Tag: social

Narcissism is, by most estimations, a rare disorder. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, about 0.5 to 1 percent of people are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
However, many psychologists believe narcissism is on the rise; the American Psychological Association notes that one major 2008 study found that 9.4 percent of Americans in their 20s had experienced NPD at some point in their lives (compared to a relatively paltry 3.2 percent of people over 65).

Regardless, if you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you know one experience is more than enough.
“People with NPD tend to belittle others in a way that positions themselves as the greater or more important person in their relationships,” says clinical psychologist Sal Raichbach, PsyD, a licensed clinical social worker and chief of clinical compliance at Ambrosia Treatment Center. “In doing this, they can take advantage of those who have more passive personalities and exercise control over that person. Being able to control and manipulate others reinforces the narcissist’s perception that they are all-important.”

To be clear, nobody should try to diagnose narcissism without proper training, and because NPD is a spectrum, some people might display narcissistic behaviors without actually having the disorder.
With that said, narcissists often communicate in similar ways, and by recognizing certain behaviors, you may be able to curb their influence (or better yet, avoid them entirely).

What they say: “You’re absolutely perfect. I don’t deserve you.”

In romantic relationships, narcissists typically go to great lengths to make their partners feel special. That sounds wonderful—and in many cases, it feels pretty great.

“When I first met my partner, I was swept off my feet, as cliché as that sounds,” says Amber, a 28-year-old woman who says she dated a man with narcissistic tendencies for several years. “Everything was about me. The compliments were glowing, and I didn’t notice anything unpleasant or unusual.”

Unfortunately, that stage of the relationship doesn’t typically last long.
“In a new relationship, a narcissist can appear like an incredibly charming, kind, and [linkbuilder id=”6701″ text=”intelligent person”],” Raichbach says. “These personality traits, whether they are real or manufactured, are a part of their manipulation strategy. Once they have established a relationship, they begin to show their true selves and adjust their manipulating tactics to bullying and belittling others.”

What they say: “Here, I got you something…”

“He gave me gifts throughout the relationship,” Amber says. “That’s something I miss! But in all seriousness, some of [the gifts] seemed overwhelming. We’d only been dating for a few weeks when he got me this tablet that easily cost $500. I chalked it up to his generosity. Looking back, it was a warning sign.”

While narcissists might employ a variety of behaviors to woo potential mates, gift-giving seems particularly common—and particularly problematic. A 2016 study found three primary motivations for gift-giving in romantic relationships: intrinsic (in other words, simply showing that a partner is appreciated), maintenance (keeping the relationship going), and power (gaining an advantage over the partner). Narcissists were more likely to give gifts for maintenance or power.

“Our results suggest that narcissistic individuals critically differ from those with high self-esteem in their tendency to consider gift giving an instrumental act,” the study’s authors wrote.
In other words, because narcissists typically have low self-esteem, they’re more likely to see gift-giving as a necessary activity. Obviously, that’s not a great basis for a healthy relationship.

“Narcissists will go to any lengths to get ‘in’ with a person before they begin to show their true colors,” Raichbach explains. “Excessive flattery, gift-giving, and over-the-top kindness are common at the beginning stages of a relationship with a narcissist. However, this isn’t always the case, and sometimes other people are attracted to narcissists because of their intelligence or personality.”
In any case, the good times don’t last.

What they say: “I’m the victim here.”

In a conflict, a narcissist will often try to flip the discussion. The other person might hear something like:
“Yeah, but what about the time you….”
“You do it, too.”
“I only did that because you….”
In each case, the takeaway is the same: The narcissist’s bad behavior isn’t really their fault. How could it be? They’re nearly perfect.

“Even if the argument wasn’t a big deal, he’d make it a big deal,” Amber says. “He was incapable of saying, ‘Sorry, my bad. Let’s move on.’ If I brought up something, he’d counter with something that I did. I’ve been in plenty of relationships where the occasional argument strayed into that territory—with [my partner] bringing up my issues—but with him, it was something else.”

