Tag: social

30 Outfit Mistakes That Make You Look Messy And How To Fix Them

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date October 11, 2018

When you absolutely need to look your best, you have to pay attention to the little things.
It’s always the little things—not dramatic changes—that really make all the difference. No matter your body type, profession, personal taste, or preference, it is possible to look and feel good without having to change your entire style, much less who you are at your core.
With that said, certain types of faux pas can be especially damaging. Avoid becoming a victim of these sneaky saboteurs by following these tips.

1. Leaving Bits of Lint and Animal Fur on Your Clothes

People notice details, and a single piece of lint can stand out, especially if it doesn’t match your clothing.

Rather than color-coordinating your lint, we’d recommend getting rid of it entirely. Lint rollers are amazing, but if you don’t have one handy, some tape will do just fine.
Better yet, a more eco-friendly option is this self-cleaning fur and lint remover brush. Remove lint and hair from your clothes with the brush, then put the brush back into the case to remove the hair.

It eliminates paper waste, and it’s affordable enough that you can buy several: one for your home, one for your car, and one for your desk at work.

2. See-through Fabrics

To be clear: Thin, gauzy skirts can be a great addition to your wardrobe. Do yourself a favor, though, and make sure that they don’t go totally transparent when you end up backlit.
Some fabrics will do their best to trick you. They look totally opaque in the dim light of morning. By the time you’re headed out for lunch, though, the light shines right through them, treating all of your coworkers to a glimpse of what’s underneath.
If you’re totally in love with a thin skirt, be sure to wear leggings underneath. You want to preserve a little mystery. And if you’ve got a sheer shirt you really love, just wear a tank top underneath.

These affordable Hanes tanks come in an array of colors, making them a comfy and versatile undershirt option for any see-through blouse you just can’t put back in the closet. Be sure to wash them carefully, though, as they are 100 percent cotton.

3. Wearing Clothes With Tiny Rips, Frays, and Other Minor Damage

These types of issues sneak up on you. You’ll wear the same jeans every day, and you won’t notice as they start to fray. Or you’ll ignore the missing button on your favorite shirt simply because you’ve worn it so many times.

Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever, and that includes clothes. While most rips, holes, or missing buttons can be easily repaired with a needle and thread (consider making a small investment in a sewing kit if you don’t have one already), they can also go from a minor flaw to a deal-breaker quickly. A small tear becomes a gaping hole fast!

A tailor may be able to help you with the trickier hems and holes. Cute patches are another option for covering holes beyond your sewing capabilities. Eventually, however, clothes do just become too worn out to wear—and although it may be hard to let go, just think of the new items you can replace these with.

4. Not Breaking out the Iron

Ironing clothes takes a lot of time, and in busy schedules, that step often gets left out. Still, wrinkled clothes can throw off your entire image. Make sure you have a good iron and ironing board for when you need to make a good, smooth impression.

It’s also a good idea to invest in some wrinkle-removing spray like the Downy Wrinkle Release Spray—which multi-tasks as a static remover and odor eliminator, too. It’s not exactly an ironing replacement, as tougher fabrics will still require some heat, but it’s perfect for last-minute touch-ups or travel. Just spray it on, shake it out, and go confidently in the direction of your wrinkle-free dreams.

5. Rolling up Your Sleeves Incorrectly

When the seasons change, you might find yourself rolling up your sleeves to stay cool. It’s actually quite a fashionable look, provided that you take the time to do a double-roll.

That technique uses two simple folds, leaving your cuffs looking clean and precise. For a simple yet polished business-casual look, pair a white button-up shirt, cuffs nicely folded, with dark jeans and boots—it’s a classic look, regardless of gender.
Just make sure to pay attention to those cuffs. A good sleeve fold adds class, but the common method of rolling them up all willy-nilly leaves you looking messy and unkempt.

6. Too Many Accessories

Accessories are essential to your look. A single, simple necklace can make a great statement piece, for instance, or a scarf can pull your entire outfit together.

The ideal accessory will be eye catching and (this is important) appropriate for the occasion. Where you’ll get into trouble is if you start piling on the gaudy accessories to cover up a simple outfit. Don’t worry about being too plain; that’s a much better option than going overboard and risking looking tacky.

7. Worn-out Clothing

A great way to make an awful first impression is to wear a shirt that was white in a former life but is now a weird shade of gray-yellow. It’s inevitable that the whitest of whites start to discolor, and once they do, it’s time to either put them in the discard pile or do something about them.
Prevent your whites from becoming former versions of themselves by making whites a separate load. Mixing them with colors can cause them to become dingy and gray.

And if you’ve just got pesky stains on your favorite white tee, try out this natural stain remover that promises to show results—or your money back!

8. Wearing Hair Ties as Bracelets

You’re not a teenager anymore (well, actually, we don’t know—you might be, in which case, disregard that sentence). While you’ve been wearing hair ties on your wrists for years, it’s never really been okay.

Hair tie bracelets look tacky, but there is hope for those of you with a habit of wearing hair ties on your wrist. These hair tie bracelets offer a sleek-looking design that your hair tie fits around, making it seem like an intentional cute accessory—that just happens to hold your hair tie.

9. Pants That Are Too Long

There are many things in life that would classify as being a drag, but your pants shouldn’t be one of them. Hemlines that flirt with the floor are just fine, but you’ve gone too far when they make contact. Along with carrying around dirt and other grime, long pants can become damaged from their trip.
Prevent this fashion faux pas by visiting the tailor. Bring the shoes you like to wear with them the most along so the tailor has an idea of how much length to remove.

If you’re really attached to some long pants, though, and you don’t want to change them, consider wearing taller shoes. These affordable heels come in every color so you can get a pair to match any outfit; this way, even your longest pants won’t drag on the ground.

10. Wearing Athletic Shoes in Non-athletic Situations

Sure, your tennis shoes are comfortable, but unless you’re on a tennis court, they look out of place. Athletic shoes stick out like a sore thumb and can make you look like a teenager (and not in a good way).
This isn’t a hard and fast rule, however. There is grey area between what is an athletic shoe and what is a cute shoe. Tennis shoes often look messy unless you’re working out in them, but certain sneakers have an air of class and style.

If you’re attached to wearing athletic shoes but don’t want to look like you just left the gym, Adidas sneakers are a classic.

11. While We’re at It: Not Cleaning Your Shoes

You wouldn’t leave the house in mud-covered clothing, so why would you walk outside with dirty shoes? A pair of less-than-clean kicks can ruin your outfit faster than you can click your heels together.
A quick swipe when you walk through the door can prevent buildup on heels and boots, but your sneakers are often a different story. Their material can make stains difficult to erase. Fortunately, you can usually rid shoes of unsightly marks by tossing them in the washer.

According to USAToday.com, you’ll need to sprinkle the insides of each sneaker with 3 tablespoons of baking soda and leave them overnight. Shake the soda out in the morning.
Remove the laces from your sneakers and place them in a pillowcase to stop them from getting tangled in the wash. Wipe as much dirt and debris from your shoes as you can with a scrubbing brush, then toss the laces and the shoes in the washer. Protect your shoes and your washer by throwing four to six towels in, as well. This will keep your shoes protected and stop them from banging against the washing machine.
Use liquid detergent and wash the shoes in a cold, delicate cycle. Allow the shoes to air-dry once they are clean. Avoid putting them in the dryer, as its heat can damage your sneakers.

If you’re constantly getting your shoes dirty, it might be a good idea to invest in a shoe cleaning kit as well—this one includes cleaner, a brush, and a towel.

12. Wearing Clothes That Don’t Fit Correctly

Nothing can kill your style quite as quickly as an oversized shirt or too-tight pants. Even if the clothes feel comfortable, if they don’t fit, don’t wear them.
However, falling in love with a piece of clothing that doesn’t exactly fit is a common tragedy. You can likely fix it, however, by taking the garment to a tailor.

Do remember that different clothing manufacturers size their garments quite differently. If you’re a size 2 at one store, you might be a size 6 somewhere else, so trust the fit, not the tag. Always take the time to try on clothes before you buy them.

If you have a dress or blouse that is too big but just so cute, you could accessorize it with a fashion belt around the waist for a more fitted, put-together look.

13. That Applies to the Shoes, Too

Shoes that are too large or too tight create an interesting effect, and not in a good way. Oversized shoes make you look like you’ve got a bit role in the upcoming IT remake, whereas small shoes can make your feet look like they’re planning a prison break.

Again, try shoes on before you buy them, and if you’re not sure if you’re wearing the right size, get a second opinion before you head somewhere important.
Raw, red skin on the heels and feet from too big or too small shoes isn’t comfortable or cute, either, so if you’ve got shoes that rub and blister, try these heel cushion adhesive inserts.

14. Wearing White Clothing That Isn’t White Anymore

Alas, even the whitest whites will eventually start to turn a pale yellow color. The good news is that you can usually restore your whites with a simple bleach bath, and if you’ve got an aversion to bleach, baking soda or hydrogen peroxide can work wonders.

Whatever you use to whiten your clothes, use it consistently. A t-shirt with a vaguely straw-colored hue doesn’t have the same look as a crisp white top.

15. Not Taking Care of Your Nails

A manicure can turn nails from cute to cringe-worthy in a matter of minutes and all it takes is a single chip in the polish. Although keeping a perfect manicure for more than a week or two is just about impossible, you can increase its lifespan by following these simple steps.
First, apply an even and thin base coat. Allow the layer to completely dry, which usually takes at least two minutes before you put on another coat. Use a gel-finish top coat or an at-home LED lamp to help your nails dry.
If you want a professional manicure, ask them to skip the top coat and apply the gel finishing coat when you get home.

And don’t forget to keep your cuticles and fingers looking healthy—dry, cracked skin is as unsightly as it is uncomfortable. We like Burt’s Bees Almond & Milk Hand Cream, and this cute little jar is perfect to stick in your bag or keep at your desk.

16. Carrying a Massive Bag

Sure, it’s great to have a bag that can carry your laptop, makeup kit, car keys, and body cream while still leaving enough room for a full-grown chihuahua, but a big bag can easily throw off the rest of your outfit. After all, a bag is an accessory.

Opt for a smaller bag for job interviews and other important events, and if you need a big bag to hold your laptop when you’re headed to the office, there are plenty of affordable (and adorable!) computer bag options that aren’t too bulky.

This floral print one from DACHEE is a perfectly sleek and subtle pop of color.

17. Missing a Belt Loop (and Other Minor Mistakes)

Pay attention to the little things. You can have a perfectly put together outfit, only to sabotage yourself by missing a belt loop or leaving a visible zipper.
We’re not saying that every inch of your outfit has to be absolutely perfect, but do a quick ocular pat down of yourself before you leave the house; if you don’t have a decent-sized mirror, now’s the time to get one.

Make sure that you’re not making any obvious mistakes.

18. Making Too Many Adjustments to Your Outfit

On the other hand, once you leave the house, try to stop worrying. Don’t constantly pick at your clothes or mess with your sleeves; guys, leave the tie alone. Fidgeting with your clothing is a sure way to look messy, even if there’s nothing actually wrong with your look.

If you really can’t stop fidgeting, recognize that you’re a little stressed out. Take a moment to collect yourself, squeeze a tennis ball, or do whatever else you have to do to stop picking your outfit apart.

If you can’t stop stressing about the way you look, a compact mirror you can carry in your bag or keep at your desk at work might settle your nerves a bit—but beware, the magnifying ones might get a little too up-close and personal. These small mirrors from Amazon come it several chic patterns.

19. Clothes That Are Pilling

It happens to the best of ‘em. A few times into wearing, you notice that certain spots on your garment are a little rougher than others. The next thing you know, a bunch of tiny little balls join the party and take up space on those rough patches, which are most likely in the armpit or thigh areas. These clothing-crashers are called pills and are formed when fabric rubs together.
Blended fabrics are usually the most susceptible to becoming pilling victims, says Good Housekeeping magazine. Fiber blends that contain three or more fabrics have a higher incidence of pilling, especially those that contain both natural and synthetic fibers.

To prevent damage, turn your garment inside out before washing. Doing so prevents the fabric from rubbing against other clothes in the wash, stopping the pills before they wreak havoc.
The gold standard for pill-prone garments is hand-washing. Placing your washer on the gentle or delicate setting is second best. Air-drying your clothing can also help to keep it safe. Once everything is washed and dried, store or hang your garments inside out.

If you’ve got a favorite sweater that’s already pilling, however, you can remove most of the fuzz with a simple trick. First, rub a pumice stone over the fabric to loosen up the little fuzz balls, then run a lint roller over the fabric to remove them.

20. Not Getting Your Favorite Pair of Shoes Repaired

We get it; you love your shoes, even if the soles are fading away and the leather is scuffed. The good news is that a talented cobbler can perform those much-needed repairs, restoring your favorite kicks to their former glory.

