Tag: social

Cindy Girard’s parents wanted to do what they felt was best for their kids. In their minds, this meant staying together. Their marriage was already failing when she was born, but they chose to wait to get a divorce.
“My parents didn’t fight,” Girard tells HealthyWay, “but they basically lived separate lives.”
Girard wishes her parents had made a different decision; she doesn’t believe their choice was best for her and her two siblings. When her parents eventually divorced after years of trying to make their difficult marriage work, Girard and her two siblings were 11, 13, and 15, respectively.

“It would have been far easier on the kids had they divorced when we were little, rather than when we were adolescents trying to figure out who we are and what this world is all about,” says Girard, who believes her parents’ divorce was the catalyst for decades of struggles for her and her siblings. She has coped with depression ever since their split, and her brothers have both dealt with their own demons.
Girard’s sentiments about her parents’ delayed divorce aren’t out of the ordinary. Even when parents believe they are making a choice that is in the best interest of their family, it may have unintended effects on the kids.

A 2015 poll by Resolution, a family-law organization, found that the majority of children would prefer their parents didn’t stay together for their sake. And even when kids initially wanted their parents’ marriage to stay intact, many of them eventually came around to the idea that divorce was the better option for the family.
Even with numbers like this, ending a marriage is never an easy decision, and there are many things to consider before making the leap. Here’s how you can know when you should call it quits instead of staying together for the kids.

A Suffering Home Environment

Constant conflict is reasonable grounds for separation, according to Mayra Mendez, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist and program coordinator at Providence Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center.

“When children are exposed to a lot of conflict, disagreement, negative social problem solving, name-calling, bashing … that kind of constant, conflictual turmoil on a day-to-day basis … is very, very negative,” she says.
This constant exposure to extreme conflict, especially at a young age, has a negative effect on the social-emotional competence of a child, Mendez says. Social-emotional competence refers to a child’s ability to identify and express their emotions, regulate their emotions and behavior, relate to others, and engage in healthy relationships.

Long-standing research backs up Mendez’s assertion. The environment in which a child grows up directly impacts their mental and physical health, according to one 2002 profile of at-risk families published in the journal Psychological Bulletin. In homes where conflict and aggressive behavior are the norm, children are less likely to learn healthy responses to stress and how to process their emotions, and may eventually engage in risky behaviors.

“Their primary mode of learning is modeling,” says Mendez. “Modeling by their primary caregivers who they trust—mom and dad. So in those situations when there is all this conflict going on, divorce might not be such a bad idea because they’re not living that battlefield day in and day out.”

Lack of Safety in the Home

The safety of a child, both emotionally and physically, shouldn’t be compromised for the sake of saving a marriage. If one parent is unsafe or prone to abuse or neglect, this is a valid reason for separation or divorce. Sometimes, even when obvious abuse isn’t present, one parent exhibiting hostility toward a child is enough to warrant separation.

“When the couple is experiencing one or the other being a bit more hostile, irritable, more angry, the very first step is to be able to talk about it and have open communication with each other,” says Mendez. “If they’re able to get to a point of actually getting some help, that might be really, really helpful.”
Professional support can create a safe environment. Mediated by someone with an education in this type of conflict, support allows the involved parties to talk through the conflicts within the home.

If parenting or marital support isn’t beneficial, or one party isn’t open to change, separation may be necessary. This is especially true if anger elevates to abuse or neglect of a family member. Mendez believes the next conversation should be concerned with the safety of the home and how exposure to conflict can affect the children.

“What’s in the best interest of the child might be separate homes,” says Mendez, “and then maybe thinking about the custody arrangements, because a parent might not be very comfortable with sending a child home for visitation with somebody who is blowing their stack all the time because that’s not safe for the child.”

Preparing Children for Divorce

“The breakup of the family unit is traumatic—even in the most amicable divorce,” said Fran Walfish, PsyD, author of The Self-Aware Parent, in an interview with Fatherly.
[pullquote align=”center”]”Encourage open, direct expression of these feelings. The more comfortable you become with her verbalizing anger, the more validated and accepted she will feel—flaws and all.”
—Fran Walfish, PsyD[/pullquote]
Parents can expect a range of emotions and behaviors from their children during a separation or divorce, Walfish tells HealthyWay. She cites trouble in school, worries about custody arrangements, anger at the parents, and more.
“You need to give her permission to have powerful emotions about the huge disruption in her life,” says Walfish. “Encourage open, direct expression of these feelings. The more comfortable you become with her verbalizing anger, the more validated and accepted she will feel—flaws and all.”