We weren’t able to speak with Amber’s partner for this piece, but his actions are in line with typical narcissistic behaviors.
“To manipulate and control others, narcissists will often play the role of the victim,” Raichbach explains. “When another person objects to their behavior, they will turn the situation around and act like they are the one that is being mistreated or misunderstood. If the other party feels guilty, they are less likely to challenge the controlling nature of the narcissist and allow them to continue influencing their decisions.”

Similarly, narcissists often project their own faults onto their partners. That can make for some frustrating arguments.
“Projection occurs when an individual attributes a characteristic that they see in themselves onto another person,” Raichbach says. “It’s a defense mechanism that is used by narcissists, most often after they have suffered some blow to their ego. By shifting the blame from themselves onto another person, they both feel better about themselves and have fuel to continue their narcissistic behaviors.”

What they say: “You should be ashamed about…”

As a narcissist becomes more comfortable in a relationship, he (or she, but statistically speaking, most narcissists are male) will often key in on his partner’s insecurities. This is often the point where the non-narcissist realizes something’s wrong.
“Bullying and demeaning others is a favorite manipulation tactic of narcissists,” Raichbach says. “Often, narcissists will get to know you well enough that they can target the insecurities that they know have the most effect. They also might attempt to conceal or downplay the severity of their abuse by including compliments with their attacks.”

Some research (link opens a PDF) suggests that men use insults as a broader strategy of mate retention—in other words, insults are sometimes an effective (but by no means healthy) part of relationship maintenance.
Amber says that’s what’s so frustrating about these tactics; ultimately, narcissists use them because they work.
[pullquote align=”center”]“The best way to deal with a narcissist is to recognize and accept their criticism and bullying comes from a place of insecurity, and therefore isn’t valid.”
—Sal Raichbach, PsyD[/pullquote]
“He really damaged my self-esteem,” she says. “He knew what made me self-conscious, and he wasn’t above using my insecurities to his advantage. But I stayed with him—in fact, it took me a while to date anyone else after our relationship ended. I didn’t think I was good enough. I guess I can blame him for that.”

What they say: “I’m sorry. I’m going to change. It won’t happen again.”

At this point, we should acknowledge an important point: Narcissists aren’t sociopaths. They’re typically capable of empathy, and when they realize they’ve made a mistake, they may offer a sincere apology.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean you should accept that apology.

“Narcissists live in a world where everything revolves around them, and as a result, they put their needs first,” Raichbach says. “Someone who is in a relationship with a narcissist, whether that be a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a co-worker, should know that they are not going to be able to fix or change that person’s behavior.”
While apologies might sound convincing, they’re worthless without real change, and narcissists aren’t always capable of changing on their own. That’s not to say that the situation is entirely hopeless, but be careful when approaching a person with narcissistic tendencies; don’t use terms like “narcissist,” and try to empathize with the motivations behind their actions.
“When approaching a narcissist about their behavior, it’s best to tread lightly when expressing your concern,” Raichbach says. “It’s important to realize that this kind of behavior comes from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, and will typically become defensive when someone tries to call out their narcissistic behaviors.”

“The best way to deal with a narcissist is to recognize and accept their criticism and bullying comes from a place of insecurity, and therefore isn’t valid,” he adds. “The narcissist only wins when an individual believes that they are inferior to that individual.”
If you really want to help a person with narcissistic behaviors, try to gently guide them toward therapy. Consider relationship counseling with a trained, certified psychologist who may be able to recognize the [linkbuilder id=”6700″ text=”signs of narcissism”].

Of course, there’s always another option: You could simply end the relationship. If your partner isn’t prepared to get help, that’s sometimes the only realistic course of action.
“Narcissists can get better through therapy, but typically they are resistant to treatment because they do not recognize their behavior as a problem,” Raichbach says. “The only way for a person with narcissistic tendencies to get help is to want it themselves.”

From a very young age, most of us have a fabricated image in our minds of what the perfect romantic partnership looks like. Perhaps it’s an amalgamation of all the best qualities we’ve witnessed in relationships around us. Or maybe our ideal partnership is inspired by what we see portrayed in literature and the media, helpfully rounded out with a handful of examples for what not to do (insert one of many Friends storylines here).
Whether your idea of a perfect love involves adventure and travel, quiet days spent absorbed in books side-by-side, a huge family, or a child-free home, there’s one constant must in any relationship: trust and open communication.