The bad news is that the longer you wait, the more you’ll pay—and the worse you’ll look. If you’re going to keep that old pair of shoes, take care of them.

If you’ve got a favorite pair of shoes that are coming unattached to the sole, you may not need to go to a cobbler just yet—invest in a good bottle of shoe glue to keep on hand for minor fixes.

21. For Guys: Unkempt Facial Hair

The beard is back, folks. Facial hair hasn’t been this fashionable since the Old West. With a great beard comes great responsibility, though, and too many of us are forgetting that beard maintenance takes work. A neat, masculine face-mane is one thing. Grizzly Adams is another.

To keep from looking sloppy, make sure that you keep your beard neat and trimmed. That means shaving your neck, and probably your cheeks as well. And don’t underestimate the power of a good beard oil—moisturizing facial hair and the skin underneath is essential for a healthy-looking beard. This beard care kit comes with 100 percent natural and organic beard oil, beard wax, a brush, and scissors for trimming.

When trimming and shaving, remember: There should be clear lines demarcating “beard” and “non-beard.” Otherwise, you’re not just Brooklyn hip. You’re mountain-man messy.

22. For Women: Visible Bra Straps

There’s a war going down in our culture today, and internet comments threads are the battlefields. That war is over the appropriateness of visible bra straps.
“Adult women wear bras, and people should deal with it,” say the pro-bra-strap ladies who just don’t care.

“Bra straps are never, ever appropriate in a professional setting,” say the human resource managers.
Given the controversy, it’s safest to keep your straps covered up. You might not look like you’re making a point; you might just look like you got dressed in the dark. This is not to take a side in the debate.

We’re just saying that the smart money is always on covering undergarments. These clips and straps work great, or go with a strapless bra.

23. Wearing Oversized Clothes to Hide Your Figure

Oversized clothing is “in” right now, but don’t play into the trend just to hide your figure when you’re feeling bloated or self-conscious. Tuck in those oversized tops or add a belt; make sure that your figure’s visible.

You rock, and there’s no reason to sink into your clothing. If you want to go a few sizes up, have a plan and make an effort to balance your outfit’s proportions.

24. Excessively Long Sleeves

Long sleeves can easily make you look like a little kid. Unfortunately, if you’ve got short arms, a shirt might flatter the rest of your figure perfectly but leave your arms looking like flopping noodles.

If you don’t want to roll up, go ahead and give your tailor a call—and if you don’t have a tailor, get one. For a few bucks, you can get a perfectly crafted look, provided that you’re on a tailor’s good side, and you’ll never go back to straight off-the-rack clothes again. That applies to both men and women (and guys, having a tailor will instantly put you way ahead of your competition).

But if you’ve got short arms and don’t want to cough up the extra money for a tailor, you’ve still got options. A three-fourth sleeve shirt does wonders to make the arms appear longer. Pair this one with leggings or jeggings.

25. Going Really Retro (Without Any Sort of Twist)

We’re fine with retro looks, to be absolutely clear. You just need to have some sort of a modern update, or you’ll end up looking like you got stranded in a 1980s (or earlier!) department store.
Modern accessories can provide a great, easy update. Your shoes and bottoms can also be modernized to complement a vintage top.

Just take it easy on the nostalgic items, and you’ll be fine; otherwise, you’ll look like you didn’t spend enough time thinking this through.

26. Taking the Term “Boyfriend Blazer” Too Literally

There are some great boyfriend blazers in the boutiques these days, but you can’t literally lift a boyfriend’s jacket and expect to look chic. What the designers call a “boyfriend blazer” is actually cut to strike a very feminine figure. Blazers designed for men, meanwhile, will make you look like David Byrne during his big-suit era.

No matter how romantic you think it is to snuggle in your boyfriend’s clothes, doing so likely gives you a sloppy appearance. If you like the idea of donning garments that have that boyfriend-type style, look for boyfriend-cut clothes. Despite the name, this type of clothing is cut for feminine figures, and looks amazing.

27. Showing up With Wet Hair

Nothing says “I overslept” like going out with wet hair. You get a pass if it’s raining, but otherwise, put that blow dryer to work. You want your look to be complete before you show up at an important work function or, God forbid, a hot date.

Wet hair sends the message that you were rushing to get out of the house, which suggests general sloppiness. We get it, though—you totally were rushing out of the house.

28. Leggings as Pants

This fashion faux pas has taken the nation by storm. We blame the rise of the yoga pant.

Leggings can be a key ingredient in a super cute outfit, but don’t mistake them for fully formed bottoms in themselves. Throw on a short skirt or wear a dress if your shirt is belly-grazing; the key is to keep your backside from hitting people in the face. That’s just sloppy (even if it’s incredibly comfortable).

Leggings can be paired with longer shirts or tunics for a more polished look if you’re not quite ready to say goodbye to the comfort factor of wearing leggings as pants. Just make sure your bum is covered.

29. Day-old Eye Makeup

It can be tempting to leave yesterday’s mascara and eyeliner on rather than going through the arduous process of removing and re-applying. Don’t give into temptation; people can totally tell, and you’re really not saving that much time in the long run.

On day two, mascara gets clumpy. Old eyeliner fades unevenly, leaving you looking like a Picasso painting. There’s only one way to keep your eye-makeup game going strong, and that’s to clean and re-apply daily. Sorry to break the bad news.

To make it easy on yourself, keep a pack of makeup removing wipes in your nightstand, so you never have an excuse to sleep in your eye makeup. That way, you won’t even be tempted to go to work the next morning in your day-old liner and mascara.

30. Smudges on Your Glasses

A cute pair of frames is great, but you’ll spoil the effect if you let lenses get smudged and greasy.

Keep a microfiber cloth handy at all times, and be sure to rub down your glasses before an important encounter. You definitely want to look your best if you’re getting close enough for someone to see your glasses in such detail.

Also, consider investing in a lens cleaning kit with spray and a cloth to get off tougher smudges—plus, it can be used on your phone and laptop screens, too.

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11 Stories Of When Small Symptoms Pointed To Life-Changing Diagnoses

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date October 11, 2018

According to a survey by Bankrate, one in four Americans avoid going to the doctor due to the high cost of medical care. Sometimes, though, money isn’t the issue; we simply don’t believe that we’re that sick. Why spend a few hundred bucks at the doctor’s office when you’ve only got a slight sniffle?
Unfortunately, we don’t have the necessary training to diagnose our own illnesses, and while some symptoms might seem relatively minor, they can be indicative of fairly serious issues. In a recent Reddit thread, users shared their stories of small problems that had big implications.

We collected the best of these stories, edited them slightly for readability, and share them here as cautionary tales.
If you’re thinking about putting off that next routine checkup, these stories might change your mind.

1. Even when one doctor gives you a clean bill of health, you might need a second opinion.

“When I was deployed to Afghanistan as a medic, a medevac pilot came in because he had a small abnormality on his flight physical electrocardiogram (EKG),” Reddit user Absolute906 wrote. “Apparently, this was something he had been getting waivers for years for.”
In other words, the pilot was familiar with the problem, but as far as he knew, it wasn’t really a problem—or at least, it wasn’t anything that would stop him from working.

“I had just finished an [anatomy and physiology] class and had learned about something called Brugada syndrome, which is basically an arrhythmia that causes sudden cardiac death in the patient. I jokingly mentioned how his EKG reminded me of the abnormality I saw in my textbook, thinking there was no way he actually had it. It had to be [an] artifact from the EKG.”

“The doctor’s eyes widened and he sprinted out of the office,” they continued. “The pilot had it. He was immediately relieved of flight duty, sent home, and had a defibrillator put into his heart before being medically retired.”

“I accidentally diagnosed a man with certain death.”
That’s the pessimistic perspective; looking at it another way, Absolute906 had almost certainly saved the pilot from certain death. Brugada syndrome typically causes sudden death around age 40, and because it’s so rare—it’s thought to affect 5 out of every 10,000 people—it’s often missed or ignored until it’s too late.

2. Bad headaches can certainly indicate a serious issue.

We’ve covered this before: headaches can be a serious symptom when they’re frequent or excessively painful. When you can describe a headache as “the worst I’ve ever had,” it’s certainly time to head to your family physician’s office.
“When I was 12, I had a crazy bad headache that wouldn’t go away,” wrote user muffinlova. “My dad brought me to the doctor, and I didn’t even make it to the exam room before they turned me back and sent us to the hospital.”

“It turns out my headache was from a burst sinus cavity…as in, all the bones around my eye broke, and the liquid leaked back onto my brain, giving me brain meningitis. My eye was bulging out to the point where I looked like an alien, and they told my parents I was not going to make it.”
“Obviously, I pulled through, but I was hospitalized for two weeks and missed two months of school. I was, at the time, only the third known case of this happening, and they had flown in doctors from all over the US and from the UK. Crazy stuff.”

3. Even if you feel perfectly healthy, trust your physician.

Reddit user ThePicklest’s father used to be a powerlifter. The key word there is “used to.” One day, he felt some unusual pain, so he went to the doctor’s office.
“A nurse comes in to the room, looks down at her chart, looks back up and says, ‘Mr. Pickle, you are having a heart attack.’ He got up on the bed and flexed, saying, ‘Does this look like a man that’s having a heart attack to you?'”
“She looked back down at her chart, up again, and says ‘Yes.’”

Cardiac arrest can have a variety of symptoms, including fatigue, sweating, nausea, and cold or clammy skin (we’ve got a more detailed list of symptoms here). Mr. Pickle—and yes, we love saying that—made a classic mistake by assuming that heart attacks can only affect people who appear obviously unhealthy. Heart attacks don’t always look like they do in the movies; more often than not, they’re surprisingly subtle.
Fortunately, he lived through the episode, although he’s since passed away due to unrelated issues. ThePicklest notes that his father quit powerlifting a short time later and became “way more laid back.”
“He started running more than lifting, and learned to appreciate food a lot more. This was his favorite story to tell.”

4. Any sudden numbness certainly deserves medical attention.

“My mother woke up one day and her arm was numb,” user Stylophonics wrote. “After about 45 minutes, it will still pretty numb. She thought she had pinched a nerve in it sleeping, but went to the ER just in case.”
“She had had a stroke, which actually was caused by a blood clot, which moved up from her heart and exited a hole in her heart—a congenital defect she was unaware she had.”

“She ended up fine and the feeling in her arm came back,” Stylophonics continued, “but she was incredibly lucky that it did.”
Strokes are the leading preventable cause of disability, and by one estimate, 33 percent of Americans have had “mini-strokes” without realizing it. Each year, about 800,000 Americans have strokes. We’re really not trying to scare you—we’re just hoping that some cold, hard numbers help to show the reality.
The good news: Early diagnosis and treatment can greatly reduce the risk of long-term effects. The bad news: You’ve got to actually head to the doctor in order to receive said treatment.

5. Occasionally, physicians miss key symptoms for years…or decades.

“I was in a fender bender car accident—I was at fault—and my lower back would not stop aching,” wrote one Reddit user. “I went into the ER, figuring I had sprained the muscles in my back and that I would be prescribed muscle relaxers and maybe some pain pills.”
Of course, that wasn’t the case. The doctors seemed keenly interested in the patient’s bizarre results.

“Six hours, several x-rays, a CT scan, and four doctors later, I found out my spine was broken and—get this—healed. The best theory any of them could come up with was that my spine had broken during birth, and since we never knew, it just healed itself, filling in with cartilage.”
“One of the doctors told me that, had we known my spine broke at birth, I would have likely never walked. I would have been treated as handicapped my whole life. I didn’t find out until I was 20, and I already had a child. My mom cried because she always thought I was just a really colicky baby, when in fact I was probably in a lot of pain.”

6. When your doctor’s exam procedures seem extreme, go along with them.

“I have male pattern baldness and needed a prescription for some hair growth medication from a dermatologist,” wrote Redditor mattigus. “The doctor said he would give me a prescription, but first wanted to do a full skin check-up, which he does for every new patient. I got annoyed by the fact that I had to strip … in front of this guy just for my hair medicine.”

Hey, there’s a reason that the most effective medicines require a prescription—the physician has to check to make sure that you don’t have any other underlying health conditions that will affect the medication. In this case, that underlying condition was extremely serious.
“A few weeks later, I get a call,” he explained. “There was melanoma cancer on my back. They caught it early enough that it hadn’t spread. That checkup saved my life.”

7. Remember, serious symptoms aren’t always painful.

Reddit user so_illogical said that he might have bit the big one (pun intended) if he hadn’t checked up on some weird symptoms after a routine dental procedure.
“I was taking antibiotics for dental work and noticed these weird blisters showing up everywhere,” they wrote. “Weird, but whatever. 48 hours later, they started opening up, leaving holes in my skin—no blood, I just lost most of the skin in that area. Again, weird, but I was working, so whatever.”

