Deal)

If you’ve ever found yourself dating a partner who’s emotionally unavailable, you know how confusing and frustrating it can be to take the relationship to a deeper level. It doesn’t matter how much fun you two seem to have together—somehow he or she still struggles to share their true feelings, commit to plans, or develop emotional intimacy with you. What’s going on?
“It’s like a roller coaster. You might think, ‘We’re in love, the sex is amazing,’ but then your partner just pulls back. He or she may desperately want that deeper connection with you, but for whatever reason lacks the tools to interact in that way,” explains Shirani Pathak, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of the Center for Soulful Relationships.
Emotional unavailability is a real thing—not just some vague way to dismiss a relationship that’s not working out. But just because your crush is emotionally distant doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed to fail.
A little understanding of the psychology of attachment (plus some strategic communication techniques) can go a long way toward healthy romance.

What’s the deal with being emotionally unavailable?

So you’ve found yourself with someone who just can’t commit: They ghost in the middle of texting, they pull back every time things seem to be moving in the right direction, and they get evasive when you ask too many personal details about their life. What’s the deal?
They might be emotionally unavailable.
This level of availability (and stagnancy!) directly relates to attachment style. Most of the population has a secure attachment style, which means they don’t fear intimacy and connection, says Pathak. These people tend to form healthy, fulfilling relationships.
The remaining 50 percent of people fall primarily into two other attachment style categories: anxious and avoidant. Clingy people who grip a little too tightly on relationships have an anxious attachment style. On the other end of the spectrum is the avoidant attachment style. This is where you tend to find emotionally unavailable men and women.
“People with avoidant attachment style do not want anything to do with intimacy. They’ll date frequently and have a lot of one-night stands and break a lot of hearts. They just always have that wall up,” says Pathak.
They’re opposites, but people with avoidant attachment styles tend to attract those with the anxious version, adds Pathak. A relationship between these two amplifies the weakness of both styles.
“One’s trying to flee the relationship while the other’s trying hard to hold on to it. It really can trigger each other’s buttons,” she says.

If they’re emotionally unavailable, why do they keep coming back?

The most confusing part of finding yourself with an emotionally unavailable person is that every time you accept that the relationship isn’t working out, he or she somehow comes back into the picture. This time it will work, right? You hope, but often you find yourself back at square one just a couple weeks later.
If they’re not emotionally available, why do they keep coming back?
They’re not doing it to torture you (even though that might be the effect). The fact is that the very things that make a relationship amazing—connecting on a deep level, making plans for the future, integrating your lives in a more holistic way—scare emotionally unavailable people.
“The circuitry in the brain of a person that deals with the avoidant attachment style causes a big red alert when they start to come close to intimacy,” says Pathak. “They pull back but then start to miss their partner, so they might come back again when they start to feel lonely.”
Hence why you might wake up to that 2 a.m. text from that guy with whom you swore it was over, asking if you’re up. Your invitation for him to be a date to your friend’s wedding a couple weeks ago totally freaked him out, but now that the thing that triggered his “fight or flight” response is in the past, he’s ready to give it another try. But is that the right move for you?

What are your options when dating someone who’s emotionally unavailable?

The success of any relationship is dependent on patience and meeting your partner where they are. But is it possible for a relationship to ever grow into a long and fruitful partnership if the person you’re seeing is emotionally unavailable?
“Well, it really depends on where you get your fulfillment from,” explains Pathak. “If you’re in a relationship with an emotionally distant person, you have to realize that you’re trying to get everything from someone who doesn’t have everything to give.”
A strong support network outside of your romantic life is essential if you want to make things work with someone who’s emotionally unavailable. You’ll need to find ways to get more of your needs met outside of the relationship in order to give your partner the comfortable space he or she needs.
“Can you be okay with that? There are many people out there who are fine with that, and they actually like having more time to hang with their friends. But others really want to be with someone who’s more present,” says Pathak.
While attachment styles can change over time, it’s dangerous to build a relationship on the assumption that your partner will evolve past their emotional distance. Don’t try to force it. Instead, create conditions that gently nudge your sweetheart to open up.
“Research shows that it can be helpful to engage in other activities, like hiking, golfing, or ice skating, when you’re trying to access that emotional side. The physical activity helps distract the person from the fact that they typically want to stay away, allowing them to potentially connect,” says Pathak.
It’s not unreasonable for you to expect your partner to be available when you really need them, though. Open and direct communication about what you need—and when—can clue your emotionally distant partner into the fact that they need to step it up at critical moments.
“It can be hard to ask and state your needs. But if you need comfort and an embrace, you need to express that. If your partner is able to do those things and that works for you, great! But if not, it’s time to re-evaluate if this is the right relationship for you,” advises Pathak.
People can eventually overcome emotional unavailability. It’s a matter of whether it’s worth the patience and effort required and if your partner is able to meet your basic needs in the meantime. If you need to step away from the relationship, that’s perfectly understandable—take an honest look at your life and what makes sense for you right now.

What are the red flags that signal someone is emotionally unavailable?

Dating is hard enough as it is. The last thing we need is to end up with people who are emotionally unavailable, over and over again. It might be time for you to throw in the towel on trying to connect with people who can’t be intimate. Watch out for the biggest red flags that someone is emotionally unavailable.
“They tend to play those games, like waiting three days to call someone back or suggesting you’re needy if you call them back right away. Game-playing is indicative of someone who’s emotionally unavailable,” says Pathak.
As you’re getting to know someone you’re dating, pay attention to how they talk about themselves: Does he or she seem to open up? Do they talk about personal details of their lives, their hopes, their dreams? Or do they give cursory answers and move on to less intimate topics? Evasiveness is one of the biggest signs of emotionally unavailable men and women.
Similarly, if they seem cold or uninterested in learning about what makes you tick, they might not be in a place where they can relate to others on an intimate level right now. Qualities that demonstrate that someone you’re dating has big walls up all indicate emotional unavailability—and signs that it might be time to move on ASAP.

Why do you keep dating emotionally unavailable people?

Everyone has that one friend who always seems to find herself with someone who’s emotionally unavailable. Maybe that person is you. Why does this keep happening?
“If you find yourself constantly attracting emotionally unavailable partners, it’s probably because you are emotionally unavailable. We attract what we give out,” says Pathak.
You don’t have to be forever alone, though. Start by learning about attachment styles and how they fit together. Pathak recommends picking up a copy of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, which does a deep dive into the psychology of attachment.
“When I started studying adult attachment styles, it was really life changing. It was the missing puzzle piece and all of a sudden, life made more sense,” says Pathak.
A psychologist or a therapist can also help you get to the bottom of why you’ve built walls around your heart and offer personalized strategies to tear them down.
But most of all, the best way to open yourself up to a deeply intimate relationship with someone else is by being really loving, gentle, and kind with yourself, says Pathak.
“That self-compassion piece is one of the most important aspects of dealing with being emotionally unavailable,” she says. “It’s about the fact that you just haven’t cultivated the right skillset yet—it’s not something to beat yourself up over. Have compassion and forgiveness for yourself for choosing relationships that don’t make sense, then go from there.”
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Categories
In the Kitchen Nosh

Vegetarian Meal Prep Ideas That’ll Make Your Life A Whole Lot Easier

Meal prep sounds great in theory—until you realize you didn’t buy everything you needed at the grocery store, you check the clock and realize you’ve spent your entire day in the kitchen, or you microwave the dish you made two days ago and are disappointed with how blah it tastes. When you’re a vegetarian or incorporating veg-only meals into your week, meal prep can cause even more headaches. How are you supposed to keep produce fresh all week long? How come the meatless options at your grocery store are lacking? And why does it seem like plant-based foods are always so pricey?
More and more people are adopting plant-based diets these days, whether they’re vegetarian—opting to eat eggs, cheese, milk, and honey, but no meat, fish, or poultry for example—or vegan—meaning they choose to forgo all animal products according to Michelle Smith, a registered dietitian and integrative health coach who follows a vegan lifestyle.
In fact, Baum+Whiteman, international food and restaurant consultants, predicted plant-based foods would be the top food trend of 2018. The Vegetarian Resource Group estimates that there are about eight million Americans who follow a vegetarian diet. In a Harris Poll the group conducted, 8 percent of participants said they eat one meatless meal a week, while 20 percent said they stick to a vegetarian meal plan about half the time, give or take.
It’s no wonder then that Meatless Mondays are still so popular. The Meatless Monday movement was started in 2003 by the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. The goal was to help Americans reduce their intake of saturated fat (which we get get almost solely from animal products) by going meatless just once a week. Research from Johns Hopkins found that because Monday is thought of as the beginning of the week, it would be the perfect day to convince people to make healthier choices. And there is a huge supportive community around this campaign—do a search for #MeatlessMondays on Facebook or Instagram and you’ll find plenty of Meatless Monday groups and vegetarian meal inspiration. “Meatless Monday is how I got started,” says Smith. “It’s a really great way to dip your toe into the pond of a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle.”
There are a few reasons why so many are turning to vegetarianism and veganism, but one the biggest is the idea that cutting out meat is healthier. And there’s definitely something to that. In 2015, the World Health Organization labeled processed meat and red meat as carcinogens since both types of meat have a strong correlation with certain cancers. Whether you want to incorporate more vegetarian meals into your life or you’re already a vegetarian full time, there are steps you can take to make meal prep easier. Here are vegetarian meal prep ideas to get you started.