In addition to open communication about the divorce experience, Walfish offers practical advice for parents guiding their child through this life change.
First, she suggests helping children find someone they feel comfortable talking with. Some kids might worry they can’t be honest with their parents because they might hurt their parents’ feelings. Another family member or even a therapist can provide a safe place for kids to process the experience.

Secondly, Walfish says that a physical outlet for emotions can be helpful. She suggests gymnastics, sports, dance, or taekwondo.
Additionally, it is helpful for parents to remember how difficult a custody arrangement can be on children and to help mitigate the complications.
“Most teens get frazzled when their favorite shirt or jacket is at mom’s house or dad’s, and they are not there to retrieve it. Or perhaps they left their history book or homework assignment at the other parent’s house,” she says. “It is very anxiety-provoking for the teen.”

Walfish recommends that parents navigate these worries, along with worries about differences in rules and [linkbuilder id=”6547″ text=”parenting styles”], by working together. When parents are polarized on how they approach parenting, it can create alarming behavioral responses in kids. Agreeing on a shared strategy can help make this transition less disruptive.

What Kids Can Learn From Divorce

As difficult as divorce might be, not all its consequences are negative. Children can, and do, learn a lot about relationships from a divorce. For Girard, her parents’ divorce was a lesson in how to approach her own separation. First, she learned that staying together when the marriage couldn’t be repaired wasn’t in the best interest of anyone involved. Secondly, she learned how she wanted to approach her divorce for the health of her two boys.
“I refused to badmouth [my ex] to the boys,” she explains. “I helped the kids work through their feelings toward their dad and slowly worked us all toward forgiveness.”

According to Mendez, one of the most valuable lessons children can learn comes from watching parents divorce in a way that exemplifies problem-solving and compromise. It reminds children that it is possible to have differences of opinion without tumultuous conflict.
“They’re modeling for their child that problem-solving can happen in a very peaceful, positive way,” Mendez says. “Children learn that through their parents, so that’s a huge, huge benefit.”
Divorce also teaches an important lesson about relationships; it’s a reminder that some relationships do change, says Mendez. She also stresses the importance of children understanding that things continue to move forward even when they don’t stay the same.

Lastly, divorcing parents can help their children understand that the change in the relationship between two parents doesn’t have to harm the child-parent relationship.
“Give your kids permission to love and respect both parents,” advises Walfish. “If his father says derogatory remarks about you, tell him that divorce is a grown-up matter, and sometimes moms and dads are mad at each other, but it is not the kids’ fault or responsibility to fix.”

It isn’t a happy thing to see your marriage come to an end, but it can be the best choice for everyone involved. In homes where conflict is abundant and previous attempts to repair the marriage simply haven’t worked, separation can bring peace to an otherwise turbulent situation.

Most parents want their kids to behave, right? More importantly, we want them to grow up to be healthy, well-adjusted, contributing members of society. This, of course, looks different for many parents. Some parents prioritize academics, while others care more about sports. Other parents don’t care how their kids perform in school or sports, as long as they’re kind.

Most parents, however, agree about swearing and arguing. When it comes to raising good kids, these bad habits rarely fit into the equation.
Because of this, many parents spend a lot of time working on teaching their kids to avoid “bad” habits. Most often, we teach them not to swear. We break up sibling arguments before they go too far, never giving our children the chance to resolve the conflict themselves.

As it turns out, not all “bad” habits are truly bad for our kids. There might actually be some benefit to normalizing behaviors typically treated as taboo. Don’t believe us? Check out what the science has to say about giving your children a little more freedom to use their voices.