“Then they started appearing in my throat so I got to the hospital ASAP and was diagnosed immediately with Steven-Johnson syndrome. Any longer, and the layers of my skin would have literally peeled away from each other and I would have died. That was a sobering day.”
And people wonder why we hate the dentist.

8. When your physician recommends a CT scan, go for it.

“I had gallstones for three years or so before I finally got my gallbladder ripped out last year,” Redditor dude_icus wrote, using some unnecessarily violent verbiage. “At its worst, I was getting an attack maybe once a month or so, so I figured it couldn’t be that bad.”

“I went to the surgeon for my post-op check-up,” he explained. “He told me that my gallbladder was filled with hundreds of stones of varying sizes, and that it was precancerous. Apparently, people don’t typically get gallbladder cancer until they are in their 80s or 90s. It is often very serious because people don’t catch it right away. I’m in my 20s, and like I said, I had been sitting on this problem for three years for I finally toughened up enough to get it checked out.”
The moral of the story: If you notice a new medical problem, don’t wait to head to the doctor—even if you’re fairly confident that you know what’s happening. You’ve got nothing to lose but your health.

9. Some of these stories are pretty heartbreaking.

“My girlfriend is in her final rotations for radiology,” wrote Facerless. “A while back, a young girl came in after winning a basketball championship. She had some shooting shin pain, but wasn’t in a [tremendous amount] of pain, still glowing from the win and talking excitedly about a scholarship offer.”

“When her scan came back, about 60 percent of the marrow in her tibia was one big sarcoma (meaning cancer). Surgery and therapy essentially ended her shot at a full ride.”
Still, it saved her life. While losing a scholarship certainly hurts, we’re guessing that she gladly made the trade.

10. Some rare conditions can prompt a “mock pregnancy.”

“A few years ago, I took a positive pregnancy test,” Doctor_Dalek wrote (she’s not an actual doctor, despite her Whovian username).
“I went to the doctor to confirm, just thinking I would be getting some blood work done and maybe an ultrasound. They did the ultrasound, but couldn’t find a baby in my uterus, so they told me it was ectopic—implanted in a Fallopian tube—and I needed to have surgery to remove the baby.”
“I went into surgery and woke up a few hours later. The first thing I remember is seeing my parents and my fiancé crying. Turns out I was never pregnant; I actually had a tumor the size of my fist on my ovary, and my body was reacting to it like a baby. I had an HCG hormone and everything. I’m 4.5 years in remission.”

Unfortunately, that’s not the only deeply disturbing pregnancy story on this list. Reddit user rockabillynurse is a nurse (hence the username) who was working in postpartum care when a patient came into the hospital in labor with her first child.
“She ended up requiring a C-section. In the operating room, they opened her up and found her belly full of cancerous growths. They immediately paged an oncologist at a neighboring hospital—we were just a women’s and children’s hospital—to come immediately while she was still open. It wound up being terminal. She wouldn’t even have known if she hadn’t needed that C-section.”
“Can you imagine going to the hospital to have your first baby and leaving with a diagnosis of terminal cancer? I think about her all the time.”

11. Any unusual long-term symptom certainly deserves medical attention.

“About four months after I had my son, I started to notice the vision in one of my eyes was really off,” wrote user tranquileyesme. “Blurry, spotty, etc. I didn’t really think about it much, because my eye didn’t hurt and wasn’t itchy, and I had a new baby to take care of.”
“Anyway, it lasted for months. Finally, my mom and sister convinced me I had to go to the eye doctor for it to see what was going on. I took my baby with, because I thought, ‘Hey, quick appointment. Maybe 20-30 minutes, and I’ll probably leave with some eye drops or something.'”
“Honestly, one of the worst days of my life. They put me through test after test. I was there for hours. I ended up calling my mom to come get the baby. They weren’t telling me anything. They scheduled an MRI for the next morning, because by this time, my 11 a.m. appointment had dragged out until 5:30 p.m., and the clinic was closed. We were the only people there. Still no answers. I am freaking out.”

“[I] go back the next day and get the MRI done,” she continued. “They send me to the neurologist this time—no eye doctors today. When I walk in, he has all the results from my tests the day before and the MRI I had just taken a while before. I was told I had multiple sclerosis. It was very scary.”
She says she’s doing well, thanks to a supportive family and a firm commitment to her therapy.
“The first years were the hardest, with [having] a toddler and learning to adjust. Now he’s 10 and more self-sufficient. We decided not to have more children, which was really hard, but overall the best decision for our family.”

So, how do you know whether you really need to see your physician?

When in doubt, go ahead and set up an appointment. No one’s going to accuse you of being a hypochondriac just because you checked out some unusual symptoms, and as these stories demonstrate, you’re better safe than sorry.
“As a physician: listen to your bodies,” user Doctorpayne wrote. “You guys know yourselves much better than we will even after talking to you in an emergency room for 5-10 minutes. If something is going on that is far outside the usual, please come in to the ER. I would much rather see you and tell you you’re fine [rather than] than sick beyond the point of repair.”
With that said, don’t overreact if you’ve experienced any of the symptoms in this article. These stories are notable because they’re the exception; chances are good that you’ll be perfectly fine. Still, it never hurts to stay on top of your health.

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Happy Home Lifestyle

She’s The Breadwinner: Why Happiness On The Homefront Might Be At Stake When Women Out-Earn Their Partners

Post author By Nina Bahadur
Post date October 10, 2018

There’s something interesting happening with a number of heterosexual couples: When the woman in the couple earns more than the man, the two spouses tend to report their incomes differently. The woman in the couple will say she makes less than she actually does, and the man will undervalue what she makes, too.
Meanwhile, the man is more likely to say he earns more than he actually does—and the wife is likely to say the same. Translation: Some people are still struggling with the idea of a female breadwinner in a heterosexual marriage.

The Census Bureau recently discovered this trend among married couples when they saw that couples’ self-reporting didn’t always match their IRS filings.
“When a wife earns more, both husbands and wives exaggerate the husband’s earnings and diminish the wife’s,” according to a Census.gov article published in July 2018. “But husbands overstate their own earnings less than wives do, and wives devalue their own earnings less than husbands do.”

Basically, women who out-earn their male partners underreport their earnings, downplaying their financial success; the men in these relationships understate their wives’ earnings even further. Further, both parties overstate the husband’s earnings, with women exaggerating the most.
It’s clear that our culture is uncomfortable with women earning the majority of the money in their relationship. Why is this, and how common are female breadwinners anyway? Here’s what you should know.

In the United States, it wasn’t common for married or coupled women to work outside the home until a few decades ago.

Of course, women have always labored and contributed to their partnerships or families. Women around the world have done agricultural work for millennia and continue to do so today. Women also took on the brunt of work around the home, including cooking, cleaning, childcare, and laundry. Worldwide, many single and coupled women work outside of their homes to bring in an income, supporting themselves and their families.

That said, in the United States specifically, it wasn’t common for married women to work in non-agricultural, professional settings until World War II. According to a book by labor historian Kim Moody, “The rate of participation of women in the labor force rose from about 28 percent in 1940 to 37 percent in 1945 and then fell to 30 percent in 1947. By 1950, it was around 32 percent, below the wartime peak but above the prewar level.”
In 2018, according to the U.S. Department of Labor, there are 74.6 million women in the American civilian labor force. Almost 47 percent of people working in the U.S. are women. And moms are currently the “primary or sole earners” for a full 40 percent of households with kids under 18. Back in 1960, this number was just 11 percent. And data from the Pew Research Center suggests that 28 percent of women earn more than their husband or male partner, while 3 percent earn the same salary.

Data also shows that many people still hold old-fashioned opinions about what men and women’s roles within a partnership or family should be. According to the same Pew research, 71 percent of Americans say it’s “very important” for a man to be “able to support a family financially to be a good husband or partner.” Only 32 percent say the same about women. And 51 percent of Pew survey respondents believe that kids are better off if they have a mother who stays home with them and doesn’t hold a job outside the home—compared to 8 percent who say the same thing about a father.

Research shows that issues can arise when women out-earn their male partners.

One study found that woman breadwinners were more likely to spend time on household chores than their partners and that these couples were “less satisfied with their marriage and are more likely to divorce.” Another found that heterosexual men’s self-esteem took a hit when their partner was successful at a given task. Another found that working moms were still more involved in childcare than their working partners.

Essentially, the research indicates that working women who out-earn their male partners are more likely to take on the bulk of the housework and, if they have children, to handle the majority of childcare. Plus, their partners were more likely to struggle from self-esteem issues due to their success. Unsurprisingly, this can cause all sorts of problems.
[pullquote align=”center”]“You think you have it all. Your career is rocking, you’re providing for your family … it’s everything your mother and grandmothers dreamed about for you. Then someone asks, ‘Is your husband okay with your success?’”
—Lisa Earle McLeod[/pullquote]
Lisa Earle McLeod, founder of McLeod & More and author of Selling with Noble Purpose, has been the breadwinner in her family for the past ten years. She says that other people’s questions regarding her family dynamic were extremely frustrating, and notes that no one asked her about her feelings when her husband was the breadwinner for a decade.

“You think you have it all,” she says. “Your career is rocking, you’re providing for your family, your business is growing, you feel fulfilled, it’s everything your mother and grandmothers dreamed about for you. Then someone asks, ‘Is your husband okay with your success?’”

Leading with Noble Purpose author Lisa McLeod. #acmp2017 pic.twitter.com/Pvb9QrOZY0

— ACMP Texas Chapter (@acmptexas) May 22, 2017

McLeod says her reaction to this type of question or comment varies. Sometimes it saddens her, and other times she’ll hit back with a sarcastic response. If a man asked her the question, she says she will ask him if his wife is okay with his success. She says that these type of comments can make her and her husband self-conscious, even though he is incredibly supportive of her career.
“This conversation spills over into your marriage,” she says. “We like to think we’re immune to the opinions of others, but we’re not. You find yourself asking, ‘Is it weird for you? Do you feel uncomfortable?’ The worst is when you find yourself minimizing your accomplishments—something men rarely do.”
https://twitter.com/diepthought/status/768167469814919168
Sadly, research shows that couples where the woman is the breadwinner are more likely to divorce. Data collected by the University of Chicago’s Booth Business School found that a woman out-earning her husband “increases the likelihood of divorce by 50 percent.”

Ultimately, every couple should do what works for them and their family.

But if you are a woman breadwinner (or plan to assume that role in the future) and your partner isn’t handling it well, what should you do?
Experts say that frank communication is key.
[pullquote align=”center”]“In my relationship, there have been times that I was the main breadwinner. …By treating everything as ‘ours’ and making plans together, there is never resentment whenever one of us is the bigger breadwinner.”
—Jamie Klingman, real estate broker[/pullquote]
“Create time in your relationship to talk about this dynamic and how you both are feeling about it, says couples’ therapist Heidi McBain. “Have a conversation about what this ‘role reversal’ means to each of you personally as well as professionally, and figure out ways that you can best support each other. Actively listen to what your partner is saying, even if it’s hard to hear at times.”

Communication and prioritizing each person’s happiness is how Jamie Klingman, a real estate broker, makes things work when she is earning more than her partner. She and her husband have learned to adapt and compromise depending on the other person’s schedule and duties.
“In my relationship, there have been times that I was the main breadwinner. We both prioritize happiness in our careers, and that leads to times where one of us makes more than another,” Klingman says. “We plan for each season and share our financial goals and expenditures. By treating everything as ‘ours’ and making plans together, there is never resentment whenever one of us is the bigger breadwinner.”

“We also realign duties depending on our workloads,” she says. “I take the bigger share when my schedule isn’t as taxed, and he does when his is less. By regularly evaluating and adjusting and prioritizing each other’s most important ‘musts,’ the rest follows suit.”
McBain says that couples who are struggling to talk things out on their own should think about seeing a therapist together to tackle the issues they are facing. There is nothing shameful about going to therapy—a counselor’s office can be a safe space to share any feelings of frustration, resentment, or sadness. Plus, trained counselors can offer you helpful communication tools and ideas for repairing your relationship if needed.

“Couples’ counseling is a great resource and safe place to have these conversations if you’ve tried on your own and haven’t gotten anywhere,” she says. “A trained therapist can help you see the dysfunctional patterns in your relationship and help you to create new, healthier ways of interacting with each other.”

Going forward, it seems likely that young people plan on forging their own paths, regardless of traditional gender roles.

Research shows that college students don’t necessarily plan to follow the caregiver–breadwinner model in their families or partnerships. To be clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this model—it works for many people and families across the United States and all over the world.
But women who want to be the breadwinners in their families, or earn the same as their partners, should be just as widely accepted as those who earn less than their partners or are full-time caregivers or homemakers.