10 Easy Vegetarian Meal Prep Tips That’ll Keep You Full All Week

The experts share their best tips so easy vegetarian meal prep can become a reality for you.

1. Formulate your plant-powered plan of attack.

“Personally, I love a great deal,” says Smith, who suggests looking at your local grocery store’s sales flyer and using that to determine what you’ll buy for the week. Once you narrow down your shopping list, find recipes that include these ingredients so that you’re not wandering around the supermarket aimlessly.

2. Cut corners with healthy prepared foods.

“Prepared foods will make your life easier,” says Smith. She recommends stocking your fridge with prepared hummus and salsa to spice up vegetarian meals with minimal effort.

3. Shop strategically.

Fresh produce is delicious, but it can spoil quickly. Plus, all that chopping you’ll have to do eats up time, especially if you’re a beginner in the kitchen. “When you’re just getting started, buy them frozen while you learn the ropes,” says Smith of fruits and veggies. Lauren Lobley, vegetarian chef and author of The Accidental Paleo, suggests looking for pre-cut veggies (such as zoodles) to cut down on your meal prep time.

4. Buy in bulk.

“One of the best cost-effective ingredients [is] canned beans, and you can even find organic ones,” says Melissa Eboli, certified nutritional chef and certified nutrition and wellness counselor. One struggle that vegetarians often face is getting enough protein, says Eboli, and eating beans is an easy way to bump up your intake (a half-cup serving of black beans has six grams of protein). You can even find canned beans in bulk at stores like Costco, says Smith. Eboli says you can throw beans into plenty of high-yielding vegetarian recipes, including salads and chilies.

5. Don’t procrastinate on your prep.

“Clean your produce immediately, chop everything up, and store it properly,” says Smith. “For me, that includes lettuce and cucumbers. That way I have no excuses when it’s time for lunch. My salad is ready to go.”
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6. Toss whatever you have into a bowl.

Lobley says that when she first went vegetarian, she used to throw together salads using anything she had on hand. “My dinner most nights used to be salads full of legumes, quinoa, avocado, olives, and olive oil—basically anything I could find in my fridge,” she says. Have quinoa laying around? It only takes 15 minutes to cook, says Smith, and you can add it to a bowl with black beans, salsa, and a frozen veggie, like broccoli.

7. Store salads properly.

“Keep your dressing on the side and add it to your salad right before you eat it,” says Eboli. “This helps to keep the buoyancy of the veggies.”

8. Prepare breakfast for the week on Sunday night.

“When it comes to preparing things ahead of time, I love overnight oats,” she says. “It takes under five minutes to prep.” All you have to do is combine oats and milk and place the container in your refrigerator before you go to bed.

9. Put your slow cooker to good use.

“One of my best recommendations is investing in a Crock-Pot,” says Smith. Just throw a bunch of ingredients into it in the morning and you’ll have dinner ready when you get home from work. Smith says two vegetarian recipes you should have in your back pocket are chili and curry. Both are customizable (you can add whatever beans, grains, and veggies you like best), can be made in a slow cooker, are super flavorful, and yield a ton of food.

10. Pack your freezer with leftovers.

Lobley suggests portioning out your leftovers into containers and popping them in the freezer so you can enjoy your meal again at a later date.

Your Vegetarian Meal Prep Shopping List

Wondering what to buy this week? Here’s a handy-dandy vegetarian meal prep shopping list.
Vegetarian Meal Prep Shopping List

3 Tasty Vegetarian Recipes That You Can Meal Prep

Now it’s time to get cooking! Here are easy breakfast, lunch, and dinner recipes courtesy of Smith that you can make ahead of time and enjoy for multiple days. While the following recipes each yield enough for four servings, you can easily double the amounts to make more!
[sol title=”Breakfast: Overnight Fruity Chia Seed Pudding” subheader=”Yield: 4 Servings”]

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups almond milk
  • 2 Tbsp. maple syrup
  • 6 Tbsp. chia seeds
  • 2 tsp. vanilla
  • 1 cup fresh fruit (such as strawberries, bananas, and blueberries)

Method:

  1. Combine everything except the fruit in a large bowl, making sure to mix completely.
  2. Refrigerate for an hour.
  3. Take out of fridge to mix well again, then put it back in.
  4. Store for at least another two hours so the pudding can set.
  5. Top with fresh fruit when you’re ready to eat.

[sol title=”Lunch: Black Bean and Lime Soup” subheader=”Yield: 4 Servings”]

Ingredients:

  • 1 Tbsp. olive oil
  • 1 cup shredded carrots
  • 1 cup sliced peppers
  • 2 small red onions, chopped
  • 3 cups water
  • ¼ cup quinoa, uncooked
  • 2 tsp. chili powder
  • 3 tsp. ground cumin
  • ½ cup corn
  • Two 15 oz cans of black beans, rinsed
  • ½ cup salsa
  • ¼ tsp. salt
  • Juice of one lime
  • 3 Tbsp. cilantro

Method:

  1. Heat oil in a medium-sized pot on medium heat.
  2. Add the onion, cooking until it’s transparent.
  3. Add the chili powder, cumin, salt, and salsa, cooking for a few minutes, still on medium heat.
  4. Add the beans, carrots, peppers, uncooked quinoa, corn, and water, bringing to a boil.
  5. Reduce the heat once the mixture reaches a boil, cover the pot, and cook for 15 minutes.
  6. Stir in the lime juice.
  7. For a creamier consistency, let the soup cool, then blend.

[sol title=”Dinner: Chickpea Burgers” subheader=”Yield: 4 Servings”]

Ingredients:

  • 15 oz cooked chickpeas, drained
  • ½ cup brown rice flour
  • 1 Tbsp. olive oil
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 2 tsp. black pepper
  • ½ tsp. ground cumin
  • 3 tsp. garlic powder
  • ½ tsp. chili powder
  • ½ Tbsp. parsley
  • 3 Tbsp. minced red onion
  • 1 large tomato, sliced
  • 1 cup greens
  • 4 burger buns
  • Ketchup to taste

Special Equipment:

  • Food processor

Method:

  1. Use a food processor to completely mash the chickpeas.
  2. In a large mixing bowl, combine the mashed chickpeas, spices, and parsley. Mix well.
  3. Add about ¼ cup of the flour to the mixture, working it in well. Then, add the remaining ¼ cup of flour. The mixture should be stiff enough not to spread or fall apart.
  4. If made ahead, store the mixture in the fridge so you can form and cook the patties just before you plan to eat.
  5. Remove the mixture from the fridge and form your patties (you should be able to make four).
  6. Heat the olive oil in a cast iron skillet. Once it’s warm, cook your patties for five minutes on each side.
  7. Let the patties cool.
  8. Assemble buns with lettuce, tomato, and ketchup.
Categories
Happy x Mindful Wellbeing

What Is Reiki? A Skeptic Dives In To Learn More (And Try It!)