The Science of Letting it Fly

Let’s take a closer look at the habit of swearing. It might be true that modern parenting culture sees swearing in front of your kids as something to avoid, and a toddler dropping a four-letter word into a conversation is only treated as cute the first time.
Well, the truth is, most parents aren’t actually avoiding this habit of swearing in front of their kids. In fact, 74 percent of moms admit to swearing while their kids are in earshot, according to a survey conducted by, of all groups, Kraft.

Of course, if swearing in front of your kids has become a habit you indulge in occasionally, you can always make some changes. Maybe you could start up a swearing jar, giving up a quarter every time you make a slip. You could also swap out a few choice words for something a little more innocent.
You could also continue to let it fly. That is what Benjamin Bergen, cognitive scientist and author of What the F: What Swearing Reveals About Our Language, Our Brain, and Ourselves, believes.

If research conducted on college students is any indication, there aren’t really any negative effects associated with swearing in front of kids, according to an op-ed Bergen wrote for the LA Times—the only exception being the use of slurs, which have no place in the home (or anywhere). These words, quite obviously, teach children to negatively perceive those being attacked by the slur.

More interesting, perhaps, is the argument that swearing has a benefit. In an interview with National Geographic, Emma Byrne, author of Swearing is Good for You, pointed to a Keele University experiment in which swearing increased pain tolerance and decreased perceived pain.
An important note, though, is that subsequent research found that habitual swearers experience less relief from swearing during pain. Teaching your children when it’s okay to swear is key.

Another behavior commonly curbed by mom and dad is arguing. Parents hate when their kids get into it, especially when it disrupts the peace in the home. Telling kids to “be nice” might not be as beneficial as you’d think.
In an article for the Wall Street Journal, Sara Zaske, author of Achtung Baby: An American Mom on the German Art of Raising Self-Reliant Children, wrote that German parents are more likely to let their kids work things out than to jump in and referee a disagreement. In her experience, that practice is largely beneficial. Instead of trying to solve disagreements, German parents might ask a few leading questions to help a child empathize with the other children involved. Otherwise, kids were left to work things out on their own.

Allowing your children to fight their own battles provides benefits, like learning to stick up for themselves and how to navigate tricky relationships, reported the Chicago Tribune.
“I think [arguing is] normal for anybody at a young age who is not able to really understand their emotions and the perspectives of others yet,” says parenting coach Antonio Harrison, PhD. “When you’re cramped in a space with people, things are bound to boil over at certain points.”

In his home, this perspective typically means the parents step back during the little spats or disagreements. Instead, they draw the line when things turn into a physical fight or when name calling is involved.

The Science of Control

Although the specific research on “bad” habits is certainly interesting, it’s worth noting that there is a bigger picture to consider: How do children respond to control? There is a large body of research devoted to examining [linkbuilder id=”6588″ text=”different styles of parenting”] and how they affect children.
[pullquote align=”center”]“It’s important that parents ask themselves ‘What really matters here?’ and ‘What skills do I want my child to learn right now?’”
—Sharon Saline, PsyD[/pullquote]
Authoritarian parents are strict, have a lot of rules, and tend to harshly enforce those rules. Authoritative parents, on the other hand, have high expectations of their children but are generally less demanding. They are emotionally engaged with their children and try to offer discipline that will encourage growth.

Research largely associates authoritarian parenting with negative outcomes for children, like associating being obedient with being loved and struggling with self-control, according to a resource provided by University of California, Los Angeles. This doesn’t mean authoritative parenting is perfect, but it is more likely to produce well-adjusted children with high levels of self-control.
“Hearing a lot of don’ts can be overwhelming for kids,” says Sharon Saline, PsyD, author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life. “It’s important that parents ask themselves ‘What really matters here?’ and ‘What skills do I want my child to learn right now?’ This means honestly assessing where your child is currently and remembering that learned behaviors build on each other.”

Harrison believes kids who are completely shielded from adult activities during childhood could enter into adulthood unprepared. In his opinion, it would be more beneficial for parents to be able to model appropriate use of adult language or conflict than for their first exposure to come in a less secure environment.