Young people of all genders report that they plan to up-end traditional family frameworks and do what works for them—and we should all be on board with that.

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Health x Body Wellbeing

Types C and D: Two Unique But Often-Overlooked Personality Types

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date October 10, 2018

“Knowing yourself is the first battle won,” says Claudia Luiz, PsyD, a psychoanalyst and author in NYC. Learning how to achieve this, however, can be somewhat of a puzzle. While there’s an unfathomable amount of online tests to pick and choose from, trying to make sense of it all can get, well, overwhelming, to say the least (raise your hand if you’ve ever gone down the Buzzfeed spiral before).
And as someone who’s spent hours poring over their Myers Briggs results, I can say this with unequivocal certainty: Figuring yourself out isn’t for the weak of heart. Yet despite this sea of personality test ambiguity, one thing has remained comfortingly clear: People are generally described as type As or Bs, high strung and competitive vs. laid back, ambitious and overachieving vs. chill.

But what if I told you that in fact, the alphabet doesn’t end there?
Turns out types C and D were there all along! And since you can never have too much self-awareness, I set out to find some much-needed answers about these less-commonly-discussed personality types. If you’re curious to learn what psychologists have to say about these elusive, lesser-known personality types (as I most certainly was), read on.

What is a type D personality?

We all know type As are considered highly driven and competitive, while Bs tend toward lower stress levels and exude a more laid-back approach to life. Ds, on the other hand, are the ones who experience negative emotions like stress and anxiety but choose to instead ignore their feelings, causing all manner of ills.

Type D is far from being the new kid on the personality block—the term was first coined in the early ’90s by psychologist Johan Denollet at Tilburg University. The D actually stands for distressed, meaning that similar to type A individuals, Ds are also prone to health conditions like cardiac disease.
“On the one hand, type-D people have the tendency to experience negative emotions, such as anxiety, depression, stress, and so on,” Denollet explained in an interview with Medscape’s heartwire. “At the same time, they also score higher [on tests] measuring social inhibition. Type-D patients are more closed in social interactions and are more unlikely to disclose their personal feelings toward others and tend to feel a bit insecure. This combination makes them more liable to chronic forms of psychological distress.”

This may be due in part to type D’s propensity for a half-empty mindset. In one 2010 study, Denollet and the other study authors noted that “symptoms of depression/anxiety not only reflect episodic distress but also a more ingrained tendency to experience distress” in those with distressed personalities.

Signs to Look Out For

Find yourself feeling irritable all the time? According to Psychology Today, this could be a sign you have a type D personality. Here are some other questions to ask yourself: Do I keep mostly to myself and tend to hide my feelings from others? Am I often gloomy?

While all personality types might struggle with these feelings from time to time, type Ds will find these statements to be true more often than not. In the work environment, this looks like someone who becomes more easily stressed and is more prone to experiencing burnout than their peers. At home, it could be a refusal to talk about feelings or becoming easily frustrated by minor irritations.

Wait—what happened to type C?

Considered the anti rule-breakers of the personality alphabet—those with type C personalities are known for their perfectionism. They strive for excellence, often devoting long hours to completing one specific task. While they may seem quiet and thoughtful on the outside, they are actually seething inside.

“Type C personalities are prone to both stress and depression because they tend to be emotionally repressed, unassertive, and perfectionists,” Reichbach pointed out. That said, he also noted they also have plenty of positive traits, like being thoughtful and dependable.
And though type Cs can be patient and kind, they tend to avoid their negative emotions and have difficulty coping with their problems, which can contribute to its own long-term effects and significant health issues.

If you see yourself here, take heart. According to Sal Raichbach, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in West Palm Beach, the first step in overcoming these negative traits is by learning more about your personality type.
“You have to be able to recognize a problem before you can address it,” he insists.
Similarly, Luiz believes the biggest mistake people make is trying to change their innate personality. “You can’t always choose your thoughts,” she says. “You can, however, choose the attitude you will exercise toward those thoughts.”

Get to know your struggles.

Experts stress that it’s important to keep researching our personalities further because the more we understand, the more proactive we can be. Part of this means being aware of the difficulties that might arise.

As Susan Krauss notes in Psychology Today: “Individuals in [the type D group] are likely to be anxious, lonely, and perhaps even traumatized, all of which cause their mental health to suffer.” One 2016 study published in the International Journal of Social Psychiatry found a link between type D and childhood trauma (emotional and physical neglect as well as abuse).
“The evidence is quite clear that personality D is physically harmful,” Raichback adds, “as these personalities are much more likely to have heart issues and the issues are more likely to be fatal—this is true with other diseases as well, where a type D ends up sicker than others.”
While type C hasn’t been directly linked to health issues (despite early claims that it was connected to cancer), difficulties arise for people with type C personalities when presented with health issues. “If they get a serious diagnosis, they may be passive, throw their hands up, and say, ‘Well, there’s nothing I can do about it, anyway. If it’s my time, it’s my time,’” clinical psychologist Robin Belamaric told U.S. News & World Report.

I’m pretty sure I fall into one of these categories. Now what?

“We will often hear type A personalities say that they are not really controlling,” affirms Luiz, “and similarly, many type D personalities would prefer to think of themselves as victims of circumstance rather than know their own innate tendency toward negativity.”
When it comes down to it, the difficulty in knowing your tendency toward negativity, anxiety, worry, and pessimism is often in finding it unacceptable and not liking yourself. “Then, you will want to revert back to defending against how your mind tends to work,” Luiz adds. “So the way to surrendering to what you really are is accepting it without judgment.

“Knowing and then accepting your personality is what makes it possible for you to take care of yourself, nourish, replenish, and exercise compassion towards yourself,” she explains, “which is the path to a good life.”

Treatment Options for Improving Your Health

In terms of health, Denollet, the theory’s originator, spoke with heartwire about possible treatment options for type Ds.
“It’s important to get these patients involved in cardiac rehabilitation programs, including exercise training,” he said. “I would also advise doctors to more closely monitor these patients, maybe by getting them into the office for a more regular checkup or even by telephone to see how they’re doing and to pay particular attention to things like quitting smoking.”

Moving Past C and D

Even as we accept our natural tendency toward various personality traits, knowing they aren’t set in stone or hereditary is important. It is possible to shift from one personality type to another. Moreover, experts believe we should continually strive to move past them. “D personalities need new coping skills to bring the stress down and their self-acceptance up,” says Raichbach. “The solution, of course, involves seeking professional help.”

When it comes to C types, Raichback notes that making even small steps toward changing your temperament—learning to say no and building self-confidence—can go a long way in counteracting the negative traits of a C personality.
He points to a therapeutic technique called “motivational interviewing” as an especially helpful method for finding the internal motivation to change the negative thoughts and lack of expression. This involves collaboration between a therapist and patient, where ideas about change are evoked with emphasis on the person’s autonomy, meaning the patient isn’t told what to do or why they should do it—instead, the therapist “draws out” these motivations and skills for change.

Another crucial aspect of moving past identification with our types is exercising non-judgment toward ourselves, Luiz asserts. “It’s hard work,” she says, but the ultimate goal is figuring out how to get comfortable in a world that naturally offers up a lot of frustration and suffering (which can easily affect every personality type).

“Non-judgment, acceptance, compassion, and self-protection are the best ways to go, regardless of your type,” Luiz adds. “This is what makes it possible to choose positive outcomes no matter what you think or feel.”

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Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Differences By The Pound: Things That Set American Parents Apart From Their UK Counterparts

Post author By Mary Sauer
Post date October 9, 2018

Having spent much of her life moving between her birthplace, Britain, and the United States, Lauren Cross has had plenty of opportunities to compare British and American parenting styles.
When she thinks of her childhood and how many British children are parented, the phrase “stiff upper lip” comes to mind. The idiom has been used to describe how British people have a reputation for handling upheaval with an emotionally distant or disconnected attitude.
There is also “Keep Calm and Carry On,” a slogan of sorts that debuted on a poster produced during World War II to boost citizen morale. Although the poster was never widely circulated during the war, other posters embodying the same sentiment were, including one that read “Your Courage, Your Cheerfulness, Your Resolution will Bring Us Victory.”

“I think that definitely influenced parenting styles,” says Cross. “My parents are very loving—I didn’t want for anything—but they certainly weren’t, from my childhood perspective, merely weren’t … as indulgent as my American peers’ [parents].”
Cross provides an example from her own childhood that she feels embodies slight differences in how British children are parented.
She was spending time with a friend, who was also named Lauren, and they were each working on a drawing. As many children might, Cross asked her friend’s mother which of the two pictures she liked the best.

“Had it been my mother, she would have just picked her favorite choice,” says Cross. “The other Lauren’s mother kind of looked at me and said in this very saccharine voice, ‘Well, I’m going to have to choose my daughters as my favorite.’”
At the time, Cross felt like it was a simple enough question and didn’t understand why the mother couldn’t just choose the better picture. As a child, she also felt her American friends were disciplined less and had more toys. She even remembers her mom complaining that some of her American friends were spoiled.

If you've ever gone to a foreign country and come back to the US you never realize how fortunate you are. American Kids are spoiled.

— D / V E T Ǝ S H (@TheRealTesh) January 30, 2011

What other differences exist between British and American parenting styles, and how have these differences evolved? Carry on reading for more surprising differences between British and American parenting.

Keep calm and carry on.

In addition to parenting with “a stiff upper lip,” there are more subtle differences between British and American families.
Many believe that British children have more freedom. Lynn Adamson raised her children in the UK but visited her mother in New Jersey regularly. She noticed a big difference in how much time children spend outside.
“If you drove around the roads near [my mother’s New Jersey home], you never saw children out, not even on their own land,” she tells HealthyWay. “I rarely saw even older children wandering around the town on their own…and cannot recall ever seeing a child on a cycle.”

Clara Wiggins, who lives in the UK, agrees that British parents do seem a little more relaxed about independent outdoor play.
“My 10-year-old plays outside on her own, walks to a friend’s house alone—about a five-minute walk from my home and out of my sight—and walks to school alone,” she says. “We tend to not follow our kids around too much at the park, preferring to spend the time chatting with other parents and watching from afar.”
Cross also had an incredible amount of freedom as a child, walking to the corner store as early as 7 years old.

This more laid-back parenting style may have some generational ties. The three women mentioned above noted that just as American parents have become more cautious about unsupervised, outside play, British parents aren’t as relaxed as they once were.
Another subtle difference is how parents feel about spanking. In 2012, 70 percent of American parents indicated that they believe that “a good, hard spanking” is more than appropriate in some instances, according to research published by Brookings. It is also legal to use corporal punishment in the home in the United States.
Comparatively, the attitude about spanking is much different in the UK.

“Spanking or smacking is not acceptable at all over here,” says Laura Hall, who is from the UK and authored the recently-published book One Day, So Many Ways. “It’s the occasion when a busybody might call the police on you. We see it as child abuse.”
This is another parenting principle that may have some generational ties, with both American and British parents becoming less supportive of physical punishment in the home. The biggest difference, though, may exist in the legality of spanking.
Whether spanking is legal in the UK is not clearly defined, but there are laws in place. According to The Sun, smacking is illegal unless it is “reasonable punishment,” which seems to leave a lot of room for personal interpretation of the law. In American, on the other hand, the use of corporal punishment is still legal in all 50 states if “administered” in the home. It’s also legal in school settings in 22 American states.

The being said, British parents definitely don’t consider themselves to be lax about discipline. They may not be as likely to employ spanking, but most aim to create clear boundaries for the kids. One common household disciplinary technique is “the naughty step,” according to Hall. Popularized by The Supernanny, it’s a designated place in the home (like a step on the stairs) where children are put in timeout if they are disobedient.

Is parenting in Britain easier?

When we focus on parenting differences, either from family to family or culture to culture, it is easy to zero in on the choices parents make. What is more helpful, perhaps, is taking a larger look at the systems that exist to support parents and how differences in these systems affect the family dynamic.

When we look at the United States and the UK, the differences parents face begin from the moment they become pregnant, starting with access to healthcare. In the UK, the National Health Service provides free healthcare to all UK that is funded through taxes. In the United States, however, only a limited group of individuals qualify for subsidized or free healthcare through Medicaid and Medicare.
Once a child is born, mothers have vastly different maternity leave experiences.
“Currently, the law is that statutory maternity leave can be taken for up to 52 weeks,” explains Adamson about policy in the UK. “After the first 26 weeks, the father of the child (or the mother’s partner) has the right to take up to 26 weeks’ leave if their partner returns to work, in effect taking the place of the mother at home.”

In the United States, companies are only required by law to provide 12 weeks of leave under FMLA to new mothers. Mothers in Britain also receive some amount of wages during the maternity for up to 39 weeks, while paid maternity leave is not regulated in the United States and is offered by a very small number of companies.