Can shifting your body’s natural energy help you stay healthy and heal faster? Absolutely, according to practitioners of reiki, an Eastern technique in which a healer channels energy through a person’s body by placing their hands on and above your chakras.
While I try to be open minded about wellness (there’s no one path to self care!), I have to admit that I’ve always been skeptical about reiki. The idea of tapping into some invisible energy field just seemed too far fetched to be real.
I wrote off the practice as a scam and forgot about it until reiki started popping up everywhere. Everyone from Cameron Diaz and Angelina Jolie to Gwyneth Paltrow has reportedly been doing reiki. Even Jax Taylor from Vanderpump Rules calls it the highlight of his week!
Why do so many people swear by it?
I had to learn more, so I sought out some answers from Dana Carretta-Stein, a licensed mental health counselor at Peaceful Living wellness center in Scarsdale, New York. A certified reiki therapist, she uses the technique to help people with panic attacks, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other concerns.
“A lot of times, clients who have been through traumatic events have a hard time talking about it, so reiki helps me heal their emotional trauma and get them to relax and open up,” she says. “A lot of people experience relief after just one session.”
So reiki works for some people, but would it do anything for me? I had to get to the bottom of this healing technique—and put the practice (and my skepticism!) to the test during a session.

Before we go on, let’s level set. What is reiki?

“Reiki is hands-on energy healing. The practitioner uses their life force energy to heal blockages in the receiver. It’s about using our own healthy energy to cure someone else’s stagnant or blocked energy,” explains Carretta-Stein.
The word “reiki” comes from the Japanese words for spirit (rei) and vital force (ki), which loosely translates to universal life force. The technique stems from the theory of chakras, which are centers of spiritual energy that line our bodies. Supposedly, we have 114 chakras, of which seven are major (you might already be familiar with these if you practice yoga).
When the flow of energy between our chakras is blocked or imbalanced—which can be caused by stress, anxiety, conflict, and other negative emotions we experience every day—it shows up as other ailments in our bodies.
Got self-esteem issues? Headaches? Stomach pains? A low sex drive? Writer’s block? Blame your blocked chakras. Then schedule a reiki session to get it fixed, believers say.

How does reiki work?

Okay, so I get the philosophy, but how exactly does reiki work?
It all stems from something called “attunement,” the part of the training that activates the healing power of reiki in a practitioner’s hands, says Carretta-Stein.
“To become a reiki practitioner, you have to be trained by a reiki master who has gone through all three levels of training. The reiki master is able to attune your energy by putting his or her hands over your head to open up the crown chakra and align your energy with the highest good. By doing that, the practitioner can then help others,” she explains.
Once they have undergone attunement, a reiki practitioner can begin healing clients during sessions at spas and wellness centers by placing their hands on or above different chakras in need of attention. The healthy energy then transfers from the healer to the client’s body to clear their blockages.
“As I go over the troubled spots and set the intention of letting the life force energy from my body go into theirs, it can help heal trauma,” says Carretta-Stein.
The reiki practitioner may also use other healing modalities, such as crystals, essential oils, and guided meditation, to enhance the experience. But none of the techniques, including reiki, will work unless you intend to be healed, Carretta-Stein notes.
“Reiki is right for someone who is wanting to be healed and open to receiving healing. It’s about intention. Our thoughts are really powerful,” she says.

Why do people try reiki?

You’ll try just about anything to find relief when you’re in chronic pain, suffering from a disease, feeling stressed out, or creatively stifled. These are frustrating issues that often don’t have quick-fix solutions. While some people go for exercise, meditation, and acupuncture, others turn to reiki for respite.
“Working with energy centers can help heal emotional trauma, physical or sexual abuse, chronic pain, cluster headaches, migraines, and inflammation in the body. Reiki can work on anything in the mind, body, and spirit,” says Carretta-Stein.
The idea of using something as non-invasive and peaceful as reiki to heal some pretty serious issues sounds amazing, but unfortunately, there might not be a lot of evidence that supports those claims. According to the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health, few high-quality studies have been done on this technique, and reiki hasn’t been proven to be an effective technique for health-related purposes. Bummer.
But, let’s take a step back and look at the potential upsides of reiki. You take some time out of your busy, stressful week to go to a calming environment, rest on a comfortable bed, and have a healer focus on you. For one hour, you leave the hustle and bustle of the world for a little TLC—which isn’t a bad thing.
“The biggest benefit is a deep sense of relaxation from the inside out. That stress relief may, in turn, help chronic inflammation go down, headaches get better, and overall give you a renewed sense of self,” says Carretta-Stein. “After reiki, you’ll have better moods, feel more balanced, and be less on edge.”
I can definitely get on board with these kinds of benefits, even if they’re not easily measured. But would reiki give a skeptic like me true tranquility? I had to try it for myself.

A Skeptic’s Experience Trying Reiki

The first week of May was a tough one for me. I somehow fell uncharacteristically behind on all my deadlines, my tasks were taking three times as long as usual, and I couldn’t seem to get enough rest no matter how much I slept. Oh, and did I mention it was my time of the month?
Needless to say, I wasn’t feeling much like myself.
My first reiki session could not have come at a better time. On Friday afternoon, I hopped on a subway downtown to Modrn Sanctuary, a luxury wellness center in Manhattan’s Flatiron District that offers just about any alternative treatment you might be looking for, including aromatherapy, life coaching, acupuncture, and hypnotherapy.
My reiki session kicked off right in the lobby, where intuitive energy worker Alexis Alvarez had me fill out a questionnaire on an iPad. I answered questions like “Are you disorganized?,” “Do you have an aggressive nature?,” and “Do you find it difficult to be loved?,” and looked at a color spectrum to choose hues that I felt attracted to and repelled by. My responses would give a sense of my state and which chakras needed work, Alvarez explained.

what-is-reiki
Joni Sweet

Then it was time to go into the reiki treatment room, a dim, soothing space with a special therapeutic bed (similar to a massage table, but it had subtle vibrations) beneath a line of crystal lights. After I was given a brief consultation and explanation of how the session would go, I kicked my shoes off, lay on the table, and hoped for the best.
Alvarez guided me through a short meditation to calm my breathing and quiet my mind. Next, she placed crystals around my body and on my chakras and began slowly moving her hands along the space above my feet, knees, and other parts of my body. I felt restless at first, but before I knew it I was in a completely chilled-out state that reminded me of a savasana after a tough yoga class. She continued to work on my energy for a while.
When the reiki was over, Alvarez gently woke me from the restful place I had drifted to. I felt in a daze, and I barely remember slipping my shoes back on. How long was I in there? What time was it? My mind wondered but then let the concerns go in carefree way.
Alvarez explained the work she had done. She said she noticed something disruptive in the chakra near my reproductive system (how did she know I had my period?), healed some creative blockages (please let her be referring to my writer’s block!), and worked on my solar plexus chakra (the one associated with self-discipline). All of that sounded like just what I needed—but how long would it last?
I drifted out of Modrn Sanctuary and back into the city. It was rush hour on a Friday, yet everything moved in slow motion, like I was swimming. My typical mindset runs a mile a minute—Where am I going? What do I have to do? What’s next?—yet today, I felt completely at ease just standing there. Energy felt like it was buzzing through me. And I was content with just letting that happen and not immediately funneling it into a project or task like I typically would have.
I grabbed myself an iced matcha drink and slowly made my way to Madison Square Park, where I sat quietly, observed people enjoying the evening in the grass, and gazed at the trees, just taking in everything that early spring has to offer. I couldn’t remember the last time I was this relaxed. For once, I was fine with just being.
Over the weekend, I felt like my state continued to improve. I focused on resting and catching up on some essential things that were now overdue—no longer burdensome, my projects felt fulfilling. I felt like an improved version of my old self by the time Sunday rolled around. And it was bliss.
Did reiki actually work? I went into the session with a deep hope that it would fix my issues. But whether the healer cleared up blockages in my internal energies or it was just the placebo effect, something changed for me in the room that day. I finally got what Jax was saying—reiki was the highlight of my week—and that’s the only thing I know for sure.
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Categories
Healthy Pregnancy Motherhood

So You Want To Be A Surrogate? Here’s What You Need To Know

Because she’d experienced pregnancy loss herself, Crystal Henry, a writer who blogged about her surrogacy experience, had no reservations when she decided to carry a child for a friend whose chances of natural conception were slim at best. When her friend decided to try IVF treatments, though, Henry knew she still wanted to be a surrogate.
“I remember thinking I’d love to help another woman become a mother. I loved being pregnant, and after my natural delivery with my second daughter, I knew I wanted to do that again. I also knew our family was complete, so surrogacy was the next natural step to chase that birth high.”
Though Henry knew right away she wanted to be a surrogate, the decision to become a surrogate or gestational carrier is a huge decision.
If you’re considering becoming a surrogate, here’s what you need to know, from fertility doctors, surrogacy lawyers, intended parents, and surrogates who’ve been there.