The Power of Modeling

So when it comes to behavior in childhood, is nothing off limits? That might be taking things a little too far. Instead, taking what we know about swearing, drinking, and conflict into account, along with what we know about healthy parenting styles, it’s worth taking a second look at our parenting choices and making a few adjustments to the way we approach behavior.
[pullquote align=”center”]“All … parents think that it’s about the kid’s behavior when it is really about the parent’s behavior,” he says. “Kids will follow suit with whatever is given to them consistently.”
—Antonio Harrison, PhD[/pullquote]
For Harrison, all of this is part of a bigger lesson about being the type of parents who model healthy behavior. In his mind, it’s not about parents avoiding swears in front of their kids, it’s about the context in which we use the words.
“My family swears in front of our children,” he says. “The key is, we’re not getting belligerent; we’re not swearing like sailors every other word; everything’s in context with whatever we’re doing.”
The important part here is that parents need to be modeling the right choices, according to Harrison. Don’t use hate speech or argue with the intent to hurt. But if you stub your toe and let out a four-letter word, explain that those words aren’t to be used all the time; if you have a disagreement with your partner, settle it empathetically and civilly.

“All … parents think that it’s about the kid’s behavior when it is really about the parent’s behavior,” he says. “Kids will follow suit with whatever is given to them consistently.”
What about when it’s the child doing the swearing? Harrison suggests parents avoid being too reactive. In his own parenting, he tries to take a step back and consider the context before responding in anger. In some cases, he finds he feels his child’s frustration warranted a slip of the tongue.

Harrison offers two pieces of advice to parents who would like a healthier way to respond to misbehavior in the home.

First, he suggests that parents offer plenty of positive feedback to good behavior. Parents should be speaking up as often, if not more often, when their kids are doing right as they do when they’re doing wrong.
“This doesn’t mean a dessert or a cookie,” he says. “Simply saying, ‘Good job. Thank you. I love you.’ is good enough.”

Secondly, he strongly encourages parents to wait before they respond to poor behavior. Take a deep breath or walk away. Do what needs to be done to give you a few seconds to think about what happened before firing off. This doesn’t mean there won’t be discipline to follow, it simply means you have the chance to think it through first.
“When something does happen, give it 10 seconds to think about the context of the situation, what was going on, why that happened. You brought yourself down to where you’re thinking as opposed to just spewing things out of your mouth without thinking.”

Parenting is often not as black and white as it may seem. Whether you’re trying to navigate swearing or arguing in your home, be patient with yourself and your children. With time, you will find the approach that feels the most comfortable for your family and communicates the lessons you most want your children to learn.

I read Sara Zaske’s 2018 book, Achtung Baby: An American Mom on the Art of Raising Self-Reliant Children, at just the right time. My youngest was creeping up on 18 months; I found myself with three talking, walking, and climbing kids under the age of 6.
I was completely exhausted.

I spent much of my days feeling like there would never be enough time to do all of the things required of me as a mom of young kids. The biggest obstacle I was facing, perhaps, was keeping my kids entertained for hours each day while my husband was away at work. Was I a mom or a cruise ship entertainment director? Many days, it was hard to tell.
I read Zaske’s book with skepticism at first. Parenting books are abundant and can be overly prescriptive, in my opinion. I wasn’t really looking for another book providing a long list of things I should be doing. Instead, I found Achtung Baby to be very descriptive, almost like a memoir. Zaske, a Pacific Northwesterner, wrote the book after spending time as a transplant in Berlin.

She found herself a new mom in a world that looked wildly different from her own, and she quickly learned that Germans parent much differently than Americans do. She explained how she had initially expected German parents to be controlling and authoritarian but was surprised to find that wasn’t the case. Instead, she found that Germans prioritize self-reliance, which influences many of the decisions they make about how they parent their children.
[pullquote align=”center”]“They feel capable. They feel trusted. They’re learning responsibility.”
—Sara Zaske, author of Achtung Baby, on the benefits of the German parenting style[/pullquote]
As I read her book, I learned a lot about how I might benefit from adopting the German way of parenting. 

What’s so different about German parenting?