Differences in Education

There are also notable differences between how children are educated in the UK versus how we approach education in the United States. While the laws vary from state to state, many states do not require full-time education for children until they reach the age of 7. Of course, many children living in the United States are in school long before then, but if parents in the United States wish to delay their child’s education, they can.
In Britain, however, the law requires all children to be in a full-time educational program by the age of 5.

It is also worth noting that parents in the UK have access to free education earlier than parents in the U.S. In the United States, school districts aren’t required to provide free education to children until they reach the age of 5. In the UK, however, from the age of three, parents can take advantage of 570 hours of free nursery school each year, which averages out to about 15 hours a week.
Additionally, for UK households where both parents work full-time, there is an option to apply for another 15 hours a week of free nursery school. For full-time working parents, it’s easy to see how these could greatly subsidize the cost of putting one or more children in care.

Once children are enrolled in school, how do their educational experiences differ? Children in the United States spend far more time in school, with their time in the classroom totaling over 1,000 hours a year on average according to data from the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development presented by HelpMeInvestigate.com. English students, by comparison, have shorter school days. Elementary school students there typically spend fewer than 700 hours in the classroom annually according to the same resource.

massive shout out to after school friday melt downs

— Luke FM Solomon (@lukesolomon) September 16, 2016

What does this mean for parents? Well, on the one hand, more time in school might make for kids who are burnt out and cranky at the end of the day, making extracurricular activities, dinner, baths, and bedtime that much more challenging. Less time in school, however, may mean working parents need to arrange (and pay for) more alternative care on weekdays before and after school.

Another stark difference between UK and U.S. education systems has to do what children wearing to school. In the UK, 90 percent of school-aged children are required to wear a uniform to school, according to The Guardian. In the United States, children enrolled in public school typically do not wear uniforms. For U.S. parents, this can mean more stressful shopping and outfit-negotiating experiences that aren’t as common on school days in the UK.

Finding Common Ground

Although many differences do exist between British and American parents, we also share a lot of similarities. In both countries, modern parents are dealing with a lot of the same struggles pertaining to monitoring screen time, controlling over-indulgence, and addressing childhood diabetes, according to Hall.
And further, parents in both countries are working to make the best decisions for their children and their families, whether that means finding more time for activities as a family or learning to handle the busyness of being a two-working-parent household.

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In Season Lifestyle

The Complete Guide To Safely Trick-Or-Treating On Halloween

Post author By HealthyWay Staff Writer
Post date October 8, 2018

For kids, Halloween is an exciting time. According to one source, about 36.1 million children go trick-or-treating every year—and that’s in the United States alone. It’s our favorite holiday of the year, outside of National Meow Like a Pirate Day, and we certainly don’t want to scare anyone away from the seasonal activities.
However, if you’re a parent, your experience with Halloween likely involves a lot of worrying. While 93 percent of households consider their neighborhoods to be safe (link opens a PDF), it’s hard to shake the feeling that the holiday is at least slightly dangerous (particularly when you see hundreds of zombies and ghouls roaming your streets).

The good news is that with proper planning, trick-or-treating is a perfectly safe and fun activity. It’s a good way to get exercise, make memories, and most importantly, get massive amounts of candy from your unsuspecting neighbors.
Here are a few tips for a happy and healthy Halloween, along with a few (hopefully) helpful product suggestions to help you plan for the season.

1. Make sure that your children go out wearing reflective gear.

We’d love to tell you that every driver exercises a little extra caution on Halloween night, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. According to the National Safety Council, children are more than twice as likely to be fatally struck by a vehicle on Halloween than on any other day of the year.
It’s not too difficult to determine why that’s the case: On Halloween, hundreds of kids walk the streets in the dusk, and drivers have a harder time seeing in low-light conditions. Before your kids head out—hopefully with an adult or an older teenager in tow—teach them to make contact with drivers before crossing the road.

ICYMI: We’re helping children be seen on #Halloween by lending them reflective vests! Details: http://t.co/FmEPHvc43G pic.twitter.com/AggiFilfDn

— MD State Highway Adm (@MDSHA) October 22, 2014

Make sure that they’re not hitting the streets glued to their phones or other electronic devices, which cause an unnecessary distraction (while also limiting them from getting the true Halloween experience, in our opinion). Remind them that every car is a potential threat, even if it’s parked; many injuries occur when kids dart between parked cars right as drivers are starting to move.
And while this might be somewhat obvious, reflective materials are absolutely essential, even if your kids won’t be trick-or-treating in complete darkness. One study found that reflective materials are most effective when applied to pedestrians’ joints, as opposed to their torsos, but really, the more reflectivity you can build into a costume, the better.

Your kids probably won’t want to wear reflective vests, but fortunately, that’s not necessary. You can get a cheap roll of reflective tape (Gear Aid’s reflective tape, available here on Amazon, is our choice), apply a few strips, and improve the safety of just about any article of clothing.
You might even find ways to use the tape as part of the costume—easy enough if your kid’s going as the Tin Man, slightly more difficult if they’re going as a ghost.

2. Try to incorporate lighter colors into your kid’s costumes.

We know, we know—Halloween’s all about scary stuff, and nobody wants to be a bright-yellow zombie. However, if you can push your kids toward brighter, lighter costumes, you’ll make them significantly more visible on dark streets, limiting their chances of an accident. Choose bright materials and accessories. Even something like a simple LED light bracelet can improve safety dramatically.

If that’s not ideal, you can look for other ways to bring a little light to your child’s trick-or-treating gear. A glow-in-the-dark candy bucket (here’s a great one with a removable LED) is a great example; they allow you to easily identify your child from a distance, and kids will love the spooky glow. What’s the downside, other than all that extra room for sugar?
Make sure to test the product in question before the big day. Some “reflective” items don’t really reflect that much light, so a quick test run will allow you to accurately gauge the product’s effectiveness (while giving your kid an excuse to put on their costume).

#Halloween Safety Tip – Ensure your children are visible when crossing the street. Use reflective tap, glow sticks or flashlight.

— Sgt. Todd Ringle (@ISPEvansville) October 30, 2016

To perform a simple test, have your kid stand in a dark room and shine a decent flashlight past them. You’ll be surprised at how high-quality reflective materials can catch your eye—and you’ll have some additional peace of mind when Halloween rolls around.

3. Keep your trick-or-treater’s eyes clear.

We realize that this may take some of the fun out of Halloween, but masks impede your child’s vision, making an accidental trip much more likely. While older kids can safely wear masks, younger kids should avoid them.
The good news is that you really don’t need masks. Face paint is more fun, and it’s often less expensive. This kit off Amazon uses lab-tested, paraben-free ingredients, and it’s gentle on sensitive skin.

Even so, you should always test costume makeup in a small area before applying it to sensitive skin. If you notice any signs of irritation, move to your backup plan. Remember, some products can become more irritating over time, so make sure to remove all makeup and body paint before your child goes to sleep.
If that sounds like a ton of work, you can always choose a costume that leaves your kid’s face exposed; we’ve got rundowns of some excellent options for kids 6 to 12 here, along with a list of toddler costumes here.

If you do decide to use a mask, make sure that your child can see, particularly when it comes to their peripheral vision. Make sure that the mask fits your child’s face, and remind them that it’s okay to flip the mask up while walking (not running) from house to house.
Don’t be afraid to cut the eye holes a bit wider if necessary. While it might feel like you’re ruining the costume, you might actually be saving Halloween.

4. Watch out for costumes with pointy accessories, even if they seem fairly blunt.

“There are sharp objects in particular in pirate costumes or swords for Star Wars costumes,” Marie Crandall, MD, told News 4 regarding dangerous costume components. “Another big risk is eye injuries, and you don’t want to wear an eye patch after Halloween.”
For that matter, you don’t really want to wear an eye patch during Halloween, since it can seriously inhibit depth perception, but we get her point: Sharp accessories are a serious no-no, even if they make a costume look more authentic.

For what it’s worth, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend that costume accessories “should be short, soft, and flexible.” Foam products certainly fit into that description; plastics, not so much.
Foam swords like these are a great and inexpensive option. You could also allow your kid to bring out the accessories for the pre-trick-or-treating photos, but leave them at home when they actually hit the streets.

5. Get high-quality flashlights capable of lighting the ground immediately in front of your child.

Unfortunately, glow sticks don’t provide enough light to walk safely from house to house, so while all of your neighbors’ kids might use them, you’ll want something more effective.
Every trick-or-treater should have a working flashlight to avoid accidental trips and falls. You certainly don’t want to spend Halloween night nursing skinned knees and comforting crying toddlers—not when you could spend that time sneaking bites of their candy stash.

Avoid the cheap Halloween-themed flashlights you find at big-box stores unless the packaging shows an actual light rating. Anything less than 35–60 lumens probably won’t light the way too effectively once you’re actually outdoors (although your mileage will vary, depending on the amount of natural light and other factors). Look for a flashlight with multiple light settings and a fairly wide lumen range, and you’ll be in good shape. We recommend the Outlight A100, a high-quality flashlight with a water-resistant design and a budget-friendly price tag.
With that said, any camping flashlight should do the job nicely. Just be sure to check your batteries before you leave the house—and if you’re trick-or-treating with multiple kids, make sure that they’ve each got their own light source.

6. Choose safe, protective shoes.

Costume shoes usually don’t work for safe trick-or-treating, especially past dusk. They’re often too thin to properly protect your kids’ feet, and because sizing ranges greatly from one manufacturer to the next, they can cause blisters—not what you’d want at the end of a long night with a tired toddler.
Really, any high-quality shoes will work, provided that they aren’t heels. Shinmax offers an affordable set of LED shoes with rechargeable lights, which will bring some much-needed illumination to Halloween night. You can get them on Amazon here, but be aware that the sizing runs a little large.

If you’ve already got some decent shoes—and believe us, we understand the importance of keeping a kid’s footwear budget under control—consider upgrading with some LED safety lights (here’s a cheap pair for under $20). They’re not totally necessary if you’ve already picked up reflective tape and a decent flashlight, but they’ll make the holiday a bit safer, and kids love them.
What Halloween-loving kid wouldn’t want glowing shoes? Heck, we’re adults, and we kind of want a pair for ourselves.

7. Don’t forget to keep your home’s walkways lit.

Kids will be walking up your pathway all night (well, if you’re lucky, anyway), so stop them from stumbling by planting a few solar lights.
While there’s no shortage of Halloween-themed pathway lights, most are cheaply made and nearly useless at night. We prefer the look of Voona solar lights, which use AA Ni-MH batteries to store a powerful charge.

They’re slightly expensive, but they are well worth the investment as they’re one of the few items on this list that doesn’t immediately lose its value on the first day of November.
Alternately, you could pick up a smart light kit, which opens up plenty of fun possibilities on Halloween; keep them bright while your trick-or-treating victims—er, guests—walk to your house, then turn them bright red before you swing open the door.
https://twitter.com/JoanESheehan/status/1046914758014849024
While you’re at it, consider putting up a few temporary signs warning drivers to take it slow. We’re big fans of this orange pop-up safety cone, which is portable, lightweight, and ideal for this type of application. Granted, some teenagers might snatch it, but the risk is worth it considering you’ll improve your neighborhood’s safety during trick-or-treating.

8. By all means, check candy, but realize that it’s probably not a major issue.

Check your kids’ candy, looking for any pieces that appear re-wrapped. Tell your kids to refuse homemade treats unless they’re from trusted neighbors or family members, and set a few ground rules regarding the amount of candy they’re allowed to eat at once.
Those are some pretty common-sense steps, but we should note that Halloween poisonings don’t really happen except in extremely isolated cases. Snopes.com, which investigates urban legends, says there are no documented cases in which intentionally poisoned candy was handed out randomly to trick-or-treaters—not one, not ever.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that Halloween candy is healthy. If you’re trying to rid your household of sugar (or if you’re simply looking to limit the amount of sweets your neighborhood hands out), consider giving kids toys, temporary tattoos, and stickers instead. Novelty assortment packs are pretty cheap, and they can give you some peace of mind—at least until the older kids start TP-ing your house.
One more note regarding candy safety: Some objects (we’re looking at you, spider rings) can be serious choking hazards for younger children. While you’re skimming through their treat bags (and taking your share of the dreaded Parental Candy Tax), be sure to separate those items from the rest of the stash.

9. If your kids are heading out alone, you’ll need to take some extra precautions.

Should you let your 10-year-old head out onto the streets alone? That’s a difficult question, and the answer varies from parent to parent. Some experts believe that solo trick-or-treating is an important part of childhood.
“When you say it’s all too dangerous because your children don’t know how to cross the street, and all your neighbors are awful … then you are giving up on your neighborhood and your child,” notes Lenore Skenazy, the author of the controversial book Free-Range Kids.
If you’re considering the question, you probably know what’s right for your family. Ideally, your kid won’t be truly “alone,” but heading out with friends, so a logical first step is to make sure that all of their parents are aware of the situation.