Surrogate, Gestational Surrogate, Egg Donor: What’s the Difference?

There are a couple of different ways to become a surrogate, and each one has its own pros and cons for all parties involved. Traditional surrogacy is when the surrogate’s own egg is fertilized with either the intended father or a donor’s sperm, meaning that the surrogate is biologically tied to the child. A gestational surrogate, on the other hand, carries a fertilized egg from the intended parents and/or egg and sperm donors, so they have no genetic ties to the child. An egg donor is just that: a woman who only donates her eggs to be fertilized.
Now that we’ve got the basics down, here’s what you need to know if you’re considering becoming a surrogate.

Surrogacy won’t make you rich.

Kim Kardashian West, who famously became a surrogacy advocate when her daughter Chicago was born via surrogate earlier this year, reportedly paid the surrogate around $45,000 (the average cost to hire a surrogate) over a 10-month period. If you’re dreaming of ways to pay down your student debt or make a down payment on your dream home, a $30,000 to $50,000 check can sound ultra-tempting. But when you break down the actual cost-to-work ratio of incubating a little human for almost 10 months, your earnings may surprise you.
“I did get pre-birth child support. If you think about it, there aren’t a lot of babysitters who would do the job 24 hours a day for nine months for free,” says Henry. “It took us two years, months of IVF injections, countless [reproductive endocrinologist] and OB doctor’s visits as well as the risks and pain of labor and childbirth—I delivered without so much as a Tylenol. I think when we totaled it up I got paid just over $1 per hour. So I can assure you that no surrogate does this for the money.”

I just want to help people have kids. How do I become a surrogate?

Becoming a surrogate is a lengthy process. First, you’ll need to meet a few standards that almost all surrogacy agencies require.
“Ideally, surrogates to have a healthy BMI, have delivered at least one healthy baby vaginally, and pass any psychological testing required,” explains Shahin Ghadir, MD, of the Southern California Fertility Center. “In California, a surrogate must also be between the ages of 21 and 39 years old, have had no more than three cesareans, and no more than five vaginal deliveries.”
While the agency won’t require it, Stephanie Caballero, a surrogacy lawyer who practices at the Surrogacy Law Center in California, recommends surrogates also have a stellar support team.
“She’s [a surrogate], been pregnant before, and she gets it,” Caballero says of the ideal surrogate, “but a surrogacy really does take a village and that village includes agency personnel, if any, intended parents, OB-GYN, IVF physician, nurse coordinators, attorney, and a mental health professional.”
After her friend decided to pursue IVF, Henry decided to work with an agency to become a surrogate, but it took a couple of tries to find a good fit.
“During the initial interview process they asked how I felt about termination. …While I’d never begrudge another woman’s decision, I couldn’t be in a position to terminate,” says Henry.
So, she reached out to other agencies until she found a surrogacy agency that did not require termination as part of the surrogate’s contract. If you feel strongly about a particular issue, as Henry did, make sure that you find a reputable surrogacy agency that’s right for you. It may take a little longer to make a match with intended parents, but it’s in everyone’s best interest to be on the same page.

What are a surrogate’s legal rights?

A surrogate will enter into a contract with the intended parents before becoming pregnant. Every single detail will be outlined in that contract, but actual surrogacy law differs from state to state.
“In the United States every state handles surrogacy differently so the potential gestational carrier—the most common form of surrogacy, where the woman carrying the child is not genetically related—needs to check the laws in her state to see if surrogacy is practiced,” says Caballero.
“For instance, surrogacy is very limited in the state of New York where only compassionate surrogacy is allowed. No fees are involved, so typically surrogacy is between family or friends,” Caballero explains. “Contrast that with the state of California, where my firm is located. California has very solid case law and a surrogacy statute that defines the roles of both the gestational carrier and the intended parents and protects them.”
Surrogacy contracts are very detailed. A surrogacy contract will cover everything from the rights and responsibilities of both the parents-to-be and the gestational carrier, medical and life insurance, parental rights, intent of the parties, escrow and trust holder information and details, medical procedures, delivery and birth, and conduct of the surrogate, as well as payment to the surrogate, if that’s applicable.
While extreme surrogacy cases (like a surrogate keeping a child) make for great Lifetime movies, they hardly ever happen in real life, says Caballero.
“These situations are extremely rare and usually happen when corners have been cut and the surrogate has not received psychological screening and testing and she did not have an attorney represent her,” Caballero explains.

Who uses surrogates—and is it weird for a surrogate to be friends with the intended parents?

The demographics of intended parents vary: Of course there are heterosexual couples who cannot or choose not to conceive and opt to use a surrogate, as in Henry’s experience, which involved an intended mother and an intended father. That said, gay couples are increasingly using surrogacy to build their families, too.
The Chicago Tribune reports that at Fertility Centers of Illinois, gay men rarely pursued surrogacy just five years ago. Since then, the number has been increasing. A 2018 report showed that overall, gay male couples are content with the level of contact they have with their surrogate; the only men in the study who were discontent wanted more contact with their surrogate, not less. Also heartening if you’re considering becoming a surrogate: The findings of a 2016 report showed that children conceived by surrogacy and raised by gay men tend to have positive relationships with their surrogates.
But before anyone can build a positive relationship with their surrogate, they have to find one! So how do couples feel about finding (and nurturing a relationship with) the right surrogate?
“It takes a long time to meet the right surrogate, but when you do, you just know,” Dustin Lance Black, an Academy Award-winning screenwriter, tells HealthyWay. He and his husband, Olympic diver Tom Daley, are expecting their first child via surrogate later this year. “I knew the first time we met our surrogate that we’d made a match. It was partly how she was with her own kids and husband, loving and hilarious, and how she was with Tom and I. …She reminded me so much of our own families that I hoped and prayed she’d say yes to carrying our firstborn. Because at the end of the day, she’s going to be in our family’s heart and lives for a good long time, and we adore her and her family.”
The relationship between a surrogate and the intended parents is very intimate for obvious reasons, but it will mostly be defined by the contract both parties agreed upon. For example, the intended parents will probably want to attend the surrogate’s OB appointments and be present for the birth of the child. Still, each surrogacy relationship is totally unique.
“An open line of communication is key in these relationships,” says Ghadir. “It is very important that both parties—potential surrogates and intended parent(s)—feel a good connection.”
When Henry was matched with her first intended parents, she felt an immediate connection.
“They asked questions like Would I feel comfortable with them being in the room during delivery?” Henry remembers. “I joked that not only would they be in the room, but [the intended father] would deliver the baby. They laughed, but two years later he sat at the edge of my hospital bed and caught his daughter as she came into the world. Baby mama was laying next to me in the bed ready to be the first one to hold her daughter skin-to-skin. It was absolutely the most incredible thing I’ve ever done.”

Surrogacy is a challenging (and totally rewarding) experience.

Being a surrogate is a life-changing experience for the surrogate, intended parents, and most importantly, the child who’s being born.
Most of the people I spoke to about surrogacy said they’d do it again without hesitation. For Henry, helping a family have a child fulfilled her own desire to make a difference in the world.
“If this little surro baby grows up to be president, I get to say I played a role in her existence,” explains Henry. “People always say I’m some kind of angel or some selfless person, and they couldn’t be more wrong. I was just trying to fulfill my own dream, and it happened to fulfill the dreams of another couple. The family who allowed me to carry their only hope of a child were the brave and inspiring ones. They were the ones that had to wait for two years, and to trust someone they hardly knew to care for their child.”
For Black and Daley, surrogacy has been a lesson in gratitude.
“I lost my mother many years ago now. Tom lost his father as well. When Tom and I first met, we shared our dream of having children of our own one day, to pass on our parents’ love and lessons to our own. Surrogacy has given us this chance. There’s nothing I’ve ever been more grateful for.”