In Germany, Zaske observed that the overarching theme guiding parents’ decisions was teaching their children self-reliance. Day in and day out, kids were given the opportunity to learn to figure the world out on their own. They were given space to play and learn without the over-involvement of their parents.
[pullquote align=”center”]“The biggest difference is that parents do not ‘helicopter’ over their children.”
—Christina Robinson Bayse, mom of four, on German parenting[/pullquote]
If you’ve ever been on a playground in America, you know this is contrary to how the average American parent approaches child rearing.
“The most immediate and obvious [difference between German and American parents] is how German parents interacted with their kids on playgrounds—or didn’t interact,” Zaske tells HealthyWay. “They not only stay away from the kids when the kids go off to play, a lot of the time they don’t feel like they need to be in the line of sight.”

In her book, Zaske noted that German toddlers do typically stay in their parents’ eyesight. However, once they reach 3 or 4, they are given more freedom. By the time they are 8 or 9, they’re making the trip to the playground alone, even in a larger city like Berlin. She writes about leaving her 8-year-old with a friend’s family for a playdate. When the time came to pick her up, she found her daughter and her 8-year-old friend alone at the playground with no adults in sight.  
Mom of four Christina Robinson Bayse spent three years in Germany as a young mom and had a very similar experience to Zaske’s. She admits to helicopter parenting her children until she saw how Germans were parenting. They simply weren’t as hyper-involved in their kids’ lives.

“The biggest difference is that parents do not ‘helicopter’ over their children,” she recalls. “Children ride public transportation alone at very young ages; they climb the highest trees, and spend hours upon hours exploring alone. If they get injured, no biggie. …They will remember not to do the exact same thing the next time.”
In Bayse’s observation, German parents often sent their kids out in the morning and expected them to stay outside playing all day.
Their prioritizing of self-reliance doesn’t end with play. Children are expected to learn the essential functions of day-to-day life. Zaske says this means many kids are riding the public transit, known as the U-Bahn, to school each day by the time they are 8 or 9.

In schools, kids are given many opportunities to practice self-reliance.
“I was informed that the 3 to 4-year-olds would be using real silverware, porcelain cups, knives, and the kitchen stove to prepare and eat their own lunches,” shares Bayse. “I watched in awe at how competent these wee ones were and how easily they could handle glass, knives, appliances, et cetera.”
While the use of sharp objects and stoves is difficult to endorse—the United States Consumer Product Safety Commision has safety statutes for a reason—the general practice of teaching children to care for themselves is something American parents can implement.

Perhaps the most notable trait of German parents is that they widely accept daycare and preschool as beneficial for children. This is such a part of the culture in Germany that childcare is subsidized throughout the country. Zaske shares that German parents, by and large, see it as a great opportunity for the kids, a chance for independence, making new friends, and exploration.

“When I heard those kinds of arguments, which I never heard in America, I was like, ‘Wow! You’re right. They are getting new experiences and friends, and the kids get a space of their own.’”

A Win-Win Model for Parenting

When children are given opportunities to explore and learn about their world and test out their responsibilities from a young age, they benefit.
“They feel capable. They feel trusted. They’re learning responsibility,” says Zaske. “And it’s really amazing that [American parents have] gone so far that we are inhibiting children’s ability to grow up.”

When children start early with learning the skills they need for the future, according to Zaske, they’re prepared for the future. When it comes to learning accountability with the freedom they’re given, they’re not starting from scratch in middle school or high school.

Zaske’s experience aligns with research about how restrictive parenting affects how children behave. Increased restriction of children actually decreased their ability to self-regulate their behaviors and lowered their achievement in school, according to a 2016 study published in the journal Frontiers.
Kids aren’t the only ones who benefit from the German parenting style. Zaske notes how their acceptance of daycare is beneficial for parents, especially since there is financial assistance provided.

“There is a lot less guilt,” says Zaske. “They accept it as normal, and I didn’t see the kind of anxiety that some of us expats had leaving our kids at kita, which is kind of like daycare or preschool.”
As children grow older, the benefits of this parenting philosophy change says Zaske. Things become much easier for the parent since most children are getting themselves to and from school, making themselves a snack, and hanging out at home or heading to activities while the parents wrap up their work day.

Personally, I noticed that encouraging kids to learn self-care could ultimately lessen my load. Instead of feeling like I was constantly in charge of their entertainment, dressing them, and getting them fed, I could give them the space to figure things out on their own.