Next, talk over acceptable trick-or-treat routes and set ground rules for talking with strangers. Make sure that your child knows what to do if they get lost, and make sure they’ve got a way to contact you if necessary. If they’re old enough to head out alone, they’re old enough to hold onto a phone—at least for one night, anyway.
Tell them to only visit well-lit houses, and to never enter anyone’s house for candy (unless it’s a well-known, trusted friend—we’d even recommend giving them a specific list of houses that meet those criteria). Many homes set out candles and other luminaries during Halloween; tell kids to avoid standing near these, especially if they’re wearing flammable materials.

10. Finally, make sure to keep your other Halloween activities as safe as possible.

If you’re carving jack-o-lanterns, allow your kids to help during the planning stages, but don’t let younger kids anywhere near your carving tools. That’s just asking for trouble.
“The most common accidents associated with pumpkin carving are stab wounds to the fingers and palm,” Stuart J. Elkowitz, MD, assistant clinical professor at NYU Langone Medical Center in the division of hand surgery, tells Consumer Reports.
Sure, that’s obvious, but doesn’t it sound much more official when an actual doctor says it?

Older kids can help out, but to stay safe, consider investing in some cut-resistant gloves. Wislife offers an affordable (and highly reviewed) pair that meets EN388 cutting resistance standards; get them here.
Note that these gloves don’t protect in all circumstances, so you’ll still want to guide your kids through their first pumpkin carvings. This is a good opportunity to teach the basics of knife safety, too, by the way: Always cut away from yourself, don’t apply unnecessary pressure, and keep your knives clean and sharp.
While we’re on the subject, specialized pumpkin carving kits can make the process much safer (and improve the quality of the finished product). This kit, for example, includes two saws, a poker, and a scoop, and the saws’ serrated edges will provide much more precise cuts than a standard kitchen knife.

You can even find professional-level pumpkin carving kits, which come with a variety of high-quality saws. Sure, it might be overkill, but high-quality kits will last for years, while the cheaper options are only good for one or two gourds.
Ultimately, Halloween doesn’t have to be a frightening time for parents (well, not frightening in a bad way, anyways). Use common sense, communicate with your kids, and make sure you’re prepared. When All Hallow’s Eve rolls around, you’ll be able to relax with a nice glass of apple cider while the kids enjoy the holiday.

Tags Commerce, social

Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Gaming The System: Do You Know What Your Kids Are Playing?

Post author By Rachel Murphy
Post date October 8, 2018

According to a recent study by childcare.co.uk, more than half of parents allow their children to play video games intended for adults 18 years of age or older, while nearly 90 percent of those surveyed reported that they don’t follow the suggested age limits posted on video game packaging.
These results should not necessarily come as a surprise considering the sheer volume of games sold in recent years; 2013’s Grand Theft Auto V, for example, sold some 95 million copies and has earned about $6 billion, making it one of the top-selling games of all time and one of the highest-grossing entertainment products.

However, the aforementioned study and others like it still raise important points, not only about exposure to adult video games, but also about the safeguards taken to protect vulnerable children online in general.
In an increasingly digital age where YouTube, Netflix, and their ilk are more accessible—and kids are more attached to their devices—than ever, it’s important to know how (and to whom) adult content is marketed, as well as the long-term effect it might have on the millions of young kids who watch, listen to, and play it.

How much do video game guidelines matter?

Lisa Sarafidis’ two sons, ages 7 and 11, play popular video games like Minecraft and Fortnite, sports video games such as Madden, and one of the top-selling video game franchises: Call of Duty.

“When my older son was younger, I did monitor their content and have a lot of rules. But then he started playing with older neighbor children, and it was easier to keep him occupied that way,” said Sarafidis, who lives in Bethesda, Maryland. “With my 7-year-old, I let them play games rated T for Teen, but I say no games that are rated M for Mature.”
[pullquote align=”center”]“Age guidelines are a good starting place. There’s no reason not to follow the suggestions, but there’s no substitute for a parent’s own judgment.”
—Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade, on children’s media consumption[/pullquote]
A study from Iowa State University found that video game ratings can work if parents use them. According to the study, nearly every video game sold or downloaded came with an age-appropriate guideline rating. The study found that the guidelines are effective when parents use the recommendations to choose games that are best-suited for the age of their child.

Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade and a research director in the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Comparative Media Studies/Writing Program, says that video game ratings are a good barometer for parents to follow if they are unsure about the appropriateness of the game at hand. Osterweil is an advocate for letting children explore their imaginative playtime—including time spent playing video games.
“Age guidelines are a good starting place. There’s no reason not to follow the suggestions,” he says. “But there’s no substitute for a parent’s own judgment.” He advises parents to start with those ratings, but stay involved to find out whether or not they agree with them.

Continuing the conversation and keeping the lines of communication open when it comes to content and kids is key, according to Osterweil.

Should you be worried about violent video games?

Staying engaged in the content kids consume is necessary, but Osterweil recommends doing so at a distance. The types of video games kids are playing isn’t as big of a deal as you might think, either.

“Generally speaking, parents should be involved with their kids’ lives. Although, I don’t believe in parents micromanaging their kids’ play lives,” he says. “Play—including video games—is a way in which kids explore the world and they need to be free to follow their own impulses and imaginations so that they can fail and come up with their own general outlook on the world.”
According to a study conducted by researchers at the University of York in the United Kingdom, there is no link between violent video games and a child’s behavior. Osterweil is quick to point out that play has always been somewhat violent even in the absence of video games—think childhood fantasies of slaying dragons or killing monsters.

“In adult literature, we regard tragedy as one of the highest forms of literature, and a lot of tragedy is quite violent,” he says. “Violence in literature has always been a way of struggling with human conflict and video games are, in that sense, no different from the films and literature that have come before them.”

Stay engaged—with all types of content consumed by kids.

In Ramsey Hootman’s household, video games reign supreme. Hootman’s husband is a senior software engineer in the video game industry, and her family even subscribes to Gamefly. Gamefly is a subscription-based video game rental service that allows users to try out different video games without paying full price. It’s similar to Netflix’s DVD subscription service.

Her children, ages 5 and 8, like to wake up early and play video games such as Minecraft, Yokai Watch, Mario Maker, Yoshi’s Woolly World, and Splatoon.
“If they’re quiet, they’re allowed to play for about an hour in the morning when they get up while my husband and I shower and get breakfast ready during the week,” she says. “Weekends are ‘free’ screen time, but the kids are expected to prioritize family time and activities.”

According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, most children in the U.S. spend an average of five to seven hours a day watching TV, using tablets, playing videos games, and other types of screen time. Researchers note that too much screen time can make it hard for your child to sleep at night and increase chances of obesity, as well as put them at risk for attention problems, anxiety, and depression.
Experts recommend limiting screen time to one to two hours a day for children over the age of 2—and no screen time for children under the age of 2.

“They may get more screen time during the week, but it’s at my discretion and they are often required to earn it somehow,” says Hootman.
In Hootman’s opinion, video games can be used as a motivation tool to teach her children anything—from potty-training to reading.
“I literally potty-trained my older son when he was 2 because I let him play Angry Birds whenever he was sitting on the toilet,” says Hootman, who also grants screen time in exchange for reading lessons. The trade-off was worth it for her children. She says they both started kindergarten already knowing how to read. Although Hootman uses video games as a negotiating tool, she does monitor the types of content her kids are viewing on a regular basis—at least when they’re at home.
[pullquote align=”center”]“I’m trying to parent children who will one day become adults capable of making good choices, and the only way I can do that is allow them safe opportunities to make their own choices, fail, and learn from those failures.”
—Ramsey Hootman, mother of two[/pullquote]
When it comes to TV versus video games, Sarafidis also feels there are positive effects from video games. She would much rather her sons play video games than veg out in front of the tube. She doesn’t feel that video games lead to violence in at all—except for maybe the occasional grumblings over who gets the video controller, she jokes.
“Video games are more engaging than just staring at a television,” says Sarafidis, who encourages setting time limits if video games become a problem for a child. “I try and make sure that my kids are also active outside, but I think video games can be a good way for them to relax and hang out with friends.”

Should you monitor content on playdates?

Sarafidis and Hootman do not monitor content when their kids are over at a friend’s house.
“I view my kids’ time away from me as their opportunity to experiment and exercise the values I have taught them or choose not to,” says Hootman. “I’m trying to parent children who will one day become adults capable of making good choices, and the only way I can do that is allow them safe opportunities to make their own choices, fail, and learn from those failures.”

Hootman puts her full trust in her children when they are at a friend’s house when it comes to content.
“It’s up to them whether they want to join in or not,” she says. “They are very aware that other people have other rules and standards, and they know they can always come to me to discuss anything they don’t understand.”

That’s not to say that Hootman isn’t an advocate for monitoring content. She and her husband have established several rules in their home when it comes to playing video games.
“We do not allow them to play anything that allows them to connect with strangers on the internet,” says Hootman, referring to in-game text chats and audio communication.
[pullquote align=”center”]“The challenge for all parents is to always acknowledge that by the time their kids are 14 or 15, they are on the path to adulthood and we can’t exercise the same control we did when they were 5 or 6.”
—Scot Osterweil, creative director of the Education Arcade[/pullquote]
Recently, Hootman began allowing her 8-year-old son to play “limited contact” in multiplayer mode. For the most part, her children make it easy on her.
“We don’t have to monitor content much since our kids are really only interested in kid-oriented stuff anyway,” she says. “But at this point, we don’t let them play or watch anything with realistic people killing or maiming other people.”

Osterweil feels it’s important to allow children the freedom to make their own decisions outside of the home based on the guidance they have received from their parents, saying it’s a crucial step to preparing a child for adulthood.
“The challenge for all parents is to always acknowledge that by the time their kids are 14 or 15, they are on the path to adulthood and we can’t exercise the same control we did when they were 5 or 6,” says Osterweil, who has grown children of his own. “The only way they are going to become healthy, functioning adults is by learning from the choices they make. Authority tends to be better exercised through conversation and reason than fiat and censorship.”

Tags social

Mindful Parenting Motherhood

Books, Advice, Or Just Wing It? Responsibly Parenting In A Culture Obsessed With Perfection

Post author By Mary Sauer
Post date October 8, 2018

I read surprisingly few parenting books during my first pregnancy. There was something in me that felt like I was probably going to be okay. I believed that since my mom had done a pretty job raising four kids, I had a pretty good idea of what I was supposed to do.

Randomly, near the end of my pregnancy, a friend of mine suggested that I give a book on baby sleep a try. She swore it changed everything for her, and her suggesting the book brought up doubts that I might not actually know what I was doing. I didn’t really have much of a plan for getting my kids to sleep each night, so maybe I should give it a shot.
I read a chapter or two before giving birth and then devoured the rest over the course of a day while nursing my newborn around the clock. This books made some pretty attractive promises centered around me getting the sleep I was desperate for a few days into motherhood.

The book, Babywise, is a pretty controversial book in the parenting world. It suggests rigorous sleep training techniques that you typically love or hate. I’m not here to stir up a fight on sleep training, so I’ll leave it at this: I knew in my gut that this book wasn’t a fit for my family. Nonetheless, I powered through the methods for two nights before my husband finally suggested we call it quits.
This was my first of many experiences feeling like the parenting advice I was reading or hearing was asking me to question [linkbuilder id=”6870″ text=”parenting practices”] that came naturally to me. It’s not that I’m some amazing parenting expert, I’m just a regular mom. The longer I am a parent and exposed to “parenting culture,” the more it feels like parents are obsessed with being perfect and that the advice given follows suit.

Like Oliver Burkeman, writer for The Guardian, I take issue with the extremes presented by so many parenting books. On top of that, I simply didn’t get how any one method could work for all children or all parents. Parenting three kids has taught me this couldn’t possibly be true.

Who knows how to parent?

Parenting books can provide confidence for nervous or anxious parents. I know, because I have turned to them during seasons of struggle. When we turn to parenting books, we’re typically looking for advice on how to parent well. Maybe a book was forced on us by a friend or perhaps we sought out a book because we had a specific fear or concern about being a mom or dad.

Whatever our reasons, we want answers from someone who knows their stuff, right? Unfortunately, we might be too trusting of who claims to be a parenting expert, turning to books based on their position on the bestseller list instead of their authors’ credentials.
Authors of parenting books should be experts in a child development, which means they should probably be trained a child psychologist, child psychiatrist, or have some kind of postgraduate education specifically focused on child development, according to Owen Muir, MD, child psychiatrist and medical director at Brooklyn Minds, a concierge mental health treatment center in Brooklyn.