Categories
Health x Body Wellbeing

What It Means To Be Gender-Fluid Or Non-Binary In Today’s Society

Gender-fluid. Genderqueer. Non-binary. Gender non-conforming. The language of gender is changing, and it’s doing it faster than you can say LGBTQIA.
Whether your best friend has just asked that you start referring to them as “they,” or your child has come home and shyly asked if it’s okay that they don’t really “feel” like a boy or a girl, it can be hard to know what to say and when to say it.
That hesitancy and confusion is absolutely normal, says Joel Baum, senior director of professional development at Gender Spectrum, a San Francisco area non-profit dedicated to creating a more gender-inclusive world for kids and adults alike.
“Gender hasn’t changed that much,” Baum says, “But we’re understanding it differently.”
And that understanding has brought along with it what Baum calls a “language explosion,” with a host of new terms that many people are struggling to understand. Sometimes they’re trying to figure out if those terms are right for themselves or an appropriate way to describe their own gender identity. Sometimes they’re trying to understand the terms used by friends, family members, or their kids, hoping to say the right thing and not be offensive or cruel.
What matters most, Baum says, isn’t the words you use at the outset but the ability to be open to hearing from others what their chosen terms mean and to be able to change.
“A big part of the work around this is becoming more comfortable with not knowing and being able to ask,” Baum says.
So what is gender-fluid? And how about non-binary, genderqueer, or gender non-conforming, for that matter?

Gender-fluid is just one term.

If you go by its dictionary definition, gender-fluid refers to “a person whose gender identity or gender expression is not fixed and shifts over time or depending on the situation.” That fluidity doesn’t mean that people can’t make up their minds. But it does mean that their identity is not constrained to just one binary, such as boy or girl.
Non-binary and genderqueer, on the other hand, are defined by GLAAD as “terms used by some people who experience their gender identity and/or gender expression as falling outside the categories of man and woman. They may define their gender as falling somewhere in between man and woman, or they may define it as wholly different from these terms.”
GLAAD defines gender non-conforming as “a term used to describe some people whose gender expression is different from conventional expectations of masculinity and femininity.”
So do they all mean the same thing?
Not at all, says Ellen Kahn, director of the Children Youth and Families Program at the Human Rights Campaign Foundation.
“Most of us are familiar with a binary, with male and female,” Kahn says. “We know folks who are transgender and binary too. Jazz Jennings is a binary person; she expresses herself as female, she identifies herself as female. Chaz Bono likewise is binary. He identifies as male.”
But for many people, the constraints of the binary are just that: constraining.
“In the middle range of binary there is a range of experiences,” Kahn notes.
That’s where these other terms come into play for people. They are words that have evolved in our language to allow people to give a descriptor for their gender identity. And just as each person’s identity is extremely personal, so too is their relationship to the words they use to identify themselves.
While “gender-fluid” is in the non-binary experience, the actual lived experience of folks who identify as gender-fluid or non-binary or genderqueer or gender non-conforming can all differ in qualitative ways, Kahn says.
In a forthcoming Human Rights Campaign survey of LGTBQ teens, Kahn says the kids were given the chance to describe their own identity in their own words. The responses included at least 50 different terms the kids used to identify themselves. And not a single one of those kids was “wrong” for using a different word.
“I’m surprised and intrigued at how the language is evolving,” Kahn says. “Young people don’t feel confined, don’t feel constrained. You can be free to be who you are.”

Ask, don’t tell.

Some people may identify as gender-fluid, some as non-binary, and so on. What’s important, Kahn says, is to be open to allowing people to describe their own identity to you.
Part of that is asking someone their preferred pronouns. While many who identify as gender-fluid or non-binary identify as “they” rather than using “he” or “she,” pronoun usage is again very personal.
For Sula Malina, the decision to ask friends and family to call them “they” was years in the making. Malina, who works as a children, youth, and families coordinator at the Human Rights Campaign Foundation, came out as queer as a teenager.
At the time, Malina says they began to dress in a manner largely associated with masculinity in our society, and eventually began binding, a technique wherein fabric is used to minimize the appearance of breasts. When they applied to college, Malina did so identifying as a cisgender female.
But their understanding of their identity was already shifting, and that shift became more pronounced at college.
“There was a lot of grappling with whether I was more transmasculine,” Malina says. And yet, they were very aware that they did not have the experience of the many transgender people who knew they were a gender other than the one assigned at birth from an early age.
“I don’t think it’s inaccurate to have identified as a girl growing up,” Malina says.
But after top surgery to remove their breasts, Malina says they found that acknowledgement of their masculine side made them all the more comfortable exploring their feminine side. Eventually, Malina came out to friends and family as non-binary.
“There’s something that was really empowering about it,” they recall. “It’s who I am, and it also aligns with what I stand for.”
The relationship to one’s identity can be difficult to explain to people who are cisgender, Malina says, because there is no correlating experience.
“With sexual orientation, there’s an analogy. Just as you love a boy, for example, you can say I love a girl. But with gender there isn’t an analogous experience,” Malina says.
While gender identity is not a choice, it’s often something people have to think about and come to an understanding of, if only because society is still very much built on a binary system, wherein children are assigned “boy” or “girl” in the delivery room.
When someone comes out to you about their gender identity, be it as gender-fluid, non-binary, genderqueer, or using any other term, the fear of making a misstep is often there.
This is where you should give yourself a break … at least to a point, Malina says.
“I think people are stressed about definitions,” they said. “But it’s very complicated and yet in some way very simple. The real skill and real gain when you are developing ally skills is to ask people about their experience.”

Don’t force disclosure.

So asking is okay. What’s not okay?
Forcing someone to disclose their gender identity is never okay. While it’s becoming more common in college and business settings to ask people to identify themselves and their pronouns, that has to be done with safety measures in place, Malina says.
It’s not okay to simply go around the room and make everyone share their name and pronouns because that can force folks who identify as non-binary to out themselves in spaces that may not be friendly to people who don’t identify as “male” or “female.”
Instead, Malina suggests a one-on-one conversation where you give someone the choice to share their identity. Doing it that way lets the person know they’re in a safe space and that their identity is respected.
It’s also not okay to make dismissive statements about gender identity, Baum says, casting it as a choice or phase.
“If you’re dismissing another person’s experience, that’s really arrogant,” he notes. Worse, for those who are opening up about their gender identity, having people dismiss their experience can be downright dehumanizing.
“Suddenly it’s not just ‘I’m a different kind of kid,’ it’s ‘I’m a sick kid,’” Baum says. That can have devastating effects. Suicide rates for the transgender and gender non-conforming population exceed the national average, and a study by the Williams Institute found that as much as 57 percent of people in this demographic have experienced families who refuse to speak to them, and 69 percent have experienced homelessness.
It’s something Malina tries to explain to people who are grappling with how to be good allies. Malina’s mom, a gender studies major in college and an educated woman who supported her child’s transition, struggled with the transition to “they/them” pronouns because grammar rules had been ingrained in her head dictating the use of these terms only in reference to multiple people.
But she called Malina one day and said, “Every time I think about how hard it is for me to use they/them pronouns, I think about how hard it is for non-binary people to exist.”
For allies who are struggling with the transition, Malina puts it this way: “Maybe you can’t end trans-violence, but you can certainly use someone’s pronouns!”
One final note from the experts? It’s also important to understand that gender identity and sexual orientation are not synonymous.
Coming out as gender-fluid, non-binary, or any other term beyond “male” or “female” does not equate with being gay or lesbian. Again, it’s important to have open communication with someone and to let them lead you.
People can identify themselves in many different ways, and the words they choose to do so are important. More important, however, are the humans behind the words and the efforts taken to understand their experiences.
[related article_ids=1005029]

Categories
Life x Culture Lifestyle

How To Make A Budget That Actually Works For Your Lifestyle

According to recent research, in 135 out of 144 countries, women know less about finances than men do. (Guys aren’t off the hook, though—about 38 percent of men are financially illiterate.)
The problem isn’t going away anytime soon. In the United States, women hold roughly two-thirds of all student debt, and the gender pay gap is totally still a thing. Women make less, owe more, and often have trouble creating basic budgets that actually work, thanks to cultural biases and outdated societal expectations.
Yes, it sucks. Fortunately, there’s a way to get the money you do make in order: Learn how to make a budget. Don’t worry; it’s not nearly as painful as it sounds, and it’s a remarkably simple process once you’ve got the right outlook.