German Parenting for All

No matter where you live, it is possible to embrace parenting choices that encourage your kids to figure out the world on their own. Start small, giving your kids age-appropriate tasks and freedom in small increments. As they learn about being responsible for themselves, you can increase their level of independence gradually.
“A lot of people say, ‘Well you can’t do it here,’” says Zaske. “Because Germany has a whole system that we don’t have. There are some things, of course, that we don’t have, like subsidized childcare, maternity leave, and lovely things like that. However, there are a lot of things that American parents can do to parent their kids for more self-reliance.”

Embracing German parenting can influence all parts of your family life. Zaske recommends small measures; try giving kids more responsibility at home with tasks such as requiring them to take care of keeping their laundry clean and put away. It’s also important to avoid loading up your kids’ schedules because an open schedule allows them to manage their free time on their own, and it gives them the chance to learn what kind of activities they enjoy.
Parents who are ready to make bigger steps toward the German model might consider giving their kids the opportunity to walk to places, like school or a nearby park.

“I know there can be some cultural resistance to that, but if you find your child a friend to walk with or a sibling, even the rest of your neighbors will look at that as safer,” she says.
My family is a long way from letting our kids walk to school since our kids are so young, but we are adopting some of the parenting practices outlined in Zaske’s book. My kids are getting more space and time outdoors, usually with me inside or doing yard work instead of standing over them to make sure they don’t get hurt. My two oldest are learning to make their own snacks, clean up after themselves, and take care of their personal hygiene.
These changes take some needless tasks off of my to-do list, of course. More importantly, my children are feeling proud and capable as a result of their new independence.

The size of the American family has changed over the last four decades. According to Pew Research Center, the majority of women in the 1970s were having three or more children. A good number of mothers were raising large families, with 40 percent of moms giving birth to at least four children.

For the last two decades, the American family has grown much smaller; having two children is the new normal. These days, large families are so out of the ordinary, we’ve made a spectacle out of those that break the mold. Take the Gosselins, who starred in a late-2000s reality TV show about their family of 10, or Nadya Suleman, more commonly known as the Octomom, who received international attention as the mother of 14 kids.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bc56Az2Azdy/?hl=en&taken-by=kateplusmy8
We love to watch these families from afar, but what are their experiences really like? Those who didn’t grow up in a large family know very little about the real dynamics of big family life. What’s it like parenting four or more kids? How does growing up in a busy household change the childhood experience?

Growing Up in a Large Family

In 2015, the National Bureau of Economic Research published a research review discussing how growing up in a large family affects children. The research revealed that there is a trade-off—when the quantity of children in a family increases, the quality of the experience decreases.

One of the most notable challenges the researchers found was parental involvement with children. When the family grows, it makes sense that the mother’s attention splits. Researchers also noted decreased cognitive performance in children of larger families, as well as a notable increase in behavioral challenges.
It is worth mentioning that not all research agrees on this topic. A study published in The Quarterly Journal of Economics in 2005 revealed that the negative impacts of growing up in a large family were insignificant once researchers took birth order into account or used twins in the study.

Reflecting on their experiences, many adult children raised in large families identify both negatives and positives about the family dynamic.
“…I’m the middle [child] of seven,” Rebecca Gebhardt tells HealthyWay about her family. “As a child, there was always a lot going on, there was never a ton of money … but we didn’t know any different.”
Gebhardt says it was a busy childhood, but the memory that sticks out to her is eating every meal together, even if those meals only lasted a few minutes. She says that practice brought her family together.
As for the negative impact of being the child of a large family, she says the most notable thing was the competition between siblings—a dynamic that remains today when everyone gets back together for holidays.

One of the most common remarks from adult women who grew up in a family with four or more children is that they were responsible for helping with younger siblings. Some of these women report this as a negative, saying they had less of a childhood, while others didn’t mind as much.
“I definitely helped my parents a lot around the house and with my younger siblings—especially the baby of the family—which was nice when I had kids of my own because I already had some experience with kids,” says Megan Rogers, who was the oldest of four.
Ari S. Yares, PhD, licensed psychologist and parenting coach, draws from his own experiences and his professional training to offer insight on family dynamics. Growing up, he was one of four. He now has four children of his own.
Yares believes there are many benefits to being part of a larger family, pointing out what children can learn from their experiences.