“If you can find a single parenting book written by a child psychiatrist, you’re doing pretty well,” Muir says. Specifically, he notes that even pediatricians, who are experts in the medical side of childcare like screening for conditions or administering vaccines, aren’t great sources of “expert” parenting advice simply because they don’t have postgraduate education in child development.
“In child psychiatry training, you actually spend time in nurseries,” he says in providing a comparison. “A lot of the parenting advice comes from people who … don’t really have expertise how young people develop their ability to talk about thoughts and feelings or their ability to learn.”

Unfortunately, many psychologists or psychiatrists with specialized training in child development don’t step in and write a book until something is wrong, meaning they focus in on helping parents with exceptional circumstances such as caring for a child with special needs, mental health problems, or trauma in their past, according to Muir. This leaves parents with raising typically developing children in a typical environment with a smaller library of well-written books at their disposal.

The Problem with Extremes

Outside of carefully checking the credentials of the authors of any parenting advice books you read, it’s also important to take the content into consideration. The author being an expert doesn’t automatically qualify a book as a good fit for your family. Parenting books, and self-help books in general, tend to use extremes to get their point across and get their books sold.

“When you’re trying to win at having the book that’s bought by the most people, you’re often trying to catch the most eyes, and sometimes that results in advice that’s flashy but there’s not a lot of substance there,” says Shane Gregory Owens, PhD, a psychologist who works with parents and young adults.
The problem with extremes in general is that they’re actually not a great way to parent or to raise well-adjusted kids. When parents are extreme, kids learn to be extreme, too, according to Muir. Take attachment parenting, which Burkemen mentions in his article and Muir brings up as an example of extreme parenting practices.

According to the organization’s website, attachment parenting is based on the idea that parents and children can build healthy bonds through very specific parenting practices. At face value, that sounds pretty mild. When you dig deeper into the values, there are specific principles promoting co-sleeping, breastfeeding with very little flexibility or structure, and discouraging allowing the baby to cry at any point.
In Muir’s mind, parenting practices that avoid parent-child separation to such an extreme degree actually contradict what secure attachment is about—a child’s ability to feel secure in a world that isn’t always predictable and where their wants and needs aren’t constantly the main focus.

“You want children who are flexible, who can handle challenges, who can handle new experiences, and who can meet new people in their life and engage with them healthfully and not full of terror,” he says.

Lead with what you know; ask questions about the rest.

So, should parents avoid parenting advice books altogether? Hardly. Instead, parents should be careful about why they seek out parenting books, how they read them and apply the advice, and what they use that advice to accomplish.

According to Owens, for most parents, parenting well can begin from a place of starting with what you know and filling in the rest.
“You were brought up by your parents, and if you were brought up successfully, you already have a set of tools that you can bring to things,” he says. Then, as you run into things you don’t feel certain about or that you have questions about, move on to asking for advice from people within your circle. Turn to family or friends before turning to books.

At this point, if you still have unanswered questions, parenting books are great for filling in the gaps. As you start looking for books and experts, keep a few things in mind.
Firstly, remember there is no one answer for parenting well.
“Audition many books, stay away from the notion that any book has the right answers in it,” says Owens. “There few absolutes when it comes to parenting. There are few things that absolutely are right and few things that are absolutely wrong.”

Follow the advice in these books with the understanding that following any set of advice at all times isn’t realistic. Overly prescriptive parenting books, books full of lists of shoulds and shouldn’ts, set unrealistic expectations for parents, according to Owens.
Additionally, trust your knowledge of your child and your ability to respond to their needs. Parenting books can be helpful, but they can also overcomplicate what we already know about kids—they respond well to positive attention and positive feedback. For most parents, according to Muir, this means doing the things that already come naturally to us like responding with empathy to their emotions.

“If it sounds outlandish or counterintuitive, it probably is,” says Muir. “None of this is particularly rocket science: Pay attention to your kids. If they’re sad, recognize that.”
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, remember that children do not need perfect parents. You’re probably already a good enough parent. Researchers point this out in an article for Disease in Childhood, writing that the vast majority of parents are doing a satisfactory job while prescribing more intensive intervention for the minority of parents who are truly struggling.

In fact, most kids respond pretty darn well to parents who are just doing okay. Parents who are not on point 100 percent of the time, who do not always understand exactly what their child needs, actually teach their children really important lessons for emotional development. They learn flexibility and they learn to consider the possibility of misunderstandings, according to Muir.
Catherine Pearlman, PhD, licensed social worker and author of Ignore It!: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavior Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction is a big proponent of good enough parenting and shares in an essay for for Brightly that imperfect parenting also builds independence in children, teaching them to be resourceful as they deal with disappointments in life.

For me, and for parents everywhere, this is permission to feel confident in our abilities and confident in our children, believing that we have the skills to meet their needs and they have the ability to adapt, even when we miss the mark.

Tags social

Happy x Mindful Wellbeing

The Often-Overlooked Symptoms Of ADHD (And How To Deal With Them)

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date October 5, 2018

Many of us experience bouts of restlessness. Maybe we find ourselves daydreaming during a particularly long work meeting or struggling to complete mundane activities like washing dishes or doing laundry.
All these scenarios could be signs of boredom, but what if it’s more than that? What if, like Minnesota freelance writer Pauline Campos, distraction is your normal?

woman looking distracted with laptop — iStock.com/pixelfit

From feeling jumpy and irritated to not being able to remain interested enough in a task to stay focused, Campos, 40, says managing the symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a day-to-day struggle. “Some days are productive, and others, I call it a win because I got the bare minimum done.”
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, “ADHD is one of the most common childhood disorders and can continue through adolescence and into adulthood.” While most people are familiar with the hyperactive aspect of ADHD, many of the more subtle symptoms fly under the radar.
Understanding how to identify these overlooked signs of ADHD can help you find an effective treatment. Here’s what you should know.

What exactly is ADHD?

Broadly defined, ADHD is a developmental condition comprised of three main symptoms: inattention, impulsiveness, and hyperactivity (though this last one may or may not accompany the others). CHAAD, the National Resource Center on ADHD, estimates that about 10 million adults have ADHD.
The obvious signs of ADHD are symptoms due to deficits in executive functioning, says Ofra Obejas, a licensed clinical social worker and California child and family psychotherapist. “This is the area responsible for planning, prioritizing, organizing, and focus.”

Woman writing in planner calendar — iStock.com/damircudic

While the exact causes aren’t fully understood, researchers believe a combination of factors, including genetics, may play a role. Some studies have suggested that it may be due to an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain.
ADHD’s symptoms often present in varying levels of severity and, if left untreated in childhood or adulthood, can lead to behavioral, emotional, social, and academic problems. Yet the diagnosis can be tricky, as ADHD symptoms often overlap with those of other physical and psychiatric disorders such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse.

Anxious woman looking out window — iStock.com/martin-dm

“A person with low self-esteem or anxiety may be suffering from ADHD first and foremost, but instead, the other concern, such as anxiety, is seen as the primary problem, when it’s really just a symptom,” wrote John M. Grohol, PsyD, a Boston clinical psychologist and founder of Psych Central.

How can we identify ADHD in adults?

For Kathryn Goetzke, entrepreneur and chief mood officer at The Mood Factory, hyperactivity doesn’t necessarily equal physical exertion. “It can also mean your brain is running around doing things, which definitely was the case for me,” she says.
Goetzke says it took her years to figure out she had ADHD, as she didn’t have classic hyperactivity. “What I did have was impulsivity,” she says.

woman shopping impulsively — iStock.com/gradyreese

In adults, this symptom can often look like blurting out an answer in a work meeting, wrote Grohol, but it can also manifest as indulgent spending patterns, conversation interruptions, and engagement in risky behaviors.
Experts point to several lesser-known symptoms that also can indicate ADHD in adults:

Hyperfocus

Hyperfocus (or flow) is a less frequently discussed symptom, but one that continues to garner attention from psychologists.
“Usually when people think of someone with ADHD, they think of someone super distracted, hyperactive, or spacing out,” says Crystal Lee, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in Los Angeles. But, she says, it’s also true that people with ADHD get hyper-focused on tasks or activities.

woman focused on art project — iStock.com/petrunjela

When your executive functions don’t work as well, Lee explains, it becomes increasingly difficult to leave one task behind and switch to another—resulting in this razor focus.
Researcher Brandon Ashinoff, who studies the cognitive and neurological deficits associated with ADHD, defined it as a state of intense concentration where a person loses track of time. “This is weird in the context of ADHD because it’s actually too much attention,” he explained in an interview with the University of Birmingham’s Ideas Lab Predictor Podcast. “You’re focused so intently on something, no other information gets into your brain essentially.”

Difficulty Controlling Emotions

Controlling your emotions requires strong regulatory functioning. Unfortunately, those with ADHD have weaker regulatory functions, which makes it harder for them to do so. This kind of emotional dysregulation, Lee says, can present as an increased aggravation to everyday events.

“You might notice that you get frustrated or irritable more quickly or that it’s harder to calm down once you’re upset.”

Bursts of Motivation Based on Interest

People sometimes mistake ADHD as a lack of motivation because people with the condition are great at finishing projects they really enjoy. “This is actually because your brain chemistry is different when you’re engaged in tasks that are rewarding,” says Lee. And it’s this brain chemistry that helps you stay focused and sustains your attention.

Tics and Fidgeting

Many adults outgrow the hyperactivity experienced as children, says Terry Matlen, a licensed clinical social worker from Detroit. But this symptom can still appear in more subtle ways such as leg swinging, pen clicking, skin picking, foot tapping, or lip chewing.

In fact, some research has suggested these seemingly nervous tics increase neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, which help with focus and attention (though more research is needed on the subject).

Hypersensitivity

People with ADHD have quite severe negative reactions to criticism or perceived criticism or rejection (known now as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). This makes it so a person is more readily hostile or becomes socially withdrawn, resulting in difficulty establishing and maintaining relationships.

Persistent Symptoms

While many of us will experience varying degrees of the aforementioned signs throughout our lives, Grohol said we should look at the whole spectrum and ask ourselves: Do my symptoms significantly impact my ability to function in two or more different areas in my life, such as at school and home, or at work and home?
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“A person with ADHD will struggle with this inattention virtually all the time, in most situations,” Grohol said, “whereas a person who doesn’t have ADHD will be able to focus and pay attention most of the time.”

How can we identify ADHD in children?

One of the defining features of childhood ADHD is hyperactivity. Hyperactivity in children looks as though the child is in constant motion: running, climbing on things, and constantly squirming or fidgeting. This constant motion, Grohol affirmed, is above and beyond normal childhood behavior and, despite the child’s best efforts, does not seem to be within their self-control.
As with adults, childhood ADHD could also present as inattention. Inattention comes through most clearly in schoolwork, chores, or projects, and as losing or misplacing things, like an important assignment for school.

boy throwing airplane in class — iStock.com/BraunS

Children with ADHD might also display impulsive tendencies. In school, for example, they may blurt out an answer before being called on, skip in lines, and fail to wait their turn, among other things.
While boys are generally more likely to present with hyperactivity and impulsivity, the difficulty can be diagnosing ADHD altogether, Grohol tells HealthyWay: “The symptoms may appear to be just dismissed as normal ‘boy behavior.’”
He emphasizes that girls are more likely to display inattentive symptoms of ADHD compared to boys. For girls, this may look like anxiety, difficulty focusing on tasks or schoolwork, appearing not to listen when spoken to, daydreaming, low self-esteem, and appearing withdrawn. “Some girls with ADHD may also be verbally aggressive toward other children,” Grohol adds, “such as name calling, teasing, or even bullying.”

girls teasing another girl — iStock.com/FatCamera

Moreover, according to the American Psychological Association, girls are also at greater risk of developing low self-esteem, underachievement, and problems like depression and anxiety should their symptoms remain untreated.
Campos, who found out about her ADHD in her early thirties, expresses a desire to go back in time and receive her diagnosis in childhood.
“It’s hard to find out there’s a valid medical reason as an adult for all the internal turmoil you suffered as a kid—feeling different and out of place and not knowing why,” she shares.

What treatment plans are available for children?

While treatment plans for kids typically include medication and psychological intervention, children can also benefit from behavioral treatments such as more structure, specific routines, and clearly stated expectations. According to WebMD, other treatments include social skills training, support groups, and parenting skills training.

Obejas offers a two-pronged approach when working with parents. First, she encourages parents to seek education to understand what it’s like to have ADHD. This helps cultivate more empathy when relating to kids who struggle with completing a task.
“Then, I teach techniques such as writing task lists and going over them together,” she explains. She also teaches parents and children how to arrange items, helps with prioritizing, and suggests doing the fun tasks before the boring ones.

What treatment plans are available for adults?