If you’ve been putting off learning how to make a budget because you’re worried about ruining your awesome lifestyle, relax. Learning how to make a budget actually reduces stress, eliminates debt, and—our favorite—gives you spending money.

It’s basically awesome financial witchcraft performed with a spreadsheet, smartphone app, or (our preference) a paper planner. Unless you have access to actual financial witchcraft (let a girl know), you’re going to want to read on.

How to Make a Budget, Step One: Understand why most people can’t stick to budgets.

Budgeting has a bad reputation, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that people who are learning how to make a budget for the first time often end up cheating a little…then eventually dropping their budgets altogether. More often than not, they’re trying to do too much without understanding the first rule of budgeting.
“The goal is to make the budget realistic,” says Michelle Hung, who is a Chartered Financial Analyst and the founder of online financial education platform Sassy Investor. “It’s no fun setting so many restrictions on yourself, because you’ll start to resent your life.”

“It’s like a diet,” Hung explains. “If you are super strict and don’t allow yourself little splurges, or if you set up unreasonable workout schedules, then you’re just setting yourself up for failure.”

That’s not to say that you won’t be reining in the expenses. But before you try to conquer your mountainous student loan debt (sorry to bring that up) or cut your food budget down to a dollar a day, make sure that you’ve got the right perspective. For most people, that means thinking carefully about what you need versus what you want.

Remember, when you figure out how to make a budget that works, you will be able to make space for wants. But for that to happen, you need to take a long hard look at your perception of money.
“For the ‘big spender,’ they have to distinguish between needs and wants, and this can go even further back and dig deep into what they value,” Hung says. “Do they value material things? Do they spend on these things to make them feel good? Are they insecure about something? Can they simplify their life and not have so much ‘stuff’?”

As you start figuring out how to make your budget, keep asking yourself those tough questions. Try not to take anything for granted—and trust that, in the end, you’ll still have money for the occasional splurge.

First, though, you need to reach for a pad of paper.

How to Make a Budget, Step Two: Write down income and expenses (and ask questions).

Okay, ready for the hard part of learning how to make a budget? (Spoiler: It’s really not that hard.)

Start by listing all of your income sources along with every recurring bill or predictable expense. You’ll want to list everything from your Netflix subscription to your mortgage. If you don’t have exact numbers (like for utility bills, for instance), it’s okay to estimate.

Once everything’s listed, break your expenses into categories. Some common examples:

  • Entertainment: The aforementioned Netflix subscription fits in here, along with books, movie tickets, and other non-essentials.
  • Personal Care: This might include skincare products and cosmetics, but you can also lump in haircuts or spa treatments.
  • Mortgage or Rent: For most people, this the biggest single item in the budget, so it often gets its own category.
  • Wellness: This might include things like health insurance, therapy co-pays, or gym memberships.

Those are just a few basics, and you’ll build in plenty of other categories as you work through your list. If you’re struggling to think of categories, apps like Mint, You Need A Budget, and Mvelopes can help (we’ll have a few more words on those in a moment).

Right away, if you’re not already living frugally, you’ll see a few places where you can trim down your expenses. However, remember to look closely. Some “needs” might actually be “wants,” and properly identifying them can help you avoid sinking deeper in debt.

With that said, we’re not quite at the “eliminating expenses” stage yet, and we’re not quite done with that paper.

How to Make a Budget, Step Three: Set up your financial goals.

Here’s the whole point of learning how to make a budget: It’s time to set up your goals. This is where you’ll start to see how your budget will revolutionize your financial life, so be prepared to celebrate (ideally, without purchasing any new bottles of champagne).

First, let’s address one of the other major reasons that people don’t follow their budgets: They encounter an emergency scenario, start spending…and immediately run out of money. That emergency might be a busted car, an unexpected visit to the doctor’s office, or a layoff you didn’t see coming.

Therefore, your first financial goal should be to build up some savings. Budget experts often call this “paying yourself.”
“Unfortunately, many people put this last on the priority list,” personal finance consultant Andrea Woroch tells HealthyWay. “What happens then is that some months may get tight with additional expenses and [saving] gets ignored.”

Woroch recommends incorporating a hard-and-fast rule as you make your budget: Always put a percentage of each paycheck directly in your savings, without exception. Experts often recommend 20 percent, although the exact percentage will change with your financial goals over time. The point is that you’ll always be paying yourself.

“Put this money into a separate account,” she says. “Consider opening up an online savings account to get a better interest rate.”

Set your emergency fund goal to cover several months of your essential expenses. Your emergency fund will be your first major goal, after which you can think about home down payments, retirement funds, and fun things like vacations and private Cardi B concerts (hey, we don’t know how much you’re budgeting).
There’s one thing that should take precedence over your rainy day fund.

“In building a budget, there are a few things [women] should do before saving for their goals,” explains Hung. “One being, if they have credit card debt, or any high-interest loans, they need to get rid of that first—before saving for their emergency fund or their goals. Then, they definitely should have an emergency fund set aside, ideally three to six months of expenses, depending on the risk of their primary income or [whether they have] dependents.”
If all goes well, you’ll eventually set up your monthly budget with last month’s income, which is an incredibly liberating feeling if you’ve been living paycheck to paycheck.

How to Make a Budget, Step Four: Track your expenditures.

At this point, your budget is pretty much good to go. It’s time to start tracking every single payment you make.

That might sound like a big deal, but depending on your current spending habits, it might not be too bad. Dedicate 20 to 30 minutes at the end of the day to tracking those expenses (though you probably won’t use that entire chunk of time, unless you’ve been doing some serious shopping).

The good old internet makes expenditure tracking pretty easy. If you pay for everything with a debit card, check your bank statement at the end of the day and enter expenses in each relevant category. If you use credit cards for some payments, track them at the point of purchase, making a note of the payment type so that you’re able to pay down the credit account at the end of the month.
Apps like Mint can help you track payments automatically, but our financial experts recommend tracking transactions by hand wherever possible. Whether you’re entering numbers into a spreadsheet or writing down expenses in a money planner, you’re thinking about the transaction and creating a habit that might stop you from overspending in the future.

How to Make a Budget, Step Five: Make mistakes, make adjustments, and enjoy your new budget.

You’ve learned how make a budget, you’ve set some goals, and you’re meticulously tracking every purchase you make. You’re doing everything according to plan.
Guess what? You’re going to screw up.

We’re not just being pessimistic! Successful budgets aren’t rigid, inflexible rulesets. They require constant adjustment, and in some cases, you’ll find yourself going over budget in certain categories.

The best practice is to pass those overspends off to the next month, where possible. For instance, if you budget $200 for entertainment and spend $210, budget $190 next month to get your books back in order. When that’s not possible, learn from your mistake, adjust your budget or spending habits, then move on. Don’t dwell on mistakes, and don’t get discouraged if you don’t immediately upgrade your financial habits.
While you’re logging expenditures, look for places where you can save without significantly reducing the quality of your lifestyle. Sometimes that means rethinking old advice.
“If you’re expecting a kid, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you need a bigger house or car,” Woroch says. “Babies don’t need much room! Stay put and save up until you can truly afford more space.”
That’s a fairly extreme example, but it gets to the heart of the problem: Learning how to make a budget is all about differentiating the wants from the needs and logging absolutely everything. Commit to those two principles, and you’re probably in good shape. There’s no hard-and-fast rule, and your budget will adapt to your lifestyle over time.

“As long as people live within their means, are being diligent with saving, and are not overspending, especially on fixed items (e.g., having a mortgage they cannot afford so they end up being house-poor), then it really is up to the person what works for them,” Hung says.
“I believe budgeting is something anyone can do, and frankly should do,” she notes. “I always say that if you know how to make money and spend money, you certainly need to know how to manage it properly.”

Categories
Favorite Finds Sweat

The Best Black Leggings For Everyday Wear (And Long Travel Days)

We, the badass women of the world, have reached a consensus: Leggings are pants. Let’s face it, black leggings are a wardrobe staple that tells the world I’m chic, comfortable, and could jump into virtually any athletic situation at a moment’s notice.
There’s just one small problem—our best black leggings, the ones we rely on for our early morning runs and sweaty yoga flows, aren’t always conducive to everyday wear. While your go-to LBLs provide support while showing off your shape during your workouts, tight compression can make a four-hour flight a little more uncomfortable than it already is.   