While the line between secrecy and privacy is a subjective one, we’ve reached out to a handful of relationship experts to find out what’s okay to keep to yourself, what you ought to share with your partner, and what constitutes an outright breach of privacy.

What sort of details should you share in a relationship?

Let’s begin by diving into the things we should be sharing. Not just because we owe certain information to our partners—and yes, there are a handful of things we absolutely should divulge—but because doing so can actually strengthen your partnership.

“Anything you are keeping from your partner that could have a detrimental effect if it came out is something that should not be held in private but should be expressed in a skillful way,” advises Christy Whitman, a relationship expert and two-time New York Times bestselling author. “Privacy arises out of a desire to maintain personal boundaries, which enhances our sense of autonomy and self-respect. Secrecy, on the other hand, is an act of hiding something about ourselves or our lives out of fear that our partners will not like or accept it if they were to find out.”

For example, early on in your relationship, you should disclose your sexual, mental, and overall health status (including addictions). Even if it’s difficult or awkward for you to relay this information, your partner deserves to be fully aware before making a decision to move forward. To help soften the delivery of such information, outline the ways in which you’ve got a handle on things, whether that includes medications, weekly appointments with a therapist, or a health game plan devised by you and your doctor.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Your story is important, and this information will help a partner know what your boundaries are.”
—Logan Levkoff, psychologist[/pullquote]
It’s also to your advantage to share information about previous committed relationships. Not only will this help your partner have a more complete picture of where you’ve come from, it can prove to be a true bonding moment and help you both define the qualities you’re looking for, and not looking for, in a relationship.

“If you’ve had some sort of traumatic experience, it is important for a partner to know,” says Logan Levkoff, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in human sexuality and marriage. “Your story is important, and this information will help a partner know what your boundaries are.”
Additional information that falls into this category includes excessive and unmanageable debt, past imprisonment, major legal issues, previous marriages, and children from [linkbuilder id=”6687″ text=”past relationships”].

Levkoff says that this information doesn’t have to be relayed on the first or even second date. However, the second you realize that you want your relationship to develop into something formal or marital is the time when serious discussions should occur. You can even preface these hard-to-have conversations with something like, “I see potential between us, and want to be completely forthright.”
While it’s ultimately up to each person to decide how much to divulge and when, an open partnership that allows for honesty and free-flowing communication is typically more fulfilling. And again, a great rule of thumb is to disclose any information that could have a detrimental effect if your partner were to find out from someone other than you or if they discover it very far into your relationship.

What kind of stuff should you keep private?

Switching gears, let’s talk about things that are not just okay to keep private, but that could actually improve your relationship if you simply don’t talk about them.
“Again, this is a very personal and individual decision that each couple must navigate for themselves,” says Whitman. “In general, though, many couples choose to keep bathroom and grooming habits, personal fantasies, and fleeting judgments or petty annoyances about their partners private. This is done for the sake of preserving respect, goodwill, and sexual attraction within the relationship.”

Think back to that Sex and the City episode that focuses on “secret single behavior.” We all have stuff that is perfectly acceptable but not necessarily something you have to share. For example, if your partner is out of town for a week and you decide to binge an entire season of Orange is the New Black in a matter of 24 hours while eating nothing but gas station food, that is information your partner doesn’t have to know. In the same vein, if you have a bi-weekly waxing appointment for your out-of-control mustache, you have every right to keep those details to yourself.
Outside of grooming habits, fantasies, and pet peeves, there are some other things that our experts say are okay to keep to yourself.
“Divulging previous sexual partners and encounters could lend to unnecessary conflict and insecurity. Also, journals and diaries are your private thoughts and a way for you to work through things. They don’t need to be shared,” says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, NYC–based licensed clinical neuropsychologist.

Additionally, Hafeez recommends keeping comparisons to past relationships to yourself. If there are things about your partner that don’t work for you, respectfully communicate that, but refrain from phrases like “My ex used to do that, why can’t you?” or “My ex would never do this!” Those are hurtful jabs that slam the door on opportunities for meaningful, important conversations.
While we’re talking about potentially hurtful details, Lisa Concepcion, a professional dating and relationship expert, adds that it’s also probably not best practice to go around talking about how sexy other people are, even if you feel like you’re “just being honest.”