After diagnosis, treatment plans for adults include a combination of medicine, therapy, family support, and learning to structure their environment. Receiving cognitive-behavioral therapy by ADHD-trained therapists is also recommended as a way to learn new techniques for managing symptoms.
[pullquote align=”center”]“Always for me, taking a step back, counting to five, and making sure my emotions are in a positive state through deep breathing are keys to staying in positive, healthy, productive relationships.”
—Kathryn Goetzke, entrepreneur, diagnosed with ADHD[/pullquote]
While medication doesn’t cure ADHD, it can help improve attention and reduce impulsivity. The most common ones are psychostimulants such as methylphenidate and amphetamines. Non-stimulant medications are generally given to people who can’t tolerate regular stimulants or don’t respond to them.
However, medication alone is only part of the equation—the National Resource Center on ADHD offers the following tips and strategies (link opens a PDF) for staying organized and managing your time:

Break up large projects into smaller, doable tasks.

Oftentimes, the best approach to working on complex projects is tackling them in smaller steps. For example, if you want to organize clutter in the home, do it by room rather than all at once. Rank each room from easiest to most difficult. Then, schedule a time to work, and divide the rooms into manageable sections. When the easiest room is complete, you can gradually move on to the most difficult. This approach can work for any project.

Act in the moment.

Sometimes, the best course of action is not letting things become overwhelming to begin with. This means staying in the present and acting when necessary. A simple enough example: If you pass an open drawer, close it. When you see a clothing item strewn on the floor, pause and hang it up. The same is true for loose papers or a full wastebasket that needs emptying. Creating these small habits will make things more manageable throughout your day.

Create reminders.

Set a timer for 15 minutes and focus on just one thing during that time. Once the timer goes off, you can decide whether to keep going for another slot of 15 minutes or move on to something else. It’s important to be aware of how you are feeling so as not to become overwhelmed—if you find yourself unable to concentrate, try again later that day or the next until the project is finished. The point here is to feel a sense of accomplishment in that set amount of time.
The key for living successfully, Goetzke explains, has been setting up her life in a way that feels more manageable. By using strategic resources like calendars and reminders, she doesn’t get as overwhelmed.

variety of old clocks — iStock.com/mustafagull

“Always for me, taking a step back, counting to five, and making sure my emotions are in a positive state through deep breathing are keys to staying in positive, healthy, productive relationships,” she notes. She also uses scents to help ground her in the present moment “and stop my brain from hijacking my actions.”

Create a supportive environment.

Removing judgment and criticism is one of the most important aspects of creating a supportive environment, Obejas affirms. “It’s not that the person with ADHD has a bad attitude or doesn’t care,” she says. “Yelling at someone for failing to do something they are not able to do only creates shame and avoidance.”

In fact, some studies have shown that this can cause internalized negativity and self-blame that can end up hampering functioning.
To help manage symptoms, Obejas notes, loved ones need to step in and help create an environment that supports the person with ADHD.

The Whole Picture

As with any chronic health condition, a diagnosis of ADHD does not a person make. In other words, it’s important to look at the whole picture.
[pullquote align=”center”]“As hard as it can be sometimes, this is the only way I know how to be, so I’m trying to make the best of it.”
—Pauline Campos, freelance writer, ADHD sufferer[/pullquote]
“There are pluses and minuses to having severe ADHD,” says Campos. On her bad days, she admits often feeling useless, and her husband has to pick up the slack with tasks like cleaning.
“Other times, I feel like it’s all good and tell people ADHD is my superpower.” She says it’s given her the creative power and inspiration to write across multiple genres.

This isn’t uncommon, says Matlan, who has found that people with the condition possess a heightened sense of creativity and are capable of juggling many projects at once. Research supports this idea, as some studies suggest this divergent or “chaotic” thinking style facilitates “out of the box” thinking.
For Goetzke, who simultaneously runs a company and nonprofit, no problem or challenge seems too difficult to solve. She says her mind has a way of linking things together and coming up with ideas others may not necessarily perceive.
“Most people get exhausted hearing about the projects, yet with the right support, ideas, research, and connections, I find anything is possible, and my brain loves making it happen,” she says.
Similarly, Campos tries to focus on the positive: “As hard as it can be sometimes, this is the only way I know how to be, so I’m trying to make the best of it.”

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Healthy Relationships Wellbeing

My Colleague Is Having An Affair—Should I Expose It?

Post author By Cindy Lamothe
Post date October 5, 2018

“I was depleted by their dynamics and by being triangulated into their lies.”
Sheri remembers the toll keeping secrets took on her back in 2012. At the time, the NYC resident says she was collaborating on a therapeutic theater project with two colleagues who were having an affair.
Both had led her to believe that the wife was privy to the nature of their relationship, but it soon became apparent to Sheri that wasn’t the case. She recalls one gathering at the husband’s house; she noticed his wife sitting alone in the corner of a massive living room while everyone was in the backyard and kitchen.

“It was bizarre and sad,” Sheri tells HealthyWay. “While [the wife] understood [my colleagues] worked together for many years, her affect and isolation suggested she may have suspected more was happening but was misled to believe it was a platonic relationship.”

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

The science of infidelity is still murky territory and the statistics, well, bleak. Take for instance, this stat from private investigating agency Trustify, showing that 36 percent of men and women admit to having an affair with a co-worker (and this doesn’t account for those who don’t own up to the fact).
Since cheating includes a spectrum of behaviors, there’s no way to pinpoint an exact number of how many people are unfaithful, but what we do know for sure is that divorce rates in the U.S. are staggeringly high. According to the American Psychological Association, 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.

While cheating has a negative emotional impact on all involved, one lesser talked about effect is the one on bystanders: mainly, the witnesses to these clandestine relationships.
“It puts the third party in an untenable position,” says NYC family therapist, Kathryn Smerling, PhD, who specializes in creating healthy and meaningful relationships. “If she admits to seeing it, it could destroy her relationship with these people, and it makes her the secret keeper, and that’s a horrible position to have.”

We asked Sheri what she did after finding out.

Sheri says that the clandestine way in which her colleagues concealed the truth of their relationship around certain people reinforced to her their lack of transparency.
After weighing her options, she decided to speak with her colleagues about her concerns, but she says this did not go over well.
“I was characterized as irrational and difficult for insisting on honesty.”

After this eventful meeting, Sheri says she felt disoriented from the gaslighting and absence of any sort of ownership or remorse. But confiding in her colleagues didn’t lead to any kind of meaningful resolution. Instead, her refusal to be complicit in their dishonesty only spurred anger, she says, and this led to a major falling out.
Her colleagues’ toxic behavior afterward took more than an emotional toll, Sheri says. She began experiencing physical symptoms from the stress soon after. “My back went out, and I evidenced signs of metabolic stress for a while.”

Eventually, Sheri says it became clear she needed to end the friendship and the collaboration they had developed. “I was so disillusioned by the turn of events that I took leave from this project that I poured my heart and soul into.”
“I did consider exposing the affair,” she admits. “But I so desperately wanted to remove myself from the partnership that I feared the reprisal and further involvement.”

Damaging Secrets

“Knowing another’s secret, in general, is uncomfortable,” says Laura Dabney, MD, a marriage psychiatrist from Virginia. “If you have the added impact of this secret possibly negatively impacting the workplace, it’s a double whammy.”
The experience places an undue burden on the person who knows, she explains, and this often manifests in the way of anxiety and stress, including symptoms such as insomnia, irritability, avoidance behavior, chronic headaches, and worrying.

“It can be unsettling,” says Juli Fraga, PsyD, a relationship therapist based in San Francisco, because the person can feel like they’re holding a secret, and it can make interactions with colleagues more than uncomfortable. She notes that depending on the person’s personal background, they can also experience longer-term effects.
“If their parents divorced because of an affair,” she explains, “it could reopen childhood wounds and trauma.” Additionally, Fraga asserts that it might bring into question what trust means in relationships and cause the person to question how seemingly good people can do dishonest things. Depending on the person’s spiritual or religious beliefs, it can be that much more emotionally distressing.

If we were already conflicted and uncertain about our willingness to love and be loved, the witnessing of an affair can have a long-term effect on our decision to (or not to) enter intimate relationships, stresses Mark B. Borg, Jr., an NYC clinical psychologist and author of the forthcoming book Relationship Sanity: Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships.
“If it is a person or couple that we admire and respect, it can [also] impact how we feel not only about them and their coupleship, but how we feel about relationship itself.”

Pause and give yourself a moment to grieve.

Too often, the witness thinks only about what to do with the information, says Borg, and they completely overlook their own shock, hurt, and disappointment over being exposed to such uncomfortable, perhaps shocking, and shattering information.

After learning of her colleagues’ transgression, Sheri tells us she felt duplicitous and hypocritical colluding in the betrayal. But the loss felt two-fold—she was mourning the end of the friendship and her creative vision. “I was caught up in trying to protect my work from people who I erroneously believed were upholding and contributing to my personal mission to bring therapeutic theater to disenfranchised populations.”
“It will weigh on you,” Borg asserts, “and it is likely that you will need to grieve over losing the image that you had of this person before you found out.”

Define your boundaries ASAP.

Whether it’s narrowing all exchanges to cordial pleasantries or blocking the person’s number for good, it’s best to get distance from someone who’s having an affair, says Dabney. “They are consciously choosing to deal with a problem by doing something destructive and cruel, and it’s only a matter of time before the witness will get hurt as well.”

Conversely, if a friend starts to tell you about an affair, she insists it’s best to hold up a hand and let them know that’s information they should be talking about with their partner or therapist, and you would appreciate not being put in that awkward position.
Smerling also wants us to keep in mind that becoming overly involved in other people’s affairs is a clear signal that we’re blurring the lines between what we’re responsible for and what we are not.

Carefully weigh your options.

So…should you mind your own business? Expose it?
Below are options to considers, though “there isn’t a right or wrong answer,” Fraga asserts. “It depends on each person’s judgment.”

Say nothing.

In the case of a close friend who is being cheated on, Fraga says we should ask ourselves this one guiding question: If my friend knew my partner was having an affair and didn’t tell me, how might I feel? “I’d also say that it’s not [your] responsibility to do anything unless you feel compelled to do so.”

Along the same vein, Borg says exposing an affair to a partner will most certainly backfire in some way, and it’s more than likely that the affair-haver and the cheated-on other will both use you as a target of their hurt, their fear, and their rage—a “shoot the messenger” scenario. “It creates emotional displacement,” he explains. “If we assume that affairs happen for a reason, it’s possible that the reason will be convoluted, lost, or misdirected if you intervene.”
“The issue here might have less to do with how or if you expose the person’s infidelity,” Borg adds, and more about how it impacts your relationship with that person (as well as the person who is being cheated on).

And in the case of a virtual stranger (e.g., a college professor) experts agree that exposing the affair would be even more inappropriate unless someone was in imminent physical danger.

Talk to both parties about what you witnessed and let them know how you feel.

In general, it’s healthiest to never speak about anyone’s problems or issues with anyone else, says Dabney. “However, an affair in the workplace can be destructive, so this may be an exception.” If possible, opt for a better way of dealing with your experience rather than exposing it by offering to discuss what you’ve witnessed and felt with that person.

But this can be tricky, notes Smerling, as approaching the couple and letting them know you’re uncomfortable could jeopardize your job (depending on the hierarchy).

Talk to human resources or your boss for guidance.

Your best bet is staying far from the chaos, but going up the ladder could be necessary if the affair is creating a toxic work environment. While opting to tell HR can be risky business since they exist primarily to protect the company, expressing your concerns openly can provide a paper trail in the event of a colleague’s retaliation.

“If your colleagues are at a higher level, then it is best to stay out of it because you run the risk of being the ‘fall guy,’” says Dabney. However, if the colleagues are of a lower level or if the couple is mixed levels (one higher than the other), she recommends letting the person above them know. But Dabney offers one caveat when telling: It’s best to be brief and stick to the known facts and not draw the conclusion of “affair.”

Seek advice from a therapist or trusted friend.

The consensus among experts is to seek advice if what you know is affecting your day-to-day.
“It’s not something you can handle on your own,” says Smerling. “You need to get help from a professional who can guide you into how to compartmentalize the feelings you have by knowing about the affair.”

Likewise, Borg believes making sure that you get whatever support, care, and love that you need after experiencing the way that someone else’s crisis was acted out is a good first step.

Lessons Learned

In the aftermath of the falling out, Sheri says the betrayal impacted her ability to re-engage meaningfully with the theater project she had worked so hard to develop.
“The affair was a glaring reflection of the duplicity I refused to see,” she says. “It awakened me to how my desire to manifest my creative vision blinded me to exercising better judgment.”

It’s now been six years after everything went down, and Sheri tells us she’s in a better place. Satirizing the whole experience in a play has allowed her to channel her feelings and find catharsis and healing.
We asked how being witness to an affair has changed her.
“I became much more guarded and meticulous as to who I would continue to involve myself with,” she says. “It led to my doing a complete overhaul of my relationships.”

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