Best Black Leggings for Everyday Wear

To help you find the perfect leggings for everyday wear, I trimmed down the seemingly countless options and tested out five of the most popular pairs. From the moment I woke up to the moment I hit the sack, I kept careful (and honest) notes detailing my experiences. Taking factors such as the level of comfort, quality of the waistband, fabric type, and aesthetic appeal into account, I came out with a clear bracket winner. Follow along to see which leggings I deemed the best for everyday wear!
[sol title=”lululemon Align Pant” subheader=”Size 2″]
Was I naked? Was I floating on a cloud? Or was I wearing the most buttery soft pair of leggings? The lululemon Align Pant has unparalleled comfort, taking me from flows at my favorite local yoga studio to lunch at the nearby organic eatery and out for an evening of drinks with the girls. I even toted this matte black legging on a quick trip to Colorado for a round of graduate school interviews. When my world was buzzing and bustling, my outfit was one less thing to worry about.
The thin material hugged every inch of my lower body, from my waist to my ankles. It flaunts a ⅞ length, hitting about 2 ½  inches above my ankles (keep in mind that I’m 5’4”). The key word here is hugged. The leggings fit snugly against my body, but there was no feeling of compression or squeezing. Think of it this way: no residual marks from the seams after taking these leggings off!
If I had to describe this pair in one word, I’d choose angelic.

lululemon

Pros

The minimal seaming and matte black finish make the lululemon Align Pant one of the best leggings for everyday wear because they’re comfy and cozy, yet polished. Without a single hint of the stereotypical “athletic look,” I happily paired these with everything from checkered Van’s slip ons to boho booties and vintage crop tops to silky kimonos.
The high-rise waistband sits above the belly button and laid flat around the entire circumference of my torso. There is absolutely no digging, pinching, or folding.
The small pocket in the waistband of the Align Pant is best used for a loose key, small wad of cash, or a credit card and ID when you’re out and about on the town. The tapered mouth to this pocket kept my items perfectly secure throughout my daily adventures.

Cons

Due to the thin nature of the material used for the Align legging, these pants are fairly delicate. I would opt out of machine drying altogether to preserve the integrity of the pant. Machine wash on cold with like items (no jeans or zippers—they’ll snag!) and air dry. A hassle? Perhaps, but I can assure you that once you’ve got your hands on these leggings, you’ll want to ensure they last as long as possible, which means giving them proper care.
This pair of leggings also has the priciest tag of the bunch, but trust me when I say that lululemon is providing you with unrivaled quality. That said, if the price tag is a bit outside for your current budget, read on!
Reminds me of: Heaven
[link-button href=”http://fave.co/2D9fGg4″] Get them from lululemon [/link-button]
[sol title=”Old Navy High Rise Compression Leggings” subheader=”Size XS”]
For a pair of leggings that you could wear on the daily, $30 seems like a steal, right?! Well, Old Navy nailed the concept with their High Rise Compression Leggings, but unfortunately under-delivered with the quality. Perhaps it was the fact that these tights had to compete against brands like lululemon and ZELLA, but I was considerably underwhelmed.
In a pinch, heck yes I’ll grab these Old Navy leggings, but it may only happen when they’re the one pair not sitting in my dirty clothes hamper.

Old Navy

Pros

These soft black leggings are tailored through the leg, slimming down from belly button to ankles. They have a cottony finish, reminding me of the traditional legging many of us are familiar with from years past.

Cons

Due to the cottony feel, the High Rise Compression Leggings feel noticeably limited in regards to movement and flexibility. As opposed to the four-way stretch many brands offer these days, this pair of leggings only offers two-way stretch. If you have a tendency to sit in slightly wild, very contorted positions like I do, this may not be the pair for you.
The thin fabric also had a shine to it, which translates into sheerness when bending and hinging. These leggings lacked the matte black finish that complements my everyday attire. Although they didn’t have a standard athletic look, their texture meant they appeared far too casual to pair with cute outfits.
One more “ouch” for this pair of everyday leggings: The material used for the High Rise Compression Leggings is prone to pilling, clinging, and fading.
Reminds me of: The C9 Freedom Legging
[link-button href=”http://fave.co/2BP3tN7″] Get them from Old Navy [/link-button]
[sol title=”ZELLA Live In High Waist Leggings” subheader=”Size XS”]
The name says it all! Trust me when I say you can live in these ZELLA Live In High Waist Leggings. The thick, brushed material is as cozy as it gets, making them a dream for everyday wear, long travel days, and even grooving through my 25-hour yoga workshop weekends. These leggings were particularly wonderful for the late-spring chill and rain Mother Nature decided to surprise Midwesterners with this year.

Nordstrom

Pros

I kept my driver’s license, debit card, and car keys handy—without needing to lug around a purse—thanks to the hidden pocket cleverly placed in the waistband of these Live In High Waist Leggings.
The leggings hit at the ankles, making them appropriate for my favorite sneaks and best pair of combat boots. The seams were faint, with one wonderful surprise that all of the other pairs in this cohort lacked: piping over the glutes! Hello, shaping.
And can we talk affordability? You’ll be just as shocked as I was: For how comfortable and functional these leggings are, a $54 price tag is nothing short of incredible.

Cons

The brushed material these everyday leggings are made of was fairly prone to clinging. An impromptu snuggle sesh with my pup required thorough lint rolling before strutting out in public again. If you have any long-haired, light-colored furry friends running around at home, be warned.
Reminds me of: A portable hug—whether you’re in a plane, a train, an automobile … or yoga teacher training
[link-button href=”http://shopstyle.it/l/ImD3″] Get them from Nordstrom [/link-button]
[sol title=”Beyond Yoga High Waist Leggings” subheader=”Size XS”]
The Beyond Yoga High Waist Leggings are a welcome alternative to the jeans sitting in my dresser drawers. No zippers and no nagging waistlines digging into your obliques! That said, when compared to other pairs of leggings, these fell short.
Similar to the Old Navy High Rise Compression Leggings, these bottoms only offer two-way stretch, which means they’re significantly limited in terms of overall flexibility and functionality.

Amazon

Pros

The fabric used for these leggings is fairly thin, and the overall style is very simplified. There aren’t any bells and whistles to distract from a perfectly executed casual or athletic outfit. Instead, I was able to pair these everyday leggings with whatever my heart desired.

Cons

Without any technical features for moisture-wicking or quick-drying, the sweat (even minimal amounts) that accumulated throughout the day just … sat. I experienced a lingering clingy feeling after spontaneously hopping into an afternoon power yoga class. From yoga to a night out with the girls? Probably not.
The Beyond Yoga High Waist Leggings are also prone to clinging, pilling, and fading. All factors considered, this pair isn’t worth the price tag.
Reminds me of: The Old Navy High Rise Compression Leggings
[link-button href=”https://amzn.to/2LdPwfX”] Get them from Amazon [/link-button]
[sol title=”Athleta Meshblock Pocket Salutation Tight” subheader=”Size XS”]
If you take the lululemon Align Pant and sprinkle it with super cute aesthetics, you get the Athleta Meshblock Pocket Salutation Tight. Merging heavenly soft material with side pockets and mesh cutouts for both functionality and style, these leggings are the ultimate game changer. Not only was I able to comfortably move through my daily schedule in these everyday leggings—I also looked gooood.
The waistband was one of the most comfortable, tying with the Align Pant. These had a similar fit down the leg, hugging tightly around the bottom of my shins. I happily noticed no bunching fabric behind my knees or around my ankles. If you ask me, this in itself is a major win. Great for a spin bike and for gladiator sandals.

Athleta

Pros

The matte black material lacked any hint of sheerness. It passed my goddess-warrior squat test and remained opaque throughout my wildest stretching. These leggings weren’t shiny in the least. After the most zenned out yoga flow, I threw on platform Vans and a boxy striped crop to balance the femininity of the cutouts, then grabbed a casual dinner with my beau in the city. Thanks to the breathability featured in these leggings, I didn’t have a single worry about lingering moisture.
Despite what you may think would come with the territory of the luxurious softness of these leggings, the Athleta Meshblock Pocket Salutation Tight was essentially anti-clinging and anti-pilling. And no pup hair, despite our best cuddles.
No compression and all of the stretch? Exactly what we want for a long day of wear and travel days.