“There’s no need to admit how hot you think the server is at the restaurant you frequently go to for business lunches. It’s disrespectful,” she says. “Also, keep casual conversations or general conversations with an ex private if they are still in your life as a friend or as a co-parent. You don’t really need to report every single conversation you have.”
While the above advice is sound, it is, of course, subjective. In the end, we must each determine what constitutes “keeping a secret” versus what constitutes maintaining healthy privacy boundaries. If you ever have trouble finding that line, Whitman says to ask yourself what, if any, effect it will have on your relationship if you keep something private or divulge. Let your answer to that question be your guide.

What constitutes trespassing upon a partner’s privacy?

While each partner ultimately decides which details come out of their mouths and which don’t, snooping behind the other’s back is a completely different story.
“An invasion of privacy can be ‘measured’ by intention. If you intend to find, gather, or collect information without asking someone for permission, it is an invasion,” says Levkoff. “Without a doubt, going through someone’s phone, DMs, or drawers without permission is a violation of someone’s privacy.”

Other things on that list include going through someone’s computer, emails, social media accounts, or physical belongings and spaces, including pockets, journals, cars, offices, and bedrooms. It’s the permission aspect that determines whether there’s been an invasion of privacy.
Levkoff notes that the above behavior speaks to either a clear lack of trust in a relationship or to the insecurity of the snooping partner. Whatever the case, it is very hard to be in a relationship where one or both partners don’t trust what the other says, or worse, when they don’t bother to ask questions but go digging on their own instead.
[pullquote align=”center”]“If we feel someone isn’t trustworthy, trusting our instincts and moving on is key.”
—Sanam Hafeez, PsyD[/pullquote]
Is your relationship absolutely doomed if it goes through privacy breaches? Not necessarily, but it’s something that needs to be sorted out quickly and with the utmost seriousness.
“It’s important for a person to get to the bottom of why they feel insecure. Is it due to fear based on the unfortunate outcomes of a past relationship where there was a betrayal? When fear and insecurity remain, these feelings can destroy a new relationship when unnecessary suspicion creeps in. In this case, our inability to trust is more our issue than the other persons,” says Hafeez. On the other hand, “If we feel someone isn’t trustworthy, trusting our instincts and moving on is key. Some people would rather become a detective than leave a relationship.”

Again, getting to the bottom of any insecurity is integral in the success—or lack thereof—of your relationship.
There is one gray area we were curious about: exercising Google-fu to dig up dirt on a potential new mate. The truth is that we live in a time when this isn’t only possible, but it’s pretty commonplace. Further, sometimes checking into details like this is a safety precaution, especially if you’re using online dating apps.

“People want to protect themselves and research someone, especially in the early stages of a relationship,” says Hafeez. “It’s okay to look at a few social media profiles, to google them, look at LinkedIn, etc. However, to do so in an obsessive way where you’re going through every photo, as if you are looking to find something disparaging, is more about your fears and insecurities than just doing a simple, quick check on them.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“Violating another’s privacy is a clear indication that we are not feeling whole within ourselves, but wounded, and that we are seeking some kind of external reassurance in order to feel secure.”
—Christy Whitman, relationship expert[/pullquote]
There’s a line between checking someone’s criminal background and public employment history versus spending hours digging through old pictures of them with their ex and making yourself feel insecure. It’s important to remember that our social media lives rarely represent actual reality but are rather a careful curation. You’ll never get the whole picture of someone’s life by simply swiping through years-old images and status updates. It’s much more worthwhile to engage in one-on-one discussions with your partner about their past experiences versus coming to conclusions on your own.

For a healthier relationship, do this.

The moral to this story is that healthy relationships require the participation of two whole and complete partners who trust each other and are interested in furthering their relationship via open communication.