“Larger families often tend to distribute responsibilities in the house,” he says. “So you are learning additional life skills, but also, at home, you are constantly learning how to deal with other people … there are some opportunities as you move into adult life where there are things you’ve been exposed to that have the potential to give you more skills as an adult and maybe even some earlier maturation because of the home environment.”

Raising a Large Family

Due to the amount of responsibility involved, it would be easy to assume mothers raising a large family give up the most, but there isn’t much evidence to indicate that. In fact, research by Bronwyn Harman, PhD, who specializes in the study of family, found the opposite to be true, ABC Perth reported.
[pullquote align=”center”]”There are a lot more people to enjoy.”
—Jamie Dunmore, mother of four, on large families[/pullquote]
In Harman’s study, parents of families with four or more children self-reported the highest levels of resilience and self-esteem. These parents also reported having the most social support.
Raising a large family is not stress-free, but those stressors are simply overshadowed by the positive aspects.

Growing up with a big family and 7 siblings was pure chaos. But wow am I grateful to be surrounded by all the energy and love they bring 💕💕💕

— Briell Couch (@Briellcouch) June 18, 2018

“It’s a lot of fun,” says Jamie Dunmore, mother of four. “After having one, we loved it, and now have four! There are a lot more people to enjoy … they’re all playmates, they’re busy playing with each other, and they’re all really close.”
Becky Morales, mother of five, also has a lot of positive things to say about being a mother of a large family. She points out just how much she enjoys sitting down for a family dinner and celebrating holidays together.

“Our house is filled with laughter and screaming and lots of fun activities,” she says.
However, these moms don’t deny they have a difficult job. The most notable challenges these mothers report facing are all about time and how hard it is to manage their responsibilities with a limited amount of it.

Dunmore mentions the juggling act of getting kids to different sports and activities. Morales says she has to say no a lot—to helping with homework or to adding more activities to the family schedule.

Creating a Happy and Healthy Home Environment

As research and anecdotal reports seem to suggest, there are so many factors at play when determining the quality of both child and parental experiences. Having a large family doesn’t need to be the determining factor.
Instead, parents should feel they have the agency to create a happy and healthy home environment, whether they have two or six kids. Dunmore, knowing that her time is split between four children, believes it is important to spend quality time with each one.

“Sometimes, you do have to make an extra effort to make sure that everyone feels important and valued,” she says. “Because sometimes, when you have that many kids, you can get really busy, and someone can get lost in the mix.”
In her family, this means taking each of the kids for one-on-one time each month. Sometimes, this translates to something as simple as bringing one along on errands and treating them to a Starbucks beverage afterward. It is important to her and her husband that they are intentional with their time in this way.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Pay attention to your own mental and physical health and what your resilience is. When we feel zapped emotionally, we’re not available for our kids, and our relationships become that much more stressed.”
—Ari S. Yares, PhD[/pullquote]
Yares agrees that time is a finite resource for parents, suggesting they pay close attention to each child (and their different needs) individually.
“I once met with a dad who had eight kids, and I asked him how he did it,” he shares. “He said he uses his calendar, and he makes sure that, on his calendar, he is blocking off over the course of the week one-on-one time with each child.”

It is this type of intentionality Yares sees as essential in large families. He says parents concerned about the division of their time and attention should reflect on how they are using their time and then be proactive, making changes where necessary.
He also warns against assigning too much responsibility to children, encouraging parents to make sure tasks and chores are age-appropriate and respectful of each child’s needs.

Lastly, Yares says parents of large families can benefit greatly from scheduling time for themselves and their relationships to avoid burnout.
“Pay attention to your own mental and physical health and what your resilience is,” he says. “When we feel zapped emotionally, we’re not available for our kids, and our relationships become that much more stressed.”
Because of this, he encourages parents to make time for activities that they know will improve their resilience, like working out or going for a walk.

Parents of large families are faced with many responsibilities each day. By prioritizing your own self-care, you can ensure you have the energy and emotional bandwidth to care for your children well. From that place of personal health, you can intentionally act to care for each child’s need for time, attention, and unconditional love.