Cons

They may be stolen by my best friend when I’m not looking.
Reminds me of: The lululemon Align Pant
[link-button href=”http://fave.co/2D7oUcE”] Get them from Athleta [/link-button]
[related article_ids=26396]

Categories
Well-Traveled

How To Fight The Post-Vacation Blues (And Keep The Travel High Alive)

You know how some people cry when they leave home? The opposite’s true for me. As an avid traveler, I’m the one getting teary-eyed in the back of the plane as I watch whatever far-flung destination I just experienced fade into the distance. It’s like moving away from your new best friend or a passionate lover, never sure when (or if) you’ll meet again.
It’s not that I don’t want to go home—trust me, not even the penthouse suite in a five-star hotel feels quite as cozy as my own bed. The experience of traveling makes me feel more alive than anything else, and I hate when it ends. The thought of going back to work, taking care of everything on my to-do list, and just getting back into the swing of “real life” can make that vacation high evaporate all too quickly—and the post-vacation blues hit hard.
But traveling is about learning, growing, and thriving in ways that enrich us back home. Wallowing in your post-vacation blues defeats the entire point of exploring at all. To combat that after-travel sadness, we need strategies to carry the bliss from traveling back to our regular lives.
Fortunately, there are some easy ways to fight the post-vacation blues and keep that travel high alive. Here are some that work for me, along with clever suggestions from other travelers.

Go grocery shopping.

Arriving home to unseasonably chilly New York recently after five blissful days in Mexico was like a slap in the face—only to be made worse when I realized late at night that my fridge was empty. I went to bed totally bummed out (and hungry), wishing I were still traveling.
But the next morning, I went grocery shopping, and things started to feel better. There’s something about getting reacquainted with your go-to foods than can help banish the post-vacation blues. No matter how good the food tastes abroad, digging back into the meals you know and love will remind you how good a taste of home can be.
And if you’re still longing for adventure after filling your fridge, try making the food you ate on your last trip. Your homemade pad Thai might not taste quite as amazing as that meal from a street vendor in Bangkok, but it might ease the blow of coming back from vacation.

Unpack your bag pronto!

Are you guilty of leaving your suitcase in a heap on the floor when you’re suffering from the post-travel blues? Me too. But unpacking and settling back into your life can help you feel a lot better after a trip, says Natalie Tanner, travel blogger at The Educational Tourist.
“Bite the bullet and unpack quickly. Everyone dreads unpacking, but there isn’t anything quite as sad as a partially unpacked suitcase lying on the floor to remind you that you are back in the real world,” she says. “That half-packed suitcase keeps you from being in the present. Put that suitcase away and focus on the good in the here and now.”

Dig in to a great novel.

Reading a book that’s set in a destination you’re curious about will give your mind a welcome escape, and you don’t even need to leave home. The experience can also help you reconnect with a culture you fell in love with and feel the vibe of a foreign destination deep in your soul. Plus it’ll take your mind off the post-travel blues.
Where do you find books set in other countries? Goodreads has tons of thorough lists. Search the “shelves” section of the site for “books set in” and the country you’re looking for. The site has recommendations for stories in Cuba, South Africa, Italy, and tons of other fascinating places that just might inspire your next trip.

Share your experience.

I try to live in the moment (and off my phone) as much as I can when I travel. But when I get home, one of the best ways to fight off the travel-related blues is by sharing all my happy memories online.
“Find an outlet to share your travel stories,” suggests Tanner. “If you feel like your friends and co-workers have heard enough, then head to social media and join a group that focuses on your vacation destination. Share your stories, favorite dining spots, and sightseeing recommendations with others, and you’ll get to relive the happy moments.”
Come up with ways to share your experience off the screen too. Peggy Coonley, president of Serendipity Traveler, says she advises clients to fight the post-vacation blues by creating a memory book about their trip.
“Creating a book of your photos is a fun way to review and relive the highlights of your travels,” she says. “Reflect with gratitude that you were fortunate to be able to travel. Recount the numerous details that gave you pleasure and perhaps write these down and read them from time to time to cherish the memories.”
Mixbook, Shutterfly, and Blurb can all help you create vacation photo books. Or go old-school by picking up some scrapbooking supplies and doing it yourself.

Give yourself some TLC.

Post-vacation blues aren’t just confined to our mind—even our bodies can feel sluggish after we get home from a trip. Try to make time after your travels for some TLC, says Laura Hall, a formal travel writer who’s now director of communications at Kid & Coe.
“Be clever about how you book your trip. Leave a day when you return where you can chill, do the laundry, hang out, and sleep,” she says. “Booking a trip to come home on a Sunday night with work at 9 a.m. Monday morning is not the way to do it, and I’m speaking from experience.”
Have a little cash left over from your vacation fund? Consider booking a treatment at your favorite spa the week you get back home to ward off the post-vacation blues.

Meditate and journal.

Having unrealistic expectations about the ability for a trip to change your life is setting you up for experiencing post-vacation blues, says Christine Rosas, author of The Sensitive Edge: Learning to Trust Your Inner Voice and Thrive No Matter What. She recommends taking some time for deep personal reflection before and after your trip to help boost your mood.
“Take a quiet moment to sit with the version of yourself that’s here now. Honor yourself through meditation and journaling,” she says.
Sit quietly for five or six minutes and journal about your experience traveling, she suggests. Then practice peaceful, deep breathing for another few minutes. With every inhale, direct positive energy toward yourself. And with every exhale, send good vibes to your vacation destination.

Make plans.

There’s nothing like the thought of dealing with chores, bills, and work back at home to bring on the post-vacation blues. But being home has its plus sides, like being able to see your friends and family.
Jen Ambrose, travel blogger at Passions and Places, says that filling her schedule with plans with the people she loves helps her forget about the sadness of ending a trip.
“Organize brunch with friends, sign up for a spin class, buy tickets to a show, or plan to do whatever you love doing. Having things on the calendar you’re looking forward to will make coming home easier,” she says.
If you’re really organized, make the plans before you even go on your vacation. That way, coming home won’t feel so hard.

Travel at home.

You don’t need to hop on a plane or drive long distances to experience the joys of travel. Checking out a local spot you’ve never been to can help keep your travel high alive.
Think about what you love about taking a vacation. Maybe it’s dining out, or enjoying the outdoors, or just seeing a new place. Whatever it is that drives you to travel can be pursued back at home as well.
Living in New York, I like to venture out to the outer boroughs when I feel the post-vacation blues. It makes me feel like I’m far away from home—even when I can’t take a bunch of days off from work. And when I lived in California and had a car, I’d spend my weekends driving up and down the coast, losing myself in the beauty of the cliffs and crashing ocean waves. It seemed to scratch an itch for a new experience.
Try taking a bus to somewhere you’ve never been, tasting a cuisine that’s new to you, or going for a swim at a nearby lake. Any refreshing experience you can have back at home will help you recover from the post-vacation blues.

Plan your next trip.

After realizing how stifled I feel at home when I’ve got no escapes to look forward to, I now rarely plan fewer than two trips at a time. If you’ve got a hard case of the post-vacation blues, there’s only one thing left to do: Start planning your next big adventure, whether you have time next week, next month, or next year. The important thing is figuring out what your next vacation will be so you can have something to look forward to.
Where do you get inspiration for a trip? I like to use Skyscanner, which can bring up a list of flight deals from your home airport to anywhere in the world. Just type “everywhere” in the space where you’d usually put in your chosen destination.
Travel magazines, Instagrammers, and bloggers can also inspire some serious wanderlust.
Finally, food can be another way to find your next destination. Love ravioli? Take a trip to Valletta, Malta, where the pillowy pasta is pretty much everywhere. Fan of fried rice? It’s the national dish of Indonesia! Or maybe you regularly crave beans and plantains. Nicaragua’s got you covered on that front, with some seriously addictive fried cheese on the side.
The post-vacation blues are one of the toughest side effects of having the travel bug. But with so many remedies available at home, you can channel the energy you felt on your vacation back into your everyday life—and use it to fuel your next getaway.
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