“Violating another’s privacy is a clear indication that we are not feeling whole within ourselves, but wounded, and that we are seeking some kind of external reassurance in order to feel secure,” says Whitman. “The damage we cause to our partnership might take the form of a sudden blow up as a result of getting caught in the act, or it might manifest as a slow draining of confidence and trust. Either way, it is each partner’s responsibility to heal the parts of ourselves that are wounded or insecure and to approach the relationship from a foundation of knowing that we are complete and whole just as we are.”
No relationship is perfect—not even the ones that seem to be—but a thriving, fulfilling partnership can be possible by following these pieces of advice.

“I didn’t think of myself as the type of person who’d be the ‘other woman.’ I wouldn’t cheat, either. It was a point of pride for me.”
Samantha (not her real name, for reasons that will become obvious) was 26 years old, and her life was on the right track. She was living in a small St. Louis apartment, she had a decent job, and she regularly hung out with the same small group of friends. On paper, everything in her life was going well.

Then, something changed.
“I didn’t expect it or plan it, but yeah, it happened,” she recalls. “The worst thing I’ve ever done, no question.”
After a party, Samantha slept with a friend’s husband. A week later, she did it again. Soon, she was part of an affair; she was “the other woman.”

Her story certainly isn’t uncommon.

While it’s hard to find trustworthy statistics about cheating—surveys rely on self-reporting, and many cheaters don’t admit to their affairs—some research indicates that it’s remarkably common. The Washington Post referenced the work of researcher Shere Hite, who found that 70 percent of married women and 72 percent of married men admitted to cheating on their spouses. Other studies put the number much lower, but even going by conservative statistics, we can safely say that infidelity isn’t unusual.

Inconsistency can ruin a relationship just as infidelity and dishonesty

— Alycia West (@paperdoll713) June 17, 2018

However, people don’t usually talk about their role in an affair—not without the cover of a nice, anonymous nickname. There’s an obvious reason for that: It’s not a fun conversation.
“When you asked me to talk about it, I kind of wanted to punch you,” Samantha tells us.
We’ve known Samantha for a while; it’s not a serious threat. We, uh, think.
“But another part of me wanted to talk about it. So, yeah, let’s talk about it.”

First, we want to make this clear: Generally speaking, Samantha is not a woman of poor character (and no, she didn’t ask us to say that). The point she wants to get across in telling her story is that romance is complicated, people aren’t always predictable, and—most importantly—cheating sucks for pretty much everyone involved.
https://twitter.com/lSpeakQuote/status/1009726753823223808
“I’ve moved on, but it’s still something I think about from time to time,” she says. “I’m not proud of myself. And everyone seems to know about it—[screw] you for bringing it up, by the way.”

We asked Samantha to tell us about the night the affair started.

[Editorial note: With her consent, we’re changing the details of Samantha’s story significantly to ensure her anonymity.]
She was hanging out with friends—including the married man, who we’ll call Paul—at her own apartment. Paul’s wife, Laura, wasn’t there.

“She was a friend of mine from high school,” Samantha says. “I wouldn’t say a really close friend, but I saw her, like, more than a couple times a month.”
She didn’t know Paul nearly as well.
“I didn’t even invite him, and I certainly wasn’t planning on [anything happening],” she says. “I wasn’t really into him. He was cute, but I was at their wedding, so he wasn’t on my radar.”

The rest of the scene played out like something from a terrible movie. One at a time, Samantha’s friends left. Eventually, she was alone with Paul, and he asked to stay over.
“He said he wasn’t okay to drive, and I’ve always had an open-couch policy,” she says. “I really don’t think he was planning on anything. He had his issues, but he, uh, wasn’t capable of thinking that far ahead. That’s the nice way of putting it. …But we kept talking, and we connected, I guess.”

The next day, the reality of the situation started to set in. She had betrayed the trust of one of her friends—and it wouldn’t be the last time. For the next two months, the affair continued.

As for why it started, Samantha doesn’t know.

“I’ve read stories online where women said they were empowered by being the ‘other woman,’ or that it taught them about who they were,” Samantha says. “That wasn’t my experience. After the first night, everything got worse, every single day.”
[pullquote align=”center”]”I felt okay when I was with him, because it was someone I could share this messed-up experience with. That seemed like love to me, I guess.”[/pullquote]
She still felt drawn to Paul, and while they were together, she felt almost normal.
“He said he was still in love with her, and I believed him—he had no reason to just say that,” she says. “But I thought that I was in love, too.”

Today, she says she was just confused.
“I felt okay when I was with him, because it was someone I could share this messed-up experience with,” she says. “That seemed like love to me, I guess. Or maybe it didn’t seem like I was doing something bad if I could say, ‘Well, I’m in love, so it’s okay.’”
That’s a common sentiment among cheaters, and while Samantha isn’t technically a cheater, per se, her impulse is understandable. A 2013 psychological study found that unfaithful people tend to trivialize their actions to minimize feelings of guilt. However, Samantha says that cognitive dissonance didn’t help her much in the long run.
“I knew it was wrong the whole time,” she says. “I’m not a dramatic person, I don’t go looking for big, dramatic blowouts, but I wanted one to happen. I couldn’t sleep, and I had serious stomach issues. I wanted it all to end, even when I didn’t.”

Things came to a head, appropriately, after another long night of partying.
“I wasn’t completely in my right mind, and I called Laura,” Samantha says. “I was honest. I was way too honest. I don’t know what I expected, or if I even expected anything, but she told me she knew, and she said a few things that broke my heart.”

Over the next several weeks, Samantha dealt with the fallout.

That meant hearing from friends. Some didn’t want to hear from Samantha; others gave her honest feedback.
“People blame you. I didn’t hear words like ‘homewrecker’ outside my own head, but I know people were thinking it. It decimated my group of friends, and honestly, that’s what needed to happen.”

Confronted with her actions, Samantha made some changes. She quit her job, moved to her parents’ house for a while, and took time to reflect on her choices. She also lost a few friends—and she notes that Paul didn’t seem to get the same treatment.
“I do feel like Paul got more sympathy from our friends,” she says. “I don’t know if it was because he was a [man], or if it was just that ‘homewrecker’ trope, but people treated him differently.”
At first, she said it didn’t bother her; later in our interview, she admitted that it was a big deal.
“Really, that hurt more than almost anything,” she says. “He barely knew some of our friends. We made the same exact mistake—the same thing, except I didn’t break a f****** vow—and they were able to forgive him, but not me. But maybe there are other reasons, I don’t know. I don’t really blame anyone.”

That’s not to say Paul got off scot-free. After seeking counseling, his wife asked for a divorce. Samantha says she lost touch with him after that.
“Once everything was out in the open, I had no interest in continuing it,” she says. “It was like a spell was broken. I realized that I wasn’t really ready to be in a relationship with anybody, let alone a relationship that complicated.”

We had to ask: Does she want forgiveness from Laura?

“Well, yeah,” she says, “but it’s not coming. And that’s just how it is. Maybe if she wasn’t married … but, no, I can’t start looking for ways to justify it. Even this [interview] is a little too much. I don’t want her finding out about this.”
[pullquote align=”center”]”I thought at the time it was going somewhere or I’d learn something about myself or the guilt would eventually go away. It doesn’t.”[/pullquote]
It’s been five years since the affair, and Samantha’s in a good place. She volunteers for charitable causes, she has new friends, and she’s more comfortable with herself as a person. We ask whether the affair helped with that process in some way.
“I don’t want to give a mistake that much credit,” she says. “I mean, we’re made from our mistakes, but I can’t say, ‘Oh, that was a great idea since I learned so much,’ or whatever. That would be stupid. It wasn’t a trip to a [psychiatrist], it was a series of bad decisions. No bueno.”
We asked Samantha whether she has any advice for women (or men, for that matter) who find themselves in the same situation.

“I guess just be on your guard,” she says. “What I know now—I thought at the time it was going somewhere or I’d learn something about myself or the guilt would eventually go away. It doesn’t. And if I’d known that it was something I was capable of, I would have been on my guard. I would have made sure that I didn’t do something that stupid.”
Granted, some “other women” have their affairs and go on with their lives without feeling a shred of guilt; others are more like Samantha. Every story is different, but they all start with the same type of betrayal.
“The fact that you’re calling it ‘cheating,’ that you used that word, that [implies] a broken trust,” she says. “I don’t think it’s ever really something positive. Even if it feels right at the time.”